Absolute Anguish

Dear Lord,

My heart is troubled, in absolute anguish. You suddenly seem so distant, I can no longer hear Your voice clearly.  I turn to Your Word again and again to find the relief that I long for, like water to satisfy a raging thirst within. But the silence thunders against my soul. I know not where to begin; I know not what to pray for.

Condemnation weighs heavily upon me. My walk, once sprightly and happy, has suddenly become shackled. My trembling shoulders can barely support what seems like a huge demon sitting on them, whose hands cover my ears, whose feet strangle my throat, whose words penetrate my feeble mind.

Father, I had no excuse to sin. What I did was wrong, I had disobeyed You. I allowed years of unbridled pride to consume me, years of hidden lust to destroy me in a moment. An unending flow of regret drowns my soul. Guided by Your counsel, I sought forgiveness from You and those dearest to me. But in my shame, I dare not ask You to remove this terrible consequence inflicted upon my life. After all, I had done wrong in Your sight, and discipline is certainly in order. Should I plead for mercy or should I suffer it as I should? I do not know. I wish I could cry out with full certainty, like Your servant David did, "Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God!"

I only know that I am a shadow of myself. Laughter is entwined with guilt, humour is made rigid by fear, joy is stifled by worry. Having to step down from my roles in church has a crippling effect. My voice, gifted to arouse praise, has been silenced. My talents, bestowed to raise spirits, have been shelved. My mind, blessed to lead and teach, has been shackled. My heart, privileged to hear Your voice, has been thrown into confusion and fear. My personal worship is plagued by hypocrisy: "See, he lifts his hands on high, as if to worship! But how would God ever accept the worship of a sinner such as he, one whose actions only signify no remorse?"

Sealing this pain is a guilt that thus far I have selfishly focused on my own anguish and the fading away of my own dreams. That I have no empathy for those I have pulled down into the gully with me. But Lord, You know that I wish to pray for them, and I have indeed tried, but can mumble little until Your truth is finally revealed.

I will wait for You, Lord. Till then, grant my soul peace and my heart patience until Your work is complete within me.


N.B.: As I was writing the above letter to Lord, I was down with a bout of flu into its third day.  Then my Bible suddenly flipped to Psalms 38:

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.

Your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down on me.

Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin

My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.

My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.

I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.

My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.

I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. 

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.

My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.

Those who want to kill me set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin;

 all day long they scheme and lie. 

I am like the deaf, who cannot hear, like the mute, who cannot speak;

I have become like one who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.

Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.

For I said, “Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.” 

For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.

I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.

Many have become my enemies without cause; those who hate me without reason are numerous.

Those who repay my good with evil lodge accusations against me, though I seek only to do what is good. 

 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God.

Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.

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