Avatar

You know that a movie has struck a chord in the human soul when newspapers begin reporting a huge spike in depression numbers all over the world after it has been screened.

And I was right to avoid watching that movie in 3D when it was the top dog in the theater. And I somehow managed to find the willpower to resist it in on 4 plane rides over a period of 4 months. But all walls broke down on a bus ride back to Singapore for Kuala Lumpur. I decided that the psychological effect would be lesser with a sub-par sound system and a lousy screen, in addition to the expected stomach-churning bumpy ride.

I underestimated the power of my own imagination to bring 2D to life.



It didn't take much to push myself right to the brink of psychological breakdown in order to understand this phenomenon. Avatar was simply a reminder to people of a longing human beings were divinely created with.

That we belong to a home far more beautiful than our world will ever be, technology, human imagination and all.

That our freedom lies in a body and a name that we are yet to receive, and that our present condition is nothing but a weak prototype of the real deal.

That we were created to give our allegiance and fight for something grander than ourselves, namely a future.

That each one of us was born to be a hero, to be acknowledge as a prince/princess, and to be given a esteemed position destined for, yet fought for at the same time.

The beauty of the movie, really, is the fact that as a viewer you know deep down in your heart that the Navines were going to win. It would have been an extremely depressing movie should the humans have won. Viewers would have walked away feeling cheated of their feelings, and the ratings would have remained below the seabed. But as all good movies, the bad guys received their just desserts and the good guys became glorious victors.


It so happened that by divine arrangement I had a thorough read-through of the first three-quarters of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity at my grandmother's place a day before watching the movie. Succinctly, he summarized the beauty of everything Christianity was about. Let me re-frame it in the context of this post.

That eventually, the good guys are going to win. That their King is coming back one day to destroy this fallen world and resurrect the Tree of Life which belongs at the center of the planet. That they will have new bodies with abilities beyond the human imagination, with special names given only to members of the Royal Family. That they will be crowned as heroes, predestined from the beginning yet having fought for their right without that knowledge. That forever will be spent gazing towards a Central Destination where their energies are focused without obstruction and love will abound in the air and in the core of every relationship. Death and destruction will be stories of the past, exploration and adventure in the environment will be a hobby without limits, and time will be a dimension left on paper.

You really can't blame people for wishing they were in Pandora to the point depression overcomes their sensibilities. Christians have every right to have their heads in the clouds with their absurd levels of faith in such dreams.

The irony however, is that the most devout Christians were also the biggest contributors to the world. Their rhetoric was clearly embedded in other-worldly fantasies, their actions based on a credit-accumulation system with an interest rate that was out of this world, their time spent on pleasing a Spiritual Being that cannot be scientifically proven and seen, and their bodies worked to death as if it was nothing more than an avatar.

It is with such a level of absurdity that I'm hoping my life would undertake.

To know and live out the fact that I am created to be nothing less than a hero fighting under the flag of a King whose victory has already been predestined.





If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -C.S Lewis

Stepping into the Working World

Grad trip over, time for the ritualistic job search with the duty of customizing and sending resumes, impressing recruitment officers and learning the ropes all over again. Often, working world is when the learning REALLY begins.

I'll be interested to know where God is going to place me in for my starting career. In the meantime, this resume photo of me may look a tad geeky, but it's definitely more impressive than how I look on a daily basis.



The first essential in a boy's career is to find out what he's fitted for, what he's most capable of doing and doing with a relish. -Charles M. Schwab

Examination Results

My final semester has been my worst showing since Year 1, with the final straw being a B for my Honors Thesis. An overall cap of 3.75 after S/U-ing the level 3 business module.

Well, B is actually a pretty okay grade. It only isn't when one starts comparing with the As, A-s and B+s that everyone else seemed to have scored. And being my usual self I started wondering where I went wrong. A lousy way to start a beautiful morning really. I greeted my dad with a cheerful good morning, but inside it was as if I was picking up something that had broken.

Thankfully, the turmoil didn't last long. Upon reflection, it hurts because there are still shreds of my self-identity leaning on such earthly foundations. Like a table top resting on its legs, God times each event in my life perfectly. With the agility and accuracy of a karate master, He breaks each leg neatly to show me that the table top still stands despite my anxieties.

Pastor Lawrence's sermon yesterday was another event timed to perfection. He explained this verse below:

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. -Paul (1 Cor 3:11-13)

What was my self-esteem and self-worth built on? Was it built on my looks, my intelligence, my wealth, my possessions, my talents? Or was it built on the Word of God? The Bible states clearly that it will be revealed with fire, so what was this fire? When will it come?

I didn't have to wait long. Within 24 hours, my results were announced by SMS. It wasn't really fire; maybe just a few sparks. But it was enough to show me that despite so many careful adjustments made, there were still a few strands of my self-worth based on my academic ability. The fact that I was emotionally distraught temporarily was proof enough that I'm still not there yet. But credit to God, there has indeed been some improvement. (Then again, something tells me that I am seriously nuts to even objectively analyze my own emotions in this way, as if my mind and body were machines to be taken apart and studied)



It also brings a timely reminder that every traumatic event in my life have only served as God's direction arrows telling me where to go and what to do. Because of this result, a number of options are permanently shut. Firstly, all opportunities to do Masters in Sociology have disappeared into thin air, mainly because postgraduate scholarships require a good grade for one's Honors Thesis. This removes all roads to attaining a professorship to teach the subject. Secondly, a below average score in my consultancy module has also burst the bubble of becoming a consultant to faith-based or non-profit organizations in the future by closing any opportunity to landing an entry-level job or internship in a consulting firm. It was a vision that was birthed over the last half a year. Lastly all research jobs, especially those in the government sector, have also diminished in terms of success should I apply for them, given that I did not fare well in what many of them recognize as the most important indicator of one's research ability.

With so many doors closed, it is tough to not feel disappointed. But over the past year, my prayer every night has been for God to make clear the direction for my next step in life. It wasn't an expected means of doing so, but who am I to complain? My prayer has indeed been answered. And from experience, in the most memorable way possible so I have one more testimony to give.



Today must be a special day, because on other days, He just sends in the birds to chirp at my window to tell me that He wants to talk to me. Usually, I'd just conveniently ignore Him or ask Him to wait a moment while I finish my never-ending computer game.



God loves Victor very much. +)





P.S. Then again Lord, You're making me think twice about continuing my prayer regarding my future spouse.








There are more tears shed over answered prayers than unanswered prayers. -St. Theresa of Anvil

Wine

I never imagined the day would come where I will ever pick up a taste for wine.

Little could I have guessed that two weeks in New Zealand with a bunch of beautiful, crazy people and a bottle of wine almost every night could do the trick.

Give me a Gewurztraminer any evening.


Sophistication. Sweet. Splendid.




Old wine and friends improve with age. -Italian Proverb

I Need You Now

Back from New Zealand! Photos and stories to be posted soon, but I'll leave you all with the song that's I heard in Seng's car on the way to an indie gig. It's currently stuck in my head.







Quarter after one. Soon. -Valentino Casanova

Words that Shape Your Life

The fellow who said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" must have been born blind and deaf.


After much pre-examination drift-offs, I've come to the conclusion that the way we lead our lives is largely decided on what people have said to us and our reactions to them while we were growing old. Strangely, we might not even remember most of what was said, nor might they even have been true! But reflect a little on your life, and write down those few sentences that someone might have said along the way. Just so to give you a little thought-boost, here are a few that I've collated over the examination period.



"You have no idea what it is like to be poor. So stop thinking that you know everything, because you don't."
-Primary school classmate, who eventually dropped out of school


"You're so immature you can't even tell when your family finances are in trouble. And your parents love you too much to tell you in the face, so I'll do it. You're a SPOILT BRAT."
-Stranger, told to me when my dad lost his job when I was in secondary school and I was considering about asking him to buy me a cell phone so I could be like the rest of my classmates


"You're fat and ugly. Period. Girls don't go for fat and ugly guys, so... tough luck. Unless you don't mind _______ (name of a moderately overweight, acne-filled mutual female friend). HAHA! But... I don't know how come you can write such fantastic love letters. Say, why don't I pay you a dollar for every letter you write for me to her?"
-A rich playboy from my secondary school (FYI: I earned a lot of pocket money and friendships from doing that)


"Seriously, I don't get your Christian-nonsense. You think you're high and mighty, making such comments. Stop manipulating people with your bullshit. You're a manipulator, that's what you are. Don't think I cannot see through your religious facade. I hope they kick you out."
-Ex-Christian course mate during OCS, after hearing me speak about how I believed God was putting me in persecution under my superiors to build up my dependence on Him


"You're not as good as him, and you'll never be. He's a DSTA scholar on his way to Imperial, more handsome than you, and his family lives in a huge bungalow. He has his own car to send me home, so I don't get those dizzy spells on the bus. He also has a Grade 8 in piano, and you know how much I adore piano music. I always had a crush on him since JC, and now he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. He can provide me with everything that I need. And please, stop telling me that you love me, you're just hurting me by trying to manipulate my feelings."
-Someone I loved


"As a sociology student, you should know this better than me. The first two minutes of your introduction determines that person's impression of you for the next twenty years. The same goes for women. They're not going to be able to find out that you're smart, romantic, can sing, can write blah blah. You want to make an impression? Get an expensive watch, hold your car keys in your hand and dress branded. It works. Every time. And I'm not even as good looking as you!"
-Ex-classmate, during a class gathering in a bar last year




Sometimes, when I think back about all these comments that shattered inner expectations, and some literally breaking my heart when I heard them, I do understand that some of them were made during moments of deep emotions, periods when any human being can say hurtful things, whether true or not. But God always has a way of making such hurtful things turn into instruments for good, some of them in retrospect after more than a decade.

If no one told me I was spoilt, maybe I would never have cultivated a spirit of stewardship and thanksgiving for everything that I had.

If no one had told me that I will never understand how the poor feel, maybe I would have just supported the current system of meritocracy without ever bothering to care about the marginalized during my lifetime.

If no one had told me that I was not attractive to girls, I wouldn't have picked up all the little skills that I have now to win a girl's heart.

If no one had accused me of manipulating others with religion, I wouldn't have developed extra caution in picking the right words and timing to bless others with.

If no one had told me that I'm not good enough, I might not have continued to be so driven towards self-improvement at an admittedly, insane, pace and desire for perfection.

If no one had told me his opinion on what he defines as the apparent materialism of women, I wouldn't be so sensitive to concealing my wealth when picking a future mate.




I strongly believe that some people, not all, thrive on "you're not good enough" rhetoric. After all, I'm one of them. Some of the friends whom God have blessed me with have become my best buddies because they tell me plainly where I need to improve on. Takes both knowing me well and a lot of gumption to do that, I realize.


Then again, it is also true that I don't believe a word of "you're special and unique", at least when directly spoken to me. Not even "you're special and unique in God's eyes". Hypocritically, I have encouraged many using that phrase, but nothing of it sinks into my psyche.







Because I refuse to let it do so.








You're special and unique. Just like everyone else. -Demotivators

Said I Loved You But I Lied

I don't like to admit it, but I really love the songs from the 80s. It's not something you say to girls to get them interested, from experience most of them just shrug you off as cheesy and old-fashioned. Well, although Michael Bolton is famous for singing other people's songs, I'll give it to him for his voice quality. I tend to sound like him during "English-songs-only" karaoke. Nonetheless, it's impossible not to love a song like this.

You are the candle, love's the flame
A fire that burns through wind and rain
Shine your light on this heart of mine
Till the end of time
You came to me like the dawn through the night
Just shinin' like the sun
Out of my dreams and into my life
You are the one, you are the one

Said I loved you but I lied
'Cause this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you but I was wrong
'Cause love could never ever feel so strong
Said I loved you but I lied

With all my soul I've tried in vain
How can mere words my heart explain
This taste of heaven so deep so true
I've found in you
So many reasons in so many ways
My life has just begun
Need you forever, I need you to stay
You are the one, you are the one

You came to me like the dawn through the night
Just shinin' like the sun
Out of my dreams and into my life
You are the one, you are the one

Said I loved you
But this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you....But I lied

I don't know if there is anything more than love, but I know for sure that I miss being in it. -Valentino Casanova