Popped by a Christian bookstore after dinner with Thomas at Raffles City foodcourt. There was a book for sale, $19.00, which was entitled "The Bride". It was supposedly a book for disillusioned Christians who are unhappy about the way the things were going about for them in their church. Sounded pretty relevant to me, so I flipped it open and begin browsing through it.
Yes, I am unhappy. And it has been that way ever since I felt a calling to be a leader in the Agape Youth. Or a so-called leader. I've never actually contributed anything but hot air and unrealistic dreams. In my opinion, the youth's potential was never expounded on. And I'm not young anymore. I'm actually too old to be part of the youth any longer. But it's really painful to see that the calling that I felt for so long in my hearts was never really answered.
Evangelism. The Great Commission. The power of the Holy Spirit to turn the world upside down. The passion of youth. The naivete and innocence to go forth and do God's bidding without holding back or questioning. The spirit of a warrior and fighter equipped with the armor of God rushing into battle with the demons of the Hell. And winning.
I don't sense it at all with the youth. People come and people go. Leaders come and leaders go. But nothing changes. The people who come are those who were brought up their entire life in church. Those who aren't, can be counted on one hand. Are we unsuccessful? Maybe. But with a God like ours who is almighty and omnipotent, what are we afraid of?
Then it hit me.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT DOING ANYTHING.
Remember, God gave YOU the calling. But you've practically thrown it away. You've disowned it. You left it at the corner of your mind, hoping that it'll disappear by itself. You feel it during quiet time or when the passion of Christ overwhelms you, but you push it away, imagining that it isn't there. You know God's been calling you to behave like His child. But you behave like an idiot. Ignorant. Unmoving. Like a REAL BASTARD.
Who ever told you that you needed to be in the leadership to fulfil this calling? Did God say He'll anoint you? No. Then what are you waiting for? Is your pride to great to beg for a chance to help out? Yes. So that's it, Victor. You're too arrogant. You want people to INVITE you to help them. You want to feel needed, loved, appreciated. Are you that deprived? Did your parents not shower you with enough love and care to actually behaved is such a shamful manner? Did GOD not show you enough of HIS love? Aren't you priviledged? There are people out there in the world who have no parents, or do not know God personally, but don't behave one bit like you. You self-pitiful shithead. Go wallow in your own sorrows, swine. No one is going to join you. Even Grace could see that you're not good enough for her. God sent His Son to die for you on the cross, but you could feel that THAT wasn't enough? You ungrateful bastard. Is it too much that He gave you a calling and you go out and perform what you could without wanting a piece of the leadership?
I looked back, and a sinking feeling filled my soul. Honestly, I've never done anything for the youth. I haven't done anything for my non-Christian friends. I was actually CONTENTED to see all of them go to HELL. I knew The Way to Heaven, but I didn't share it with anyone. I believe that I could feel God's love within me, but that it never was strong enough to convict me of preaching the Word.
Rubbish. Stop fibbing and lying to yourself. There's no need to blame God. YOU were never interested in anything more that bringing attention to YOUSELF. You're sick do you know that? You're attention-deficient. Everything that you've done in your life is to attract people's attention towards yourself, and when that doesn't work, you wallow in your own self-pity. What a loser.
Okay okay. So maybe that's it. I'm so loser. The kind with the big "L" on my forehead and a "Kick Me" signed stuck to the back of my shirt. But aren't there people in the world much worst off then me? What about them?
They don't matter. As long as you do anything wrong, it hurts God. Very much. Everything someone sins, he nails Jesus' hands to the cross.
Ouch.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Dancing the Night Away
The work at my unit is piling up higher and higher, so I'm kinda getting busier everyday. But that's a good thing. I prefer having a pre-occupied mind than a dull and lazy one. Sorta feel healthier too... Haha... Thank God that I'm building good rapport with my co-workers and signallers. Though I don't have the toilet humour of my upper-study, I guess it's also good coZ people see me as a serious worker and a no nonsense leader, unlike the way they view my upper-study.
He just went Zouk tonight. Inside me I also wished I had the money to go and party the night away, it's Mambo Night after all... But another side of me tells me that people who go there are depressed people. They are searching for something that is out of this world, and the closest they get (without taking drugs) is this uncannily potent mixture of blaring music, strong alcohol and a place crammed full of strangers with sensuality filling the air. The music is suggestively sexual, and perspiration, cigarette smoke plus flashing lights only add to the glamor of a paradise not found on earth.
But rarely do they find it. They come close, very close actually, that's why they are drawn to it in a unique way. Even I myself sometimes visit those places. Once in a while I'll steal off on a Saturday night to Double O's at Muhammed Sultan to dance the night away to my favourite Retro tunes like "Dancing Queen", "Square Rooms" and "Livin' on a Prayer". I really like those kind of music, and clubbing gives me the chance to dance in any manner I'm comfortable with. It brings out some 'happiness" in me, albeit a short-lived one. But the people I see there sometimes scare me. The deaden look in their eyes, or the flashing anger, or the ferocious sexual appetite building up in them.
The neon lights have a special way of making people look sexier. It also creates mystery because you can't see that stranger on the other end of the dance floor very clearly, but you know that she has a voluptous figure, and she's looking right at you... The tension and excitement it creates is stunning, and the illusions and expectations that wet your appetite come pouring in your mind, with the suggestive lyrics of the songs and the hynotizing effects of the bass knocking out any trace of common sense in your head. How can someone resist something like that? It's difficult you know... That's when God's strength is required. But sometimes, I worry for myself when will be the next time I go back to clubbing again. That urge is building up everyday, and I always convince myself that I'm going there because I love retro music, but a small voice in my head rebukes me because that's not purely the only reason why I go there...
Sigh.. Clubbing... Should I go or not? Sometimes. I just think it's because I'm lonely. I need someone to pamper... Someone to love me in return... But I cannot say it out loud for... Am I any lesser a man if I do?
He just went Zouk tonight. Inside me I also wished I had the money to go and party the night away, it's Mambo Night after all... But another side of me tells me that people who go there are depressed people. They are searching for something that is out of this world, and the closest they get (without taking drugs) is this uncannily potent mixture of blaring music, strong alcohol and a place crammed full of strangers with sensuality filling the air. The music is suggestively sexual, and perspiration, cigarette smoke plus flashing lights only add to the glamor of a paradise not found on earth.
But rarely do they find it. They come close, very close actually, that's why they are drawn to it in a unique way. Even I myself sometimes visit those places. Once in a while I'll steal off on a Saturday night to Double O's at Muhammed Sultan to dance the night away to my favourite Retro tunes like "Dancing Queen", "Square Rooms" and "Livin' on a Prayer". I really like those kind of music, and clubbing gives me the chance to dance in any manner I'm comfortable with. It brings out some 'happiness" in me, albeit a short-lived one. But the people I see there sometimes scare me. The deaden look in their eyes, or the flashing anger, or the ferocious sexual appetite building up in them.
The neon lights have a special way of making people look sexier. It also creates mystery because you can't see that stranger on the other end of the dance floor very clearly, but you know that she has a voluptous figure, and she's looking right at you... The tension and excitement it creates is stunning, and the illusions and expectations that wet your appetite come pouring in your mind, with the suggestive lyrics of the songs and the hynotizing effects of the bass knocking out any trace of common sense in your head. How can someone resist something like that? It's difficult you know... That's when God's strength is required. But sometimes, I worry for myself when will be the next time I go back to clubbing again. That urge is building up everyday, and I always convince myself that I'm going there because I love retro music, but a small voice in my head rebukes me because that's not purely the only reason why I go there...
Sigh.. Clubbing... Should I go or not? Sometimes. I just think it's because I'm lonely. I need someone to pamper... Someone to love me in return... But I cannot say it out loud for... Am I any lesser a man if I do?
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Stress-O-Meter
Just back from a 4-day-3-night outfield with a fantastic tan on my face. How not to, given that I was out there in the middle of the sea on a boat without shade, a ferry barge, to be more accurate. It's simply a form of military transport used to bring 5-tonners and cranes over water bodies. Pretty cool.
Anyway, enough about the military. I'm stuck with it for most of the week and I don't think anyone is interested in it. Experience tells me that. If you are, drop me a line and MAYBE I'll answer your queries. 'Coz even I have no interest in it. Haha.
I'm getting fatter already. Or so I think, though the weighing machine tells me I'm fine. But people say that, "You are what you think." So I better not think that I'm fat anymore. Wait till I suddenly turn into a fat blubber of oily lard. Quite possible you know. Nicholas is already halfway there.
The world is lacking of optimism in people's life. Everyone is so depressed because of something happening in school, at work, or at home. And most of the time these people don't even have any realistic basis to support what they're feeling! Their boss gives them a new assignment, and their next complaint is that he or she is overloading them with too much work, and the stress is getting on their nerves. They forget that they're doing exactly the same amount of work as twenty other people in the office cubicles next to them. I'm not surprised if they're doing less even.
Depression is everywhere. It's a plague, a terrorist that has struck so successfully in the lives of so many people in the world. It's contagious, a disease so terrible and complex more than three quarters of the world's population goes to bed every night suffering from its symptoms: Frequent nightmares, insomnia, sweating and shivering uncontrollably, fear of ghosts and spirits, weeping, feeling absolutely lonely and unloved, headaches etc. Quite terrible actually. And that's also just the surface of the side effects that depression can cause. Eventually, madness and suicidal thoughts can follow.
Heh.. Talk like I know alot huh? Especially coming from someone who takes less than 5 mins to concuss after lying on the bed. I know 'coz my family members are facing problems with depression. Here's a summary and breakdown of the situations they are in.
Dad is fine, on the outside. But he's pretty worried and stress about keeping the family fed. Can't really blame him though, he's suffered the trauma of retrenchment in a company that he thought would keep him till retirement. Much of what he does now are small projects to keep the family pockets with a steady flow of cash. Overall, he's pretty okay. Depress-o-meter rates him at below average level of depression at 4/10.
Mum is doing quite badly though. Her work is pretty fine, and actually I think she finds her self-worth there. My brothers usually make her feel quite worthless at home. Can't blame her for feeling like a maid at times. She adds stress to herself by worrying for Nicholas' grades in school, and the apparent rebellion he's showing to her "invading" his privacy and his right to make decisions. Even after 2 boys before him, she stills cannot get accustomed to the fact that he's a teenager now and wants to lead his own life. It's alot worse than how I put it, and it might be hard to believe so because she seems pretty happy bustling along with her own things, especially in church. But as her son, I see things that people never see... Depress-o-meter rates her at a pretty high level of depression at 8/10.
Andrew is a typical self-stressed person. It seems like he's trying to make up for the earlier part of his life when he was a totally heck-care person. Now he's overdoing it he can actually go into a state of depression without external stimuli. Now that's crazy. An example is his obvious extreme metrosexuality. His vanity knows no bounds and his beauty knowledge so vast he can actually be a qualified dermatologist. He spends most of his time seeking to beautify himself or lamenting that he can never be considered good-looking. Well, to me he's absolutely fine. Now that he's just pulled out four pre-molars and put on braces, my family and I can expect alot of brimstone and hellfire from him for these few weeks, months maybe. Depress-o-meter rates him at a dangerous level of depression at 9/10.
Nicholas seems to be living the heck-care lifestyle that Andrew led when he was in secondary school. He is rarely seen doing any homework and is always arguing with my mom about the most trivial of matters. It saddens me to see MY own brother treating life with such disdain, and with so little love and concern for the people around him. His depression hits strongly only when he doesn't get his way, like a spoilt child. His strength is pretty unmatched in the family, and so he resorts to violence once in a while just to "show who's boss". Good thing he doesn't dare to mess around when I'm home. Depress-o-meter rates him at an insignificant 1/10 when he's in a good mood, but an average of 5/10 when someone pisses him off.
Hmm.. I talk alot right? But it'll be good if someone could grade me though. I wonder what my depression level looks like to people around me.
Going for a run now, maybe to the new church venue and back. If I'm lucky I might meet Andrew on the way there. Outta here!
Anyway, enough about the military. I'm stuck with it for most of the week and I don't think anyone is interested in it. Experience tells me that. If you are, drop me a line and MAYBE I'll answer your queries. 'Coz even I have no interest in it. Haha.
I'm getting fatter already. Or so I think, though the weighing machine tells me I'm fine. But people say that, "You are what you think." So I better not think that I'm fat anymore. Wait till I suddenly turn into a fat blubber of oily lard. Quite possible you know. Nicholas is already halfway there.
The world is lacking of optimism in people's life. Everyone is so depressed because of something happening in school, at work, or at home. And most of the time these people don't even have any realistic basis to support what they're feeling! Their boss gives them a new assignment, and their next complaint is that he or she is overloading them with too much work, and the stress is getting on their nerves. They forget that they're doing exactly the same amount of work as twenty other people in the office cubicles next to them. I'm not surprised if they're doing less even.
Depression is everywhere. It's a plague, a terrorist that has struck so successfully in the lives of so many people in the world. It's contagious, a disease so terrible and complex more than three quarters of the world's population goes to bed every night suffering from its symptoms: Frequent nightmares, insomnia, sweating and shivering uncontrollably, fear of ghosts and spirits, weeping, feeling absolutely lonely and unloved, headaches etc. Quite terrible actually. And that's also just the surface of the side effects that depression can cause. Eventually, madness and suicidal thoughts can follow.
Heh.. Talk like I know alot huh? Especially coming from someone who takes less than 5 mins to concuss after lying on the bed. I know 'coz my family members are facing problems with depression. Here's a summary and breakdown of the situations they are in.
Dad is fine, on the outside. But he's pretty worried and stress about keeping the family fed. Can't really blame him though, he's suffered the trauma of retrenchment in a company that he thought would keep him till retirement. Much of what he does now are small projects to keep the family pockets with a steady flow of cash. Overall, he's pretty okay. Depress-o-meter rates him at below average level of depression at 4/10.
Mum is doing quite badly though. Her work is pretty fine, and actually I think she finds her self-worth there. My brothers usually make her feel quite worthless at home. Can't blame her for feeling like a maid at times. She adds stress to herself by worrying for Nicholas' grades in school, and the apparent rebellion he's showing to her "invading" his privacy and his right to make decisions. Even after 2 boys before him, she stills cannot get accustomed to the fact that he's a teenager now and wants to lead his own life. It's alot worse than how I put it, and it might be hard to believe so because she seems pretty happy bustling along with her own things, especially in church. But as her son, I see things that people never see... Depress-o-meter rates her at a pretty high level of depression at 8/10.
Andrew is a typical self-stressed person. It seems like he's trying to make up for the earlier part of his life when he was a totally heck-care person. Now he's overdoing it he can actually go into a state of depression without external stimuli. Now that's crazy. An example is his obvious extreme metrosexuality. His vanity knows no bounds and his beauty knowledge so vast he can actually be a qualified dermatologist. He spends most of his time seeking to beautify himself or lamenting that he can never be considered good-looking. Well, to me he's absolutely fine. Now that he's just pulled out four pre-molars and put on braces, my family and I can expect alot of brimstone and hellfire from him for these few weeks, months maybe. Depress-o-meter rates him at a dangerous level of depression at 9/10.
Nicholas seems to be living the heck-care lifestyle that Andrew led when he was in secondary school. He is rarely seen doing any homework and is always arguing with my mom about the most trivial of matters. It saddens me to see MY own brother treating life with such disdain, and with so little love and concern for the people around him. His depression hits strongly only when he doesn't get his way, like a spoilt child. His strength is pretty unmatched in the family, and so he resorts to violence once in a while just to "show who's boss". Good thing he doesn't dare to mess around when I'm home. Depress-o-meter rates him at an insignificant 1/10 when he's in a good mood, but an average of 5/10 when someone pisses him off.
Hmm.. I talk alot right? But it'll be good if someone could grade me though. I wonder what my depression level looks like to people around me.
Going for a run now, maybe to the new church venue and back. If I'm lucky I might meet Andrew on the way there. Outta here!
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