Afflicted Beauty

A Heart on Fire: Kindling from Jim Elliot

2012-01-09T00:51:00.002+08:00

This year, oh, Lord, set my heart on fire. Ignite my spirit with Your holiness and Your passion. May my life be kindling to start fires in the hearts and minds of all I encounter.

- My New Year Resolution Prayer, inspired by Jim Elliot

The Gentleman and the Player

2011-11-17T00:17:00.001+08:00

I know I shouldn't be thinking about you. It's been a long time since my mind has been filled by one woman alone. Usually the object of my desire is vague, imaginary, molded and shaped to fit my emotions as I see fit. It's unfamiliar, frightening really. I hate to think that I've lost control of where my mind goes, like an archer who has lost his focus on the bulls eye.

I know deep down inside you can't be The One. So many things can go wrong dating a woman like you, even if you claim to be a Christian. I'm so sure of that, yet we haven't even gone out even once. I have nothing but your number and the memory of how you charmed me that fateful night, when I least expected it.

The rational, religious side of me, usually so dominant and in control is suddenly drowned out by a torrent of emotions buried far too long. My only salvation lies in the fact that you aren't replying my messages anymore. God usually ensures that the doors to all paths He does not want me to go down are shut in my face to leave no trace of doubt; a necessary move to eradicate the headstrong, stubborn nature in me. My pride seals the door shut; I won't communicate with you anymore than you want to with me.

And so it ends there.

Yet one tiny part of me still secretly hopes you'd reply me, the part of me that reaches for my Blackberry every time the little orange light flickers. It's a nostalgic feeling of teenage anxiety coupled with childish impatience. The fodder is only added when I consider the possibility of being emotionally manipulated into waiting till the very last minute.

I further entertain the thought of the Gentleman's code of conduct steep within me, to avoid the Player's Game, the Bad Boy manoeuvres, the Mr. Darcy attitude which have proven themselves so loyal and true.

But then again, being a Gentleman has never brought me anywhere. Yet this time, I can only simply wait until my heart calms down and I move along with life again.

Alone.

Ego

2011-11-13T19:34:00.001+08:00

My ego is not big enough to perceive myself as God's gift to all womankind.

But it's large enough to think I'm good enough for that one special woman who loves God so very much to trust Him to produce a dream partner for her.

But with such a mentality, my singleness can only mean that I'm not good enough to be a dream partner, or my partner is not good enough yet.

My ego helps me maintain the legibility of the former belief, because only with such arrogance can I ever expect to improve myself with sheer determination and self-will. I'm never good enough, I need to aim for perfection, and as such no one can possibility be good enough for me.

You won't believe how an inferiority complex drives action so prideful that the final result is simply loneliness and misery.

Then again, perfection cannot comprise of these unacceptable elements. And therefore, I take a deep breath, submerge these emotions under my conscience, and tell God to take a break from being my crutch.

-

2011-10-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

Saw a picture of you today. You look so thin, so frail, so... helpless.

It took me whatever remaining willpower that I had left from the day to just pull my eyes away from the photo. How I long to hold you in my arms, to shield you from the world, to assure you softly that everything will be alright...

Then I realize, after so long, you're still haunting me. And I have only myself to blame. Swamping myself with work to drown out that inner voice within me ever gently coaxing me to let go, let go.

Let go. Oh me, please let go.

Hey There Lonely Girl

2011-07-03T18:29:00.000+08:00

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

Ever since he broke your heart you seem so lost
Each time you pass my way
How I long to take your hand
And say don't cry, I'll kiss your tears away

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
don't you know this lonely boy loves you

You think that only his two lips can kiss your lips
And make your heart stand still
But once you're in my arms you'll see
No one can kiss your lips the way I will

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely girl loves you
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

-

2011-04-23T02:12:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday... to me. +)

Where the Streets Have No Name

2011-04-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

I would like to dance
Where the streets have no names
Where the band never sleeps
And their voices complete
The aroma of morning dew oh so sweet

A world with no distractions
No noises, no contagions
No wars and whatnots with their joy-draining conceptions
Every corner a French bakery
A candy store, an old jukebox
And a sofa with a pot
of hot, lovely Chinese tea!

Everyone a potential lover
No lust for no race
Much less for one's gender
Just the remnants of mankind's once familiar desire
From a time when passion
Governed our senses
Was it only yesterday?
When we could tell apart, camaraderies
And our deepest, secret intimacies.

I would like to dance
Where the streets have no names

Better to Be Lonely Than To Ever Loved

2011-04-14T01:42:00.000+08:00

Just for one moment in the dark, I felt loved again. By another vulnerable creature, who gave everything she had. But as quickly as she came, she was gone.

I spent the rest of the night relieving an ancient pain, one that sears not only the body but whose destruction rips opens one's soul, leaving it bare for decomposition. It did not matter that I had an entire king-sized bed to myself; on the contrary, it made the emptiness deeper. Time crawled by, and finally sunlight pierced through the hotel's curtains, dividing the blackness and separating the night.

I swore that glass promise to myself once again, never to let myself fall in love. No, not even for a brief moment.

For they will all leave, taking with them fragments of one's heart as a woman grabs her diamonds whilst fleeing an approaching tsunami.

And the waves will not cleanse the pain, but instead leave behind a trail of devastation beyond one's God-given capacity to contain.

I have locked up my heart in a Swiss bank account and burnt the logs. What remains to be done is to hum a melancholic ballad tune and fling the keys into the silence from the peak of the ice-crowned, snow-bleeding Matterhorn.

Househusband

2011-03-14T21:57:00.000+08:00

I find it extremely strange that it is in such a prestigious institution which hires so many of Singapore's smartest people where I actually find so many male colleagues who want to be... househusbands.

Weird, this "gender equality" thing. Well, I have much to thank God for. He's answered so many of my prayers (even though most of them are technically wishes and not prayers). I just pray that my busy traveling schedule and long working hours will not take away the time spent with Him.

Onwards to greater things!

Midnight Quarrel, No Thanks to Love

2011-02-17T01:45:00.001+08:00

Was distributing flyers around the neighborhood when I overheard a man and a woman quarreling downstairs near the letter boxes where I was at.

Despite the limitations to my proficiency in Chinese dialects, I could tell it was a quarrel between husband and wife about money. Think the lady was involved in drugs and/or gambling, and was borrowing money to feed her addiction, only to have an affair with one of the men who has been lending her money and buying her dresses (from those red plastic bag, thrift stores too). Apparently, her husband has been working quite hard, and given his dressing and language, did not seem to be highly educated.

As I watched him pushed her around, shouting at the top of his voice past the midnight hour, I couldn't help but feel my heart sinking as I tried to speed up the pace on my own job. With her stoically remaining silent, it wasn't too long before he started pushing her around, until she fell to the floor quite hard. Not surprisingly, the police came within a few minutes, and the man was given a stern warning whereas the lady disappeared.

Although in no way do I advocate violence towards women, I can't help but feel sorry for the guy. Here he is, working his guts out and giving his wife money, and there she is spending it away and going for another guy.

Of course, I don't have all the details. I only write what I hear. But its little excerpts like this in my life that make me feel contemporary romantic love is so complicated, it might be an experience I should avoid. Just to save me all the heartache.

I used to think that I will never find a woman who could love me.

Now I don't think I will ever find a woman I could love that much.

Women Want Rich Husbands

2011-02-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

Razor TV: Despite the feminist's struggle for women to get out of the home and into the corporate world, some women would rather want a rich husband to fall back on.

Duh.

Timely Answers

2011-02-02T01:20:00.000+08:00

A day after the below blog post and...

I'm on to round 3!! +)

Praise the Lord!!!!!

The Next Step

2011-01-30T22:02:00.000+08:00

I haven't been blogging here for quite a while, I realize. Been busy with the new blog, neglected my personal one. Hah.

Right now will be exactly a week before Andrew goes to Australia for his studies. Was a great farewell BBQ party last night, organized by his buddies Haryanto and Simon. Another awesome lunch at Ding Tai Fung with a bunch of the younger youths in the afternoon who wanted to give him a goodbye treat.

I guess I'm a little envious of the fact that he will be going overseas to study. I've always wanted to do something like that myself, especially when my ego is constantly questioning my "apparent dependence" on my parents. Been longing to have my own room, own space, own time for a long, long time, but I'm burdened by a heavy sense of responsibility to ensure that my parents are not lonely and that the family has sufficient money to give Nick a similar opportunity to study overseas.

I haven't been going out much during the last two weeks (except to the gym), and thus spending very little. I'm still hoping for Chinese New Year to come soon, so at least I can top up my EZ-link card to go gym. Walking is a viable option, but it's still a 20-minute journey at brisk-walking pace. Ironically, staying at home so much has fostered laziness in me to blog.

I hope the MFA gets back to me on the results of the second round soon. To be honest, besides the social status and the fact that the pay will help get Nick to university, I don't exactly feel drawn to the job. Many people have been telling me that if you're not some scholar-material, you're just inside to do the work that no one wants to do. Personally, I hate it when I'm not being utilized to the maximum. Makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.

I've been toying with an idea for some time. Should I not get the jobs of my choice, I would like to go teach English in Banchang, Thailand. Most people who know my working style have been encouraging me to be a teacher, but I've made it pretty clear that I don't like teaching students who are only learning for the sake of examinations. Teaching English in Thailand however, a different issue altogether. The language will actually help bring higher-level jobs to the countryside, or at least increase the value of these students when they eventually go out to work.

The slow pace of lifestyle will also mean that I can afford a bicycle and travel around the neighboring towns, learning about changing third-world lifestyles in the face of rapid development. I can partner factory owners to ensure ethical and sustainable industrial processes, learn entrepreneurship from the local shop owners, and even minister to the Thai Christians over there. The idea of having a blog or Twitter feed that can broadcast my updates back to friends and supporters back at home is also incredibly attractive, especially if they inspire creative ideas to improve the Thai's life. I won't need much monetary support too, probably about S$1000/month would be sufficient.

Sigh. But it's all day-dreaming I guess. The pressure of status-anxiety among my peers, the family's financial vacuum and my parents' well-being are all obstacles that have to be overcome. The only concrete step taken is to pick up Thai from David, who's been so kind as to teach me the language at express speed through weekly lessons.

However, the thought of toiling in a job which does not utilize my talents and worse still, brings no meaning to my life, is a terrible thought. But then again, isn't that reality for most people in the Third World?

One thing you lack. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. -Jesus (Mark 10:21)

Un-Moving

2011-01-25T18:45:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm not moving in the end. It was too much of a hassle to shift to tumblr, and from experience I write way too much to justify the templates used in a micro-blogging site like Tumblr.

So I decided to spend a full day revamping the blog, getting rid of little bugs, adding the comments function and removing the little vanity things like visitor counters and personal profile. There is a peace of mind when writing under anonymity, although readers who actually bother to sieve through the entire archive might piece together who I am.

But I'm staying, and not going anywhere. Appreciate all comments to improve this website for His glory!

Moving

2011-01-19T23:42:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged for the longest time. Seems like I've transited a little too far into micro-blogging, specifically, Twitter.

Considering moving the entire library of thoughts to tumblr. Will keep everyone updated soon.

Couple Dynamics

2011-01-12T09:39:00.002+08:00

From stereotypes to basic assumptions. I'm quite sure majority of Singaporeans think this way.

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, but far too many third-parties are having an influence on the perception.

I must endeavor to stick to my own.

Poverty and Temptation

2011-01-08T01:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I feel so weak to temptation that the only thing that stands in my way is my own sheer poverty. You won't believe some of the most regrettable things I would do if I had some to spare.

Nope, I don't even believe it myself.

What a sad way to start the new year.

Poverty is the schoolmaster of character. -Antiphanes

The Un-Conditionality of Love

2010-12-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

Despite having been brought up in a Christian family and a born-again Christian for more than 10 years, there is one huge barrier to my understanding of how love works.

I am unable to conceptualize "love" any further than the combination of two factors: duty and credit. As Christians, we have a duty to love others, and as such no one should be unlovable. Yet on the other end, is not love something that we strive to attain by perfection?

I once knew what it was like to love without reason. Or so I thought. But as the realities of life eventually broke through the curtains of romance, I tell myself: It must have been lust. Or sympathy. Or the human need of my ego. Or because we knew one another's dark secrets and vulnerabilities. There is no such thing as unconditional love! The beloved must possess some quality to be desired. If no such quality exist, then love only comes about as resultant of a choice to be duty-bound by the lover.

With such a formula in my mind, I cannot understand how God can love me unconditionally. But that's not difficult to reconcile, because God is God and His love is beyond my understanding, surpassing any standard that I can ever hope to achieve. But this gap in understanding only serves to weigh me down whenever I sin. Sin means I'm not up to God's standard, and as such, I can't reconcile the fact that He doesn't hate me for making mistakes, ESPECIALLY when they are repeated again and again.

For example, I believe one of my biggest weakness is my ego. When cornered, I am inclined to fight back, yet I am resolute in my stand not to return the insult. So what do I do? I lie. And God, is my creativity at full throttle when I lie! I conjecture lies so sophisticated yet without much though. Automatic.

Colleague: (loudly) Hey I heard that you're not staying on with the company. Why aren't you staying?
Me: Personal reasons. I don't like to talk about it. (Truth is, I don't mind talking about it, but I don't want to talk about it with you. I don't want you to know about my family's financial circumstances, my unhappiness at the way I was blatantly favored over my friends, and my loss of trust in the company to handle certain issues)
Colleague: Oh, so have you started applying for anywhere else?
Me: Not really. (Truth is, I've just sent out my resume and cover letters to 6 different companies already)
Colleague: Oh, then you might want to try XXX statutory board, from what I heart they're very good.
Me: Oh okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the advice. (Truth is, I have absolutely zero interest in the ministry and no intention to even check them out)

Breakdown. I wasn't even really cornered to begin with, lies (some might argue that they are white lies but honestly, lies are lies are lies are lies) just keep coming out. And then, I'll feel like I'm just sliding back into failure mode. Confessions abound, resolutions to keep on the straight and narrow, convictions to change with His help. But I still don't understand this unconditional love. I dare not entertain the miserable thought that God only forgives us because it is His duty to do so. In that case... won't love be tied to perfection? Won't sin decrease the love in some proportionate ratio that God deems worthy to utilize?

As I observe my couple friends, think back about the relationships that I once had (and lost), I can't help thinking to myself: I'm single because I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not gentlemanly enough, not rich enough, not handsome enough, not fit enough, not intelligent enough, not confident enough. But then again, I'm well aware that this might not be the case. Nevertheless when I see a friend who's attached, I'll squeeze out some rationale to satisfy my querying spirit. Richard is good-looking and confident, Matthew has the gift of the gab and is really generous, David is steady and manly, etc. There are even some for the third-party guys in all of my past relationships.

And so it comes whenever I'm chasing after any lady, my perfectionist mindset and self-consciousness sets in, and I inevitably begin to act differently in her presence. And when I encounter failure of any kind, especially those along a moral spectrum, I can almost see my "score" being deducted at the speed of a taxi meter and before long I back out. It doesn't help that failure is only more evident with heightened awareness and a suddenly fragile ego.

Strangely enough, I have no desire for women who display top-notch, holy-holy behavior. The opposite is true: I'm drawn to the very "imperfections" I try so hard to avoid. Especially if I find out occasions where they have been lying to protect their image, has displayed vengeful hatred, have occasional bad tempers, possess glib tongues, etc. Not that I share any of these traits, but in many senses, they seem a little more normal and exciting.

It's ironic how I mark myself down when my mistakes and sins are exposed, but have a totally different scoring system to judge interest in ladies. It might just be God's providence that this mindset ensures my singlehood, in addition to my misfortune to be attracted to either women who are already attached or whom I know I shouldn't venture any further with. For the latter, I usually fail myself so badly that I have no choice but to withdraw from contention, if they don't already hate me or think me a weirdo or loser.

But all said and done, I still don't get the unconditional love part. And maybe that's why it's so hard for me to evangelize confidently when the only thing material I have is whatever I've been taught. How can love possibly be unconditional?

There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.-Solomon (Prov 30:18-9)

Blessed Christmas!

2010-12-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Blessed Christmas to one and all, and may the good Lord continue to grant you the desires of your heart even as you serve Him in all obedience and faithfulness. +)

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. -Paul (Galatians 4:4-5)

The Otter Inside

2010-12-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

Often, I tell myself to MAN UP, but deep down inside, I'm a lot more like an otter.

So please don't reject me should I try to hold your hand.

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. Alexandra Penne, Self

She's Got Me High And I Don't Even Know Yet

2010-12-21T00:04:00.000+08:00

When you least expect it. Time to rip myself away from temptation and chance.

We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us. -Anonymous

-

2010-12-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

When God doesn't want it to work out, it just doesn't. I know He has another route for me, but as long as you're in sight, an invisible force draws me towards you in a manner I can't comprehend. Out of sight, out of mind, the saying goes. And the time when we might never see each other again is drawing near.

I feel that every time I try to take a step forward, I get pushed back. Every action is suddenly weighed on a moral scale, nothing I do is right. You've been so cold since the very first day, and so warm to everyone else. Perhaps I'm drawn towards your dual-face personality; perhaps the animal within me just relishes the challenge to go beneath that mask and see you for who you really are. I don't know, and for once, I don't want to think about it.

I don't know if you will ever find out my side of the story, but my bigger fear is that you won't even care if you knew.

It is indeed terrible to be blamed, cursed, screamed at, or even falsely accused. It is far worse however, to be completely ignored by someone you care for. -Valentino Casanova

Growing Old

2010-11-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

Something within tells me I'm about to encounter one of the biggest crossroads of my life. I know not what, I know not when, only that it is soon, and it will come.

I've been trying to fight the voices around me, they no longer tell me that I cannot make it any longer, they've been trying to make me feel guilty. Am I to feel guilty for evil thoughts that seep through my head and into my conscience? Am I to feel like a sinner when my thoughts go haywire?

There are things I crave for, things that make me vulnerable. As the days go by, I'm no longer the actor, I've become the reaction. I'm beginning to shun small talk, even conversations with friends. It's terrible that nothing excites me any more. I don't look forward to the future, when I will grow up and grow old.

I walked my grandma back to her place after the toilet renovations were over. 5 years ago, the time taken to walk from my house to hers was only 5 minutes, now it's nearly 45 minutes. I feel her feeble hand grasp mine, occasionally letting go. Her body is filled with perspiration, even though she had taken a bath at my place. She can't speak anymore, but we all know she still likes sweet desserts, and have provided her maid with enough money to get her towhuey from the hawker center downstairs.

But as we were walking home, a fear gripped me. I don't want to grow old. If being old means being led by the hand, being fed, being bathed, being treated like a child...

Suddenly, the future doesn't look so bright any more.

But I do know one thing. If the future doesn't come, then I might never have the chance to see you and hold you in my arms.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. -David (Psalms 71:18)

The Jubilee Project

2010-11-17T19:47:00.000+08:00

Can I listen to your song?

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. -Rumi

My God Provides

2010-11-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Met my dad for dinner today. Before we met, this was his SMS.

I'll be a wee bit late. While waiting, think of what you very much like to have for dinner. Fret not, I'm feeling rich! Love Dad :-)

That's my dad, always trying to clear my insecurities. One can't help but love him for trying so staunchly to do that.

When he arrived, he proudly showed me a $17,000 check for a project that he had been working all year long. All of a sudden, my huge worry regarding the fees for Andrew's Media and Communications Studies in the University of Queensland disappeared. The sum was enough to pay off 1 out of the 3 semesters that he will be doing in Australia, as well as provide a cushion in case any trouble was to happen.

God is truly wonderful! Despite being semi-retired and earning inconsistently, God still provides opportunities for him to work on small projects and bring home something for the family!

For today, I felt happy enough to suggest eating at Inagiku after that. Had one of the most delicious (and expensive) dinners in my life, and a long, memorable conversation on my future career direction(s).

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. -Paul (1 Tim 6:17)

-

2010-11-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

The topic of "you" was brought up over a game of pool with an old friend. And although I haven't been writing much about you lately, you haven't been far from my thoughts.

Sometimes, as I observe the behaviors of young couples thoroughly soaked in an atmosphere of love, I think about the two of us and how I once used to be able to love so deeply in that manner. It goes without saying that I also haven't been loved in that manner for so long I've forgotten what the feeling is like to be loved so deeply by another, with a passion to possess wholly, shutting out the rest of the world despite their screams to be heard.

Over the last two weeks or so, a strange fear has gripped me in its occasional but nagging grasp. It's the fear that I will never be able to love so deeply again, or translated in a slightly different manner, the fear that I have lost the ability to love another with all my heart.

So many things have changed since the day you left those years ago. No longer am I worried of being double-faced, now I'm totally transparent. My colleagues can feel my angry or stressed-up vibes from afar, and when I'm not myself, the whole office realizes it before I even know it myself. I also find that when I'm trying to pursue the love of another, I begin to do silly things that reflect nothing of my character, only to be (understandably) shunned and blamed for stupid mistakes that occur along the way. No longer do I find a thrill in fooling with the feelings of ladies I have no interest in, I just turn them down before anything grows.

But when I'm not in love, when I have no one to impress, in the midst of my family members and close friends, I'm happy to be eccentric. I'm myself when I laugh very loudly, dance instead of walking, dish out good advice that no one really wants to hear, and grin from ear to ear. I'm myself when I dress unconventionally, make funny remarks out of nowhere, provide alternate perspectives few have ever considered and talk about sociology and God for a good half an hour straight without an indication of stopping anytime soon.

It's strange how I know I'm eccentric, because the general view is that you can't be eccentric if you know you're eccentric. Even writing that last line was a terrible tongue-twister that I won't bother explaining. But I'm happy to be alone, and I don't want to fall in love because honestly, I'm not myself when I'm in love, and secondly, I don't actually think anyone will fancy me when I'm myself. I think I'll make a fake boyfriend if I were seriously in love, and will make pretty uncaring boyfriend if I'm being my authentic self.

I've kinda lost my train of thought halfway writing this, but I think I'll leave it there because I know she's probably going to find this post somewhere down the road. As for you, I hope you're happy, and I want you to know that you're still in my prayers every night.

Write me a letter if you have the time. I love letters, and I believe that your free-spirited nature will produce some of the most extraordinary literature to me, even if they probably make no logical sense in every nature of the word.

Write to me.

What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. -Liz Carpenter

Couple donate lottery win

2010-11-06T11:48:00.001+08:00

Link: http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_599990.html

It's news like this that makes me very, very happy. It's news like this that allows me to believe that there is still hope for mankind.

Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. -God (Deuteronomy 5:10)

Heartbreak Warfare

2010-10-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

If you say yes now, then no longer am I too early.

I am too late.

If you want more love, why don't you say so? God knows how much I'd love you if you let me, but I can't break free at all. -John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

A Note to... Myself?

2010-10-21T22:46:00.000+08:00

I saw that a friend was depressed on Facebook, so I wrote him a little note to cheer him up. The note went like this:

If you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and your faith is shaking along the way... sing.

Sing like you've never sung before, dance like no one's watching, and when you pray, have a chocolate bar at the same time.

God doesn't mind... if your teeth are brown and that you talk while you eat. He only wants you to remember that His timing is the best timing.

"... and with less than 2 seconds on the buzzer, Michael tries a huge jumper... OH MY GOD IT WENT IN! GAME OVER UTAH! HE COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR MORE!! GAME 7 AND CHICAGO BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE!"

Don't worry when you're down. It can only get better from here. +)

Then after I pressed the "Comment" button, I stood back to reread what I had just written.

And to my amazement, I realized that I had written the note to myself.

By all this we are encouraged. -Paul (2 Corinthians 7:13)

Who Needs Instruments??

2010-10-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

Perhaps the only reason why I would ever buy an iPhone.

Richard, David, if you're reading this, let's try this on the MRT! If we pull this off successfully, I'll buy you both dinner. Let's set this as our goal for before the year ends.

Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. -Steve Jobs

Rescuing 33 Chilean Miners

2010-10-13T22:40:00.001+08:00

Photo courtesy of Reuters.

Thank you for praying for the Chilean miners! Our God is a God who hears, and with His hands He will rescue and protect the ones He loves.

He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. -David (Psalms 18:19)

To Deny Oneself

2010-10-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34)

Deny myself. For someone like me, that is nearly impossible to do. I live on dreams, and thrive on ambition, and I feed on expectations. To give up everything to pursue after His heart means that I have to give up running after things that the world has socialized me into desiring. But does that mean that everything left to run after is boring, without reward, and passionless?

I may not be inclined to do evangelism, but there are many other things that I could possibly find exciting and still do it! The one that attracts me most is this:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27)

That's something meaningful! To look after the helpless and ensure that they are fed, clothed, and have a future. One reason why God directed me to do Sociology was because the subject allowed me to take a close look into the process of marginalization, to study the workings of society and to see the inherent obstacles faced by good Samaritans.

Also, I may not have money, but I have ideas and I can motivate. God has provided me with an opportunity to be educated with certain mindsets and perspectives that I can contribute.

Question is, are we willing to die for something good, pure and true but brings no benefit to us at all?

It is by answering this question that those of us with a conscience, I believe, will come to realize that living for oneself is living for nothing at all. The revelation in the Bible will then demonstrate as clear as day, that somewhere deep within, we were hard-wired to live for something greater than our imaginations can ever conjure and our minds can ever comprehend.

If there is nothing in this world other than yourself that you would die for, than maybe you haven't truly lived. -Valentino Casanova

A Turn-Around and a Thanksgiving Post

2010-10-02T22:57:00.000+08:00

For the people who have been praying for me, this post is a thanksgiving to God and to you all. My prayer life is back on track, and I've been comforted by His words to me. I was also thoroughly refreshed from the worship practice and flag day today, and though I'm really tired now, I believe God deserves recognition without delay!

It has been His grace that has allowed me to persevere with reading the Bible daily, and on Wednesday, I found some of my long-awaited questions answered. With regards to my question on my next career step, the verse from Joshua 1:9 was how the Lord chose to reply.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

The Lord has left the ball in my court, with the promise that He would stand by me in every decision I make. I knew it was Him, for a huge weight of anxiety was suddenly lifted from me, and an amazing joy swept through me with the freedom that accompanied it. However, it is still my responsibility to make Him obvious to my colleagues, wherever I choose to go in the end, and to ensure that His name is glorified through my words and deeds.

It was also by His providence that two friends decided to do something which had the effect of touching me deep within. One of them wrote a long letter, as he always does when he finds something amiss with my spiritual walk from my blog post; another sent a song which touched her heart to all her church friends in which I was included. The correspondence with the former shook me up a little, while the song and openness with her vulnerability of the latter inspired me to lead the song for youth worship tomorrow.

I find myself now looking forward to every word that comes from Him, and in His time, my questions will be answered.

The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. -David (Psalms 119:130)

The Social Science Theoretical Dilemma and the Christian Truth

2010-09-27T23:55:00.000+08:00

The schools of thought in social science can roughly divided into those who believe that the individual's consciously perceived action has a direct impact on society, and those who believe that an individual has only little or an indirect impact on society. For easy understanding, one is forgiven to understand the former as micro-sociologists and the latter as functionalists. Twenty-first century thinkers however, like Bourdieu and Foucault, try to straddle somewhere in between with complex theories that make it impossible to classify them into either school of thought, so are left pretty much in the middle.

However, the dichotomy of institution versus individual was never really overcome. Even as some of us have noble aspirations to change the world, we are divided along that premise. Are we to work our way up through the government ministries and eventually make our way to global institutions such as the United Nations, World Bank or other high-level organizations so as to provide our solutions to make the dream of a Kyoto Protocol or a Copenhagen come true?

Some of us might disagree, and argue that the real work is at the grass root level, found in civil society, to empathize with those on the ground. To live with the poor is where we can eventually find the solution to world poverty and hunger.

Both are not wrong, but neither are both truly effective. Theoretically, given our limited wisdom and communication abilities, we have reached a deadlock. Or have we?

This blog post proposes another perspective that works on a similar dichotomy, but out of the stifling box of political science and sociology. Above the global and national institutions with their own petty interests and conflicting goals is one institution with a history longer than any man has ever created. Christians call this institution the "Kingdom of God". Below civil society, grassroot movements and the individual lies a subject of a unit commonly misunderstood to be smaller than the individual. Christians call this unit the "soul".

In social science, we cannot call an individual an institution, though late thinkers like Foucault will argue that it is thoroughly possible to institutionalize the individual. But one forgets that Foucault also argues that the individual must rebel against the external institution so as to gain his freedom from the institutionalization that has taken place within. All pretty understandable, but not quite so believable, and becomes extremely confusing when extended from there onwards.

The new proposal instead is based on one "strange" logic.

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you." (Luke 17: 20-21)

The Kingdom of Heaven was built to contain souls, but a soul can also yet contain the Kingdom of Heaven.

With this logic in place, we overcome the "size" problem of earlier thinkers i.e. institution is always bigger than the individual, as well as the confusing logic of later thinkers i.e. the impossible-to-measure "degree of institutionalization".

Answering the question of how we can change the world suddenly becomes extremely simple.

It begins simultaneously deep within, and at the same time, in the heavens above.

We Christians call that process "prayer". And boy, have we changed the world too many times to count!

What truth, when our Lord said, "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God"! After all, isn't it in poverty that we pray more and trust more with fewer distractions and worldly expectations in our heart? -Valentino Casanova

Lips of an Angel

2010-09-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

Was playing Rock Band with my church friends at Playnation this afternoon, and this was one of the songs we "performed". To me, it's one of those songs that I always hear on the radio and totally fall in love with but always forget to note down the title and band. Made a resolution to add it to my repertoire.

And as I'm going through the lyrics, it crossed my mind that this may be one of the reasons why God decided to keep me single for so long.

Because secretly, I'm still hoping that you would call me one day. And like the lyrics of this song goes, your angel lips might just still contain the power to make me unfaithful.

The pursuit of happiness is sadly, very much different from the happiness of pursuit. -Valentino Casanova

A Boring Day At Work

2010-09-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

Don't mind if you see widgets all over this blog, or be surprised if you suddenly can comment on my posts. I've been fooling around with the html templates; something which when I find myself doing, I know I'm way too free at work.

Today was an exceptionally quiet day in the office, with most of the managers out for client meetings and almost all of them going home straight. With hardly anything to do in the office, my boredom overcame me and I began to read Stuff magazine (the girl on the front cover was WAY too photoshopped), surfing for PR news and updating myself with the latest in world politics. The intern corner was a little quiet with one of us sick and the others pretty carried away with their work, whereas I was desperately finding ways to kill time.

Then it hit me. I hate the way I am now. It's strange because when there's a ton of work to be done, I can bury myself and avoid the spiritual emptiness and physical void, and work seems fantastic BECAUSE it's better than having to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. It takes my mind off real issues, and gives me a temporary albeit false meaning of satisfaction meeting small deadlines and racing against my abilities all the time. Reflecting back, most of the work given to me has been stimulating my memory, testing my determination and challenging my speed, but I can almost feel the monotony and dementia tearing my mind apart! Some parts of my mind which used to be so active in university are now couch potatoes watching the rest of my brain work. I can't even mentally multiply 62 with 33 in my head any more, a little Biblical empiral problem with calculations I was toying with (Daniel 10 and 11) on the way to work.

It took my very first no-work day in 3 months to realize this. How pathetic! Having been so absorbed at work and too proud to ask my parents for a cent, I suddenly get a glimpse into how it is to have no life outside of one's career. I can't afford to buy a book from the bookstore, and going to the library after office hours is too tiring (I'm too polite to do leisure reading during office hours anyway). I don't even dare to ask a girl I fancy out for dinner or a movie because I'm too broke to pay for the bill for both of us. Neither is basketball after work something to look forward to because I'm so overcome by lethargy so much so even the 2 gym sessions per week are a pain in the ass. Playing Starcraft II helps to while away the evenings when there are no emails to answer, but even as I lie down in bed for the night, I can't help but think that I've wasted those particular evenings on things that didn't matter.

Noticeably, for the first time, my dad didn't finch when I asked him for superglue to stick the sole of my shoes in place with the rest of the body. Think he's slowly getting used to me refusing financial assistance from him. I'm a working guy already for God's sake, even if all I get is an intern's pay. I'm still waiting for payday to arrive (next week seems like years) so I can get a proper pair of shoes to go to work with; hopefully my current ones last till then.

The nagging thought that going for this internship was an act of disobedience to God itself suddenly becomes very appealing, but I'm doing my best to shelve this aside in the hope that something good will come out of it. Self-pity is not going to solve anything. But even now as I ponder the next step as my internship crosses the halfway mark, my prayer life isn't anywhere close to my best. God hasn't been saying anything specific, and I'm not getting any inspiration from my personal Bible study. It almost feels like He isn't there, except to chide me to stop just when I feel like giving in to temptations online.

Time for bed. And no, I don't feel like praying. I've been praying for the same things almost every night for more than a year, and to be fair, I haven't seen any of them come true. And most of them aren't even for myself.

Giving up is certainly a viable option, if only temporarily.

Oh for the constraining love of Jesus to keep us active and useful! - Charles Spurgeon

My Internship Reflections (3 months)

2010-09-21T22:43:00.003+08:00

I'm finding it too coincidental to be true, but just when I'm going through a period of uncertainty about my future, especially career-wise, my QT material Everyday with Jesus is on the theme of seeking God's direction and having faith in His ways.

As my internship inches towards the halfway mark, I thank God for showing me so much about myself.

1. I don't aspire for obscene salaries, just decent payouts relative to what the company believes I can contribute. I'm pretty much satisfied with never earning above $10K a month for the rest of my life. But then again, I become increasingly restless whenever I feel that I am not being pushed to my fullest potential, and get irritated when others are constantly reminding me of the "learning points" of the menial aspects, even if they are right.

2. Despite my dad's mild disappointment that none of his sons are following his footsteps towards being an engineer, he will be comforted to know that at least one of them is strongly inclined towards the nature of his work i.e. consulting. My preferred scope of work is largely advisory, and I need to work towards not jumping so quickly into a defensive mode upon criticism, especially when the critic doesn't have a better solution him/herself.

3. I am not inclined towards using the phone for communication, I prefer face-to-face interactions with clients, and don't mind traveling to do so (I do harbor a dream to travel around the world on mad schedules for working assignments before I get attached or married). I also realize a strong tendency to sound extremely cordial, polite and instructional over emails. The moment I step into office, I tend to morph into a character markedly different from how my friends have perceived me to be, and I don't see it as necessarily a bad thing.

4. I value efficiency and quality above all else, and harbor a pet peeve against people who take twice the time I would take to do double the work. I thrive working in teams with clear, dedicated role for each person. The resultant is a terrible impatience for slow results and long, ineffective meetings that I justify based on the fact that we are paid to have better things to do with our time.

5. My strengths lie in research and analysis. I have a knack for creating hypothesis, theories, models and frameworks for understanding every and any problem, and I work best with a marker and a whiteboard. However, the downside is that of any theorist: a tunneling vision and almost total neglect for other competing attributes that I don't deem as important.

6. Sociology has taught me how to observe the positives and negatives of every situation. Thus, I tend to be pessimistic in a happy environment and optimistic during a crisis. Leadership studies show that if contagious, such traits tend to produce devil's advocates in the former situations, and charismatic leaders in the latter situations.

7. My unconsciously competitive nature around guys makes me a boon for the company and a bane for relationships. I thus thrive in a female-dominated environment running on testosterone compared to a male-dominated environment where everyone views me as a threat, or is led to do so. Embarrassingly, this also means that I work better in an office full of beautiful women than super friendly men.

8. Excellent presentation skills, British/American accents and the ability to suck up to the boss does not impress me, instead, it serves to increases my doubts about whether the boss can see through such a facade him/herself. Clear-mindedness, superb work dissemination and a knack for balancing client and corporate expectations are the truly admirable traits in my opinion.

9. Trust from clients, high-level superiors and subordinates under my charge (in that order) translate into a strong driving factor for me. Clients and superiors who value my opinion and in turn will tell me how I can improve in private make me feel like my effort has paid of. Superiors who give work late or with impossible deadlines (especially if it is a matter of lack of competence on their part) or openly reprimand me in front of my colleagues for a quality of work that they themselves cannot reproduce, will find it hard to motivate me to prioritize their work in the future. (Not that something like that has happened before)

10. Now that I'm single, I grow easily attached to my work, and possess the bad habit of checking and replying emails even when I'm at home or on holiday. I prefer long, non-stop working hours to university lectures and classes with time-wasting 2/4/6hr breaks in-between. My mum was right to worry about me being a workaholic, and is constantly trying to coax me home with home-cooked food.

This ends my reflection after nearly 3 months of internship work.

I wonder if these will change towards the end of 6 months, and if so, how.

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him? -Solomon (Ecclesiastes 3:22)

-

2010-09-18T00:00:00.003+08:00

It matters little, often, who crushes you. Neither how it was done. What matters is that your pride, or as the perpetrators label it, your ego, is crumpled, torn and shredded beyond recognition, like the paper kite it really is. Truly, sorrow is a sticky companion never to be satisfied, even if it buries the fragments of one's heart beneath the ocean floor. Little pity do we have for the moans of the weak, as the world scrambles heavenward in a desperate attempt to escape the rising waters of despondency.

I do not envy the madding crowd; I am invisible to them. Nor do I long for songs to transport me to a plane away from this forsaken prison; after all, zombies do not perceive themselves to be trapped in a transcendent world of madness impossible to differentiate legend from lies. The blurry shadows circle intermittently, imitating a ritual of movements, no, dancing compulsions with no final destination.

Oh if you could only see through my eyes and my mind, the perversion that has taken place, eating into the imagination quicker than the fires of lust. The flags of justice lie trampled in the sands of time, their poles impaled into the guts of the very men who once waved them as insignias of strength. Mercy has become, under dire circumstances, forced to prostitute herself to faceless adversaries with no other intention than to hear her sob so that she might one day forget her own name.

Lepers in suits straddle the rubber handles of escalators, shedding their flesh as they ascend and descend into the fire. Slippers are traded for high-heels starting from a dollar, but a twelve percent discount if you have painted fingernails. Make-up is FOC for life as long as you promise to be a test subject for botox. The fair sells office equipment and treadmills of various dimensions and scent, baby milk powder is sprinkled from the sky and the fountain spurts forth salty lime juice that reminds one of warm beer.

Across a classroom, a poster writes, "Ability is a matter of opportunity, success is a matter of upbringing". The brightest wooden matches cuddle to form a mini-bonfire atop an overturned, plasticine bowl concealing florescent bulbs and LEDs. Under the heat, plasticine melts and the dripping oil seeps into the cracks. Sparks fly, a temporary short-circuit, and the experiment ends with the student reprimanded for neglect.

It wasn't neglect, he argues. We all make mistakes. But some of us have shorter life-spans. Some were destined for yellow-flamed glory. The others will suffer the consequences. In the meantime, you might be snuffed out by the very pedestal that you never had the chance to stand on.

To face blatant nepotism after being sold the idea of meritocracy?

Maybe that's why they call us the "Lost Generation".

One day, our ideals of democracy and equality will be spat upon and mocked by our grandchildren, the very same way we mock monarchism and patriarchy today.

Even the best things are not equal to their fame. -Henry David Thoreau

Half of My Heart

2010-09-10T22:29:00.004+08:00

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Our faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

It's better that you never loved at all, if you can only love with half of your heart. -Valentino Casanova

Norwegian Wood

2010-09-06T23:20:00.004+08:00

My favorite book throughout my university life has finally been turned into a movie! Best thing is, it's in the Japanese language with Japanese actors!

There's something about stories with lots of explosive sexual release, where the female leads are impossibly gorgeous but mysteriously impossible to read, and where each dialogue is loaded with connotations and double-meanings which draws me to no end. Can't wait. I only hope that by the time December arrives, I would have someone like that to watch this movie with.

Even if for my own good, I know I shouldn't.

I have a lot more patience for others than I have for myself, and I'm much better at bringing out the best in others than in myself. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm the scratchy stuff on the side of the matchbox. But that's fine with me. I don't mind at all. Better to be a first-class matchbox than a second-class match. -Reiko Ishida, Norwegian Wood

If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit. -Nagasawa, Norwegian Wood

What Jesus? No Miracles? (Mark 6:5-6)

2010-09-05T22:12:00.005+08:00

Most of us who have been through Sunday school have grown up with the impression that Jesus can do anything. Technically speaking, that's correct, for after all, He is God. But Mark recorded a particular section of the Bible that may seem like a surprise to many of us. There were times when Jesus was unable to do miracles, EVEN WHEN HE WANTED TO!

When miracles of healing do not occur, someone has to take the blame. The guilty sufferer would suppose that God had allowed that sickness to occur because of some sin in his life. The disillusioned pastor would assume that he needed to correct certain issues in the church or in his personal life before God would use him as an instrument of healing. If both think a little longer, they might come to the conclusion that maybe it's God's will that the sufferer is subjected to this agony and stigmatization, and before long resignation hides behind the facade of submission of both parties. Prayers offered might sound a little like this, "Jesus, if only You were here to take away this pain and disease!"

Matter of the fact is this, not everyone who came to Jesus was healed. Nowhere in any of the four gospels was it written: And Jesus healed everyone who came to him. He may have healed many, healed chronic disease and raised people from the dead, but did it work every time? Nope.

Let's take a look at Mark 6:5-6.

He could not do any miracles there (Nazareth), except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Strong words. He COULD NOT do any miracles there. It was not because He did not want to, nor was it because He didn't take the opportunity. How would we explain this?

Theologians would take verse 6 as the explanation, i.e. their lack of faith meant that He could not do miracles. Uh huh. But what does it mean by a lack of faith? Is faith simply belief + obedience/action?

Nazareth was Jesus' hometown. He was not just the carpenter's son, he WAS the carpenter. A lowly occupation, plus He wasn't charismatic, good-looking or rich. The people of Nazareth had seen Him grow up, go to the synagogue, go to collect water from the well and deliver goods to customers. Suddenly, He was a celebrity with super-powers and brilliant scriptural insight.

Healing was impossible in the town because of this: Familiarity, which led to them assuming they knew who Jesus was. Put yourself in His neighbors' shoes. The quiet boy sitting with his mother every Sunday at the 4th row of your church's pews has suddenly become a celebrity. Everyone wants to know Him, to be with Him, and what's the first thing that goes through your mind?

"What the heck, if only they REALLY knew who he was. He's nothing special. I've seen Him grown up. I KNOW what He's really like."

There you got it. The reason why miracles did not happen. Jesus was not successful with every miracle, and that's a fact. Was He the problem? I don't think so. Was God purposefully holding back His love and healing power? If we believe that Jesus is God, then that's an impossibility. So what stops healing from coming?

Mark teaches us in the excerpt that even when Jesus was on Earth, He wasn't 100% successful. There is also the lesson of over-familiarity, when we think we know it all, how Jesus is like, how God is like. It is my strong belief that we will never really know how God is like. The Bible contains everything we need to know, but the best is still reserved for the end, during His return. In the meantime, we should be careful not to make statements that overemphasize the power of Jesus Christ. His power is truly ultimate and unmatchable BECAUSE it incorporates our will, and the world gives it the a name for this relationship that we all think we know only too well:

Love.

Love: The one thing that we might have thought we known before, and suddenly, are convinced that we know nothing about. -Valentino Casanova

And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith. -Matthew 13:58

The Importance of Friends (Mark 2:1-5)

2010-09-01T23:08:00.004+08:00

Richard just posted on his Facebook status "friends... u really can't do without them."

I can't help but agree. And the very next day, I was reading through the Gospel of Mark for the second time, and I found something very interesting in Mark 2:1-5.

Jesus Heals a Paralytic
A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Those of us from Sunday School, we know the story pretty well. But look carefully at verse 5. "When Jesus saw THEIR faith, he said to THE PARALYTIC..."

Notice something strange here. Apparently, the faith of the paralytic's friends led to the paralytic's sins being forgiven! Contemporary Christianity has all too often emphasized the importance of confession and repentance for the forgiveness of sins, but enclosed it in a box called "personal faith". For God to forgive one's sins, he or she has to personally want this forgiveness and claim it in the name of Jesus Christ.

Then is this story not unusual? Mark apparently did not see the need to emphasize the desire of the paralytic to be forgiven of his sins. This story could most certainly continue to be true even if the paralytic was a terribly cynical or skeptical person. After all, Mark saw it fit to attribute the forgiving of one's sins TO THE FAITH OF HIS FRIENDS.

Now, I am not here to discard the mainstream teachings of personal repentance and salvation. That teaching is very much Biblical, with sturdy foundations in the Word. Neither am I here to say that salvation is attainable without having faith in Jesus Christ. What I want to emphasize here is this: if you have a friend or family member who has not yet come to know Christ, continue to have faith! One friend was not enough for the paralytic, neither was two, nor three. It took four friends to convince him to come to know Jesus, and imagine their joy when Jesus forgave his sins and healed him of his paralysis! Even at his most skeptical, the paralytic would have at least paid a visit to the Son of God simply because of the faith of his four friends.

So for those of you out there with loved ones, keep holding on to that flickering flame of faith. Don't ever stop talking about Jesus and His power to save! Bring your loved ones into the company of people who share this faith in God to do miracles, and one day, your faith and the faith of your friends may see through to his salvation and the very healing of the timeless wound embedded deep within each human soul.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven." -Luke 5:20

Words are easy, like the wind; faithful friends are hard to find. -William Shakespeare

The Naked Young Man (Mark 14:51-52)

2010-08-29T21:06:00.003+08:00

As I shuttle back and forth from Promenade station, those twenty minutes have become some of the most serene moments of my life. It's always with a little regret that time passes so quickly as I step out of the train and into the mild zombie mood that I've slowly familiarized myself with. Nonetheless, every time I read a passage from the Bible, I inevitably learn something new, which never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, under Vicar's orders to the entire congregation, I have begun reading the Gospel of Mark. I'm no stranger to the gospels, but it's strange how after finishing the minor prophets, I've begun to see this book very differently. Mark, I realized, paid great attention to the emotions of Jesus. The sighs, the anger, the love, all written in such detail not seen in the other gospels.

However, one particular verse intrigued me. Read this for yourself:

Jesus Arrested (Mark 14:43-52)
⁴³Just as he was speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, appeared. With him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders.
Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard." Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, "Rabbi!" and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him. Then one of those standing near drew his sword and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.
"Am I leading a rebellion," said Jesus, "that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I was with you, teaching in the temple courts, and you did not arrest me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled." Then everyone deserted him and fled.
A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

Now who was this naked man? Why was he only wearing a linen garment? Why was he following Jesus? And why did Mark find it worthy enough to note it down in this gospel aimed at encouraging the Christians?

Out of pure curiosity, I began to search for the answers online. Apparently orthodox theologians are divided between two possibilities. One group believes that the young man was Mark himself, and that this was his autobiographical signature that most of the readers at that point of time would have understood without him having to explain it in detail. Another group believes that it was to fulfill some prophecies in the Old Testament about wicked people running away naked after realizing that all is lost.

Some of the more unorthodox ones begin to quote from the secret Gospel of Mark, claiming the man to be Lazarus, and even connecting the dots to project the image of a homosexual Jesus. A lot of problems with that one, not even counting the fact that the secret Gospel of Mark is in itself incredulous in a hundred ways.

But after thinking hard for some time, a question crossed my mind. Could it be that the theologians were aiming for the wrong things all along?

The first group of theologians were seeking to identify the naked young man, but could it be possible that Mark did not mean for the man to be identified?

The second group of theologians were trying ways and means to fit the embarrassing episode into a prophecy, but could it be possible that God never inspired Mark to write it based on Old Testament prophecy?

So, I've decided to use what Vicar calls "sanctified imagination" to address this issue to come out with a more believable answer.

Firstly, as I re-read the passage, I noticed three things about that man.

1. He was young.
2. He was wearing nothing but a linen cloth.
3. He ran away naked.

Point 1:
I believe that Mark had purposely mentioned that it was a young man on the basis that youths, in general, have less to lose in life. Given that youths do not feel tied down to family responsibilities e.g. family to feed, children to take care off; and that they are also generally more rebellious in attitude, whether for the former-mentioned reason or simply based on hormones. It would then be much easier to explain the fleeing of the older disciples and followers who had families to feed and other dependents such as elderly parents. A younger man would have less to worry about, and would probably be more inclined to stand and fight.

Point 2:
Nights in that area of the Middle-East are especially cold in that season, and theologians already agree that it was extremely strange for a man to wear only a single layer of cloth to venture out at night. Did you not find it strange too that none of the disciples offered their coat to the young man? Two possibilities are present, firstly, that the young man was an outcast for one very strong reason or another e.g. bad attitude, suspected spy by the Pharisees, or secondly, that he was just a strong-headed fellow with a gung-ho attitude and a penchant for ablution. Regardless, in any case, given that lack of unity with the dominant group of disciples or foolhardy courage, readers would expect that he would be more likely to stand up for Jesus during the latter's arrest.

Point 3:
It was extremely taboo in the Jewish culture to run around naked. The most recent guy to do that (as recorded in the Bible) was apparently demon-possessed and thrown out of town. Even King Nebuchadnezzar was given no chance and booted out of his own kingdom. Most readers from that era would have thought that the man would have returned just to beg for his coat back, just so that there would be no embarrassment to himself. But apparently, there wasn't even any courage to do so.

My final conclusion, I believe, is that Mark wrote that down to make an emphasis on the fact that even the boldest person with nothing to lose was too afraid to even stay. From the fact that none of the other gospels included this embarrassing episode, it is safe to say that Mark was trying show how terrified the people there were, and to show that even the bravest soul had abandoned the Son of God in this horrible moment. Given that the Gospel of Mark was the first Gospel among the four to be written, this supports the need for such a description, and that if theologians are right that Matthew and Luke had taken their reference from Mark, they might have found such an episode worthy of deletion given that most of their readers would not require so blatant a point that they should have gotten from the Gospel of Mark itself.

The takeaway for contemporary living is simply this: None of us should be too quick to say that we will do anything for Christ, much less something as silly as dying for Him. Peter, who ate with Jesus and listened firsthand to His Words, went so far as to declare that he would go to the very end for Him.

Of course, there were (and still are) people who died for the name of Jesus. I'm not saying that it's not possible; on the contrary, we should live everyday of our lives for Him. But understand that without the Holy Spirit, any such declaration would be foolhardy and a likely overestimation on our part. In time to come, some of us reading this post would have to endure death for His name, but till that glorious moment, we must try not to boast about it. Even those with nothing to lose, like that young man clad in nothing but a linen cloth, might flee for their lives when it is time for the rubber to hit the road.

Hopefully this provides a different perspective as compared to the contemporary theological debate, which I find somehow... flawed.

Dogmatic theological statements are neither logical propositions nor poetic utterances. They are shaggy dog stories; they have a point, but he who tries to hard to get it will miss it. -W.H. Auden

Time Will Tell

2010-08-26T17:45:00.001+08:00

Truth forever on the scaffold,
Wrong forever on the throne.
Yet that scaffold sways the future,
And behind the dim unknown,
Standeth God behind the shadows,
Keeping watch above His own.
-James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)

What Drives You?

2010-08-23T21:39:00.002+08:00

During a youth sharing session last Sunday, the question "What drives you?" was thrown to the forefront. It's easy to take such a question lightly, until one begins to slowly listen to the responses of those around him/her. Answers such as computer games, music, friends begin to emerge from the lips of the members sitting in a the little circle in the room.

Valid answers, all, I thought. But then again, how could it be? How can one be fueled by something like computer games? How can music be the oxygen that sustains the flickering flame that burns in the heart within? How can something like friends, which often change like the seasons, be something to look forward to everyday?

Then it was my turn to answer the question. It was not difficult to sense that although the question might be very exciting to answer, few would bother to listen to the answers of others. Why should I care, after all, about the force that drives my brother's life?

My answer to the question is simply this: expectations and responsibilities.

I don't know if it's Biblically proven, but that's the measuring stick that I use to draw the line between maturity and immaturity. I grew up accustom to not making demands of anyone but myself, and living and breathing to accomplish the expectations set for me, and the responsibilities tied to my position.

In this case, immaturity is seen through the desire to live for one's personal pleasure, to throw one's responsibilities aside and to do what one wants to do.

How can one be considered mature, if all one does is live for tomorrow's pleasure? I am not able to understand. Then again, the world celebrates the eccentricity of desire, the madness of lust and the beauty of "following one's heart".

Do we not fall in love with Audrey Hepburn's amazing character portrayal of Holly Golightly, the eccentric gold-digger in Breakfast at Tiffany's? Are we not obsessed with the strange antics of Lady Gaga, the self-obsession of Michael Jackson and the fashion of David Beckham? The world today celebrates a drive that is supposedly "true to oneself", "honest" yet "glamorous" and noticeably consumer-based.

It was foolish to believe that the working world would be as meritocratic as the education system, even if the latter wasn't perfect. Truth to be told, it is even more skewed. Hard work and a sharp mind is worth little, interpersonal skills and a strong alcohol tolerance is probably more useful. Personal wealth still possess the strongest correlation with success.

But the people with supposedly the most "charisma" I find, are simply those who recklessly pursue what they want to pursue i.e. their heart's desire. I see men who possess credentials that would make my resume little more than a blank piece of paper.

They are not older men with a wealth of experience beyond me. Almost all of them were younger than me, but my goodness, the things they have had!

Some of them collected cars, some of them have amazing portfolios of photography, some of them have numerous investment experiences, some of them have almost half a decade of experience with the stock market. Some of them have almost double-digit internships, some of them were renowned models, some of them fashion designers invited onto the world stage to fly all over the world. Some of them are entrepreneurs who appear on magazines, some of them are born-socialites, some of them are webmasters of internet portals with more than a million visits a week.

In my line of work, I have to familiarize myself with such people, and boy, do they blow you away! I shall not even venture to mention how pathetic I feel when compared to them. But then again, they are men who pursue what they really want, without a care in the world. And such behavior makes them attractive, and in today's media-crazy world, superstars.

Then I begin to ask myself: Why am I the total opposite?

The thing that fuels my life is the very thing that these men despise. Expectations and responsibilities. Of course, I can satisfy myself with the easy answer that every single one of them were rich, and if one is rich, one doesn't have to deal with expectations and responsibilities.

But I refuse to be satisfied with such an shallow answer. Then again, avoiding the question only makes my drive become a burden.

It doesn't help to think that God has expectations for me too, and that there are responsibilities to being a Christian. My very definition of maturity has become my stumbling block in a world that valorizes the chasing of one's desire.

Unlike them, I have nothing to show. No credentials, no medals, no portfolio. I had chosen to be a nerd during my student life, to write songs and stories over the holidays, take up church responsibilities over my weekends. When they were busy building their resumes by taking part-time jobs, learning about the stock market, socializing with societies' aristocrats, I chose to read self-help books, play computer games and tinkle on my guitar imagining I was a rock star. When they were busy trading on Wall Street, purchasing expensive equipment and studying about the latest fashion trends, I was doing my best to be a good son, take as little money as I could from my parents, and struggling with being a good Christian (to no avail as I soon learned).

Comparing myself to them, I think I've wasted my youth. As much as I tried to live a life without regrets, I had aimed for the wrong thing.

My life's fuel was topped up with "Expectations & Responsibilities" gas.

And with cars that run on "Pure Desire" overtaking me by the busloads, my bicycle engine is refusing to kick-start any longer.

I should have followed my "heart".

The first principle of success is desire - knowing what you want. Desire is the planting of your seed. -Robert Collier

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. -David (Psalm 145:16)

Pingat Bakti Masyarakat (PBM)

2010-08-14T11:26:00.004+08:00

Congratulations on your PBM award, dad. We are proud of you.

You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together. -Erika Cosby

A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke. -Solomon (Proverbs 13:1)

Thankfulness and... A Red Bean Bun

2010-08-07T23:25:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, I find myself thanking God for the littlest/strangest things that most people, I believe, don't really write about.

I thank God that Singapore is somewhere in the equator, and that despite the unbearable weather, the location makes me feel "central". New Zealand might be beautiful, but when I'm there, I feel like the world's forgotten me.

I thank God for chocolates, even thought I don't eat them. But I like that they make people happier.

I thank God for riffs, motifs and patterns in music, because they make me feel like bobbing my head and dancing. It gives music that reliable repetition in a framework that allows for magical improvisation.

I thank God for those long, sometimes terrible moments of loneliness, because even if all I'm doing is just complain and complain to Him, at least I'm talking to Him about it.

I thank God for that little lag time when I'm opening an Excel or Word document, or when I'm waiting for a web page to load. Some of those few seconds have caused me to make life-changing decisions, like not flaming an irresponsible remark online or closing the page before something immoral appears.

I thank God that my family does not have the money so that I can afford me an iPhone, sports channel, an X-box or a Playstation. There have been times when I'm so bored to death at home that I'd actually open my textbooks to study or my company email to finish up work. During the school holidays, I'd actually write out my unreal fantasies or attempt to work out a romance novel.

I thank God that most of my friends think that I'm probably too busy and/or too popular to go out with them. It has brought cause for free occasions for me to blog reflectively, to do housework, have dinners with my family (very often), read my Bible more thoroughly or work out at the gym.

I thank God that for that extremely cynical side of me, even if I don't like it very much. It has provided much balance in a personality very much inclined to positive leadership during crisis so that I make decisions informed with more than just viewpoints from one perspective.

And finally, I thank God my taste buds are really simple, and that the world hasn't reached a stage where we were charged according to the amount of satisfaction that we received from buying goods. Tofu, curry chicken, sparkling juice, steamed bao or anything from the mixed rice store would become terribly expensive.

My red bean bun would cost $15 dollars, and caviar 20 cents.

Oh, let me be the first to know when you're craving for a red bean bun again.

No one but a fool would measure their satisfaction by what the world thinks of it. -Oliver Goldsmith

When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. -David (Psalms 104:8)

More Marrying Foreigners / Imported Brides Popuar

2010-08-04T23:01:00.003+08:00

One of the biggest plus-points about working in the PR industry is that one becomes highly aware of international and local issues, especially regarding the specific industry that one's client companies are interested in. Nonetheless, there's always those outstanding articles that continue to catch one's eye.

A particular topic that have caught my eye:
"More marrying foreigners" [link]
"Imported brides popular" [link]

In response to that, a slightly angsty journalist/columnist/editor wrote a half-page article on this issue. From the tone of the article, there is no doubt that the writer is a local female who is obviously unhappy about why increasingly more (and yes, younger!) Singaporean men are going for foreign brides. (Sadly, I am unable to find the time to fish out the article and clip it, but it is not going to stop me from blogging about this)

Let me extremely blunt and logical about this matter as I attempt to defend these men. At the same time, I shall endeavor to be as impartial and objective as possible.

Firstly, we are not talking about arranged marriages. Contemporary marriage now requires the consent of two partners, and this has become a matter-of-fact that to argue against it is equivalent to screaming aloud one's allegiance to the culture of a barbaric civilization. But if we break down this "matter-of-fact", we begin to understand that marriage has delved into the realm of personal choice from a stage where it was a huge political issue involving families or villages. In other words, marriage has dwindled down to basically a matter involving two consumers. But local women who are unhappy about this entire matter forget one thing:

THE MEN HAVE A CHOICE TOO.

It's simple. Gender relations, at the lowest levels, is a matter of economic principle. Understanding demand and supply requires less than a PSLE certificate. In this case, local females are a close parallel to a company who sells products that provide low satisfaction but come at a high price.

Before the local women begin screaming for my head, let us evaluate unscrupulously and unemotionally the benefits to a man if he marries a local woman:

1. Clear communication (cultural understanding and positive information/language exchange)
2. Monetary benefits (only if there's an agreement to pool resources)
3. Positive upbringing of children (only if she spends time interacting with them)

That's just about all the solid points I can think of. (The columnist strongly emphasized point 1, I racked my brains for point 2 and 3, but had to add clauses behind them) Let me bring it down to earth: clear communication is more a matter of willingness to try and less a matter of cultural similarities. If one however, is referring to higher level communication e.g. witty remarks, a closer look will enlighten one to the fact that such language and cultural nuances are, very often, a class issue. Only members of the upper-class tend to place such huge importance to cultural signals such as these.

Now let us see what the benefits are if a local man chooses a foreign bride:
1. Customization: He can decide to pick one with the figure of a porn star and a face of a goddess.
2. Low maintenance: Foreign brides will not ask for branded goods, spa-related holidays and a big house. Because of that (and better still) they are easier to impress. And there's no need to spend a ton on a candlelight dinner to have a 50-50 chance at having sex.
3. Control: Foreign brides come from mainly patriarchal countries and expect the man to be in-charge. And men here have largely been domesticated to treat women equally, but guess who benefits in the end!

There are quite a number more, albeit debatable points, so they won't be listed here. Now let us deal with the criticism of foreign brides:

1. Money suckers: People feel that foreign brides are out to cheat a man of his money, and it is no surprise that the biggest proponents of this point are local women. But then again, who ever said that local women are not money suckers too? Isn't "high maintenance", a commonly used term to describe local women, a direct equivalent?
2. Communication/Educational barriers: Yes, foreign women can't speak Singlish. So what? Given that a huge portion come from mainland China (some university graduates too), their Chinese is even more fluent than locals. And to say that they are not as intelligent is simply inhumane. I shall not comment on such a unthoughtful, biased statement. By the way, I do recall which group is constantly screaming to the men, "You just don't understand us!" Well, foreign brides apparently show a huge willingness to try.
3. Lack of loyalty: News goes around that foreign brides are not loyal, that marriage is simply one of their scams to gain citizenship into a richer country. Again, this is a huge myth. Foreign women are, if I may endeavor to say, even sharper when it comes to noticing economic differences as well as tactical in calculating their losses before risking an affair with a richer, more good-looking local playboy. No, they are not so stupid to fall in love with a construction worker just because he's from the same country.

So let's not overestimate importance of "chemistry". After all, it is still a Victorian principle born out of the upper-class and propagated by Hollywood. It is also helpful to note that the very men that form this group of "increasing numbers of younger local men who go for foreign brides" are low-income, low-educated males who cannot afford to date a trophy wife, yet still cling on to a traditional burden to extend the family line. Even their counterparts i.e low-educated females, are unavailable to them, a product of a generation that has wild dreams to strike it big by marrying a rich man regardless of background. How do we explain then, the (increasing commonplace) female self-expectation of looking beautiful and dating the rich men if possible? Doesn't anyone find it strange that increasingly all the best-selling, romantic dramas from prospering nations in Asia involve love affairs with rich men e.g. Love (Taiwan), F4 (Taiwan, Japan, South Korea) etc.? I don't even want to go into Western ones! And I don't buy the notion that local women only WATCH these stuff but go for men with average incomes. It's the same on our side, men addicted to pornography actually dream of being part of the action.

Yes, the feminists can blame the patriarchal nature of society, and yes, they would have a point. But then seriously, I'd like to see the feminist groups do something productive without hurting any members of their own gender groups in the long term. If they can't, they can jolly well remain single or lesbian, and not complain about this issue.

Low-educated, low-income males have needs and desires to be fulfilled to. And as much as they don't blame local women for being drawn to economically powerful men, let's be fair and not blame them for being calculative when it comes to picking a wife. They don't need a trophy wife, witty conversation, and a proper example for their children. That will only mean high maintenance, when they do have their beer buddies, and live in a society with increasingly cheaper childcare services and well-paid teachers. They seek respect, sexual fulfillment, and a smiling face when they come home from work.

Globalization has made that alternative available with the law of supply and demand. They want a certain type of women which cannot be found locally, and foreign women are more willing to fit that mold.

And everyday, local women, rich or poor, see themselves in a more and more difficult position. The beautiful ones still stand a chance to get themselves impregnated by a rich guy (wa man tin, wa man tin) and the rich ones can still choose the "angmoh", but do note that even that number is, and has always been, limited. Furthermore, the government, with a stand widely known as economic pragmatism, is unlikely to put a stop to this flow, and might even encourage it if it's proven to bring more children.

Don't ask me how to solve it. I don't know. I won't like to be in your position anyhow. I'm just a low-income, average-educated male. But for me, society dictates that I still have a choice.

Local women have a choice too. Then again, when was contemporary marriage ever just one partner's choice?

Maybe, just maybe, local women don't really have a choice anymore.

Fervor is the weapon of choice of the impotent. -Frantz Fanon

To J.

2010-08-01T23:05:00.004+08:00

I'm terribly sorry for making you feel like that. You are everything a hot-blooded male could wish for, but I'm not ready for a relationship now. Two years is a long time, and although I understand that it took you a lot of courage to come out from your shell, I haven't emerged from the mess of my own.

You told me that you are willing to do anything to make me happy, and you implied that you would change yourself into any woman that I desired. Additionally, as a friend Matt wanted the very best for me, for he did know that I was going through a period of loneliness in my life which, as you would know very well too, can be a torture to bear. In his zeal he tried to arrange things between us in a manner that any best friend would. But this is a trial which God has placed in my life, and there are certain principles which I cannot and will not break.

I have to admit that your confidence in a relationship with me is admirable. No, I'm no playboy, but there isn't anyone out there with the same sort of confidence, save for my mother. There were moments in my life when I believed so strongly in my own capacity to make the woman I love happy too, but this confidence has been worn away from the failed relationships in my own life, and I learned the very hard way to build them instead on Christ my Rock.

I've never rejected anyone in my life, at least not directly, and safe to say, none as beautiful as you are. Forgive me if this moment feels like a nightmare, given your qualities this rejection must be nearly impossible to swallow. After all, you have so many suitors that turning down offers for dates has nearly became tiring. Honestly, I've been trying very hard not to lead you on, but I would be a blind man to not see that you've had feelings for me for quite some time already. So tonight, I've made the painful decision to hurt you now rather than later. I would be lying to say that doing so hurts me as much as it hurts you, for there are few people in the world who are as familiar with, and fear the sorrow of rejection as much as myself.

Once again, I apologize for leading you on, if you ever felt so. I trust that you must have already felt quite strange given that most normal men would have leaped into action much earlier given the parade of subtle body language and verbal keys you have taken so much care in selecting to display. With regards to my self-control, it has been nothing less than divine intervention, especially around someone as attractive as you. But it does have to stop somewhere and somehow, before temptation seizes control of my actions.

These tears would eventually have to fall one day, but I wish I could show you a glimpse of the future to know that these tears are worth it in exchange for the tears of happiness I'm sure you will shed on your wedding day. You deserve a man who will love you enough to buy you the entire world if he could, and whom you would be more than willing to do anything to make him smile. I'm positive that for you, this day will come, and soon. Of even greater assurance, I dare say that if you could see for yourself the man God has prepared in advance specially for you, tonight will hold no regrets, for in every detail and feature he would be greater and more noble than I.

And if I may, I would like to introduce you one day to this God, this best friend of mine. He's been watching you ever since He created you with His own hands, and He's been eagerly looking forward to the day when you will come to know Him the way He'd love you to.

I'll be arranging the meeting soon. For now, just know and remember that He has the very best in store for you, and rest your hopes on that promise, for no one, and I say again, no one, loves you more than He does. +)

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. -Psalms 139:13

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

My Deliverer and My Stronghold

2010-07-26T22:23:00.006+08:00

While David and I were at the airport rushing to catch our flight, while Pastor Anong and the kids were on their way back to Ban Chang, a bomb had gone off in central Bangkok.

Let it be known that our God is a God who delivers, and no harm can befall those whom He loves unless He wills it.

I'm going to miss our wonderful hosts. Undoubtedly, they've restored my love for children, to the point that it made me wish I were a father with children of my own.

In a place where people are frank and direct with their feelings, yet sensitive to yours. In a place where adults never really grow up, and behave like no one's watching. In a place where children jump up high to hug you, even if all they can reach is your waist. In a place where no one really thinks about traveling any further than the outskirts of town, attaining huge paychecks and becoming famous. In a place where food is the basis of all fellowship and laughter, where everyone teased everyone, where you fell in love and married your best friend. In a place where everyone helped their neighbors build houses, and played soccer when it started to get boring or tiring.

I'm reminded that not everyone pursues the American dream.

And I'm reminded that maybe, just maybe, home is somewhere else.

Somewhere beyond the blue and out of the reach of time.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. -David (Psalm 18:2)

If we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is a wandering to find home, why should we not look forward to the arrival? -C.S. Lewis

"Pi Wictor" & "Pi Daewid"

2010-07-22T22:25:00.003+08:00

Just passed the midpoint of the mission trip, and everything has been wonderful! The people here have been extremely hospitable, and I do hope my ginormous appetite is doing some justice to their generosity. Time hasn't been passing too quickly or slowly: I've seen and learned much, and I've still enough rest at the same time.

I had been permanently posted to the Nursery section with David since yesterday, and today was our last day with them. Chasing a soccer ball around the playground, wiping their mucus from their faces, patting them to sleep, are just some of the things that I'm going to miss from my experience here. An interesting thing to note: Every teacher has her favorite kid, often not from their own class. The stranger thing to note is that the attributes of that chosen kid reflect something about the teacher's personality. One boisterous, feisty teacher has a favorite kid who is super rebellious and constantly refuses to eat. One loud and charismatic (but gentle) teacher loves a slightly autistic kid who us always seen moving away from the crowd. David's favorite kid (identified since last year) is a little shy girl from the Kindergarten whose name is called Pancake who's very quiet and enjoys burying her head in David's chest. As for me, I'm torn between a very good-looking young boy with long hair called Nooaid (he's going to be superstar if he plays his cards right) and a chubby kid in the Nursery called Kwan who can't stop talking to the people around him. Oh and did I mention, the kids have awesome nicknames. Ultra, Mega, Plang, Pee, Sea, Towsend and Alax. And it's super-cute to hear them calling "Pi Daewid" and "Pi Wictor".

The last few days have been spent traveling to the neighboring temple schools to organize hour-long English sessions for some of the students. It is truly by God's grace that we managed to capture the attention of nearly 200 kids (the first time) and 60 kids (the second time) for the entire period given to us. In addition, we've taught English to some of the Thai children in a small building called the Bethlehem house, where most of them come from poor families or have no families of their own.

The cell groups have been a massive inspiration for me personally. So far we've done cell group under the moonlight just outside the Bethlehem house, for a small family whose father has just lost his job, and in a hair salon! Each time, Pastor Anong ensures that some of the members will speak about what God has taught them over the week, and it is so encouraging to hear of their wonderful testimonies! If only my life and that of my Singaporean church mates were half as interesting. In addition, they all spoke with much conviction and at length, bringing much richness and openness to the fellowship that I hope to see back in Singapore.

It's truly been a fantastic journey thus far, and suffice to say, I've been encouraged very much by what this small-town church has done. Without a doubt, my Thai vocabulary has increased, and probably so has my weight.

Once again, I want to thank everyone for your prayers, and I look forward to telling you more stories about what God is doing in the Land of Smiles.

Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. -Paul (2 Cor 8:13)

Covered in Saliva and Mucus

2010-07-20T22:32:00.001+08:00

It's three hours before midnight in Banchang, and I'm sitting in the Kindergarten 3 classroom blogging away. My mind is currently filled with Thai phrases and vocabulary, and with David as an enthusiastic, round-the-clock language teacher, learning a new lingo has never been this exciting.

Pastor Anong is a fantastic woman, almost hyperactive, and the Rainbowland Children's Development Center is a beautiful place. Not exactly in an aesthetic manner, but the people make the place seem so warm and comforting. The children are insanely adorable, yet at the same time easy to entertain. Those in Nursery are constantly speaking to me in Thai, crawling onto my lap or back, or hugging my legs wherever I go. Those in Kindergarten love to play fighting games, regardless of gender, and my arms are bruised from being whacked by building blocks and covered with mucus and saliva. It's not difficult to see why David missed this place so much after his two-month stint here last year.

My favorite time has got to be putting the children to sleep. At noon, the teachers will play Thai worship songs and arrange the beds for them to sleep, and David and I will pat the (according to the rhythm of the songs) till their eyelids begin to get heavy. Of course, the more energetic ones will toss and turn, but apparently after seeing me yawn they seem to share the fatigue too.

So far the afternoons and the evenings have been spent doing visitations, and I get those moments when I wished I could speak a little more Thai. David's Thai is fantastic, and it's no wonder Vicar was impressed the last time he visited during David's stint. To think that he was still complaining that he has de-proved some more. Most of the time, I feel like I'm the only visiting guest, but hey, I had my share of the fun during the Gen12ii mission trip to Japan.

There are numerous things to thank God for. Firstly, my toothache has ceased giving me long-term headaches, though I still feel the huge financial pinch and regret that I spent money taking out molars that had no relation to the pain. Secondly, the room that I'm sleeping in has air-con, and the bed is more comfortable than the sofa-bed at home. Thirdly, I'm getting to learn and utilize a foreign language, which is a personal enjoyment for me. Fourthly, the food here is awesome, and the quantity so huge we can hardly finish what's on the table unless we totally gorge ourselves. Lastly, there's wireless internet and a laptop, so I can actually blog about whatever we've been doing here.

I apologize if this post (and the next few too!) sounds a little too rush and unlike my usual writing style, but I don't want to take up too much computer usage time. My new bed beckons, and I'm torn between giving explicit details and getting sufficient rest for the night. I've chosen the latter, as you can see, but stay tuned to this blog for more updates on our Thailand trip! +)

Once again, thank you for all your love and prayers. +)

Jergen na krab!

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. -Jesus (Matthew 19:14)

If

2010-07-18T22:03:00.003+08:00

If God had given me a beautiful, idealistic woman who loved Him more than I did, and didn't mind being away from home.

If my family finances didn't worry me so much.

I would probably be attached to a church in a 3rd world country teaching English, music and sports in the day, and singing songs in a cafe at night.

But not everything can work out like this in real life I guess.

Thank you Lord for whisking me away from the hustle and bustle of working life to a small town in central Thailand.

Even if it's just for a week. +)

When I ponder about why everyone is fighting everyone in a struggle to reach the top of the ladder, I find myself preferring to be comfortable at the bottom with a guitar, a glass of wine and a few buddies who love to sing. After all, isn't it the kind of life that those who make it to the top of the ladder find themselves envying while doing their darnest to keep balance? -Valentino Casanova

-

2010-07-14T22:59:00.003+08:00

It's a foreign feeling to have more than one girl liking you.

It becomes a cruel joke when I find out that all three have countless eligible suitors (not to mention those who are ineligible) who would do anything to win their hearts, but for some unexplainable reason I lack the slightest bit of interest towards any one of them.

Sigh. I've started using my new job as an excuse to not behave like a jerk, although loneliness and a wild imagination often makes for an offer too tempting to refuse.

I'm missing you.

More than you will ever know.

I dropped a tear into the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. -Anonymous

Wine in Heaven

2010-07-11T01:39:00.003+08:00

The happiest thing I did today was to attend a wine appreciation course.

My dad spends money on gadgets and holidays to Japan.

Andrew spends money on branded clothing and whatever rare leisure time he gets.

Nicholas spends money on sound systems to fulfill his audiophile nature.

I think that if I have money, I'll probably spend them on wine. Not a wine cellar though, too much of a hassle.

P.S. If anyone wants to share a bottle of Muscato after work, call me! +)

Sometimes pictures of heaven have baby angels with harps and lots of clouds. I don't think anyone wants to go to a heaven that looks like that. In my opinion, there's definitely going to be rib-eye and free-flowing wine, all my friends and family members to toast with, and no one will ever feel shy dancing and singing till his or her heart's content. -Valentino Casanova

Mad World

2010-07-04T22:40:00.002+08:00

I love the little truths in songs like these.

And I love it more when it gets stuck in my head and doesn't annoy the hell out of me.

Mad world. Such a mad world.

I can't wait to go home.

In a mad world, only the mad are sane. -Akiro Kurosawa

Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear

2010-06-28T21:55:00.005+08:00

Now that post-graduation work has started, it's nice to feel some stability with a newly established routine. Life returns to normal a little now that there's things to be done, general datelines to meet, with that pressure to learn something new about an industry that actually exists.

With the transition into working life more or less on its way, I can now say without a doubt that I'm not someone who can feel comfortable doing nothing productive. The saying "An empty mind is the Devil's workshop" truly applies to me. Since I've returned from my graduation trip to New Zealand, much of my mind has had been in quite a mess. By uprooting deeply embedded psychological and emotional problems in my mind and posing them as theological dilemmas, the Devil really made use of that opportunity to shake my faith and dilute my behavior.

I know this is going to sound a little strange, but my latest revelation came when I was watching Toy Story 3. I haven't watched the other two earlier productions, at least not to completion, so I wasn't exactly enthusiastic when Jeremy suggested the movie. But I dragged my feet to the theater, and I gotta admit the heart-warming parts really got to me.

In the movie, there is a villain by the name of Lotso, short for "Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear". Below is a picture of him.

Now there is something about this character that really drew me to him. Once a cute, lovable bear owned by a little girl who really cared about him, he and a few other toys were accidentally abandoned after a picnic. After a long way home, he found that the parents of the little girl had already bought another Lotso for their daughter, and bitterness and sadness blinded his heart so deeply he developed his own ideology of love and ownership. In time (and unsurprisingly in my opinion), he became the charismatic leader of the "abandoned" toys at Sunnyside Nursery.

I suppose most children who watched the show would be quite happy to see the villain get his just desserts at the end, but I felt really sad for him. In some way, I knew what it was like to be in his position.

Lotso was abandoned by an owner who meant the world to him, and honestly, his rage was justified. His developed notion of independence united the toys at Sunnyside, and he fed them with the idea that no one cared about them. Almost, I felt a parallel to his character. Having experiences that no one should really have to go through, I have come to believe in a certain pattern of relationship between men and women, and to be brutally honest I have shamelessly preached this to the people around me given any opportunity to do so. Fortunately most people have held on to the stance that my ideology is a little extreme despite none of them being able to out-argue me given the barrage of evidence and the strength of economic logic. Nonetheless, there have also been many who, after hearing my viewpoint and/or experienced a similar situation, have been made disillusioned with romance and love.

Lotso is just an extreme example of what entrenched bitterness can do. I don't suppose I've gone as far as him in terms of influence and far-reaching measures. However, the ideology that one was unloved and will always be unloved is, I realize, a terribly easy pill to swallow, and unfortunately, also one that is nearly impossible to spit out.

How different is the ideology that women will always pick the economically advantaged man and relegate the attributes of character, personality and talent! How easy is it for a man who was dumped to blame it on the monetary aspect of his rival, given that it allows him to keep his pride, and especially since societal trends lean so heavily in this direction!

If there is anything I've learned from C.S. Lewis, it is that one does not have to understand a pattern to believe it. Likewise, there is no need to understand the deep theological meanings behind a blood sacrifice to believe and receive salvation Jesus' death on the Cross.

Likewise, I do not have to understand how God brings two people together to believe it. Even if the evidence stacks heavily on the side of the opposition, I should not promote an ideology birthed from bitterness. Because like Lotso, I may be able to comfort and assure for a period, but in turn I'd also be planting the seeds of despair that might take more than a miracle to uproot.

Sadly, what was once a seed deep within me has blossomed into an enormous oak struggling to not spread its fruit and seeds all around the forest.

If there's one thing I hate yet thrive on, it must be that bitter sensation under the tongue that tingles and sparks.

Lord don't let my new job be the tranquilizer.

Oh, how bitter it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. -Wilfred T. Grenfell

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. -David (Psalms 71:20)

Sitting Back and Watching the Sunset

2010-06-26T01:54:00.004+08:00

Thank God for good friends who read this blog and send long emails to shake you up from self-pity.

It goes to show what a distance I have to become a better follower of Christ. No, it shows how warped my idea of a good Christian has become.

Does it have to be that I'm so far off from the ideal God has chosen to keep me in training mode? Can't it be that I've been specially chosen to undergo additional training for a higher purpose, a privilege that others do not have? I dare not suppose the latter, what evil pride harbors behind such a claim!

Admittedly, I'm feeling a little lost. And very jaded, despite trying to be as objective about my blessings as possible.

But I can't see any silver lining, so I'm making assumptions that hope is not present.

For a visionary, I'm probably one of the most pessimistic types God has ever created. And though this character trait has ensured fewer disappointments in life, it has also led to a lack of faith in anything or anyone but myself.

This lack of joy within is making even the slightest effort of optimism and enthusiasm difficult. And I'm done trying. I'm going to sit back, relax and watch the sunset.

It will kill me to not do anything about the visions God has given me, but I suppose everyone has to learn to let go and not be too much of a control freak one day. After all, He's the one in control, so I'll let Him do His job.

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. -Henry Emerson Fosdick

My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart. -Job 17:11

Daisies in the Garden

2010-06-24T22:49:00.004+08:00

Today was one of those exceptional days for me when I know that God is speaking to me.

I haven't been able to hear His voice for so long that I've almost suffered a spiritual depression. It was silly to expect to surely hear His voice during youth camp, but there were only traces of it, if nothing at all.

But God always shows up at unexpected places. On this occasion, it was the toilet at the dentist's office. On the wall of the cubicle was the poem Footprints in the Sand. I've read the poem uncountable times, nonetheless, the words shouted out this time.

Then an analogy came to me.

May is a girl who loves flowers, and was expecting her boyfriend Max to buy her some on her birthday. She's been additionally nice to him, and she's hinted way too many times that she really likes daisies. On the big day, Max doesn't even turn up, any worse still, he doesn't even pick up his cell phone. When he eventually returns her miss calls late in the afternoon, he cites fatigue, an excuse she finds extremely lame. So she barricades herself in her room and refuses to come out of it, much less talk to anyone, preferring to sulk and wallow in self-pity. Little had she known that if she had looked out of the window, she would have discovered the reason for Max's fatigue: Her entire garden is filled with daises dancing in the wind, newly planted the night before her birthday.

I feel like May right now, and I wonder so many times in the course of the past few days whether my inability to hear His voice is based on my rebellion and sulking. I'm beginning to be consumed by the thought that obedience doesn't pay off, and at the same time feel guilty for my lack of faith and my warped belief of a capitalistic nature of His justice. It's demoralizing to have to convince myself that I haven't looked out of the window yet, and at the same time trying to content myself with thoughts such as, "Wow the chicken rice stall is open today! I can save some money by having my $2 chicken rice! God is good!" when it has been open everyday without fail. I know my God is better than that, and that sometimes good things are worth waiting for, but at the back of my mind, all the good things that I want are slowly fading away in front of my eyes.

Anyway, I had my 4th teeth extraction which went very smoothly today. Hopefully that gets rid of the monthly toothaches. Come to think about it, I've lost more teeth then some of the street hooligans. Thank God for small mouths, now I'm $420 dollars poorer. I'm quite sure I can get the iPhone 4G for that amount of money.

I'm currently reading a book by Joshua Harris, the author of the Christian bestseller "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Bought the book "Boy Meets Girl" on impulsion because of a Tecman discount, now I'm regretting it. It's mainly written for couples already in love and finding if theirs is a godly relationship.

Finally, it sucks to know that I didn't have to kiss dating goodbye. It kissed me goodbye and walked out of my life.

To those men who think that being single was better than being attached, you forget one thing. There's "single and actively dating" and "single with no chance of being hooked up". The latter cannot, in any way, share in the lawns considered to contain the greener grass.

What's further embarrassing and guilty-striking is the insane number of complains in my last few blog posts. Sigh.

Hell is oneself, hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone. -T.S. Eliot

If I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,' I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent. -Job 9:26-28

Being Ignored

2010-06-19T23:43:00.007+08:00

It's late at night, and I'm getting this terrible feeling that no one would ever be interested in me. That I'm a condemned book whose poor condition and obscure contents warrants a stashing away in the attic of a library where only moths and silverfish frequent.

I'm feeling like a jilted lady on the dance floor, where men only ask me to dance because they were approaching my direction with the intention of inviting my friend, only to see her whisked away by another and creating that uneasy embarrassment that forces their pride to do what they would not have otherwise.

I'm feeling like a man who took half a night to built up his courage to ask a lady I fancied to dance, only to have her eyes on another much better looking stud dancing beside us.

When social dancing, there is nothing one abhors more than a release of contact at the end of a song without a minimal "thanks, that was great", "sorry I didn't get your name", or even a smile. It's even worse than dancing with a rhythm-deaf person with bad breath and a strangling grip. Basic etiquette amongst the human race saves us the emotional pain of such direct, truthful behavior.

Of course, there are people who claim they would rather dance with the rhythm-deaf-bad-breath-strangling-grip person. But the Pharisee within me reserves a certain amount of despise for them, even when I know I shouldn't. Being ignored, in my opinion, is far worse than being with someone you don't really like. It's different from being alone, which is necessary for soul development and self-reflection.

All of us are vulnerable, some more than others. It is times like these that I wish I could meet someone else who's feeling equally ignored and low on confidence to perk up right now, just so I can get rid of that "being ignored" sensation.

But isn't it always the moment when we think everyone is asleep that we suddenly feel that no one cares?

Worse still, doesn't one feel guilty when craving for attention, because our religious leaders recognize that as a sign of moral retardation?

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. -Oscar Wilde

I was brought up to never demand for attention, because to do so would be tantamount to deserving none. -Valentino Casanova

Writing Letters

2010-06-18T02:20:00.002+08:00

Love letters.

It's been ages since I last wrote one.

But they form some of the most valuable things in my possession. Stashed in a secret drawer that I hardly open any more.

But I kicked the duck and wrote one more. Not a love letter, just a... letter.

I realize how much I love to write. The joy of sitting down with a pen and carefully crafting each sentence with the intention of making the other feel loved, simply with words alone. It's a glorious feeling, something I could actually spend my life doing. Sadly, I haven't had many of them from the ladies in my life, probably because I haven't met one who really had feelings for me or whose love language didn't fall in that category.

To me, the perfect love letter can conjure even the physical presence of the lover. Nicholas Sparks books and movies are immensely popular simply because he uses this technique. You hear the voice of the writer in the background as the letter is being read. That's the effect of a good love letter. The Bible is a love letter from God, written so beautifully that when read, one can (though not always, admittedly) feel God's presence. In the most intimate of relationships, one can even hear God's voice, which aids significantly in other situations when trying to identify whether it is God speaking.

Love letters. A pursuit that I had to force myself to stop doing because it would have simply led people on for all the wrong reasons. The ideal substitute, song-writing, is just no fun when you don't have an audience. But as I sat down to write, I felt happy. And I'm sure God must have felt happy when He wrote the Bible.

As I wrote, a song came into my head. A beautiful song that you have got to hear.

Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be someone
Waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life

Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place would I recognize the face
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake and there's so much love to make
I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you and
I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life

It's you, it's you I've been waiting for all of my life
Maybe it's you, maybe it's you I've been waiting for all of my life

And I come to notice that with every love letter I write, I harbor a hope that has never seen the light of day long enough to turn into a proper thanksgiving.

Yet, even as I was writing, I was still hoping that it might be you. And I still am.

Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls. For, thus friends absent speak. -John Donne

Church Camp

2010-06-14T01:21:00.002+08:00

There have been many calls for testimonies regarding the church camp, be it during the closing night, main service or youth service. I see that many people have been touched by it: more people than ever are believing in revival, greater bonds are being forged both inter and intra-congregation, and faith is being build up.

It's also heartening to see Richard go up and share his testimony, especially since he's made a point to take more initiative to do the things he knows he should. I've witnessed (and am still witnessing) fantastic progress in his growth and faith; it won't be long before he surpasses many of the old-timers in the youth.

However, I cannot say the same for myself this church camp. I don't have any positive testimonies or words of encouragement for people. Instead, I've more questions than ever.

I get extremely uneasy when I hear sermons on blessings. And a large portion of Pastor Andy's sermons were based on the privileges, benefits etc. of unity in Christ. He started off on familiar ground, talking about the need for unity in Christ and Biblical evidences of Christian duty as such. Fair enough, I'm 100% behind that. However, when he begins to talk about privileges, blessings and benefits of being united, I suddenly feel a huge obstacle impeding my understanding. In a flash, the theme of the church camp simply disappeared from the sermon topics, and replacing it was many stories of how faith in God was compensated by blessings. To add to my self-righteous disgust, 99% of it was about money.

In addition, Richard, Dominick and myself spent quite some time talking about how we communicated with God. No lack of interesting conversational material when you're in the company of good friends like them. Among the things discussed was how Dominick was blessed by God with numerous things he desired (of which most of them he would admit were pretty superficial items) such as and iPod, iMac, miraculous changing of fast food menus etc. You really have to ask him to tell you all his amazing stuff. He just reminded God that he really didn't like to spend money, but would like these things, and voila, God answered him by blessing him wonderfully.

To me such stories are fabulous to listen to, for in some way or another, they strengthen one's faith and drive the listeners to seek God for themselves in a deeper, more intimate manner. And there are way too many stories of how God has blessed His flock by answering many of their hearts' desires.

But one thing I don't get.

God shows no predictable pattern of how He blesses people. Preachers like John Bevere have expounded on how obedience leads to blessings. Honoring your parents, obeying your superiors, working with all your heart, avoiding temptation are actions that are directly in accordance to the Word of God, and pleases Him. The divine order (quoting Pastor Lawrence) that God has set up in this world will ensure that we are blessed when we obey these rules.

Somehow tell me how come so many who've lived with unbelievably passionate adherence to the Word of God died such horrible deaths?

Forgive my Pharisee-like mindset, but I also know plenty of people who are simply Christians by name and pagan by actions have numerous prayers answered, especially prayers for blessings on themselves, with no intention to share them as alleged by their after-actions.

With such stories, I can only conclude that there is no way one can ever predict how God bestows blessings. This is very much in accordance with what I strongly believe in, for when was God ever the god of fortune or the god of prosperity that we might follow the Bible like some mechanical manual to twist God's arm into getting what we want? When was His sense of justice ever similar to my sense of justice? I don't understand the fairness behind the parable of the workers' wages nor the parable of the prodigal son, so what makes me think that I will ever figure out the conditions by which He showers His blessings or not?

Then again, I am pointed back to verses like Matthew 7:7-8, Psalms 37:4 and 1 John 5:14 which clearly indicate that God answers prayers, with conditions like seeking His righteousness first, in accordance with His will etc. How then do we explain fair-weathered Christians asking for a sports car and getting it? How can we ever know that asking for something materialistic, selfish will be according to His will?

Under the bombardment of such questions, I thus decided a long time ago that I won't ask God for material things that I deem stem from selfish desires. And I don't. Over the years I have cultivated a spirit of immense contentment with my circumstances and channeled all discontentment to myself in order to drive motivation for self-improvement. And when I hear how God blesses other Christians so richly especially in terms of material gains, I try to be happy for them, even if I think their conduct is terribly undeserving of such blessings. I tell myself that I must not be one of those bloody Pharisees comparing religious standards, for only God knows the heart. But given long enough, I often have the balls to think that God could be repeatedly making serious mistakes with His judgment.

Then again, I have two friends repeatedly asking why I can't ever seem to understand that I have the right to desire good things from God simply because of my status as a child of God. I don't get it. There are a ton of people out there who claim to be children of God, and He's blessing them so much, while leaving the extremely zealous and faithful disciples to die under persecution in third world countries for their faith without so much as to answering the prayers of their supporters for safe release!

Pray tell me, how can I ever ask for something materialistic or monetary without feeling undeserving or like a hypocrite?

Should that be impossible, pray teach me, how can I stop being envious of how others are claiming their sonships by asking and receiving for material gains way beyond what is needed to live?

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. -David (Psalms 145:16-17)

Avatar

2010-06-11T23:18:00.006+08:00

You know that a movie has struck a chord in the human soul when newspapers begin reporting a huge spike in depression numbers all over the world after it has been screened.

And I was right to avoid watching that movie in 3D when it was the top dog in the theater. And I somehow managed to find the willpower to resist it in on 4 plane rides over a period of 4 months. But all walls broke down on a bus ride back to Singapore for Kuala Lumpur. I decided that the psychological effect would be lesser with a sub-par sound system and a lousy screen, in addition to the expected stomach-churning bumpy ride.

I underestimated the power of my own imagination to bring 2D to life.

It didn't take much to push myself right to the brink of psychological breakdown in order to understand this phenomenon. Avatar was simply a reminder to people of a longing human beings were divinely created with.

That we belong to a home far more beautiful than our world will ever be, technology, human imagination and all.

That our freedom lies in a body and a name that we are yet to receive, and that our present condition is nothing but a weak prototype of the real deal.

That we were created to give our allegiance and fight for something grander than ourselves, namely a future.

That each one of us was born to be a hero, to be acknowledge as a prince/princess, and to be given a esteemed position destined for, yet fought for at the same time.

The beauty of the movie, really, is the fact that as a viewer you know deep down in your heart that the Navines were going to win. It would have been an extremely depressing movie should the humans have won. Viewers would have walked away feeling cheated of their feelings, and the ratings would have remained below the seabed. But as all good movies, the bad guys received their just desserts and the good guys became glorious victors.

It so happened that by divine arrangement I had a thorough read-through of the first three-quarters of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity at my grandmother's place a day before watching the movie. Succinctly, he summarized the beauty of everything Christianity was about. Let me re-frame it in the context of this post.

That eventually, the good guys are going to win. That their King is coming back one day to destroy this fallen world and resurrect the Tree of Life which belongs at the center of the planet. That they will have new bodies with abilities beyond the human imagination, with special names given only to members of the Royal Family. That they will be crowned as heroes, predestined from the beginning yet having fought for their right without that knowledge. That forever will be spent gazing towards a Central Destination where their energies are focused without obstruction and love will abound in the air and in the core of every relationship. Death and destruction will be stories of the past, exploration and adventure in the environment will be a hobby without limits, and time will be a dimension left on paper.

You really can't blame people for wishing they were in Pandora to the point depression overcomes their sensibilities. Christians have every right to have their heads in the clouds with their absurd levels of faith in such dreams.

The irony however, is that the most devout Christians were also the biggest contributors to the world. Their rhetoric was clearly embedded in other-worldly fantasies, their actions based on a credit-accumulation system with an interest rate that was out of this world, their time spent on pleasing a Spiritual Being that cannot be scientifically proven and seen, and their bodies worked to death as if it was nothing more than an avatar.

It is with such a level of absurdity that I'm hoping my life would undertake.

To know and live out the fact that I am created to be nothing less than a hero fighting under the flag of a King whose victory has already been predestined.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -C.S Lewis

Stepping into the Working World

2010-06-05T19:25:00.002+08:00

Grad trip over, time for the ritualistic job search with the duty of customizing and sending resumes, impressing recruitment officers and learning the ropes all over again. Often, working world is when the learning REALLY begins.

I'll be interested to know where God is going to place me in for my starting career. In the meantime, this resume photo of me may look a tad geeky, but it's definitely more impressive than how I look on a daily basis.

The first essential in a boy's career is to find out what he's fitted for, what he's most capable of doing and doing with a relish. -Charles M. Schwab

Examination Results

2010-05-31T23:08:00.005+08:00

My final semester has been my worst showing since Year 1, with the final straw being a B for my Honors Thesis. An overall cap of 3.75 after S/U-ing the level 3 business module.

Well, B is actually a pretty okay grade. It only isn't when one starts comparing with the As, A-s and B+s that everyone else seemed to have scored. And being my usual self I started wondering where I went wrong. A lousy way to start a beautiful morning really. I greeted my dad with a cheerful good morning, but inside it was as if I was picking up something that had broken.

Thankfully, the turmoil didn't last long. Upon reflection, it hurts because there are still shreds of my self-identity leaning on such earthly foundations. Like a table top resting on its legs, God times each event in my life perfectly. With the agility and accuracy of a karate master, He breaks each leg neatly to show me that the table top still stands despite my anxieties.

Pastor Lawrence's sermon yesterday was another event timed to perfection. He explained this verse below:

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. -Paul (1 Cor 3:11-13)

What was my self-esteem and self-worth built on? Was it built on my looks, my intelligence, my wealth, my possessions, my talents? Or was it built on the Word of God? The Bible states clearly that it will be revealed with fire, so what was this fire? When will it come?

I didn't have to wait long. Within 24 hours, my results were announced by SMS. It wasn't really fire; maybe just a few sparks. But it was enough to show me that despite so many careful adjustments made, there were still a few strands of my self-worth based on my academic ability. The fact that I was emotionally distraught temporarily was proof enough that I'm still not there yet. But credit to God, there has indeed been some improvement. (Then again, something tells me that I am seriously nuts to even objectively analyze my own emotions in this way, as if my mind and body were machines to be taken apart and studied)

It also brings a timely reminder that every traumatic event in my life have only served as God's direction arrows telling me where to go and what to do. Because of this result, a number of options are permanently shut. Firstly, all opportunities to do Masters in Sociology have disappeared into thin air, mainly because postgraduate scholarships require a good grade for one's Honors Thesis. This removes all roads to attaining a professorship to teach the subject. Secondly, a below average score in my consultancy module has also burst the bubble of becoming a consultant to faith-based or non-profit organizations in the future by closing any opportunity to landing an entry-level job or internship in a consulting firm. It was a vision that was birthed over the last half a year. Lastly all research jobs, especially those in the government sector, have also diminished in terms of success should I apply for them, given that I did not fare well in what many of them recognize as the most important indicator of one's research ability.

With so many doors closed, it is tough to not feel disappointed. But over the past year, my prayer every night has been for God to make clear the direction for my next step in life. It wasn't an expected means of doing so, but who am I to complain? My prayer has indeed been answered. And from experience, in the most memorable way possible so I have one more testimony to give.

Today must be a special day, because on other days, He just sends in the birds to chirp at my window to tell me that He wants to talk to me. Usually, I'd just conveniently ignore Him or ask Him to wait a moment while I finish my never-ending computer game.

God loves Victor very much. +)

P.S. Then again Lord, You're making me think twice about continuing my prayer regarding my future spouse.

There are more tears shed over answered prayers than unanswered prayers. -St. Theresa of Anvil

Wine

2010-05-27T21:11:00.004+08:00

I never imagined the day would come where I will ever pick up a taste for wine.

Little could I have guessed that two weeks in New Zealand with a bunch of beautiful, crazy people and a bottle of wine almost every night could do the trick.

Give me a Gewurztraminer any evening.

Sophistication. Sweet. Splendid.

Old wine and friends improve with age. -Italian Proverb

I Need You Now

2010-05-24T00:57:00.002+08:00

Back from New Zealand! Photos and stories to be posted soon, but I'll leave you all with the song that's I heard in Seng's car on the way to an indie gig. It's currently stuck in my head.

Quarter after one. Soon. -Valentino Casanova