Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Absolute Anguish

Dear Lord,

My heart is troubled, in absolute anguish. You suddenly seem so distant, I can no longer hear Your voice clearly.  I turn to Your Word again and again to find the relief that I long for, like water to satisfy a raging thirst within. But the silence thunders against my soul. I know not where to begin; I know not what to pray for.

Condemnation weighs heavily upon me. My walk, once sprightly and happy, has suddenly become shackled. My trembling shoulders can barely support what seems like a huge demon sitting on them, whose hands cover my ears, whose feet strangle my throat, whose words penetrate my feeble mind.

Father, I had no excuse to sin. What I did was wrong, I had disobeyed You. I allowed years of unbridled pride to consume me, years of hidden lust to destroy me in a moment. An unending flow of regret drowns my soul. Guided by Your counsel, I sought forgiveness from You and those dearest to me. But in my shame, I dare not ask You to remove this terrible consequence inflicted upon my life. After all, I had done wrong in Your sight, and discipline is certainly in order. Should I plead for mercy or should I suffer it as I should? I do not know. I wish I could cry out with full certainty, like Your servant David did, "Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God!"

I only know that I am a shadow of myself. Laughter is entwined with guilt, humour is made rigid by fear, joy is stifled by worry. Having to step down from my roles in church has a crippling effect. My voice, gifted to arouse praise, has been silenced. My talents, bestowed to raise spirits, have been shelved. My mind, blessed to lead and teach, has been shackled. My heart, privileged to hear Your voice, has been thrown into confusion and fear. My personal worship is plagued by hypocrisy: "See, he lifts his hands on high, as if to worship! But how would God ever accept the worship of a sinner such as he, one whose actions only signify no remorse?"

Sealing this pain is a guilt that thus far I have selfishly focused on my own anguish and the fading away of my own dreams. That I have no empathy for those I have pulled down into the gully with me. But Lord, You know that I wish to pray for them, and I have indeed tried, but can mumble little until Your truth is finally revealed.

I will wait for You, Lord. Till then, grant my soul peace and my heart patience until Your work is complete within me.

N.B.: As I was writing the above letter to Lord, I was down with a bout of flu into its third day.  Then my Bible suddenly flipped to Psalms 38:

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
Your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down on me.
Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin
My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. 
All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.
My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.
Those who want to kill me set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
 all day long they scheme and lie. 
I am like the deaf, who cannot hear, like the mute, who cannot speak;
I have become like one who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.
Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.
For I said, “Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.” 
For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
Many have become my enemies without cause; those who hate me without reason are numerous.
Those who repay my good with evil lodge accusations against me, though I seek only to do what is good. 
 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.

Monday, January 09, 2012

A Heart on Fire: Kindling from Jim Elliot

This year, oh, Lord, set my heart on fire. Ignite my spirit with Your holiness and Your passion. May my life be kindling to start fires in the hearts and minds of all I encounter.

- My New Year Resolution Prayer, inspired by Jim Elliot

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Gentleman and the Player

I know I shouldn't be thinking about you. It's been a long time since my mind has been filled by one woman alone. Usually the object of my desire is vague, imaginary, molded and shaped to fit my emotions as I see fit. It's unfamiliar, frightening really. I hate to think that I've lost control of where my mind goes, like an archer who has lost his focus on the bulls eye.

I know deep down inside you can't be The One. So many things can go wrong dating a woman like you, even if you claim to be a Christian. I'm so sure of that, yet we haven't even gone out even once. I have nothing but your number and the memory of how you charmed me that fateful night, when I least expected it.

The rational, religious side of me, usually so dominant and in control is suddenly drowned out by a torrent of emotions buried far too long. My only salvation lies in the fact that you aren't replying my messages anymore. God usually ensures that the doors to all paths He does not want me to go down are shut in my face to leave no trace of doubt; a necessary move to eradicate the headstrong, stubborn nature in me. My pride seals the door shut; I won't communicate with you anymore than you want to with me.

And so it ends there.

Yet one tiny part of me still secretly hopes you'd reply me, the part of me that reaches for my Blackberry every time the little orange light flickers. It's a nostalgic feeling of teenage anxiety coupled with childish impatience. The fodder is only added when I consider the possibility of being emotionally manipulated into waiting till the very last minute.

I further entertain the thought of the Gentleman's code of conduct steep within me, to avoid the Player's Game, the Bad Boy manoeuvres, the Mr. Darcy attitude which have proven themselves so loyal and true.

But then again, being a Gentleman has never brought me anywhere. Yet this time, I can only simply wait until my heart calms down and I move along with life again.


Sunday, November 13, 2011


My ego is not big enough to perceive myself as God's gift to all womankind.

But it's large enough to think I'm good enough for that one special woman who loves God so very much to trust Him to produce a dream partner for her.

But with such a mentality, my singleness can only mean that I'm not good enough to be a dream partner, or my partner is not good enough yet.

My ego helps me maintain the legibility of the former belief, because only with such arrogance can I ever expect to improve myself with sheer determination and self-will. I'm never good enough, I need to aim for perfection, and as such no one can possibility be good enough for me.

You won't believe how an inferiority complex drives action so prideful that the final result is simply loneliness and misery.

Then again, perfection cannot comprise of these unacceptable elements. And therefore, I take a deep breath, submerge these emotions under my conscience, and tell God to take a break from being my crutch.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


Saw a picture of you today.  You look so thin, so frail, so... helpless.

It took me whatever remaining willpower that I had left from the day to just pull my eyes away from the photo.  How I long to hold you in my arms, to shield you from the world, to assure you softly that everything will be alright...

Then I realize, after so long, you're still haunting me.  And I have only myself to blame.  Swamping myself with work to drown out that inner voice within me ever gently coaxing me to let go, let go.

Let go.  Oh me, please let go.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Hey There Lonely Girl

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

Ever since he broke your heart you seem so lost
Each time you pass my way
How I long to take your hand
And say don't cry, I'll kiss your tears away

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
don't you know this lonely boy loves you

You think that only his two lips can kiss your lips
And make your heart stand still
But once you're in my arms you'll see
No one can kiss your lips the way I will

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely girl loves you
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Happy birthday... to me. +)