It's been a long time since I last blogged. I've started to realize that I blog only when I'm sad or feeling lonely. It's a little like prayer ain't it? You only turn to God when you're sad or feeling down, but other times when you are busy or feeling happy, you become unaware of His presence anymore.
But sometimes I must admit that blogging is pretty tiring. But it's all about starting to type those few first paragraphs, then everything will pour out. That's why you readers might see that though I don't blog often, each one is pretty long...
Yes, I have been busy, and yes I have been really happy the past few days while my blog has been silent. And yes, your're right again if you think I'm sad right now. Not exactly sad, just a mixture of feelings. And you're scored full marks if you guessed that the cause of it all is a girl.
Why is it that girls have a way of tugging a guy's heartstrings all the time? Okay, admittedly there are differences in the degree to how hard they pull, but I'll be lying if I say that such strings don't exist.
Her name is G. What do you want to know about her? Hmmmm... How we first met? My earlier blogs might have traces of loneliness scribbled all over them, and I had been praying very hard for God to relieve this hollow feelings that has been plaguing me since Grace left my life. And one day, I just noticed her in church. It was like BOOM! It just hit me.
It was not loved at first sight. When I noticed her, it was her 2nd time to the church and the youth group already. The first week I just said hi, chatted a bit with her, but never took notice of anything special about her at all. Then on the 2nd week she came, I noticed her talking to my grandma in Cantonese. She was both smiling at me and entertaining the old lady while I carried out the usual routine of bringing snacks for her after the main service. I realized that she was beautiful, and had a mesmerizing smile that I didn't notice the week before. Then one of the youth jokingly commented that my grandma had just matchmaked the both of us. It was a really embarrassing moment for the both myself and G, but we took it with a pinch of salt, and carried on what we were doing.
But I had to have her number. She was a newcomer after all, and newcomers don't usually stay in the youth group for very long. I could use the pretext of getting to know her better and keep in contact. No one would suspect anything. Or so I thought. But there were people watching and some of them believed that I have broken out of my shell at last.
I kept her number in my phone, but didn't sms her till the later half of next week. We chatted amicably, but there was a kind of closeness in the air already. That week I recalled finishing work kind of early and then meeting her at Tanjong Pagar MRT station to have a drink and a chat at my place. I was surprised she agreed, and so we did. I introduced her to my father who came back home to cook dinner that day, and she handled the situation perfectly. It had to be that smile of hers...
Well, many people now mistake G and I to be together, but we strongly believe that relationships are decided by God, and only if HE gives the green light will we then continue. Right now, we're both praying for God's answer, and bit by bit, it's starting to show. But we don't want to jump the gun, because both of us have been emotionally hurt very badly in our last relationship, and we don't want to get too intimate lest God does not feel that we should be together.
But I have to admit I'm really happy around her. For one, she makes me feel loved even in public, until recently something happened that led to our first unhappy event. On our way home from Orchard one weekday, we were teasing one another on the bus before one of her ex-boyfriend's classmates boarded the bus. The moment she saw him, she ducked behind the seat, not wanting to be seen with me.
Later she explained that her friends in school still think that she and her ex-boyfriend were still together, and that this particular classmate happened to be a huge gossiper. She didn't want her reputation tarnished and be branded a two-timer, she said. When she said that, my heart sank.
I dunno if I deserved to be angry, but on-the-spot I have to admit I was very sad. We didn't talk all the way to Clementi bus interchange, and I could tell she knew she had said something that made me become very cold. She even bought me a warm cream bun hoping to melt the icyness in my heart, but at that point of time nothing she did could alleviate the hurt in my heart. When her bus came, she looked at me for a while, then turned and left to board the bus. I badly wanted to hold her hand, kiss her and tell her I'm fine, but something held me back from doing that. My age-old habit. Pride.
Something in me told me that I wanted her to hurt inside as badly as I felt myself. There were even doubts in my heart that maybe she was two-timing me despite everything she has said over the past few weeks. Why didn't her school people know that she had broken up with her ex already? It has already been 3 months since that happened, or was she still behaving very intimately with him in school for them to think so? Maybe.
HEY VICTOR~!! WAKE UP~!! You're thinking too much again! But... but... I honestly don't see the logic in her explaination... Or is it that I don't want to? Was she just afraid of losing face upon admitting that her ex had dumped her already? Or did she still have feelings for him? Well, I should have known! So many people have warned me about entering a relationship with someone who had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend. Hell, if she can't forget him even with me around, then she can have him! I have other girls who are willing to do anything just to be with me, I don't think she's that important anyway!
It's amazing how so many thoughts can run through your mind at one time. No wonder they say that Satan's most powerful weapon is jealousy. You can actually hear his voice speaking in your ear. Just look at the paragraph above! And you know what? I get jealous really easily. I think too much, people say. I have to admit that I spend alot of effort preventing myself from doing stupid things that would hurt other people's feelings when I am jealous. And jealousy cuts deeper than alot of other emotions. I could feel the knife plunging through me all the way home that day.
We've sms each other that night apologizing for the things that happened that day. But I have the bad habit of admitting it's my fault when sometimes it just isn't. Sooner than later, it'll seem like every bad thing that happened in the relationship is my fault. My pride still tells me to move on, but my heart tells me that I'll never find another girl like G the rest of my life. She is so wonderful, so different from Grace, so... so... loving. She agrees with everything I say about God and about life. She says she will travel with me anywhere if it is for God's sake. She also says that she will release me if God declares that I'm not the one.
I still am at a loss of how to feel and what to do.
One thought still holds steadfast in my mind.
SHE'S NOT YOURS YET. AT LEAST NOT TILL I SAY SO.
Yes Lord, your servant is listening. Give the order and I shall obey.