-

"Sometimes we wonder if we're still romantically entangled with one of our ex-lovers, especially if we were the dumpee. How long ago it was doesn't really matter, what matters is that when night falls and the streets get a little quieter, our lonely hearts still ache for someone to love, someone to hold, and the loneliness steals a little of the happiness that we had tried to build up over the past week, or even lifetime. But to be frankly honest, until we enter into another new relationship, we are all susceptible to the lie that nobody could have loved us the way he/she did, simply because he/she once chose to do so." -Valentino Casanova (credit to Tams for inspiration +))

In love, unlike most other passions, the recollection of what you have had and lost is always better than what you can hope for in the future. -Henri B. Stendhal

Not Me But God

Praise God, I finally passed my driving test! (With the maximum number of points i.e. borderline pass) I'm so really happy today! *Does a little dance, jiggling around the room, hopping like a silly frog*


Sometimes I'm puzzled by God's erratic timing, and the lessons He desires me to learn through every ordeal that I'm placed under. Every single driving test means so much to me because of the amount of (my parents') money, time and heartache invested into it. Most of my friends told me that it is only when you go in with a Devil-may-care attitude then only will you pass, but I never found myself able to do so because of the high costs involved.


As part of the usual self-evaluation that I do after every event in my life, the success of this test drove me to think: What did I do differently from the other earlier tests? My own answers appeared to be shocking.

I didn't pray as hard.
I didn't improve on my QT in any significant manner.
I didn't think so much or so often about the test.
I didn't talk to so many people about the test.
I didn't promise God anything in exchange for success.
I didn't mentally prepare myself that much.
I only attended two driving classes before the test.

In addition, the other factors considered were:
My final tester was one of the strictest testers the school could offer.
I was stupid enough to burn out my calf muscles during gym two days before the test, especially the left leg which steps on the pedal.
The traffic both on the road and in the circuit was much heavier and more aggressive.
The weather was much hotter and more uncomfortable.
It was the only test which the E-brake was actually tested.



In addition, upon receiving an notification of my success and my thanksgiving to God, a close non-Christian friend of mine casually made this remark. "You also prayed so hard the last three times, no difference what. You might as well have prayed to me." Of course, he meant it as a joke, but it did set me thinking for a little while. Is God real? If He was, why did He not grant me success earlier so as to glorify Himself among my friends, instead choosing to delay it and making my thanksgiving seem like religious rhetoric?


The faith God has given me has served as a worthy shield against the fiery arrows of doubt, but under constant volleys, often I wonder what God wants to instruct me about this time.




And often I'm reminded about a simple fact that my thick skull has found so difficult to absorb. That it is not up to me, but up to God. He will always have the final say. As much as I try, I'll never be able to buy more favor with increased frequency of prayers, more Bible memory verses, or more sacrifices of time and energy in ministry. Because I don't have to.




I wonder how this translates into my love life, given how my earlier 3 driving tests have paralleled in an uncanny manner the three romantic relationships I've had.



4th time blessed. Let's wait and see. +)







Faith is a reasoning trust, a trust which reckons thoughtfully and confidently upon the trustworthiness of God. -John R. Stott

See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed. -God (Isaiah 28:16)

Conversations In My Head

"Girls are ironic creatures."
"You're telling me."
"They always say they want A, and then they go for B."
"What's the problem this time?"
"I don't understand why girls say they want a certain type of guy, then bleed themselves dry running after another type."
"Throw me a bone."
"For example, some girls say they like intelligent and sensitive guys."
"Which girl doesn't?"
"How about ALL?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Because guys with high levels of intuition scare them."
"Huh?"
"I think that intuition requires a certain level of analytical ability and careful observational skills to detail."
"I'm with you on that."
"Okay, let's say you are an intelligent, sensitive guy with intuition."
"I'm not, but okay, go on."
"And you are having a conversation with a girl you like, and you can tell her too much about herself without her having to tell you, she'll freak out."
"Give me an example."
"You can tell that she enjoys alternative rock but the way she taps her feet to Muse, plays either hockey or netball by her complexion and shapely legs, loves pink because most of her pens in her pencil box are pink and wished her boobs were larger through the way her eyes are always fixed on other girls around her with larger cleavages."
"Amazing. But what if you're wrong?"
"What if I'm NOT wrong? And I rarely am, just that I don't have the opportunity to explain in detail how I observed it."
"Then bloody hell, if you're going to sound like a stalker, who won't freak out?"
"Most girls are brought up to think that we guys are too stupid to read their minds. So am I to act stupid just to attract her?"
"Maybe."
"See what I mean?"
"Well you could just keep quiet."
"And leave out a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to impress the girl a little. How's she suppose to know that I'm 'intelligent' and 'sensitive'?"
"Well, I suppose you're going to need a little more time."
"There won't be a next time if I don't even create an impression on her THIS time. That's not all."
"What else is there?"
"Some girls will say that they would like a charming guy."
"I'm certain most girls would agree with that."
"Yes. But it's the same case of wanting one thing but going after another."
"How so?"
"Girls have this impression that 'charming guys', defined as those who have a high level of wit, humor and an above-average voice quality, who is sensitive to the mood and who also is a born entertainer and crowd-pleaser, are usually playboys."
"You can't prove that."
"Think with me. Imagine you're a girl, and you meet this absolutely charming guy who takes a certain interest in you. Now, since most girls don't exactly think too highly about themselves, aren't you going to start thinking that he might be leading you on?"
"Maybe. But that's a defense mechanism what."
"And what are you going to do? Continue rejecting his advances right? And who do you end up with? To whom do your defense mechanisms not go on red alert? An average, non-charming, low-medium intelligence guy who lacks sensitivity and intuition."
"Hey, give 'average' guys like me a chance. We need girlfriends too!"
"That's not my point. I'm just making my point that girls say they want something, and go for another thing. To top it off, they'll stick with this fellow, and complain to all their girlfriends about what an insensitive, unloving, stupid oaf he is."


*Pause*


"You know something. The problem lies with you. You think too highly of yourself. If every girl seemingly makes this mistake, maybe you're really not as charming and intuitive as you think you are after all. Ever wondered if your definition of 'intuition' and 'charming' is totally wrong? For all you know, those guys whom you think don't 'deserve' to get attached: the 'slow', 'idiotic' guy who can't seem to understand what girls want, who lack humor, wit and charm, are really what girls want after all!"





I love these imaginary conversations with Myself. After all, all I have to do is just tell Myself that he's proud, foolish and ignorant, and somehow I'll always convince Myself into silence.






Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. -Solomon (Prov 26:12)

Does Anybody Hear Her?

Can we stop talking among ourselves and be the listening ear for once?


There is a world out there full of people who need Jesus.






You can judge a good listener by asking the talker at the end of the conversation what the listener's position is on the topic. If the talker doesn't know, then the listener has probably done a good job of listening. -Anonymous

Procrastination

AWAY FROM ME YOU DEMON OF PROCRASTINATION!!!!




Sigh. I'm totally suffering from inertia to write 5 full weeks of field reports for my thesis to be submitted to Dr. Hill. I know he isn't the type to push me for them (or anything at all for that matter), but the longer I drag this the more they're going to pile up week after week. Soon, I'll (predictably) have to start fishing for a new excuse to explain the absence of information.

School's starting next week, but the impending 4th driving test is on Friday and it's killing me la. I don't want to fail again! Such an insult to my manhood. Seriously. If any of you are reading this, please pray for me. I know some of you prayed for me the last time and I still failed, but I could always do with some still.


Just out of curiosity, I'm wondering if talking to God can be tiring. There are days when I feel that it can be a total waste of time even spending 5 seconds with God. Today is one of them. Often, it is when there are so many things bombarding my mind, and/or a certain preoccupation with myself and my situations that even focusing on God for a moment is draining. Not a very good way to start the new year if you ask me.

I haven't been writing music either. Plus, Salsa class has stopped for an entire month due to the holiday season, and I haven't been dancing either. School still seems far away, and Facebook so near and convenient to use. It's strange sometimes how just staring at the Live Feed section can be so mesmerizing. Especially if you have more than 1000 friends like me, the Live Feed updates something new almost every 30 seconds!


Just when Meta gave me some encouragement to stop dreaming and start executing, this heavy weight of procrastination just ties my butt to the chair when I know I'm much much happier out of the house, interacting with friends or doing something with a certain aim or goal in mind. It's either my highly exaggerated fear of rejection or unworthiness, or the millstone of procrastination that suppresses the drive within.



I need to get off my butt. But dang, everyone seems so busy (except RJ of course). Argh. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!







Procrastination is my sin. It brings me naught but sorrow. I know that I should stop it. In fact, I will - tomorrow! -Gloria Pitzer

Do you know what happens when you give a procrastinator a good idea? Nothing! -Donald Gardner

Christmas Choir Video

Agape Youth Christmas Choir from silentlurker on Vimeo.

Courtesy of Simon Chow! Thanks bro! +)





I love to hear a choir. I love the humanity to see the faces of real people devoting themselves to a piece of music. I like the teamwork. It makes me feel optimistic about the human race when I see them cooperating like that. -Paul McCartney

Praise him, all his angels, praise him, all his heavenly hosts. -David (Psalm 148:2)

New Year, New Resolutions!

Blessed New Year to all! I hope everything's been great so far! 2009 has been a year of honoring God for me, and He has been faithful in so many ways! This period is a testimony to how God blesses abundantly whenever one takes the initiative to trust Him while making their choices. Well, I can't say I have been absolutely faithful and obedient, and there's been plenty of ups and downs, but like they say, what's there to fear when you know the battle's already won? +)

Come to think about it, this is also the first year where my New Year resolutions do not contain anything about studying or completing a course e.g. exams, OCS commissioning etc. I feel so free just to make whatever resolutions I like without having to consider the "damage" to my future if I don't pass this test or if I don't study hard enough.

The recent Meta camp taught me many wonderful lessons. Once again, like it always has, it has reignited my passion for Jesus and the lost, though I hope this desire will continue to be sustained from my daily walk with Him, and not through resource-draining camps all the time. I was reminded about the reason for why He planned for me to study Sociology, join Campus Crusade and do Honors. I can't help but marvel at the architectural beauty of it all.

So, just so all of you who read this and who are part of my life one way of another can keep me accountable, my New Year resolutions are going to be this:

1. Learn to minister in Mandarin fluently. (Japanese and Thai after that)

2. Memorize Bible verses in English and Mandarin (at least one a week)

3. Serve as keyboardist in church, starting in the youth ministry.

4. Get a "9-5 job" preferably in HR (For accumulating experience or capital necessary for full-time mission work or ministry in the future in case God calls)

5. Set up an evangelical music movement.

Come to think about it, all the above would be a daunting task if I were attached, and I'm slowly beginning to understand why He chose to make me single for this season. He also reminded me about the huge attraction deep within me for the marginalized and the lost, and that I have to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a life-long partner. Often, my zeal to aid and empower the weak should not be mixed with my own romantic life; after all, a needy partner would only be a burden and not much of a support should God call me to enter into that section of the mission field. In other words, I have to stop playing the role of a "knight-in-shinning-armor" who is looking for helpless damsels in distress, and instead find a God-sent warrior princess who'll have my back in the midst of the spiritual battlefield.

Despite so much talk, Valentino will probably not get attached this year anyway. As much as he laments about being single to his friends, Valentino is a much happier person single. The apostle Paul was right after all.

Then again, God has this way of pulling His biggest tricks on you when you think you've got Him figured out.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. -Paul (1 Cor 7:32)

Wouldn't it be contradictory for a man to seek God's kingdom and His righteousness because of His desire for a wife from God? If so, then no man who can withstand temptation and who also desires to please God fully should have under his wishlist, a wife. -Valentino Casanova