Created For A Purpose

We were created for war. For victory. For glory. For THE KING. War on earth burns with hatred, are lead by imperfect leaders, fought by inadequate men, and recorded as disasters in the chronicles of history. The victors execute the losers, rewrite Social Studies textbooks, and prepare for yet another generation of war. But the true war is won by the hearts of love, lead by a perfect KING, fought my soldiers that are invincible because they bear His emblem, and recorded as the greatest victory of all time. The victors give the losers what they have always desired, write their names in the Book of Life, and prepare for a joy that will last forever.

Will you give your life for THE KING?

Exams Over!

Yay. My exams are over. I'm damn slack now. Super super slack. I had planned to do so many things after the exams, and now that it's all over, I just dun feel like doing them. Dang.

I want to write a story. I'm inspired by Bleach, of all shows. Sadly I'm an author of romantic fiction, not adventure, supernatural stories. However, I'm going to combine plots. Wahaha... Went to the library today and was reading up on some advice by established writers on how to write stories. Apparently there is alot of work needed, but I dun recall ever taking down so many notes about character, scenery and other stuff that are so valuable to them. After all, writing romance fiction is just a hobby, not my career!

But I've gotta start soon. Darn, still got this Sunday's lesson to do up. I think I'll do a "Mother's Day Special" lesson. I do that every year anyway. There's no other earthly love so sacrificial and celebrated as that of maternal love. After all, it is true to a certain extent that only the mother can be sure that the child truly belongs to her because she gave birth to it. We men, husbands, can never, ever know.

23 Years Old

It's been a wonderful 23th birthday for me! =) Yesterday I was taken to Sushi-Tei for a treat by my dad, and in the evening at another beautiful Japanese restaurant at Icon Village with the whole family. I've also gotten really nice presents from my family members. Dad gave me a really cool LG KS-20 phone which I've been eyeing for quite a while, and Nick gave me real some real nice Bleach toys and a pair of slippers to replace my ultra-slippery ones. Here are some pictures taken with my new handphone. Heez!
I can't tell what Nick is doing...
Dad having a share of my birthday cake...
Mum, Andrew and Nick grabbing the food Mum bought from Pizza Hut for supper...
A rare opportunity to see Mum tucking into something as sinful as Pizza Hut...
My Urahara soft toy from Nick! (Richard must be jealous)
The other Urahara & Ururu keychain he bought for me too! =)

I'm happy today! Thank God for such a loving family. Thanks Mum and Dad! =)

Mugging for Exams

Ngee Ann Polytechnic is quite a nice place! Went to the library there this afternoon to study with Jowyne and Candice. But I think I'm probably the only one who really got anything done. Jowyne was busy talking to her two friends most of the time (at least when I was there, haha!) and Candice slept and 4am the night before so she was busy trying hard to keep away most of the time. Had a late lunch at a nice canteen, but boy, is the food there expensive. Candice and I both agreed NUS food is a lot cheaper. Haha...

I'm kind of done with Sociology of Tourism, and I'm working on Sociology of Power at the moment. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful insights that Sociology has given me, and everything I learn shows me all the more why God wanted to save us in the first place. It's quite a sad picture really, of life in this world. However, I want to do something to change it, to help people. Ever negative, Sociology always argues that there is no way out, and any action is contributing even more a vicious cycle in the bigger picture, or an attempt to slow down the destruction process. However, one must try. I always see myself as someone who thinks and agrees with Marx, holds a Durkheim-like hope for society, and endeavors to solve the problems from the perspective of a Weberian, independent bureaucracy. Troublesome really, because all of them conflict right from their very fundamentals.

I still have quite a bit from Sociology to complete, as well as Modern Japanese Religions, Japanese Language 4 and Sociology of Deviance to settle. Must remember to really thank God for the essays that have just been returned! I got a stunning A+ for my Sociology of Tourism essay and a pretty good A- for Sociology of Deviance essay. Amazing really. God has been good to me. I still have the Sociology of Power essay and Modern Japanese essay yet to be returned to me at the moment, but I trust God that everything will turn out as He will, not as I have planned.

Okay, I've been slacking too much. Tend to go into Facebook mood once I sit in front of the computer with an internet connection. Sigh. Back to books!

Gen12ii

Preparation for Gen12ii has begun, and I've just gotten my portfolio last night! I'm in charge of Special Programs with Pearlyn! Haha... I'm happy and disappointed in a way. Happy because that's where my talent and passion lies, but disappointed because I didn't get my first choice and really stretch myself for this mission trip. But it's good also. I think the Crusade staff and seniors know about some of the problems with my "outside life" and are afraid that I'll be affected by it. Well, I can protest for all I want, but I guess God knows better also. I'm not that suitable to lead a Christian team and I know it. A secular team with secular missions, hey, I think I'll suit just fine. Which I think is kinda sad in some sense. But I'll be 100% behind Xinyi all the way! I think she'll be an excellent leader. She's probably the only one who can control Jody and Suma too. =P

One more last essay to go, a 3500 word essay on Modern Japanese Religions, where I will be analyzing the social origins of New Religions. For some reason, nothing is flowing into my head now. It somehow is the hardest essay to write so far, now that my Tourism essay is complete and my Power and Deviance essays have long been settled. I'm also kinda relieved that Japanese 4 is over, I don't think I can carry on to Japanese 5. It's way too taxing on my time and energy level, and this particular module, unlike the earlier language modules, has totally drained my passion. Japanese suddenly becomes like Chinese with all the forced memorizations and emphasis on particular forms of speaking. Walker sensei has also announced her displeasure with all our mid-term grades during lecture before, and boy, it was demoralizing. What she does not know is the number of people in this batch who has Japanese language experience before but did not declare it. And now she expects so much from these "talented batch" she forgets people like myself who literally learn from scratch. Which is kind of sad really.

This is a kinda depressing post I realize. And if you look carefully, I'm trying my best to pepper it with as much joy and enthusiasm as I can, with little success. Sigh. Lots of things have been on my mind since the giving out of the portfolios last night. A tinge of enthusiasm towards the mission trip has sort of vaporized. Maybe my enthusiasm was based on the wrong things? Ironically, I wrote down in my Gen12ii handbook that what I wanted to learn from this trip was humility and the heart of a servant, and just a few minutes before the portfolios were given out. Haha... God really humbles me in ways unimaginable. That's why I hate asking Him to humble me. My ego is way too big, and it's running on air, not on any stable substance. Bursting it kinda creates a certain depression that I gotta kick myself out of. And I honestly don't know how long I can last.

I still have to lead worship and do up the youth's lesson for Sunday. Monday I've gotta hand up the religion paper and take the Japanese oral test. Sigh. I need more strength from You Lord. Help me depend on You and not myself.

Irony Amplified

Here I am with a ton of work I know I should be doing, but not doing. And I'll just keep saying that it's because I haven't started my research yet. But again, procrastination is the main problem. I'm like totally avoiding the library this semester. Maybe it's because my classes are all back to back this time. But probably it's just pure laziness to tap my card against the electronic gateway into the library. Bah.

It's ironic that I'm blogging. Not many people read this blog anyway. Not that there's nothing "juicy" about my life. I just feel there is nothing to learn from those episodes, and all to feel ashamed about. It's sad because I'm like Jonah, but I'm constantly running away despite lesson after lesson. I find my fill from this Earth, and I'm constantly thirsting for more. But again I'm too proud to ask God to fill this aching gap that has formed up within me. I've got too much to lose, too many things I don't want to forget. I want to live this life with the false assumption that I'm tough, hardy, street-smart and vicious, thanks to all the lessons I've learnt the hard way in life. But God knows that I can't fight for nuts. I'm probably a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I'll only fight if my pride is hurt, or my love ones for that matter. In that sense I'm kind of useless really. I don't want to fight a midget who can whip off my specs and kick me in the balls to truly understand this.

Sometimes I'm reminded that to be strong, one must first be weak and then God's power will fill the emptiness. But I like to rely on my own strength, head-strong as it is. I like to think that the talents that I possess are good enough to beat any man, be it academically, physically or socially where it matters most. However, I forget that these talents are bestowed by God in the first place. And where God gives more, He expects more. But I think I see many, many people around me who are given less, but have probably contributed back to the Kingdom more than I can ever imagine myself to be able to give.

In that sense I'm broken. Broken, yet unwilling to cry for help. Is my ego really so big? I think the next woman who comes along and smashes it to bits is probably the woman I'll marry. Provided I don't hate her to death for doing so. And provided she actually exist. LOL

Devastation

Utter devastation. I'm in total collapse. Why did you have to do that? Why were you so silly? Now your life will have be undergoing a totally different spin. Your plans, your future, your hopes, your dreams, now lie shattered in front of you. All it took was just one small, silly, seemingly harmless choice, a few minutes of ecstasy, a relieving of desire and a confirmation of love.

You were smart, sassy, beautiful, vocal, everything that a man could want. I know this because I know you better than anyone else. I would rather you make a mistake with anything else at all, but this. The moment you mentioned this to me, a sudden deep rift split open my inner core. An immense gravitational pull, akin to that of a black hole, just ripped apart my senses. We were so closed, and despite distancing ourselves for a short period of time, I still felt like I was part of you. And this just feels like, something is happening in me as much as it is already happening in you.

I'm disappointed. Sorely, utterly, downright disappointed. You might not think it's much of a deal, but... it will be in the future. I'll be praying for you. Honestly, I dunno what to pray for and how to go about it, but I'm sure He does.