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She's Like The Wind (Dirty Dancing OST)

She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane

Feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
She's like the wind

When a man does not know what harbor he is aiming for, no wind is the right wind. -Seneca

Terrors overwhelm me; my dignity is driven away as by the wind, my safety vanishes like a cloud. -Job (Job 30:15)

Delayed Gratification or Alternative Craving?

As much as I enjoy learning about leadership, I realize it is NOT something to be taught in the classroom. One of the modules I'm currently taking is titled, "Consulting Skills for Transformational Leaders". Heck of a boring module, especially since the lecturer reads off the textbook.

But today he mentioned something interesting. A longitudinal experiment once done on the few children was shown to clearly display a trait that was strongly positively correlated to effective leadership in the future.

The experiment was pretty simple. Every kid was brought to a room which had a table, a chair, and a piece of chocolate of a well-known brand. He or she was then told that in 5 minutes, if the chocolate was still there, another piece would be brought in. And so on and so forth, until the kid eventually ate the chocolates. Scientists soon found out that the kids who could withstand temptation for long periods of time eventually went on to become effective leaders in the future who could plan long-term, take hardships and set model examples for their followers.

Interesting, I thought. I wonder how I would have reacted if I took this experiment as a kid.

Firstly, as a kid, I didn't really like chocolate. As in I don't have cravings for them. So I'd probably have asked for a book to read or some toys to create my own fantasy world, as I always did.

Secondly, even at that age, I knew that other kids liked chocolate. So I'd have probably accumulated as much of them as I could so I can distribute them later to my friends. And I'll definitely keep some for Andrew and Nicholas. I understood at an early age that you could "buy" friendships to a certain extent.

Thirdly, I would have known that the things I craved for as a kid, money couldn't buy. And I can see myself walking out of the room with that big plastic bag of chocolates, hoping that for once, the guy in the white lab coat standing by the door would pat my head and smile, instead of looking at me like a failed experiment.


Delayed gratification. Being able to calculate and bear initial sacrifice for long-term gains. Sometimes when people look back at those men and women in history who sacrificed all they had, they are inclined to label these figures as great examples of self-sacrifice. But I think not. Some of them might just be craving something else, something this world couldn't offer.


A nod of approval from the Most High.





P.S. An apology to those who found me unusually quiet during cell last Tuesday. When the topics are about core values, apologetics, the Christian walk, it's all fine and good with me. But when the topic is about the stewardship of money, I automatically switch off. I have a burning and intense dislike, no, hatred for money and the way it changes people, and verses like Luke 16:13 only reinforce it, to the point I sometimes take unnecessary pride in my orientation.







Sometimes, to understand the value of "sacrifice", it would be prudent to first understand the subject's perspectives and priorities. It is truly harder for an ordinary South African, Indian or Black to sacrifice his life then for Mandela, Gandhi or King, so how can we say that these great men made huge sacrifices? The only thing they did differently was to have an unshakable understanding of their priorities. After that, "sacrifice" simply became not much of a sacrifice at all! Instead, they were simply ordinary men craving for something else that the rest of the world did not value as much. And that thing, they would not sacrifice. -Valentino Casanova

You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. -Jesus (Luke 18:22)

The Plank In My Eye

Sometimes, I feel that I'm too rebellious for my good. I'm too outspoken, too rash, too idealistic, too stubborn.

Some of the Agape youths know, I don't have too positive an impression of some of the adults in my church. My Christian walk since I gave my life to Christ at the age of 14 has been one of ideological battle and pride. Before, I was not afraid to correct my church elders in matters of doctrine and Bible interpretation. But over the years, I've simmered down in terms of my attitude.

But it was today that I found out, although externally I've become more polite to them, more cordial in my remarks, more submissive to authority and seniority, the fire in me hasn't died down. Instead, it continues to burn like a roaring flame.

Let this blog be my only ranting ground. Nowhere else must my dissatisfaction be made known, lest it creates factions within my church and I be confronted of the grievous sin of rebellion.



I disagree with what my Vicar said today during sermon. It's not the first time, nor is this likely to be the last time.

Vicar's interpretation of the Good Samaritan is what most people deem to be "conservative". I, on the other hand, would label it as "diluted". I do understand that he's in the job of appealing to people's conscience, but in no way should the Word be diluted in any manner.

Quoting the dialogue between Jesus and the expert of the law (Luke 10:25-37), Vicar started off by claiming that it was clear that the expert of the law was arrogant because he "tested" Jesus. Firstly, an expert of the law may or may not be a Pharisee, and even then, there were good Pharisees like Nicodemus. "Testing" Jesus was, and should still be, a protocol move for any religious leader to determine if what is spoken by an unproven teacher or prophet is the truth. An assumption of arrogance, I believe, would be too quick a judgment to make. Secondly, the question he asked was, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Understanding the context, the concept of "eternal life" was a pretty much a foreign one, and no one knew the answer, although some religious leaders might think they have a clue or two. In addition to that, the "rich young ruler" also asked Jesus the same question, and I doubt anyone would say that he was arrogant, so why should the expert of the law be deemed as arrogant?

Vicar continued on to say that although Jesus gave the example of the Priest and the Levite, we must be careful not to judge them as negative examples. He went on to say that we should not be too quick to judge people, since God is the final judge. True, the final part. But if the Priest and the Levite were not negative examples, then the story of the Good Samaritan would have lost its meaning! As far as we should not judge, God has also given us knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. The key of this story is justice and mercy, and to show us that God values justice and mercy over ritualistic behavior aimed at cleanliness and avoiding defilement.

It became even more diluted when Vicar continued by saying that the story of the Good Samaritan was an invitation to do good works. Doing good works was NEVER an invitation. A statement like that appeals to the ears of those who sit in the pews Sunday after Sunday without sensing God's heart and urge to reach out to the lost. I know, because I spent most of my life as one of them, so I dare say that there are those who think like this in the church. The call to do good works was and still is a command. "Love your neighbor as yourself" is a commandment, is it not? It is the fundamental of living the Christian life, a life of evangelism! We can always reject an invitation, but if it was simply an invitation, then God would not use it to determine who is a sheep and who is a goat at the Final Judgment (Matthew 25). Our salvation thus hinges on the way we live in respond to the free gift of His blood!

Finally, Vicar ended off by saying that the crux of the Good Samaritan is for us to put ourselves in the shoes of the injured man on the road. He went on to link it to the way it represented Jesus' love for us when we were sinners and still lost. My argument is that if so, then it does not answer the question of the expert of the law! The expert of the law wanted to know who Jesus defines our neighbors to be, and therefore the parable can only be understood as Jesus telling us not to be like the Priest or the Levite, but like the Samaritan. The one who was supposed to be an enemy, of a lower class and economic status. We are to love our neighbors, defined as anyone we come into contact with on the journey of our lives! We are to love them despite the dangers of being robbed like him, conned of our kindness, or taken for granted by a more arrogant group of people.



Despite all these issues I have, they are simply doctrinal and/or ideological. My response now must be simply to submit to authority. To even consider rebellion as an option would be to sin. I would be doing no one, not even myself, a service to leave the church because of the shame and slightly negative reputation I have garnered for myself.



I must not be part of another denominational split, or another dissatisfied Christian-turned-atheist, especially when my dissatisfaction with the church goes on so many levels. To do so would be unbiblical, would be to sin. There are reasons for why I've been placed in this church, and I will stay to serve humbly unless told directly that my services are not wanted. And even then, I must and will still submit to authority.





Forgive me Lord, for commenting on the speck in my brother's eye; no, worse, the eye of a man God has put in authority over me.





Convict instead, my heart, of the plank in my own.







This statement, I will not withdraw, that unless the church recognizes that our God prioritizes justice and mercy over religious ceremonies and fellowship, revival will not come. However, just because the church has not gone in that direction does not mean that the few of us who feel God's heart cannot pioneer the way. -Valentino Casanova

How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? -Jesus (Matthew 7:4)

A Sound of Heaven

Have you ever wondered what Heaven looked like? I mean, we have all read Revelations, but in terms of physical description, John probably did well do keep it to a minimum. It was probably too beautiful to describe anyway. But have you heard a sound of Heaven, I wonder? No, not with your eyes, but with your soul.

Let's me try my best to bring it across to you. I don't mean you'll necessarily understand what I'm talking about, but I'll try anyway.

The thing that has mesmerized me most about God is His beauty. Most people focus on His grace, His holiness, His mercy. All fair and good, depending on your life experiences and personal preference. But beauty, this tear-jerking characteristic, is often overlooked in my opinion. During the song-writing workshop I organized in December last year for the youths in my church, I constantly emphasized on beauty. One would be unable to write a poem, a song, a verse, unless one is so overwhelmed and inspired by the beauty of the subject.

Alright, back to the topic of having a glimpse of Heaven.

There's this advantage of serving in a worship band as a worship leader or a musician. Having been born and bred in a small church, one has the privilege (and burden, sometimes) of having much more exposure to the music ministry. So this year, I'm celebrating my 10th year in the church's music ministry. Very happy. Also means time to mature to a whole new level of bringing the ministry out of the church and into the streets. But that's for another post.

During these 10 beautiful years, I have heard the occasional sound of Heaven during worship. When, you might ask. When I hear the people singing with all their hearts. It's a beautiful sound. With my eyes, I see nothing really special. People lifting up hands, eyes closed and mind focused on God; in some Pentecostal Churches that's actually a common sight. It's more rare on the Anglican side admittedly, but it's really nothing special.

This piece of Heaven comes by what one hears. As a worship leader, I'm often VERY tempted to just shut up, put the mic away, step down from the stage and worship with the crowd. When the music fades, and the pure sound of voices remain, THAT my friends, is a glimpse of Heaven. I can't explain it much more, you can also get a glimpse of it when you watch live concerts by pop idols and rock bands, especially when the fanatic crowd knows the lyrics of the song so well and sing with whatever they've got. It's not exclusive to Christian worship, that I concede. But then again, because it exists outside of the church too, no one in this world can say that God never gave them a glimpse of that, unless one is deaf for that matter. And even then, deaf people can "feel" such voices with their sense of touch; the "shiver down your spine" effect is still latent.


I used to have this crazy idea that in Heaven, all the best worship leaders on Earth over history would be chosen to lead the entire billion-strong audience with their voices, all the best musicians flamboyantly spinning their instruments, all the greatest sound men in the background making the necessary dynamic changes etc. And during my younger heydays, I would dream of being at least among the "Top 10 Worship Leaders in Earth History" or "Top 10 Musicians in Earth History" chosen to sing in Heaven. And if not, at-least-put-me-in-the-gospel-choir closest-to-the-Throne kinda attitude.

Cute huh? But now as I grow in my walk, I think that's going to be pretty unnecessary. Heaven is going to be filled with people who are just going to spontaneously burst out in songs of praise, dancing in the streets leading to a massive outdoor hall where everyone is jumping and singing and playing whatever instruments they can carry. No worship leader or scheduled musician will be necessary, just a gathering of pure hearts.

Have you ever been in a worship session where you just didn't want it to end? Or have you been in the midst of a throng of voices united as one, often without music, without flamboyant displays, no leading voices, and yet felt your hair stand on end?

Then my friend, maybe you have had a glimpse of Heaven too.





We talk about Heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance to those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for a prepared people. -Dwight L. Moody

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. -Peter (2 Pet 3:8)

I Will Try To Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Deficiency motivation doesn't work. It will lead to a life-long pursuit of try to fix me. Learn to appreciate what you have and where and who you are. -Wayne Dyer

"You're Not Good Enough"

I have a fear of rejection.

The notion of not being good enough is my life's driving force. I don't exactly know how this fear came about.

Maybe being the eldest child instilled in me a competitive spirit for my parents' attention, since Andrew was always the ultra-cute, wide-eyed baby and Nick was the youngest one receiving most of the attention. I don't remember being lavished with attention when I was young, since I was with a nanny for the two years till Andrew was born, and only then did my mum quit her job. Even when I was growing up, I wasn't cute. I mean, I wore my first pair of spectacles at K1 (4 years old), and by that time it was already 500 degrees, which meant that my eyes looked really small behind those "coca-cola bottle" glasses. No one would look cute in that. However, I was comfortable being alone (as I still very much am) with my head buried in books or playing with the hand-me-down Lego sets or Transformers courtesy of my cousins. So maybe that's not the reason.

Maybe the reason is because the people around me always made me feel inadequate. My dad always punished the three of us boys in front of the other Sunday School kids to scare the daylights out of them, and I duly received the most beating because although my offenses were my offenses alone, but Andrew's and Nicholas' offenses were somehow mine too. My mum also always compared me to my neighbor on the 17th floor who was a really brilliant chap who made it to the Gifted stream in Primary 3 and subsequently everything academically good in his life. I don't remember being valued very much for my intellectual brilliance, because I usually attribute them to God's grace and providence anyway. The day I brought back 3 A-stars and 1 A for my PSLE made my mum happy for about an hour or so, before her mood for the entire December holiday was spoiled by my brothers' average academic grades and apparent laziness (both of them were late bloomers). More or less the same thing happened when I brought back 7 points for my O Levels.

Though I can't really pinpoint my fear of rejection, I know for sure that it scares the hell out of me. There is a cliche statement that dumpees always hear: "Don't be sad, see it this way. He/she wasn't good enough for you. You deserve better." Honestly, people who say that mean well, especially since dumpees usually feel quite shitty or inadequate, putting the blame on themselves for not being good enough and thus leading to the eventual collapse of the relationship.

The ironic thing is that although I comfort my friends with that statement, to various degrees of success, I believe absolutely nothing of it when it comes to my own failed relationships. A voice sits on my shoulders and constantly whispers into my ear, "You were not good enough. You are an absolute failure. She knew you were crap, that's why she couldn't see herself spending the rest of her life with you. That's why she left."

I am fully aware of the Biblical, correct answers to such condemnation. How would I be able to counsel youths if I did not?

But I let these thoughts fester. I experience a sadist enjoyment in cutting myself down to size, telling myself that I should be more humble. That there is always space for improvement. That change is the only constant. The only direction available is "UP", every other path goes downwards. That I have to attain perfection. That I CAN attain perfection, and that if I don't, I'm not working hard enough. That it's alright to hurt myself in the process as long as I don't hurt other people. That with enough pain comes gain. That there is no such thing as a core character or personality base, everything can and should be changed. Humility is not good enough, extreme humility like that of Moses should be my goal. Faithfulness is not good enough, extreme faith like that of Abraham should be my goal. Love is not good enough, extreme love like that of Jesus should be my goal.

That there is no one I cannot beat if I try hard enough. That true success means at the end of the day, I'm left face-to-face with just myself to beat, with the rest of the world trailing in the dust.

Be forewarned. As noble as it sounds, as Biblical as it may be, something is seriously wrong with this ideology, and I know it.




But I'm tunneling along like a bullet train at maximum speed. Every rejection in my life has served to up the notch on my speed gauge one bar up, and push my heart deeper into the corner. Technically, I should be proud of what I have accomplished, yet I despise myself. If so, then I love people out of duty, and not as the Bible commands, "To love my neighbor as myself". But my life is a contradiction based on Paul's notion of "beating the body" (1 Cor 9:27).




But how then, am I going to explain so many "You know, you're really nice to me and I know you'll make a fantastic husband to a very lucky woman, but... I'm just happier with him" statements?





I can only tell myself. Victor, you're not good enough.






You're just not good enough.







And I start picking up pace again.






Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. -Paul (1 Cor 9:25-27)

Often, I wrestle with the images of certain people I have never met before, people who must have been better than me to be able to steal the heart of the lady I once loved with all of mine. -Valentino Casanova

God's Weighing Scales

Sometimes, I look at the couples around me and I see how the potential of some great men are stifled by their wives, and how the inner beauty of some great women are crushed by the lack of appreciation from their husbands.

I sighed. Then again, I asked myself. Who am I to judge?


Then the debate restarts itself. Did God really prepared someone out there for each one of us? If so, then how do we explain the skyrocketing number of divorces? Does God make calculation errors? Or could He be evil and sadistic? Are the divorcees to blame for disobedience? Did they commit some great sin to deserve such an end to their relationships?

Or could God be giving us the freedom of choice to pick our mate? Could He love us so much that when it comes to matters of love, He chooses not to intervene? If so, would we not be lying if we try to convince ourselves and those around us that He indeed has someone prepared for us? Does the man who picks a woman to be his wife for her beauty rather than another for her godly character disobey God's Word in Proverbs 31? Is the woman who picks a man to be her husband for his money rather than another for his fear of God destined to join him in a worship of Mammon?



I suspect the answer is somewhere in the middle, and it requires an understanding of "time" from God's perspective. But even then, it gives clues to the idea that man will never fully understand God's definition of justice and fairness.



But maybe we could exercise a little caution and skepticism when someone says that "God has a special someone out there prepared for you". After all, the world is evidence itself of the huge number of Christians who might say that they want a partner of godly character, but eventually compromise and get together with a person who falls far short of the expected target i.e. the "perfect" one God had in mind for those He loves.



It would be even more tragic if before that, he or she rejects a whole bevy of eligible partners who would, using God's weighing scales, put the eventual "chosen one" to shame upon comparison.






I'm sure God uses a measuring stick, and I'm positive that the Bible talks clearly about the units of His measurement. However, I'm not so sure how He defines justice, even though my faith continues to holds me to the belief that He must be good. -Valentino Casanova

Tekel: You have been weighed on the scales and found wanting. -Daniel (Daniel 5:27)

Goodbye, Casanova

Sometimes, I wonder if people really believe I am a Casanova at all. Compared to the real historical figure, I am nothing similar to him; not one bit. It was a nickname given to me by my close friends in secondary school, but not for the reasons people tend to suppose. During my entire university life, it has worked wondrously both as a magnet and a filter for my numerous acquaintances. But as my final semester in school begins, it also means that the nickname has also reached the end of its lifespan, and this blog post will act as a benchmark signaling its retirement from the scene. This will also be a long post, so if you're really interested, do get yourself a cuppa.


During my Catholic High days, I was a fat, ugly student who sadly entered puberty at the age of seven. This means that I suffered acne, fantasized prematurely and became extremely self-conscious, all as early as Primary 3. In addition, there was not a single trace of hope at dating any of the girls from my sister schools, or any school for that matter. Being terribly shy and lacking any experience with (but bursting with curiosity towards) the opposite gender, I began to gorge on romance novels when all the guys around me were busy with fantasy and sci-fi (if they even read at all). Of course, you don't tell such secrets to even your best buddies for fear of being branded a wuss. My nearly 800-degree-per-eye spectacles that some of you see me wearing occasionally today should give testimony to the amount of reading I did in my growing up years, of which I soon graduated to reading self-help books like "Women Are From Venus; Men Are From Mars", "Everything You Need To Know About Fashion For Gentlemen" and "Writing The Perfect Love Letter". The entry of the World Wide Web in my life was an information overload for me, well not just the pornographic sites, but more the self-initiation into a world of pick-up artists and players. All at 14 years old.

"What a nerd", I bet you readers must be saying. Yes, I was a nerd. If I were in Japan, I'd probably be an otaku myself. Thankfully, some of the socialite charisma from my parents rubbed of me, and interacting with guys was and is still a breeze for me. Among them of course were the really good-looking guys whom all the girls had a crush on, which meant that I had a lot of experience being the wingman i.e. the "other guys" that you never really notice standing around the damn good-looking one. I was literally invited to parties because I made other people look good. Well, I didn't mind then, given that it was better than having no interaction with the female species at all. But there were also those average-looking guys whom I always felt closer to because they were usually more frank and honest about their feelings. After the basketball games matches that happened everyday when the school bell went off, we would talk about basketball, and of course, girls.

Guys do get jealous too, if you ladies thought it was a problem reserved for those on planet V. We would talk about how we could get girls to notice us, to like us. Well, given the wealth of information I had collected over more than half a decade, I began "teaching" them how to pick girls up. The strange thing was that I never even tried doing any of these stuff myself, but I explained method by method like I was an expert. Which was the birth of Fluff Sociology in my life, if I had to pinpoint one occasion. To my own surprise (and pride), my average-looking friends became pretty successful with the ladies, and before long, I was hired to write love letters, solve petty quarrels and recommend gifts for special occasions. I even got paid to write love letters, so there!

As time went by, I got silly nicknames like Doc Love, the Love Guru, Porno King (I'm not going to tell you how I got that stupid nickname), but one that stuck with me was Casanova. It had a nice ring to the name, and soon, I began to use the pseudo-name Valentino Casanova to write more than one romance novel and other short stories for writing competitions. By the time I entered into JC, I could churn romance stories and chick flicks just by sitting in front of a computer, and one by one, unfinished excerpt after unfinished excerpt began to explode as I began to explore my creative nature. But JC life was pretty cruel, and being in a gray uniform with silver buttons was enough to stifle whatever creativity I had till NS.

Just before NS, I was probably the ugliest looking person on earth. Weighing nearly 100kg, with a serious acne problem (sad right, start early end late) and unbelievably long hair with center-parting, no one would believe I was a romance novelist, much less a Casanova. I recorded the slowest 2.4km run in my JC, stuttered when excited and ate pretty much like a pig. NOT a guy any of you ladies would like to go out with.

Then came NS, where I underwent one of the biggest transformations of my life; a makeover, literally. I lost 24kg, toned up my muscles, made it to Officer Cadet School, commissioned by a hair's breadth, and my acne problem disappeared leaving my face 99% scar-less. Anybody would think that this fat, nerdy kid had a wish come through. I thought so too. During my uglier days, I would fantasize about making all the women in the world fall in love with me, IF ONLY I had a six-pack, a perfect complexion, muscle-toned body etc., all of which I attained during my post-NS days. After all, wasn't it a fact that I already had all the head knowledge, and all I needed was a model-prototype body to exercise my fantastic skills?


Wrong.



Until today, I am totally amused by how having the nick "Casanova" on your MSN literally brands one as arrogant or playboyish. But it was only at the end of year one that I realized how useful the nickname was, and that is why I have kept it in spite of the occasional concerned advice by a few of my closer pals to change it. Over the four years in NUS, this nickname has unknowingly filtered out a few guys (who have unbelievably found me threatening) and a whole bunch of women. I shan't talk about the guys; after all, the nickname wasn't meant to filter ANY guy out for that matter, but if it ever did, maybe it was a good thing. The ladies, however, make for interesting thought.


For the record, throughout my university life there has been only two ladies who ever dared to make their interest in me known, and even then, extremely subtle. Most other male juniors I talk to would admit to have at least four or five (I'm in female-saturated faculty, don't forget), not to mention those on my level. Since most single girls assume through my nickname that I'm either attached or a player, most of them never even bothered asking, automatically relegating me from their list of "Potential" to "Forbidden". You might find it a tad strange, but I'm honestly thankful. I have spent more time with church and family than any other stage of my life during these four years with minimum distraction from my commitments to God and my studies, and I have been really blessed since "seeking His kingdom and His righteousness" is so much easier when I'm single AND not having ladies running after me. (Men running after me is no distraction)


I'm a little sadden, but more bemused by the rumors about me being a playboy in school, even in Christian circles. My peeps at church would roar with laughter if they ever knew that such rumors could even exist (except Jason who still thinks I'm damn good with women).



For the record, I only chased one girl throughout my four university years.



So all in all, especially since I would hardly be in school for the next semester, I think it is a good time to retire the nickname from my MSN and Facebook, leaving it as nothing more than a mere pen name.





After all, the only similarity between Casanova and I is our lifelong obsession over the subject of love.













P.S. The real truth is, Victor simply doesn't attract women. He just writes such long blog posts because he doesn't want to admit it.









He who is obsessed by death is made guilty by it. -Elias Canetti

He who is obsessed with love is made guilty by others for it. -Valentino Casanova

-

"Sometimes we wonder if we're still romantically entangled with one of our ex-lovers, especially if we were the dumpee. How long ago it was doesn't really matter, what matters is that when night falls and the streets get a little quieter, our lonely hearts still ache for someone to love, someone to hold, and the loneliness steals a little of the happiness that we had tried to build up over the past week, or even lifetime. But to be frankly honest, until we enter into another new relationship, we are all susceptible to the lie that nobody could have loved us the way he/she did, simply because he/she once chose to do so." -Valentino Casanova (credit to Tams for inspiration +))

In love, unlike most other passions, the recollection of what you have had and lost is always better than what you can hope for in the future. -Henri B. Stendhal

Not Me But God

Praise God, I finally passed my driving test! (With the maximum number of points i.e. borderline pass) I'm so really happy today! *Does a little dance, jiggling around the room, hopping like a silly frog*


Sometimes I'm puzzled by God's erratic timing, and the lessons He desires me to learn through every ordeal that I'm placed under. Every single driving test means so much to me because of the amount of (my parents') money, time and heartache invested into it. Most of my friends told me that it is only when you go in with a Devil-may-care attitude then only will you pass, but I never found myself able to do so because of the high costs involved.


As part of the usual self-evaluation that I do after every event in my life, the success of this test drove me to think: What did I do differently from the other earlier tests? My own answers appeared to be shocking.

I didn't pray as hard.
I didn't improve on my QT in any significant manner.
I didn't think so much or so often about the test.
I didn't talk to so many people about the test.
I didn't promise God anything in exchange for success.
I didn't mentally prepare myself that much.
I only attended two driving classes before the test.

In addition, the other factors considered were:
My final tester was one of the strictest testers the school could offer.
I was stupid enough to burn out my calf muscles during gym two days before the test, especially the left leg which steps on the pedal.
The traffic both on the road and in the circuit was much heavier and more aggressive.
The weather was much hotter and more uncomfortable.
It was the only test which the E-brake was actually tested.



In addition, upon receiving an notification of my success and my thanksgiving to God, a close non-Christian friend of mine casually made this remark. "You also prayed so hard the last three times, no difference what. You might as well have prayed to me." Of course, he meant it as a joke, but it did set me thinking for a little while. Is God real? If He was, why did He not grant me success earlier so as to glorify Himself among my friends, instead choosing to delay it and making my thanksgiving seem like religious rhetoric?


The faith God has given me has served as a worthy shield against the fiery arrows of doubt, but under constant volleys, often I wonder what God wants to instruct me about this time.




And often I'm reminded about a simple fact that my thick skull has found so difficult to absorb. That it is not up to me, but up to God. He will always have the final say. As much as I try, I'll never be able to buy more favor with increased frequency of prayers, more Bible memory verses, or more sacrifices of time and energy in ministry. Because I don't have to.




I wonder how this translates into my love life, given how my earlier 3 driving tests have paralleled in an uncanny manner the three romantic relationships I've had.



4th time blessed. Let's wait and see. +)







Faith is a reasoning trust, a trust which reckons thoughtfully and confidently upon the trustworthiness of God. -John R. Stott

See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed. -God (Isaiah 28:16)

Conversations In My Head

"Girls are ironic creatures."
"You're telling me."
"They always say they want A, and then they go for B."
"What's the problem this time?"
"I don't understand why girls say they want a certain type of guy, then bleed themselves dry running after another type."
"Throw me a bone."
"For example, some girls say they like intelligent and sensitive guys."
"Which girl doesn't?"
"How about ALL?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Because guys with high levels of intuition scare them."
"Huh?"
"I think that intuition requires a certain level of analytical ability and careful observational skills to detail."
"I'm with you on that."
"Okay, let's say you are an intelligent, sensitive guy with intuition."
"I'm not, but okay, go on."
"And you are having a conversation with a girl you like, and you can tell her too much about herself without her having to tell you, she'll freak out."
"Give me an example."
"You can tell that she enjoys alternative rock but the way she taps her feet to Muse, plays either hockey or netball by her complexion and shapely legs, loves pink because most of her pens in her pencil box are pink and wished her boobs were larger through the way her eyes are always fixed on other girls around her with larger cleavages."
"Amazing. But what if you're wrong?"
"What if I'm NOT wrong? And I rarely am, just that I don't have the opportunity to explain in detail how I observed it."
"Then bloody hell, if you're going to sound like a stalker, who won't freak out?"
"Most girls are brought up to think that we guys are too stupid to read their minds. So am I to act stupid just to attract her?"
"Maybe."
"See what I mean?"
"Well you could just keep quiet."
"And leave out a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to impress the girl a little. How's she suppose to know that I'm 'intelligent' and 'sensitive'?"
"Well, I suppose you're going to need a little more time."
"There won't be a next time if I don't even create an impression on her THIS time. That's not all."
"What else is there?"
"Some girls will say that they would like a charming guy."
"I'm certain most girls would agree with that."
"Yes. But it's the same case of wanting one thing but going after another."
"How so?"
"Girls have this impression that 'charming guys', defined as those who have a high level of wit, humor and an above-average voice quality, who is sensitive to the mood and who also is a born entertainer and crowd-pleaser, are usually playboys."
"You can't prove that."
"Think with me. Imagine you're a girl, and you meet this absolutely charming guy who takes a certain interest in you. Now, since most girls don't exactly think too highly about themselves, aren't you going to start thinking that he might be leading you on?"
"Maybe. But that's a defense mechanism what."
"And what are you going to do? Continue rejecting his advances right? And who do you end up with? To whom do your defense mechanisms not go on red alert? An average, non-charming, low-medium intelligence guy who lacks sensitivity and intuition."
"Hey, give 'average' guys like me a chance. We need girlfriends too!"
"That's not my point. I'm just making my point that girls say they want something, and go for another thing. To top it off, they'll stick with this fellow, and complain to all their girlfriends about what an insensitive, unloving, stupid oaf he is."


*Pause*


"You know something. The problem lies with you. You think too highly of yourself. If every girl seemingly makes this mistake, maybe you're really not as charming and intuitive as you think you are after all. Ever wondered if your definition of 'intuition' and 'charming' is totally wrong? For all you know, those guys whom you think don't 'deserve' to get attached: the 'slow', 'idiotic' guy who can't seem to understand what girls want, who lack humor, wit and charm, are really what girls want after all!"





I love these imaginary conversations with Myself. After all, all I have to do is just tell Myself that he's proud, foolish and ignorant, and somehow I'll always convince Myself into silence.






Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. -Solomon (Prov 26:12)

Does Anybody Hear Her?

Can we stop talking among ourselves and be the listening ear for once?


There is a world out there full of people who need Jesus.






You can judge a good listener by asking the talker at the end of the conversation what the listener's position is on the topic. If the talker doesn't know, then the listener has probably done a good job of listening. -Anonymous

Procrastination

AWAY FROM ME YOU DEMON OF PROCRASTINATION!!!!




Sigh. I'm totally suffering from inertia to write 5 full weeks of field reports for my thesis to be submitted to Dr. Hill. I know he isn't the type to push me for them (or anything at all for that matter), but the longer I drag this the more they're going to pile up week after week. Soon, I'll (predictably) have to start fishing for a new excuse to explain the absence of information.

School's starting next week, but the impending 4th driving test is on Friday and it's killing me la. I don't want to fail again! Such an insult to my manhood. Seriously. If any of you are reading this, please pray for me. I know some of you prayed for me the last time and I still failed, but I could always do with some still.


Just out of curiosity, I'm wondering if talking to God can be tiring. There are days when I feel that it can be a total waste of time even spending 5 seconds with God. Today is one of them. Often, it is when there are so many things bombarding my mind, and/or a certain preoccupation with myself and my situations that even focusing on God for a moment is draining. Not a very good way to start the new year if you ask me.

I haven't been writing music either. Plus, Salsa class has stopped for an entire month due to the holiday season, and I haven't been dancing either. School still seems far away, and Facebook so near and convenient to use. It's strange sometimes how just staring at the Live Feed section can be so mesmerizing. Especially if you have more than 1000 friends like me, the Live Feed updates something new almost every 30 seconds!


Just when Meta gave me some encouragement to stop dreaming and start executing, this heavy weight of procrastination just ties my butt to the chair when I know I'm much much happier out of the house, interacting with friends or doing something with a certain aim or goal in mind. It's either my highly exaggerated fear of rejection or unworthiness, or the millstone of procrastination that suppresses the drive within.



I need to get off my butt. But dang, everyone seems so busy (except RJ of course). Argh. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!







Procrastination is my sin. It brings me naught but sorrow. I know that I should stop it. In fact, I will - tomorrow! -Gloria Pitzer

Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing! -Donald Gardner

Christmas Choir Video

Agape Youth Christmas Choir from silentlurker on Vimeo.

Courtesy of Simon Chow! Thanks bro! +)





I love to hear a choir. I love the humanity to see the faces of real people devoting themselves to a piece of music. I like the teamwork. It makes me feel optimistic about the human race when I see them cooperating like that. -Paul McCartney

Praise him, all his angels, praise him, all his heavenly hosts. -David (Psalm 148:2)

New Year, New Resolutions!

Blessed New Year to all! I hope everything's been great so far! 2009 has been a year of honoring God for me, and He has been faithful in so many ways! This period is a testimony to how God blesses abundantly whenever one takes the initiative to trust Him while making their choices. Well, I can't say I have been absolutely faithful and obedient, and there's been plenty of ups and downs, but like they say, what's there to fear when you know the battle's already won? +)

Come to think about it, this is also the first year where my New Year resolutions do not contain anything about studying or completing a course e.g. exams, OCS commissioning etc. I feel so free just to make whatever resolutions I like without having to consider the "damage" to my future if I don't pass this test or if I don't study hard enough.

The recent Meta camp taught me many wonderful lessons. Once again, like it always has, it has reignited my passion for Jesus and the lost, though I hope this desire will continue to be sustained from my daily walk with Him, and not through resource-draining camps all the time. I was reminded about the reason for why He planned for me to study Sociology, join Campus Crusade and do Honors. I can't help but marvel at the architectural beauty of it all.

So, just so all of you who read this and who are part of my life one way of another can keep me accountable, my New Year resolutions are going to be this:

1. Learn to minister in Mandarin fluently. (Japanese and Thai after that)

2. Memorize Bible verses in English and Mandarin (at least one a week)

3. Serve as keyboardist in church, starting in the youth ministry.

4. Get a "9-5 job" preferably in HR (For accumulating experience or capital necessary for full-time mission work or ministry in the future in case God calls)

5. Set up an evangelical music movement.

Come to think about it, all the above would be a daunting task if I were attached, and I'm slowly beginning to understand why He chose to make me single for this season. He also reminded me about the huge attraction deep within me for the marginalized and the lost, and that I have to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a life-long partner. Often, my zeal to aid and empower the weak should not be mixed with my own romantic life; after all, a needy partner would only be a burden and not much of a support should God call me to enter into that section of the mission field. In other words, I have to stop playing the role of a "knight-in-shinning-armor" who is looking for helpless damsels in distress, and instead find a God-sent warrior princess who'll have my back in the midst of the spiritual battlefield.

Despite so much talk, Valentino will probably not get attached this year anyway. As much as he laments about being single to his friends, Valentino is a much happier person single. The apostle Paul was right after all.

Then again, God has this way of pulling His biggest tricks on you when you think you've got Him figured out.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. -Paul (1 Cor 7:32)

Wouldn't it be contradictory for a man to seek God's kingdom and His righteousness because of His desire for a wife from God? If so, then no man who can withstand temptation and who also desires to please God fully should have under his wishlist, a wife. -Valentino Casanova