Gen12ii

Preparation for Gen12ii has begun, and I've just gotten my portfolio last night! I'm in charge of Special Programs with Pearlyn! Haha... I'm happy and disappointed in a way. Happy because that's where my talent and passion lies, but disappointed because I didn't get my first choice and really stretch myself for this mission trip. But it's good also. I think the Crusade staff and seniors know about some of the problems with my "outside life" and are afraid that I'll be affected by it. Well, I can protest for all I want, but I guess God knows better also. I'm not that suitable to lead a Christian team and I know it. A secular team with secular missions, hey, I think I'll suit just fine. Which I think is kinda sad in some sense. But I'll be 100% behind Xinyi all the way! I think she'll be an excellent leader. She's probably the only one who can control Jody and Suma too. =P

One more last essay to go, a 3500 word essay on Modern Japanese Religions, where I will be analyzing the social origins of New Religions. For some reason, nothing is flowing into my head now. It somehow is the hardest essay to write so far, now that my Tourism essay is complete and my Power and Deviance essays have long been settled. I'm also kinda relieved that Japanese 4 is over, I don't think I can carry on to Japanese 5. It's way too taxing on my time and energy level, and this particular module, unlike the earlier language modules, has totally drained my passion. Japanese suddenly becomes like Chinese with all the forced memorizations and emphasis on particular forms of speaking. Walker sensei has also announced her displeasure with all our mid-term grades during lecture before, and boy, it was demoralizing. What she does not know is the number of people in this batch who has Japanese language experience before but did not declare it. And now she expects so much from these "talented batch" she forgets people like myself who literally learn from scratch. Which is kind of sad really.

This is a kinda depressing post I realize. And if you look carefully, I'm trying my best to pepper it with as much joy and enthusiasm as I can, with little success. Sigh. Lots of things have been on my mind since the giving out of the portfolios last night. A tinge of enthusiasm towards the mission trip has sort of vaporized. Maybe my enthusiasm was based on the wrong things? Ironically, I wrote down in my Gen12ii handbook that what I wanted to learn from this trip was humility and the heart of a servant, and just a few minutes before the portfolios were given out. Haha... God really humbles me in ways unimaginable. That's why I hate asking Him to humble me. My ego is way too big, and it's running on air, not on any stable substance. Bursting it kinda creates a certain depression that I gotta kick myself out of. And I honestly don't know how long I can last.

I still have to lead worship and do up the youth's lesson for Sunday. Monday I've gotta hand up the religion paper and take the Japanese oral test. Sigh. I need more strength from You Lord. Help me depend on You and not myself.

Irony Amplified

Here I am with a ton of work I know I should be doing, but not doing. And I'll just keep saying that it's because I haven't started my research yet. But again, procrastination is the main problem. I'm like totally avoiding the library this semester. Maybe it's because my classes are all back to back this time. But probably it's just pure laziness to tap my card against the electronic gateway into the library. Bah.

It's ironic that I'm blogging. Not many people read this blog anyway. Not that there's nothing "juicy" about my life. I just feel there is nothing to learn from those episodes, and all to feel ashamed about. It's sad because I'm like Jonah, but I'm constantly running away despite lesson after lesson. I find my fill from this Earth, and I'm constantly thirsting for more. But again I'm too proud to ask God to fill this aching gap that has formed up within me. I've got too much to lose, too many things I don't want to forget. I want to live this life with the false assumption that I'm tough, hardy, street-smart and vicious, thanks to all the lessons I've learnt the hard way in life. But God knows that I can't fight for nuts. I'm probably a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I'll only fight if my pride is hurt, or my love ones for that matter. In that sense I'm kind of useless really. I don't want to fight a midget who can whip off my specs and kick me in the balls to truly understand this.

Sometimes I'm reminded that to be strong, one must first be weak and then God's power will fill the emptiness. But I like to rely on my own strength, head-strong as it is. I like to think that the talents that I possess are good enough to beat any man, be it academically, physically or socially where it matters most. However, I forget that these talents are bestowed by God in the first place. And where God gives more, He expects more. But I think I see many, many people around me who are given less, but have probably contributed back to the Kingdom more than I can ever imagine myself to be able to give.

In that sense I'm broken. Broken, yet unwilling to cry for help. Is my ego really so big? I think the next woman who comes along and smashes it to bits is probably the woman I'll marry. Provided I don't hate her to death for doing so. And provided she actually exist. LOL

Devastation

Utter devastation. I'm in total collapse. Why did you have to do that? Why were you so silly? Now your life will have be undergoing a totally different spin. Your plans, your future, your hopes, your dreams, now lie shattered in front of you. All it took was just one small, silly, seemingly harmless choice, a few minutes of ecstasy, a relieving of desire and a confirmation of love.

You were smart, sassy, beautiful, vocal, everything that a man could want. I know this because I know you better than anyone else. I would rather you make a mistake with anything else at all, but this. The moment you mentioned this to me, a sudden deep rift split open my inner core. An immense gravitational pull, akin to that of a black hole, just ripped apart my senses. We were so closed, and despite distancing ourselves for a short period of time, I still felt like I was part of you. And this just feels like, something is happening in me as much as it is already happening in you.

I'm disappointed. Sorely, utterly, downright disappointed. You might not think it's much of a deal, but... it will be in the future. I'll be praying for you. Honestly, I dunno what to pray for and how to go about it, but I'm sure He does.

Meaningless Words

Sometimes when I do my QT, I ponder about the "important" things that I should have done for the day. And sometimes I realized I've done nothing to add to my treasure chest in Heaven.

One can tell God "I love You" everyday, but does nothing to show it, is nothing more than a hypocrite. He's probably worse of than someone who doesn't even believe God exists. Why? Because you know, but you don't do. The Bible says that is equivalent to sinning. And if THAT'S truly the case, I'm a dead man. I mean, that probably goes to show that I sin all the time.

Adding on to the severity of the problem, as a teacher of the Word, or the head of the Teaching Ministry in the church youth group, the burden and punishment is heavier. The Bible also says that those who teach have the responsibility to ensure that what continues on is pure and right, and most importantly, of the Bible. Now a teacher who speaks but does not do, what good is it? Doesn't that double the hypocritical accusation thrown at him/her?

From many perspectives, it seems like the sins are doubled on my side. And yes, I would agree with anyone who says it is so. Does it mean there is no hope? Who would want to teach unless he/she goes into full time ministry?

I think, it only goes to show that God's grace is doubled for those "on top" as it is doubled for those "below". But the lukewarm is spat out. Ouch. No one should be in the middle.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Here's wishing everyone a blessed Chinese New Year! Hope you get loads of angbaos! Spend the money wisely yar? And dun forget to tithe some back to God during offering this Sunday! =) God bless again!

A New Hope, A New Life

It's time to revive this blog again. A new phrase of life, a new increment of trust in God despite me not being clear where I'm going. It's a time to start things all over again, the idea of single-hood, loneliness, guided by faith and comforted by my Supernatural Creator.

RJ, thanks for being one of those people who'll still come to this old, dusty blog though I do not update it often. It is just sad that most of my thoughts are too misleading to be written down here; it is a blog dedicated to Jesus after all. It's almost like I've a split personality, not wanting to be found out. The monster in me still surfaces often, too often for me to even have the strength to record the temptations that I face. No one likes to hear a Christian soldier fail in the battles he faces. And I fail so often that I'm too shameful to face my Maker and my Lord who died so that I have a chance to even win a single battle.

But I must record my battles. For those who'll drop by this blog to read, to the other weary and war-torn soldiers who are on the point of giving up, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I intend to fight to the very last drop of blood, even if my demons are countless and seem immortal. Will you fight with me? Our demons may be different, but the fountain from which we draw strength is the same. Fight with me I say, and experience the countenance and power of a God who promises never to leave us or forsake us.

I have to pray for Shijie, Gina, Yaosheng, Cindy, Huiyun, and Xiao Wei. Their situations are different, but their solutions are the same. They need God. They need love. They want to feel beautiful, desired, and clean. Prepare for miracles to happen.

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If only people trusted in God as much as they trusted in the logical, rational workings of the world.