Amongst the Beautiful and the Afflicted in this world, I can only admit that I just one of the Afflicted. Beauty has always awed me, stunned me, shocked me, even bringing tears to my eyes. How shall I describe the amazing encounted with Beauty?
Can you recall the last time you came across one of the Beauties? A Beauty need not be a girl, unlike the fairy tales of the old. A Beauty can be a man, a creature, a scenery or even a god. Beauty is also seen in two main ways.
Firstly, Beauty can be viewed in the perspective of the Physical. This is the outer skin, the layer of creation as seen by the eye, the kind that produces almost immediate reaction by those who have sight.
Secondly, Beauty can also be viewed in the perspective of the Heart. This is what is known to mankind as "Inner Beauty", a phrase tossed about like lettuce in a salad mix. Visually, it isn't stunning, nor is its effects immediate. The eyes are biased against it, many times mocking it for the lack of "earthly beauty". There are only a small number who can see this class of Beauty more often, and they are the wise, the humble and the blind. For such discerning ability requires the Sight of the Divine, which allows one to get a glimpse of another creation's Soul.
I cannot say that I have such ability. Many times, I have chosen the physical over the heart when it comes to a choice between both Beauties. What about you? Do you possess Divine Sight, or do you long for it?
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
A General and a Prince
I'm a prince. Really. Hands up who's reading who doesn't believe. What?! So many hands... Well, you can be a prince too, you know...
And what's more, I'm a prince of the most powerful, most loving King in the entire Universe. And I'm not joking! He has the most beautiful palace in a paradise He created Himself called Heaven, and I've got my own palace there too... He has prepared a glorious, shimmering white gown for me that no other prince on this Earth can boast of, and I've got countless jewels all over my lovely home. Each jewel has it's own name and a person's face, a face of another prince or princess whose palace is somewhere in Heaven too.
I'm an imperial general too. However, I don't have armoured tanks or infantry with spears and guns under me. I have something much more powerful actually. Under my command are these winged creatures that resemble something like that of a human, but with gigantic wings, each holding a flaming sword bestowed to him personally by my Father the King Himself. My own weapon is many times more powerful. It cuts through the body, mind, spirit and even the soul. It's power comes from the Father Himself, like a lightsabre in Starwars. This weapon makes even the Devil tremble! Holding a banner representing my Father, my birthright and my position in Heaven, I will go to war with the Devil and his minions, and I will surely be victorious for the Father will be watching over me. All glory be to His name!
A prince and a general! Now isn't that a grand thought! And it's not something I'm gonna be, it's a position I already have. Right now as I speak, I'm performing my duties with great joy already. If I use my human eyes to view the people on this Earth, they would look something like what you might see normally everyday. However, if you were to look at the world through the eyes of the Father, you might see things in a whole new perspective. People who looked poor in terms of material wealth can be extremely rich in terms of spiritual wealth that only the Father can bestow. People who look frail and under-nutritioned can actually be extremely powerful and well-endowed in the eyes of the Father, doing great works and conquering demons and their armies daily.
And guess what? The only opinion that matters is the Father's opinion.
For it is the Father who will decide our fate, and our welfare for the rest of eternity. He is the King and no other will override His promises. He gives wisdom and blessings in His own time, and does things that many would think is unfair, but is actually the wisest decision. We might not see it until we review our lives again, but those who fear the Lord will have faith and trust in Him, and He shall not withhold blessing to a faithful child.
Are you a general or a prince yet? Maybe you're not. Worse still, maybe you are, but you refuse to acknowledge it! Think about it readers. It's time to go to war.
For Jesus!
*Puts on my armor, my robe, grabs my sword and rushes out, of the Father's palace into this world to war, uttering a shout of victory even before the battle begins. A ray of light encompasses me as my steely sword slews enemy after enemy, each and everyone cracking beneath the Word of God.*
And what's more, I'm a prince of the most powerful, most loving King in the entire Universe. And I'm not joking! He has the most beautiful palace in a paradise He created Himself called Heaven, and I've got my own palace there too... He has prepared a glorious, shimmering white gown for me that no other prince on this Earth can boast of, and I've got countless jewels all over my lovely home. Each jewel has it's own name and a person's face, a face of another prince or princess whose palace is somewhere in Heaven too.
I'm an imperial general too. However, I don't have armoured tanks or infantry with spears and guns under me. I have something much more powerful actually. Under my command are these winged creatures that resemble something like that of a human, but with gigantic wings, each holding a flaming sword bestowed to him personally by my Father the King Himself. My own weapon is many times more powerful. It cuts through the body, mind, spirit and even the soul. It's power comes from the Father Himself, like a lightsabre in Starwars. This weapon makes even the Devil tremble! Holding a banner representing my Father, my birthright and my position in Heaven, I will go to war with the Devil and his minions, and I will surely be victorious for the Father will be watching over me. All glory be to His name!
A prince and a general! Now isn't that a grand thought! And it's not something I'm gonna be, it's a position I already have. Right now as I speak, I'm performing my duties with great joy already. If I use my human eyes to view the people on this Earth, they would look something like what you might see normally everyday. However, if you were to look at the world through the eyes of the Father, you might see things in a whole new perspective. People who looked poor in terms of material wealth can be extremely rich in terms of spiritual wealth that only the Father can bestow. People who look frail and under-nutritioned can actually be extremely powerful and well-endowed in the eyes of the Father, doing great works and conquering demons and their armies daily.
And guess what? The only opinion that matters is the Father's opinion.
For it is the Father who will decide our fate, and our welfare for the rest of eternity. He is the King and no other will override His promises. He gives wisdom and blessings in His own time, and does things that many would think is unfair, but is actually the wisest decision. We might not see it until we review our lives again, but those who fear the Lord will have faith and trust in Him, and He shall not withhold blessing to a faithful child.
Are you a general or a prince yet? Maybe you're not. Worse still, maybe you are, but you refuse to acknowledge it! Think about it readers. It's time to go to war.
For Jesus!
*Puts on my armor, my robe, grabs my sword and rushes out, of the Father's palace into this world to war, uttering a shout of victory even before the battle begins. A ray of light encompasses me as my steely sword slews enemy after enemy, each and everyone cracking beneath the Word of God.*
Monday, May 09, 2005
Having Tea with God
Here I am in my office again. It's late at night, and I don't usually stay in, but I have to this time because I'll be moving out early with the NSmen for their preparation shoot for range. Can't complain though, I'm blessed to be able to stay out already...
My handphone is buzzing again. I glance at the message. It's G. My precious little G. I'm wondering why I call her "my precious" when she's not even mine yet. Hmmm... Sometimes it can feel so much like she's mine even though we haven't heard a confirmation from God yet.
I realize that I'm not talking to God so often anymore. Sometimes I wonder, if a person communicates with God really closely, would he or she have to write a blog? There would be no need what... Our conversations with the Most High is imprinted with the purest gold somewhere in Heaven and not by micromolecules on a computer screen... Then why do people do it still?
I believe in all of us there lies an urge to share our feelings with someone special to us, or with alot of people. You want a special someone to read your blog. Or maybe you want the bully in class to know how you feel. Or maybe blogging gives you a chance to express your feelings to someone out there who will just quietly listen to your emotions, the outpouring of your heart, and who will understand perfectly whatever you're going through.
Ever wondered who that special someone is? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that someone is Jesus. Alot of people treat prayer as a ritual, some going to extremes such as lighting of candles, prostration on the ground, or even cutting one's own skin to draw blood. All these actions are done with the hope that the higher being he or she is praying to will listen, and that their actions will be seen as sincerity.
I can't think of another religion in which the Supreme Being invites you a tea with Him, or Who is there whenever you need Him, no matter how good or bad you've been the entire day. Or Someone who promises you a place in Heaven, or Someone who promises His love which is higher, greater and purer than any other. Agape love. Wow.
Prayer to the True Supreme Being does not require candles, prostration of the drawing of blood. It does not require a proper format of words, just your true feelings. It just requires your sincerity and innocence, with the addition of faith in the fact that He is listening and in control of the future. It's a simple conversation that can take place anywhere, anytime, anyhow. It can be said in your heart, in a whisper, or even out loud! God wants to hear how you feel. Realize that I said God wants to "hear", because He already knows how we feel.
One friend told me that prayer is giving God to license to work miracles in our lives. It isn't a demand that God MUST meet, it's just an act of releasing all dependancy on ourselves onto God. And He'll willingly do it for you, because He already advised us to give all our burdens to Him. ALL. But sometimes we just like to hold on to those things that build up our status to where we are today. We think that we deserve it becase we work hard for it. That's incorrect. We have it because God gave it to us, and we are to use it for His glory and purpose. If not, He might just take it away to teach us a lesson.
Aiyo, I'm beginning to sound like I know God very well like that. Honestly, whatever I know is from the Bible and that alone. And that's quite alot already. But I firmly believe whatever God wants to tell us about Himself, is already in the Bible.
The Bible is God's Autobiography, read it!
My handphone is buzzing again. I glance at the message. It's G. My precious little G. I'm wondering why I call her "my precious" when she's not even mine yet. Hmmm... Sometimes it can feel so much like she's mine even though we haven't heard a confirmation from God yet.
I realize that I'm not talking to God so often anymore. Sometimes I wonder, if a person communicates with God really closely, would he or she have to write a blog? There would be no need what... Our conversations with the Most High is imprinted with the purest gold somewhere in Heaven and not by micromolecules on a computer screen... Then why do people do it still?
I believe in all of us there lies an urge to share our feelings with someone special to us, or with alot of people. You want a special someone to read your blog. Or maybe you want the bully in class to know how you feel. Or maybe blogging gives you a chance to express your feelings to someone out there who will just quietly listen to your emotions, the outpouring of your heart, and who will understand perfectly whatever you're going through.
Ever wondered who that special someone is? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that someone is Jesus. Alot of people treat prayer as a ritual, some going to extremes such as lighting of candles, prostration on the ground, or even cutting one's own skin to draw blood. All these actions are done with the hope that the higher being he or she is praying to will listen, and that their actions will be seen as sincerity.
I can't think of another religion in which the Supreme Being invites you a tea with Him, or Who is there whenever you need Him, no matter how good or bad you've been the entire day. Or Someone who promises you a place in Heaven, or Someone who promises His love which is higher, greater and purer than any other. Agape love. Wow.
Prayer to the True Supreme Being does not require candles, prostration of the drawing of blood. It does not require a proper format of words, just your true feelings. It just requires your sincerity and innocence, with the addition of faith in the fact that He is listening and in control of the future. It's a simple conversation that can take place anywhere, anytime, anyhow. It can be said in your heart, in a whisper, or even out loud! God wants to hear how you feel. Realize that I said God wants to "hear", because He already knows how we feel.
One friend told me that prayer is giving God to license to work miracles in our lives. It isn't a demand that God MUST meet, it's just an act of releasing all dependancy on ourselves onto God. And He'll willingly do it for you, because He already advised us to give all our burdens to Him. ALL. But sometimes we just like to hold on to those things that build up our status to where we are today. We think that we deserve it becase we work hard for it. That's incorrect. We have it because God gave it to us, and we are to use it for His glory and purpose. If not, He might just take it away to teach us a lesson.
Aiyo, I'm beginning to sound like I know God very well like that. Honestly, whatever I know is from the Bible and that alone. And that's quite alot already. But I firmly believe whatever God wants to tell us about Himself, is already in the Bible.
The Bible is God's Autobiography, read it!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
The Race of Life
Recently during sermons, Pastor Stephen has been emphasizing about bringing out Christ to the world through one's actions. Alot of people have the mindset that evangelism means proclaiming the Gospel to everyone around you, or inviting everyone to church with the hope that the pastor's sermon would be a little it more interesting that Sunday. Alot of people also believe that being a missionary involves going to the deep, forgotten jungles of the earth, meeting a cannibal tribe, learning their language and then teaching them about the Savior named Jesus.
Is that all to it? If you think so, then I'm afraid you're very wrong.
Many people don't have the opportunity to go overseas, into jungle areas or even meet a cannibal tribe. Many people don't even have the courage to tell their family members about Christ . Then how come evangelism is something that God wants us all to do? Pastor Stephen puts it very plainly.
IT'S SHOWN IN THE WAY YOU LIVE.
Now, some of you might have heard this before. I'm not here to expound on what Pastor had just said. I'm here to bring up a dilemna that I'm facing, and that some of you people out there might just be facing.
How do you bring your friends and family members to Christ if you haven't been living in a Christ-like manner all your life?
Take me for example. When I was in Zhangde Primary School, I was a loud-mouthed, arrogant, vulgar little brat who enjoyed behaving like a gangster-wannabe. At 173cm in Primary 6, I was taller and heavier than every single one of my teachers and classmates, and with it came a little charisma when it came to talking with other guys. I also behaved bullishly and childishly, and recalling the memories can spark a little regret in my heart.
Now I have 2 best friends, Richard Yew and Huang Yaosheng, who also came from that class of Primary 6. Through God's grace, I have managed to keep in contact with them through the teenage years, and was even given the opportunity to bring them to my church. Eveleen, now Richard's sweetheart, has also accepted Jesus into her life, and I'm really happy for her. Praise be to God!
With these 2 ex-classmates coming to Christ, I have a desire to bring more people from this ex-primary 6 class to church. I have the added advantage of having Richard and Yaosheng to pull strings and encourage them, but through meetings, they still have roughly the same impressions of we three hooligans from the past. It's hard to convince someone to come to church when last time you kept talking dirty things and teasing the girls all day.
Anyone can identify with that? Anyway, I always believe that nothing is impossible for God, and therefore my faith in His power is unshakable. I'm planning to ask my aunt (my father's older sister actually) to join my grandmother for the Chinese Service at 11 o'clock this Sunday. It's Mothers' Day, and I was hoping to ask them (she and her husband) out to church with a pretext of a lunch treat after that. Haha.. Will be calling her later tonight, she didn't pick up my earlier call. I'm sure God has His hand on the end result, however He does it. I'm just His instrument, and I'm very proud of the job too. Can't wait to see my relatives coming to church on a regular basis. So far it's been grandma only, and God has blessed her richly with wonderful health, and G, who always takes so good care of her. That's one of the many many reasons I fell in love with G.
Anyway, though it's not written in the Bible, I enjoy imagining myself as a Commanding Officer of an entire Angel Battalion, in which God is the King of Heaven's Army. Haha... Reasonable what, given the fact that He has (without a trace of regret!) acknowledged me as His son. Jesus Himself said that we will see and do even greater miracles than He Himself has performed during His time on Earth, and I must say they are terribly remarkable already.
God can do anything. I am His champion, and you can be His champion too. In fact, if you're reading this and you've already accepted Christ, God has already prepared whatever you need, sword, shield, armor, you name it He's got it. But He'll never force you to put it on. You'll have to put it on youself. That's the only clause in this agreement. God never forces anyone to do things against his will. He just promises that everything we Christians do will 100% have good results, if we would only consult Him first.
I'm a champion, young and fearless, with still a long way to go before I utter the words of the apostle Paul who has fought the good fight and finished the race of Life. Will you accompany me?
Is that all to it? If you think so, then I'm afraid you're very wrong.
Many people don't have the opportunity to go overseas, into jungle areas or even meet a cannibal tribe. Many people don't even have the courage to tell their family members about Christ . Then how come evangelism is something that God wants us all to do? Pastor Stephen puts it very plainly.
IT'S SHOWN IN THE WAY YOU LIVE.
Now, some of you might have heard this before. I'm not here to expound on what Pastor had just said. I'm here to bring up a dilemna that I'm facing, and that some of you people out there might just be facing.
How do you bring your friends and family members to Christ if you haven't been living in a Christ-like manner all your life?
Take me for example. When I was in Zhangde Primary School, I was a loud-mouthed, arrogant, vulgar little brat who enjoyed behaving like a gangster-wannabe. At 173cm in Primary 6, I was taller and heavier than every single one of my teachers and classmates, and with it came a little charisma when it came to talking with other guys. I also behaved bullishly and childishly, and recalling the memories can spark a little regret in my heart.
Now I have 2 best friends, Richard Yew and Huang Yaosheng, who also came from that class of Primary 6. Through God's grace, I have managed to keep in contact with them through the teenage years, and was even given the opportunity to bring them to my church. Eveleen, now Richard's sweetheart, has also accepted Jesus into her life, and I'm really happy for her. Praise be to God!
With these 2 ex-classmates coming to Christ, I have a desire to bring more people from this ex-primary 6 class to church. I have the added advantage of having Richard and Yaosheng to pull strings and encourage them, but through meetings, they still have roughly the same impressions of we three hooligans from the past. It's hard to convince someone to come to church when last time you kept talking dirty things and teasing the girls all day.
Anyone can identify with that? Anyway, I always believe that nothing is impossible for God, and therefore my faith in His power is unshakable. I'm planning to ask my aunt (my father's older sister actually) to join my grandmother for the Chinese Service at 11 o'clock this Sunday. It's Mothers' Day, and I was hoping to ask them (she and her husband) out to church with a pretext of a lunch treat after that. Haha.. Will be calling her later tonight, she didn't pick up my earlier call. I'm sure God has His hand on the end result, however He does it. I'm just His instrument, and I'm very proud of the job too. Can't wait to see my relatives coming to church on a regular basis. So far it's been grandma only, and God has blessed her richly with wonderful health, and G, who always takes so good care of her. That's one of the many many reasons I fell in love with G.
Anyway, though it's not written in the Bible, I enjoy imagining myself as a Commanding Officer of an entire Angel Battalion, in which God is the King of Heaven's Army. Haha... Reasonable what, given the fact that He has (without a trace of regret!) acknowledged me as His son. Jesus Himself said that we will see and do even greater miracles than He Himself has performed during His time on Earth, and I must say they are terribly remarkable already.
God can do anything. I am His champion, and you can be His champion too. In fact, if you're reading this and you've already accepted Christ, God has already prepared whatever you need, sword, shield, armor, you name it He's got it. But He'll never force you to put it on. You'll have to put it on youself. That's the only clause in this agreement. God never forces anyone to do things against his will. He just promises that everything we Christians do will 100% have good results, if we would only consult Him first.
I'm a champion, young and fearless, with still a long way to go before I utter the words of the apostle Paul who has fought the good fight and finished the race of Life. Will you accompany me?
Thursday, April 28, 2005
God Decides Everything
It's been a long time since I last blogged. I've started to realize that I blog only when I'm sad or feeling lonely. It's a little like prayer ain't it? You only turn to God when you're sad or feeling down, but other times when you are busy or feeling happy, you become unaware of His presence anymore.
But sometimes I must admit that blogging is pretty tiring. But it's all about starting to type those few first paragraphs, then everything will pour out. That's why you readers might see that though I don't blog often, each one is pretty long...
Yes, I have been busy, and yes I have been really happy the past few days while my blog has been silent. And yes, your're right again if you think I'm sad right now. Not exactly sad, just a mixture of feelings. And you're scored full marks if you guessed that the cause of it all is a girl.
Why is it that girls have a way of tugging a guy's heartstrings all the time? Okay, admittedly there are differences in the degree to how hard they pull, but I'll be lying if I say that such strings don't exist.
Her name is G. What do you want to know about her? Hmmmm... How we first met? My earlier blogs might have traces of loneliness scribbled all over them, and I had been praying very hard for God to relieve this hollow feelings that has been plaguing me since Grace left my life. And one day, I just noticed her in church. It was like BOOM! It just hit me.
It was not loved at first sight. When I noticed her, it was her 2nd time to the church and the youth group already. The first week I just said hi, chatted a bit with her, but never took notice of anything special about her at all. Then on the 2nd week she came, I noticed her talking to my grandma in Cantonese. She was both smiling at me and entertaining the old lady while I carried out the usual routine of bringing snacks for her after the main service. I realized that she was beautiful, and had a mesmerizing smile that I didn't notice the week before. Then one of the youth jokingly commented that my grandma had just matchmaked the both of us. It was a really embarrassing moment for the both myself and G, but we took it with a pinch of salt, and carried on what we were doing.
But I had to have her number. She was a newcomer after all, and newcomers don't usually stay in the youth group for very long. I could use the pretext of getting to know her better and keep in contact. No one would suspect anything. Or so I thought. But there were people watching and some of them believed that I have broken out of my shell at last.
I kept her number in my phone, but didn't sms her till the later half of next week. We chatted amicably, but there was a kind of closeness in the air already. That week I recalled finishing work kind of early and then meeting her at Tanjong Pagar MRT station to have a drink and a chat at my place. I was surprised she agreed, and so we did. I introduced her to my father who came back home to cook dinner that day, and she handled the situation perfectly. It had to be that smile of hers...
Well, many people now mistake G and I to be together, but we strongly believe that relationships are decided by God, and only if HE gives the green light will we then continue. Right now, we're both praying for God's answer, and bit by bit, it's starting to show. But we don't want to jump the gun, because both of us have been emotionally hurt very badly in our last relationship, and we don't want to get too intimate lest God does not feel that we should be together.
But I have to admit I'm really happy around her. For one, she makes me feel loved even in public, until recently something happened that led to our first unhappy event. On our way home from Orchard one weekday, we were teasing one another on the bus before one of her ex-boyfriend's classmates boarded the bus. The moment she saw him, she ducked behind the seat, not wanting to be seen with me.
Later she explained that her friends in school still think that she and her ex-boyfriend were still together, and that this particular classmate happened to be a huge gossiper. She didn't want her reputation tarnished and be branded a two-timer, she said. When she said that, my heart sank.
I dunno if I deserved to be angry, but on-the-spot I have to admit I was very sad. We didn't talk all the way to Clementi bus interchange, and I could tell she knew she had said something that made me become very cold. She even bought me a warm cream bun hoping to melt the icyness in my heart, but at that point of time nothing she did could alleviate the hurt in my heart. When her bus came, she looked at me for a while, then turned and left to board the bus. I badly wanted to hold her hand, kiss her and tell her I'm fine, but something held me back from doing that. My age-old habit. Pride.
Something in me told me that I wanted her to hurt inside as badly as I felt myself. There were even doubts in my heart that maybe she was two-timing me despite everything she has said over the past few weeks. Why didn't her school people know that she had broken up with her ex already? It has already been 3 months since that happened, or was she still behaving very intimately with him in school for them to think so? Maybe.
HEY VICTOR~!! WAKE UP~!! You're thinking too much again! But... but... I honestly don't see the logic in her explaination... Or is it that I don't want to? Was she just afraid of losing face upon admitting that her ex had dumped her already? Or did she still have feelings for him? Well, I should have known! So many people have warned me about entering a relationship with someone who had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend. Hell, if she can't forget him even with me around, then she can have him! I have other girls who are willing to do anything just to be with me, I don't think she's that important anyway!
It's amazing how so many thoughts can run through your mind at one time. No wonder they say that Satan's most powerful weapon is jealousy. You can actually hear his voice speaking in your ear. Just look at the paragraph above! And you know what? I get jealous really easily. I think too much, people say. I have to admit that I spend alot of effort preventing myself from doing stupid things that would hurt other people's feelings when I am jealous. And jealousy cuts deeper than alot of other emotions. I could feel the knife plunging through me all the way home that day.
We've sms each other that night apologizing for the things that happened that day. But I have the bad habit of admitting it's my fault when sometimes it just isn't. Sooner than later, it'll seem like every bad thing that happened in the relationship is my fault. My pride still tells me to move on, but my heart tells me that I'll never find another girl like G the rest of my life. She is so wonderful, so different from Grace, so... so... loving. She agrees with everything I say about God and about life. She says she will travel with me anywhere if it is for God's sake. She also says that she will release me if God declares that I'm not the one.
I still am at a loss of how to feel and what to do.
One thought still holds steadfast in my mind.
SHE'S NOT YOURS YET. AT LEAST NOT TILL I SAY SO.
Yes Lord, your servant is listening. Give the order and I shall obey.
But sometimes I must admit that blogging is pretty tiring. But it's all about starting to type those few first paragraphs, then everything will pour out. That's why you readers might see that though I don't blog often, each one is pretty long...
Yes, I have been busy, and yes I have been really happy the past few days while my blog has been silent. And yes, your're right again if you think I'm sad right now. Not exactly sad, just a mixture of feelings. And you're scored full marks if you guessed that the cause of it all is a girl.
Why is it that girls have a way of tugging a guy's heartstrings all the time? Okay, admittedly there are differences in the degree to how hard they pull, but I'll be lying if I say that such strings don't exist.
Her name is G. What do you want to know about her? Hmmmm... How we first met? My earlier blogs might have traces of loneliness scribbled all over them, and I had been praying very hard for God to relieve this hollow feelings that has been plaguing me since Grace left my life. And one day, I just noticed her in church. It was like BOOM! It just hit me.
It was not loved at first sight. When I noticed her, it was her 2nd time to the church and the youth group already. The first week I just said hi, chatted a bit with her, but never took notice of anything special about her at all. Then on the 2nd week she came, I noticed her talking to my grandma in Cantonese. She was both smiling at me and entertaining the old lady while I carried out the usual routine of bringing snacks for her after the main service. I realized that she was beautiful, and had a mesmerizing smile that I didn't notice the week before. Then one of the youth jokingly commented that my grandma had just matchmaked the both of us. It was a really embarrassing moment for the both myself and G, but we took it with a pinch of salt, and carried on what we were doing.
But I had to have her number. She was a newcomer after all, and newcomers don't usually stay in the youth group for very long. I could use the pretext of getting to know her better and keep in contact. No one would suspect anything. Or so I thought. But there were people watching and some of them believed that I have broken out of my shell at last.
I kept her number in my phone, but didn't sms her till the later half of next week. We chatted amicably, but there was a kind of closeness in the air already. That week I recalled finishing work kind of early and then meeting her at Tanjong Pagar MRT station to have a drink and a chat at my place. I was surprised she agreed, and so we did. I introduced her to my father who came back home to cook dinner that day, and she handled the situation perfectly. It had to be that smile of hers...
Well, many people now mistake G and I to be together, but we strongly believe that relationships are decided by God, and only if HE gives the green light will we then continue. Right now, we're both praying for God's answer, and bit by bit, it's starting to show. But we don't want to jump the gun, because both of us have been emotionally hurt very badly in our last relationship, and we don't want to get too intimate lest God does not feel that we should be together.
But I have to admit I'm really happy around her. For one, she makes me feel loved even in public, until recently something happened that led to our first unhappy event. On our way home from Orchard one weekday, we were teasing one another on the bus before one of her ex-boyfriend's classmates boarded the bus. The moment she saw him, she ducked behind the seat, not wanting to be seen with me.
Later she explained that her friends in school still think that she and her ex-boyfriend were still together, and that this particular classmate happened to be a huge gossiper. She didn't want her reputation tarnished and be branded a two-timer, she said. When she said that, my heart sank.
I dunno if I deserved to be angry, but on-the-spot I have to admit I was very sad. We didn't talk all the way to Clementi bus interchange, and I could tell she knew she had said something that made me become very cold. She even bought me a warm cream bun hoping to melt the icyness in my heart, but at that point of time nothing she did could alleviate the hurt in my heart. When her bus came, she looked at me for a while, then turned and left to board the bus. I badly wanted to hold her hand, kiss her and tell her I'm fine, but something held me back from doing that. My age-old habit. Pride.
Something in me told me that I wanted her to hurt inside as badly as I felt myself. There were even doubts in my heart that maybe she was two-timing me despite everything she has said over the past few weeks. Why didn't her school people know that she had broken up with her ex already? It has already been 3 months since that happened, or was she still behaving very intimately with him in school for them to think so? Maybe.
HEY VICTOR~!! WAKE UP~!! You're thinking too much again! But... but... I honestly don't see the logic in her explaination... Or is it that I don't want to? Was she just afraid of losing face upon admitting that her ex had dumped her already? Or did she still have feelings for him? Well, I should have known! So many people have warned me about entering a relationship with someone who had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend. Hell, if she can't forget him even with me around, then she can have him! I have other girls who are willing to do anything just to be with me, I don't think she's that important anyway!
It's amazing how so many thoughts can run through your mind at one time. No wonder they say that Satan's most powerful weapon is jealousy. You can actually hear his voice speaking in your ear. Just look at the paragraph above! And you know what? I get jealous really easily. I think too much, people say. I have to admit that I spend alot of effort preventing myself from doing stupid things that would hurt other people's feelings when I am jealous. And jealousy cuts deeper than alot of other emotions. I could feel the knife plunging through me all the way home that day.
We've sms each other that night apologizing for the things that happened that day. But I have the bad habit of admitting it's my fault when sometimes it just isn't. Sooner than later, it'll seem like every bad thing that happened in the relationship is my fault. My pride still tells me to move on, but my heart tells me that I'll never find another girl like G the rest of my life. She is so wonderful, so different from Grace, so... so... loving. She agrees with everything I say about God and about life. She says she will travel with me anywhere if it is for God's sake. She also says that she will release me if God declares that I'm not the one.
I still am at a loss of how to feel and what to do.
One thought still holds steadfast in my mind.
SHE'S NOT YOURS YET. AT LEAST NOT TILL I SAY SO.
Yes Lord, your servant is listening. Give the order and I shall obey.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
God, Do I Matter?
Popped by a Christian bookstore after dinner with Thomas at Raffles City foodcourt. There was a book for sale, $19.00, which was entitled "The Bride". It was supposedly a book for disillusioned Christians who are unhappy about the way the things were going about for them in their church. Sounded pretty relevant to me, so I flipped it open and begin browsing through it.
Yes, I am unhappy. And it has been that way ever since I felt a calling to be a leader in the Agape Youth. Or a so-called leader. I've never actually contributed anything but hot air and unrealistic dreams. In my opinion, the youth's potential was never expounded on. And I'm not young anymore. I'm actually too old to be part of the youth any longer. But it's really painful to see that the calling that I felt for so long in my hearts was never really answered.
Evangelism. The Great Commission. The power of the Holy Spirit to turn the world upside down. The passion of youth. The naivete and innocence to go forth and do God's bidding without holding back or questioning. The spirit of a warrior and fighter equipped with the armor of God rushing into battle with the demons of the Hell. And winning.
I don't sense it at all with the youth. People come and people go. Leaders come and leaders go. But nothing changes. The people who come are those who were brought up their entire life in church. Those who aren't, can be counted on one hand. Are we unsuccessful? Maybe. But with a God like ours who is almighty and omnipotent, what are we afraid of?
Then it hit me.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT DOING ANYTHING.
Remember, God gave YOU the calling. But you've practically thrown it away. You've disowned it. You left it at the corner of your mind, hoping that it'll disappear by itself. You feel it during quiet time or when the passion of Christ overwhelms you, but you push it away, imagining that it isn't there. You know God's been calling you to behave like His child. But you behave like an idiot. Ignorant. Unmoving. Like a REAL BASTARD.
Who ever told you that you needed to be in the leadership to fulfil this calling? Did God say He'll anoint you? No. Then what are you waiting for? Is your pride to great to beg for a chance to help out? Yes. So that's it, Victor. You're too arrogant. You want people to INVITE you to help them. You want to feel needed, loved, appreciated. Are you that deprived? Did your parents not shower you with enough love and care to actually behaved is such a shamful manner? Did GOD not show you enough of HIS love? Aren't you priviledged? There are people out there in the world who have no parents, or do not know God personally, but don't behave one bit like you. You self-pitiful shithead. Go wallow in your own sorrows, swine. No one is going to join you. Even Grace could see that you're not good enough for her. God sent His Son to die for you on the cross, but you could feel that THAT wasn't enough? You ungrateful bastard. Is it too much that He gave you a calling and you go out and perform what you could without wanting a piece of the leadership?
I looked back, and a sinking feeling filled my soul. Honestly, I've never done anything for the youth. I haven't done anything for my non-Christian friends. I was actually CONTENTED to see all of them go to HELL. I knew The Way to Heaven, but I didn't share it with anyone. I believe that I could feel God's love within me, but that it never was strong enough to convict me of preaching the Word.
Rubbish. Stop fibbing and lying to yourself. There's no need to blame God. YOU were never interested in anything more that bringing attention to YOUSELF. You're sick do you know that? You're attention-deficient. Everything that you've done in your life is to attract people's attention towards yourself, and when that doesn't work, you wallow in your own self-pity. What a loser.
Okay okay. So maybe that's it. I'm so loser. The kind with the big "L" on my forehead and a "Kick Me" signed stuck to the back of my shirt. But aren't there people in the world much worst off then me? What about them?
They don't matter. As long as you do anything wrong, it hurts God. Very much. Everything someone sins, he nails Jesus' hands to the cross.
Ouch.
Yes, I am unhappy. And it has been that way ever since I felt a calling to be a leader in the Agape Youth. Or a so-called leader. I've never actually contributed anything but hot air and unrealistic dreams. In my opinion, the youth's potential was never expounded on. And I'm not young anymore. I'm actually too old to be part of the youth any longer. But it's really painful to see that the calling that I felt for so long in my hearts was never really answered.
Evangelism. The Great Commission. The power of the Holy Spirit to turn the world upside down. The passion of youth. The naivete and innocence to go forth and do God's bidding without holding back or questioning. The spirit of a warrior and fighter equipped with the armor of God rushing into battle with the demons of the Hell. And winning.
I don't sense it at all with the youth. People come and people go. Leaders come and leaders go. But nothing changes. The people who come are those who were brought up their entire life in church. Those who aren't, can be counted on one hand. Are we unsuccessful? Maybe. But with a God like ours who is almighty and omnipotent, what are we afraid of?
Then it hit me.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT DOING ANYTHING.
Remember, God gave YOU the calling. But you've practically thrown it away. You've disowned it. You left it at the corner of your mind, hoping that it'll disappear by itself. You feel it during quiet time or when the passion of Christ overwhelms you, but you push it away, imagining that it isn't there. You know God's been calling you to behave like His child. But you behave like an idiot. Ignorant. Unmoving. Like a REAL BASTARD.
Who ever told you that you needed to be in the leadership to fulfil this calling? Did God say He'll anoint you? No. Then what are you waiting for? Is your pride to great to beg for a chance to help out? Yes. So that's it, Victor. You're too arrogant. You want people to INVITE you to help them. You want to feel needed, loved, appreciated. Are you that deprived? Did your parents not shower you with enough love and care to actually behaved is such a shamful manner? Did GOD not show you enough of HIS love? Aren't you priviledged? There are people out there in the world who have no parents, or do not know God personally, but don't behave one bit like you. You self-pitiful shithead. Go wallow in your own sorrows, swine. No one is going to join you. Even Grace could see that you're not good enough for her. God sent His Son to die for you on the cross, but you could feel that THAT wasn't enough? You ungrateful bastard. Is it too much that He gave you a calling and you go out and perform what you could without wanting a piece of the leadership?
I looked back, and a sinking feeling filled my soul. Honestly, I've never done anything for the youth. I haven't done anything for my non-Christian friends. I was actually CONTENTED to see all of them go to HELL. I knew The Way to Heaven, but I didn't share it with anyone. I believe that I could feel God's love within me, but that it never was strong enough to convict me of preaching the Word.
Rubbish. Stop fibbing and lying to yourself. There's no need to blame God. YOU were never interested in anything more that bringing attention to YOUSELF. You're sick do you know that? You're attention-deficient. Everything that you've done in your life is to attract people's attention towards yourself, and when that doesn't work, you wallow in your own self-pity. What a loser.
Okay okay. So maybe that's it. I'm so loser. The kind with the big "L" on my forehead and a "Kick Me" signed stuck to the back of my shirt. But aren't there people in the world much worst off then me? What about them?
They don't matter. As long as you do anything wrong, it hurts God. Very much. Everything someone sins, he nails Jesus' hands to the cross.
Ouch.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Dancing the Night Away
The work at my unit is piling up higher and higher, so I'm kinda getting busier everyday. But that's a good thing. I prefer having a pre-occupied mind than a dull and lazy one. Sorta feel healthier too... Haha... Thank God that I'm building good rapport with my co-workers and signallers. Though I don't have the toilet humour of my upper-study, I guess it's also good coZ people see me as a serious worker and a no nonsense leader, unlike the way they view my upper-study.
He just went Zouk tonight. Inside me I also wished I had the money to go and party the night away, it's Mambo Night after all... But another side of me tells me that people who go there are depressed people. They are searching for something that is out of this world, and the closest they get (without taking drugs) is this uncannily potent mixture of blaring music, strong alcohol and a place crammed full of strangers with sensuality filling the air. The music is suggestively sexual, and perspiration, cigarette smoke plus flashing lights only add to the glamor of a paradise not found on earth.
But rarely do they find it. They come close, very close actually, that's why they are drawn to it in a unique way. Even I myself sometimes visit those places. Once in a while I'll steal off on a Saturday night to Double O's at Muhammed Sultan to dance the night away to my favourite Retro tunes like "Dancing Queen", "Square Rooms" and "Livin' on a Prayer". I really like those kind of music, and clubbing gives me the chance to dance in any manner I'm comfortable with. It brings out some 'happiness" in me, albeit a short-lived one. But the people I see there sometimes scare me. The deaden look in their eyes, or the flashing anger, or the ferocious sexual appetite building up in them.
The neon lights have a special way of making people look sexier. It also creates mystery because you can't see that stranger on the other end of the dance floor very clearly, but you know that she has a voluptous figure, and she's looking right at you... The tension and excitement it creates is stunning, and the illusions and expectations that wet your appetite come pouring in your mind, with the suggestive lyrics of the songs and the hynotizing effects of the bass knocking out any trace of common sense in your head. How can someone resist something like that? It's difficult you know... That's when God's strength is required. But sometimes, I worry for myself when will be the next time I go back to clubbing again. That urge is building up everyday, and I always convince myself that I'm going there because I love retro music, but a small voice in my head rebukes me because that's not purely the only reason why I go there...
Sigh.. Clubbing... Should I go or not? Sometimes. I just think it's because I'm lonely. I need someone to pamper... Someone to love me in return... But I cannot say it out loud for... Am I any lesser a man if I do?
He just went Zouk tonight. Inside me I also wished I had the money to go and party the night away, it's Mambo Night after all... But another side of me tells me that people who go there are depressed people. They are searching for something that is out of this world, and the closest they get (without taking drugs) is this uncannily potent mixture of blaring music, strong alcohol and a place crammed full of strangers with sensuality filling the air. The music is suggestively sexual, and perspiration, cigarette smoke plus flashing lights only add to the glamor of a paradise not found on earth.
But rarely do they find it. They come close, very close actually, that's why they are drawn to it in a unique way. Even I myself sometimes visit those places. Once in a while I'll steal off on a Saturday night to Double O's at Muhammed Sultan to dance the night away to my favourite Retro tunes like "Dancing Queen", "Square Rooms" and "Livin' on a Prayer". I really like those kind of music, and clubbing gives me the chance to dance in any manner I'm comfortable with. It brings out some 'happiness" in me, albeit a short-lived one. But the people I see there sometimes scare me. The deaden look in their eyes, or the flashing anger, or the ferocious sexual appetite building up in them.
The neon lights have a special way of making people look sexier. It also creates mystery because you can't see that stranger on the other end of the dance floor very clearly, but you know that she has a voluptous figure, and she's looking right at you... The tension and excitement it creates is stunning, and the illusions and expectations that wet your appetite come pouring in your mind, with the suggestive lyrics of the songs and the hynotizing effects of the bass knocking out any trace of common sense in your head. How can someone resist something like that? It's difficult you know... That's when God's strength is required. But sometimes, I worry for myself when will be the next time I go back to clubbing again. That urge is building up everyday, and I always convince myself that I'm going there because I love retro music, but a small voice in my head rebukes me because that's not purely the only reason why I go there...
Sigh.. Clubbing... Should I go or not? Sometimes. I just think it's because I'm lonely. I need someone to pamper... Someone to love me in return... But I cannot say it out loud for... Am I any lesser a man if I do?
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