New Year Resolutions

Exams over! FINALLY! Thanks to God for bringing me through more smoothly than I could have ever expected, despite the struggles before and during the exam period. Thanks to everyone who were just there to listen to my problems, give me advice and pray for me. But now that the exams are over... I kinda feel listless again. I want to continue praying for her, but I also risk the hurt that comes from being reminded about her every time I do so. Love. Such a dangerous weapon.

Anyway New Year resolution time! Time to get my mind off the not-so-happy stuff. (I know some of you are going to laugh your balls off after reading this, but I don't care!!)

1. Achieve Gold Standard for IPPT which will happen latest March (only problem is 2.4km run; never ever accomplished in my life)
2. Get a six pack (kinda cheating given all the weight loss over the exam period. And no Nick, I don't mean a six pack can of your whoop-ass beer). I want to look like Calvin Klein model. So there. Hmmph.
3. Get my driving license by June.
4. Learn how to whip up my favorite home-cooked dishes. I finally learned how to cook rice! Amazing!
5. Besides worship leading and guitarist and being the 3rd/4th choice bassist (LOL), learn to serve as a keyboardist for the youth worship and main service by June.
6. Keep a diary of poetry and songs, minimum 20 of each by next year end.
7. Blog at least 5 times a month so people know how I'm doing.
8. Look for lobang to sing/perform in a public space or bar with some of the youths (Hey Matt how about B&J Cathay?)
9. Start training up another youth leader/s to take over teaching ministry by 2010.
10. Tell as many friends about Jesus as possible, and bring minimum 5 to Christ/church.

Anyone got better suggestions for me? Do post them on my tagboard, and let me know if you want to join me for any of them.

Jason!! IPPT before April let's start running Gold Standard!! Andrew you can come pace us if your fitness level is still there.

Nick, Andrew, Mum, you gotta teach me how to cook steam egg and mince pork, cold tofu, potato and green apple salad, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, chinese sausage rice, and yong tau foo! Healthy food only! (NO NICK! NO EXCESS OIL AND LARD IN MY FOOD!!)

David, let's see you pump chords and tunes as fast as I pump lyrics. All the heartache needs an outlet for good use. I've yet to hear the tune for the last song I gave you mid this year!

Andrew (sorry to bother you so many times), you need to teach me how to play keyboard for worship! No point I practical grade 8 theory grade 8 but only know how to read beansprouts and not know how to play the style the church wants.

Anyone can volunteer someone in the youth to do teaching with me! Start pointing fingers please!

Richard, Yaosheng! Time to bring Christ into the lives of our primary school classmates! Let's start with the guys first, then the ladies.

Matthew Yong! Just tell the B&J Cathay people we'll be ready by March. I'll do vocals and acoustic, David on the bass (and backup if he wants), you on the drums and Andrew on the keyboard. Any other people we'll see how. Let's start practicing ASAP!!

Alright! Let's see how many I can accomplish in 2009. GO GO GO!

Satisfaction and Wanting It All

In response to Koino and Fellow Prince, although written by a girl who more or less sums up the contradiction that goes on in a girl's head, is also the contradiction that goes on in any Christian's head.


Isidora expresses her incompatible wishes in an inner monologue:

Me: Why is being alone so terrible?
Me: Because if no man loves me, I have no identity...
Me: But you know that you'd hate to have a man who possessed you totally and used up your breathing space...
Me: I know - but I yearn for it desperately.
Me: But if you had it, you'd feel trapped.
Me: I know
Me: You want contradictory things.
Me: I know.
Me: You want freedom and you also want closeness
Me: I know.

-Erica Jong-


Courtesy of the pageant queen of my NUS freshman year. And who ever said beautiful people couldn't think.

We want contradictory things. And sometimes, moral values don't seem to fall on either grounds. Let God decide? Maybe these isn't even a decision in this. Maybe living with the contradiction is the essence of the Christian life itself.

A Clean Slate

It's time to start anew. No more rubbish. Self-pity is bad, it's pride. Some earlier posts have been destroyed, never to be found again. These posts do not give glory to God, does not provide an accurate picture of who she is, and neither does it project a picture of my true identity in Christ. The big picture is out there, I just have to trust God to make all things good in His time.

So what if I cannot sleep at night? Then I shall stay awake and give praise until the sun rises.

So what if nothing I study goes into my head? Then I will chuck my books away and spend time at Jesus' feet.

So what if I go into the exam and everything I've studied just disappears from my mind? Then I shall have faith and not doubt one bit about God's providence for my results.

Please pray for me. Let my life be evidence of how God can turn this situation upside down.

P.S. Thanks for hearing me out and watching me cry Dad. Thanks for the chicken sandwich and hot milo Mum. Love you both. +)

Annabelle

My Annabelle lies on a pew in the sanctuary, forlorn, neglected, lonely. My heart goes out to her as I take slow steps towards where she is by herself. Reaching forth, I carry her in my arms, rocking her, whispering her name and words of apology for leaving her to fend for herself against this cruel world. One hand reaches for a cloth to wipe of the dust that had now covered her beautifully crafted body, and the other applies a lotion to make her once envied skin smooth and shiny again. Her graceful neck arches forward as my fingers absentmindedly run up and down her spine, and the slender curve of her being rests on my right thigh, and she gives herself in to the exploring caress. Reaching out to the back of her head, fingers delicately twisting and turning, ever so softly, she uncontrollably lets out a sigh. No, it doesn't sound too good. My fingers try once more, and now, a strong, clear voice emerges forth, bright and harmonious. This beautiful voice, oh so melodious, fills the empty sanctuary. Standing up, I feel her arms clinging to my neck, her body gently against my waist. Her love, her desire for me radiates so unmistakably. Life is so wonderful, so marvelous. Looking up at the cross, I whisper a prayer of thanks to the One who has so thoughtfully crafted her just for me with His divine wisdom and the power of His hands. A teardrop rolls down my cheek, and then down her face, as we sing songs of worship to the One who did it all, for us. Oh Annabelle, my Annabelle.

Annabelle's my guitar, my girlfriend. +)

A Cynical Heart And The Formidable Walls Around It

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I've to be strong, if only for her. I can't wallow in this misery. Self-condemnation will bring me nowhere. It makes her feel guilty, it makes me feel lousy about myself. I know that I hurt, and that's enough. I thank God that I still have emotions. The last time this happened, I told myself I'd never love again, until she came along and made loving oh so easy.

Now cynicism is poisoning my heart slowly, and the concrete walls are gradually forming around the perimeter of my heart. It's going to take a lot from me to ever fall in love again. But at least she's happy now. She has someone to love. For me, I must wait. I must be strong. I must I must I must, if only for her.

No more unhappy posts here for now. Just a story to end it all off.


There was once a small little boy, an average kid with nothing to boast about. Frail and thin, but he was happy. He loved playing soccer, and his favorite football star was Ronaldinho. Everyone in town loved Ronaldinho, especially the little boy. One day, the Brazilian team came to town to play, and the little boy managed to squeeze past all the townsfolk who were collecting autographs from Ronaldinho. But instead of asking for an autograph, he just stood in awe of the football star, speechless, unable to say anything, but very happy. The football star looked at the little boy, smiled, took off his jersey and gave it to him.

The little boy was so happy tears fell from his eyes. He treasured that jersey so much, and wore it everywhere he went. Now the townsfolk were jealous that he had their favorite superstar's jersey, and offered to buy it from him. But he refused, for the shirt just meant so much to him. One day, a few of the bullies in school decided to rip off his shirt since they couldn't have it. But he cling on to it tightly, refusing to let them snatch it. They hit him really hard, whacking and kicking him time and time again, successfully tearing a few gigantic holes in the jersey. But he refused to let go of the shirt, and finally they gave up and left.

There was the little boy lying on the floor, with sad little blue-black eyes fighting the tears as he stared at the remains of his tattered shirt. He held it close to him, hugged it, rubbed his face into it.

The next day, the townsfolk found the little boy lying behind the school compound, still hugging the tattered and torn jersey, but with a quiet yet eloquent smile on his face.


God gives everyone the gift to love. And sometimes people are jealous, sometimes circumstances make loving so difficult. Sometimes, you just want to let go of it to save yourself from the pain and the heartache, sometimes you want to give in and never love again. Can you hold on to love, even if it cost you your life? It cost Jesus His life.

Father, won't you tear down the concrete walls that are so rapidly building around my heart? Won't you heal it of the pessimism and cynicism that is poisoning it? The last time I felt this pain, it took me three years to learn how to love anyone again.

Father, don't shelve my love in a jar. Give me strength to hold on to love, even when I'm so badly crushed by the circumstances around me. Give me the courage to love again. Give me hope that I might be loved one day again. Please.

Smile, silly. Smile. Victor's not going to do silly things for you again. He's going to be happy because he wants you to be happy. And remember, he has never gone back on his word to you before. He's happy. And he'll still be there before the next teardrop falls. =")

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

If he brings you happiness
Then i wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

Si te quire de verdad
Y te da felicidad
Te deseo lo mas bueno pa'los dos
Pero si te hace llorar
A mime puedes hablar
Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cried

And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

She Did What She Could

The entire picture just fell into place today. I slept really late last night, because I was "lecturing" or "rambling" with that special someone about what love was. As if I really knew what love was better than she did. And to think I thought I spoke with such logic the night before I couldn't possibly be THAT wrong about love. It never occurred to me till the next day, when so many things happened at once, that is seemed as if God wanted to slap the facts right in my face.


Firstly, and most importantly, my entire situation now may be a mess, but the fact is I HAD ASKED FOR IT. Weird? Maybe. Until I recalled this today. I remembered asking my Crusade disciples to pick one of the fruits of the Spirit to learn throughout this semester. Shane picked joy. Minghan picked patience. Kee Onn picked self-control. Samuel picked faithfulness. I had picked love. That's right. LOVE. And this semester is not over yet. In some ways this is my most beautiful semester. It had been a "lesson in love"(ironic that the song by Level 42 is being blasted from Nick's lappy from the room right now) right from the very first week, from the first Life Meeting. I had asked God to teach me about love, that is Himself, the greatest thing as according to the Bible. I had challenged God to bring the lessons on, into my stable, unaffected life, and do as He will. I had dared God to make it tough, to be a lesson that I would never forget. And now that I've gone through this rollercoaster ride and learned so so much from this, I have nothing else but to give all praise to Him.


Secondly, I don't usually write up what I learn from sermon in church, but this one hit so hard I just had to post it. It's entitled "She Did What She Could" by Eric Chong. It's about the woman who poured expensive perfume over Jesus. Though the word "love" was not always mentioned during the sermon, it brought a strong meaning of "what is it like to truly love someone" throughout. The details are as follows.

1. We should give what we can with what we have.
Many times we tend to brood over what we don't have and thus what we cannot offer someone whom we love. I know I did. The real question is: Have I done absolutely everything I can to love Jesus, that special someone, or anyone in my life that I claim to love for that matter, with everything God has given me? Moreover, the reaction of the receiver must be secondary. The woman knew that she could be kicked or stoned for coming this close to a man, and that Jesus had every right to push her away and demand her out of the room. But that was probably the least on her mind. All she wanted to do was to show her love, regardless whether it was rejected or not. Can I love knowing that I gave my all simply because I wanted to?

2. We should do what we can despite criticism.
All of us love compliments. I know I do. That's an obvious sign of someone whose love language is that of words of affirmation. Criticism, however, hits the other way. As much as compliments have an effect, so does criticism. In life, we might get mocked for our time and effort to love someone, much more so when there is nothing in return or when people judge that the effort could have been channelled somewhere else for better uses. It could even be logical and rational (Judas even did the math!). But love is totally irrational and illogical in that sense. The question now is: Can I continue to love after all the criticism, my hardest critics being my pride and my commonsense?

3. We should do what we can for Jesus, and not for ourselves.
When we love, sometimes nothing can come between us. Not even Jesus Himself. That's when things go wrong. Romantic love, especially that between Christians, easily takes everything and everyone out of perspective so that they are the only two people remaining. When God is not inside, He will not bless the relationship. When we are to love, we are to love not only without a reason of self-gain, but for God's glory, because Jesus deserves it. The question to me now is: Does my love reflect His glory? Even if love is a two-way communication, did I ensure on my part that God was glorified through my actions towards the people whom I love?


Lastly, I must thank Fellow Prince. Yup, the guy who posts on my tagboard on the left (I finally confirmed who he was). We had a good talk after lunch about what love was, and despite him being a much younger Christian and a person who has never actually been in a relationship, his words had so much wisdom and his questions of vital importance. His encouragement came like a breath of fresh air, and I was thoroughly revitalized. I learnt so much during our conversation, it would be impossible to list them all on this blog. Moreover, it confirmed so many things that have been going through my mind, and my struggles with God. He said this, "Victor, you have been using your own understanding to define love, and it is not going to be possible unless you ask God for understanding." Just one of the hundred lines which made an impact on me. Yup, I have not been asking God to give me wisdom and understanding to see this entire conflict from His perspective. It's one of the things that he prayed for me about before he left. Oh, and he gave me a letter that he spent the night writing. I couldn't help but shed a few tears upon reading the touching words of encouragement inside. In many ways we share similar viewpoints about love, and how we began off as hormone raging boys with low self-esteems to men who are learning to rely on God for our self-worth and trusting Him daily for everything that we have, even the Christian girl who will eventually choose to spend the rest of her life with us. Thank you my friend. I really hope that our friendship will continue to grow stronger as time goes by.


As for the rest of you reading this, there will come a time (or maybe it's already been done) when these questions are going to be so vital to how God teaches you what love truly is. I pray that it would be useful the next time you fall in love yourself. +)