Community Service and Revival

As I sat down for the post-Christmas celebrations with the migrant worker service at Fairfield today, I was informed about a wonderful news. Maybe I'm a little slow to receive this, and some of you might already know about it, but good news it is! China is currently experiencing a spiritual revival!

Sure, I was told about the Christian community growing, but I never knew that a spiritual revival was occurring. It was fantastic news to me! So many people in China are receiving Christ everyday, despite the authorities desperately clamping down on missionaries and church leaders. In some provinces, there are so many Christians that churches are erected in public and authorities can do nothing about it! Well, I should rephrase that sentence a little: Federal authorities are more than happy to welcome the burgeoning Christian community because of the social aid that it provides for the people. Of course, the national government doesn't like it because it goes against certain anti-religion laws set forth by the Maoist state instruments, and also it's potential for grouping unhappy, unemployed Chinese workers against the capitalist-transforming state, but on the ground little is (or can actually be) done to prevent the massive growth.

What we Singaporeans can learn from this is simply the issue of social justice. Although I'm from Campus Crusade and am a pretty outspoken Christian, I never really believed in the effectiveness of street evangelism. I mean, it's a good program to get Christians involved in church activities and exposing them to the lack of courage in most of us towards sharing the gospel with a total stranger. Instead, I believe in the effectiveness of community service. Christianity, in my opinion, grew not as a bunch of fervent people pulling people off the street and pressing the gospel in their faces, but through simple acts of kindness. Face-to-face evangelism might save a life at that point of time, but a lifetime of loving kindness and acts of goodness saves a lot more. Even Jesus taught about His Heavenly Father only after healing people of their sicknesses and raising their dead. After all, He wasn't a naturally charismatic guy like many of us think Him to be. But His love was the foundation of His irresistible charm. He attracted people simply by His love.

Therefore, Christian revivals all around the world must begin from acts of service to the community. During the Acts of the Apostles in the Middle East, during the Methodist uprising in Ireland, during the Graham Crusades in USA and during the Christian revival in South Korea. All of them arose because there were people committed to loving their community. People within their proximity, the very people they might not know, but who need love anyway. Some sociologists have speculated that religious revival happens largely during times of economic depression and immense poverty. Well, that's not completely true. After all, witch-hunts have also occurred in times of immense poverty and famine in Europe. It can go the opposite direction. However, in my opinion, it may seem to be the case because times of depression and immense poverty gives people the opportunity to not just share, but to give of the little they have to those around them who need resources. And the God whom they worship, and who provides for their every single need, is also faithful in His promise that those who give shall surely receive even more.

I like to think I'm correct in this, despite not having done any historical research at all. As romantic and ideal this may seem, it could just be the clue to another of history's sociological mysteries, and the key to Christian revival and the hastening of the return of the Lord.






Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. -Peter (2 Peter 3:11-12)

Materialism and Superficiality

Met up with the Cat High boys tonight, and had plenty of conversations about work in the future, dreams and ambitions, destinations for grad trips and of course, women.

Remembering the peeps that once played basketball with silver-button-studded uniforms and a ton of "act-beng-not-beng" vulgarities, not to mention a hell lot of laughter, failed "patterns" and air balls, was a nice feeling.

Among them was a very old and close friend I haven't met since we got our O Level results, and the reunion was awesome. But I found that he had transformed into a Player, and it was a little... shocking. A pretty successful one, I must add. At least 40% of the conversations were dominated by him as most of us just listened spell-bound to the escapades and tips that sounded almost like a foreign language coming from someone like himself.

My disdain for Players doesn't lead me to cut them short or condemn them; rather, I enjoy listening to them. After all, it makes for very interesting conversation fodder in a group full of single guys. It's just... heartbreaking after a while.

I only remember going home feeling a little disillusioned. Sometimes I wonder all over again why we Casanovas work so hard to increase our social capital by cultivating soft skills, entertainment abilities, charm and sensitivity, when most women (as testified by my friend) judge a man by the brand of watch he wears, the type of shoes he has, the kind of salary he commands, the class of car he drives. Most of these things are factors that a woman can discover by the end of the night, or for the more observant ones, in less than 3 minutes.

Classifying women into categories based on looks and treating the entire chase as a game is always morally shocking, but some hard questioning to one's moral conscience also tells us that it's simply taking a position, albeit more extreme one. After all, we can get disgusted with women whose superficiality and "shallow thinking" seems to suddenly set the entire world sliding down towards a moral abyss, but don't we guys have a huge portion of our gender group also judging women by their cup sizes, complexion and waistlines?

As much as these attributes are impossible for most women to attain, likewise money and status are not really open to every guy in society to grab. Worse still, for the odd person like myself who has little desire for wealth, yet is constantly exposed to the seeming reality of "no money, no honey".



It's always times like this when I will say, "Lord, give me more faith!" And my anxiety relaxes, in the belief that He will surely provide something better as promised.




But knowingly, it's also an excuse to avoid considering all other women as long as I believe them to be inferior to those I have had been with.






How appalling to find that my mind can twist even spiritual concepts just for convenience.





You can't drive straight on a twisting lane. -Russian Proverb

I sympathize with materialistic women because deep in my heart lurks what I suspect to be a superficial man. -Valentino Casanova

Exam Results!

GEK1047 Organizational Power and Culture A
SC4201 Contemporary Social Theory A+
SC4208 Religion, Deviance and Identity A
SC4215D Welfare and Social Justice A-
Current Cap: 4.26


Praise God! Maybe I might get into the Dean's List this semester. Maybe. +)


I'm so happy. A tad disappointed for Welfare and Social Justice, but oh well. Everything's good. The sky looks exceptionally beautiful today.



I'm going to write a song to my Lord! Lalala~





Tis so much joy! Tis so much joy! If I should fail, what poverty! And yet, as poor as I have ventured all upon a throw; Have gained! Yes! Hesitated so this side the victory! -Emily Dickinson

They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. -David (Psalm 145:7)

Where Is Home When You're Gone?

Home - Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

It's strange how you can be surrounded by friends and family, but still feel lonely and want to go home. To someone, somebody.


But where's home when that somebody holds another in her arms?





I miss you saving me. -Valentino Casanova

A Movement Against Loneliness

The most painful way to die is to die alone.

Maybe Durkheim and Simmel were correct, albeit indirectly.



Loneliness, I believe, is the root cause of all social and psychological ills in modern society. We spend our entire lives writing songs about it, trying hard to avoid being plagued by it, admire people who somehow don't seem to be bothered about it.



An effective social movement, therefore, must target this strand of disorder, without trying too hard. A musical band must create awareness through references to this pain without sinking into the mire of despondency. A motivational author or speech writer must throw forth eloquent phrases depicting the emptiness circling a crying need within. An artist must paint depression with a glimmer of hope amidst the crushing silence.




People must know that they matter, that they fill an essential role in the grand plans of an invisible will tunneling towards to an apocalyptic end.






That, they were purposefully created for a reason grander than their imaginations could ever project.







Music was invented to confirm human loneliness. -Lawrence Durrell

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. -David (Psalm 25:16)

Play It Again, Sam

There are 3 musical instruments that I once told myself that I had to master by the end of my life.

The keyboard, the guitar and the saxophone.

With God's grace I was born into a family with a solid interest in music and a great sense of rhythm, so I was sent to learn the piano at the age of 4 in Yamaha and barely scrapped through Grade 8 theory and practical just before my O levels. 12 years of nearly daily practice. But sadly, learning classical music destroyed completely any interest in the keyboard. To know that I could read notes and play sheet music almost perfectly (with a ton of practice day and night of course) yet could not produce the type of music I wanted was a devastating blow. I even grew to hate the piano and the rigors, rules of "music" as they called it. By Secondary 2 I had reach the peak of desperation for an outlet to produce my own music, and I turned to the guitar.

Learning the guitar was fairly easy to me given my background in music theory and the amount of exposure I got as a guitarist in the worship team in church. It was a breath of fresh air as I suddenly could sing and play music together; almost any pop song was in reach as I belted out my own favorite songs during my free time.

The saxophone, the sexiest melodic instrument in my opinion (specifically the alto and soprano sax, not the tenor, sorry Ilango lol) is still waiting for me to earn my first few months of salary to buy a second-hand one through E-bay. That can wait, given that I was 2/3 through my wish by the age of 15 and I'm still below 25.

However, recently my dad has decided to make good his promise to sell off that rusting, out-of-tune piano in the house. He did say that he might get a digital keyboard to replace it, one of the things on Andrew's wishlist for sure, but to be honest I'm going to miss the old, upright piano. After all, I spent the most time with it by far, though I haven't really touched it since I finished Grade 8.

The nostalgia, combined with the huge amount of free time (and very little money to go out and spend) has pushed me back to the keyboard this holiday. For one, I've realized that I'm not a real musician, at least on the piano, just a player. Given that the piano is still the hot favorite among Singaporean parents for their kids to develop an interest in music, this country is filled with plenty of piano players in the country, but no real musicians. A pity, if you ask me. The ability to improvise, play by ear, comping and singing at the same time via keyboard, is still seen as a magical gift even among members of church worship bands.

Well, now that I'm free, maybe it's time to experiment a little bit more with improvising on the keyboard. Maybe jump into deep waters by playing as a keyboardist for youth service, given that my church is seriously short of keyboardists anyway, and Andrew is getting really tired. Even if he wasn't, he'll be going to Australia to study soon, so someone will have to replace him anyway, even if inadequately.


Back to the keyboards I guess. Time to resurrect the musician and put to rest once and for all the dull, rigid piano player within. Blues, Jazz, Gospel and Salsa piano, here I come!





A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if they are to be ultimately at peace with themselves. -Abraham H. Maslow

Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers! I will sing to the Lord, I will sing; I will make music to the Lord, the God of Israel. -Deborah (Judges 5:3)

The Tyranny of Sin

Sin is sin.

I'm amazed sometimes at the kind of sin that I can commit. No, it wasn't unconsciously done. Neither can blame be put upon my past, or responsibility be taken by another. When one allows the Holy Spirit to enter into one's life, he or she undergoes an entirely new birth, one in which life begins afresh. Sin is made clear, evil is exposed and suddenly one becomes strangely aware of things that one used to do that is evil and unpleasing.

It doesn't mean that people stop sinning. Yes, it should be mean that we sin less, but it doesn't mean that we become sinless. Love is constructed in a way that God gives us freedom to choose obedience over sin, and we become clearly aware of the choices in front of us. Sin therefore is a choice, and when Christians sin, we clearly made a choice to do so. From my experiences, it often means refusing to heed the voice of God, giving in to sin and our own lust and desires. We cannot compare to other non-Christians because although they may be strongly aware of certain moral laws brought to light by other religions, laws or moral teaching, no other group of people have so clear a voice to follow, so bright a light that shines on their deeds, so resounding a word that dictates what is and what is not sin.

Christians have no excuse for sinning. It's clear from 1 Cor 10:13 that with the Holy Spirit by our side, no temptation can befall us for which we can safely say that we were unconsciously forced to do it, by instinct or habit. Jas 1:13 also tells us that God doesn't tempt us, so that sin is something that we put ourselves into by not fleeing it, and/or something that God purposely puts in our path to teach us something. Trials, hard times yes. Temptations, no. Remember that the former verse also says that there is ALWAYS a way out of it, it's whether we choose to take it or not.

But the tyranny of sin often comes when we commit sins that we least expect ourselves to fall for. No, it doesn't happen too often to me, but it happens. We say things like "Nah, I'll never fall for that" or "That can't possibly happen to me" but when it does, it leaves us speechless.

When things like that happen, it serves to remind me that I have no control over sin. As much as I believe in practicing and training oneself to resist sin (which is Biblical), I must never underestimate its power and control over the human nature which still remains within. Sin is a lifelong struggle, and often when one thinks that he or she has finally mastered it, another fall is often not too far away. Humbly, one is directed to come back to the feet of Jesus, ask for forgiveness, and continue on the race of life.

It's sad when I see myself becoming almost like a Pharisee, the very people Jesus despised and warned us not to be like. Though I try hard to be a good Christian, such efforts often plant shady thoughts of pride, even though one doesn't necessarily show it. Then, a big fall serves as a timely reminder that like Paul, I'm the worst of sinners by far. As we grow, we stop sinning in the small things, but we get crushed by the big ones. In that sense, I sympathize with big time preachers who get caught in extra-marital affairs or scandalous involvements with money. As much as they don't do the "common" sins like lying, cursing, getting angry etc., they often seem to get involved in the "big", "uncommon" sins. No, I'm not saying this as to excuse them from it, I see it more as a reminder to the layman Christian that everyone is fallible to sin, even the greatest preacher and the so-called "holier Christian".

I must remember to never say that I'm a better Christian, or at least think so for that matter. After all, if sin could be placed on a scale of "small" to "large", with those committed more often as being smaller e.g. exaggeration, and those committed less often as larger e.g. murder, then I must admit that I am far worse than the average Christian or (non-Christian for that matter!) I just hope that like Paul, I will one day be brave enough to allow them to be testimonies to the unlimited patience that Jesus has for a crappy fellow like me. And to think that I'm in-charge of ministries in my church too! All too often I feel like resigning due to unworthiness given the amount of grace He has to pour upon someone such as myself.

Before I close this post, I just felt the need to post the current psalm that best describes the struggle and guilt within me that acts as a reminder to my weakness and my dependence upon His strength and grace to carry me through this difficult journey that I must take.

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. -Paul (1 Tim 1:15-16)

Where Is God On A Sunday Evening?

It's been a long time since I've been so amazed.


Tonight was the first night that I've attended the PRC migrant worker service at Fairfield Methodist Church, and it has been nothing less than a huge eye-opener. Over 600 of them came busload after busload from different dormitories all over Singapore from sites as near as Marina Sands to locations as far as Woodlands. Quite a number of them even took their own transportation, walking and cycling to the church.

Packet food was catered, CCTV news was broadcast life, Chinese newspapers were provided, and basic necessities were given out to each person who came. I had the joy of witnessing 15 baptisms and 18 people who received Christ during the service. I've never seen people so enthusiastic about knowing Jesus!

Of course, I'm not leave it as that by painting such a rosy picture. There were also some things that I'm personally skeptical about, like the provision of food and other gifts that certainly acted as a huge draw for these migrant workers who are trying to save as much money as they can. Free food, free air-con, the company of fellow Chinese nationals from the same province etc. are all incentives for the workers to come.

But this doesn't explain why some workers are so eager to help in serving food and ushering. It doesn't explain why so many of them are eager to share their testimonies of how their lives have changed dramatically. Neither does it explain why they are so enthusiastic about getting baptized, going for discipleship class and Bible study! I do agree that quite a number of our own baptism classes are really boring (although necessary), and more often than not I'm weary of going for weekly discipleship classes.

The scene I saw tonight put me to shame. To see the workers giving one another free haircuts, encouraging their peers to answer altar calls, singing WAY louder than most of the "conservative" congregations that I've heard. When the worship leader casually asked who wanted the gift of the Holy Spirit, so many hands went up! And before we get skeptical and blame it on the Asian groupthink mentality, I must remind you that they don't really care what other people think. When they think it's time to sit down, they'll sit down, even if 70% of the congregation is waiting for the minister to tell them to sit!

And God is not simply working among the workers. Even the volunteers and clergy have been so blessed! The minister-in-charge is a guy who can't even read Chinese properly, and prior to the ministry taking off last year, he couldn't even speak Mandarin! It's been almost two years since he answered God's calling to serve, and now he's giving sermons in Mandarin. Amazing, no?

I was also surprised to find that most of the local volunteers are not even from the church, but from other churches with a desire to serve in this ministry. And I thought my presence would be quite an exception. Well, God rightly burst that bubble before any semblance of arrogance would get to my head.

Been a great start. I've never seen so many salvations in one night for a long, long time. When the Bible says that God is among the poor and the needy, I sensed it tonight as fact fleshed in front of my own eyes. When I saw so many hands indicating their desire to know who God is, when I see the baptism candidates calling the name "Jesus" out loud, I couldn't stop the tears of joy that flowed down my eyes. You'll never see a scene like this WEEK AFTER WEEK without fail in any established congregation in Singapore. You'll never sense such hunger and desperation in any long-serving laity of any local church. His presence was so strong, one straight away knows that it's more than an overwhelming emotion or a worship "high".

It's true, my friends. God is a god of justice. As Christians, we cannot and must not sit back on the laurels of those who went before us. Our calling has always been to the poor and needy, and this post is my testimony to where God really is. I particularly enjoy the fact that I can finally participate actively in a ministry that recognizes our God as a god who lives among the sick and the desperate.

I can't wait to play guitar for the service next week. +) I know my commitments are going to kill me, but who cares. For His pleasure, and His alone.






It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. -Jesus (Luke 5:31)

I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. -Jesus (Matt 25:40)

Death and Subservience

When I study Sociology, I always find women fighting for their rights to be recognized, equal to men etc. Feminist sociologists always have something to say about how women are oppressed in a million and one ways under the "patriarchal regimes" of men. Admittedly, many of them are quite convincing, but when they start making comments like "Women have always been dominated by men throughout history, it's time they started standing up for themselves", I just find something factually incorrect.

Patriarchy has brought over it's legacy to the modern world. No doubt about that. However, to say that women have been oppressed over the entire course of history is way too generalized a statement. Sure, there are historical events here and there that proves the point of gender oppression, but given that men have dominated over 99% of all great civilizations, surely there must be something more than just brute strength and an elongated member of the body that "forces" women to submit?

This might be an overly-romanticized theory, but permit me to go on. A slight observation on my part leads me to believe that the greater the possibility for men to die on the battlefield, the more subservient the womenfolk are. To explain further, every time a civilization goes to war for a prolonged period of time, female values emphasize subservience. Every time a civilization is at peace for a prolong period of time, gender equality grows.

Firstly, we must note that "oppression" in today's terminology might not translate into "oppression" in the terminology of the past. Furthermore, I will argue that the very things that we might label as "oppressive" could very well be demanded from the victims themselves! This might seem strange, after all, who wants to be oppressed? But if we ask ourselves that, then we must be able to explain why there are so few historical records of female uprising.

Well, there can be a few valid explanations:

Possibility 1. Women did not have the means to form up together and fight men. This includes the fact that they were largely illiterate, had no formal organization that acted as gathering points, had no access to war equipment and had did not have any experience of domination and military strategy.
Argument 1. Note that most women were farmers in the past and living in villages, where most of the men were equally illiterate and knew no military strategy or domination. Gossip centers (both male and female) are the easiest organizations found in every village, and war equipment were pitchforks, which were accessible to all. Yet history notes that Confucian subservience of females to males was largely subscribed to, especially in ancient China and Japan.

Possibility 2. Women were not strong enough to fight back. They are in general the weaker sex.
Argument 2. That is nonsense. Physical strength never equated to ideological domination. If so, there would still be records of failed female uprisings. No one would dare think women are stupider than men anyway. Today's modern society only proves the exact opposite.

Possibility 3. Women oppressed other women e.g. mothers-in-law oppressed daughters-in-law to take revenge for the oppression they suffered under their own mothers-in-law.
Argument 3. This is a strong argument that I learned in Sociology of Gender. There is evidence that women fought among one another, causing them to push members of their own gender down so as to serve men, and in so doing, be unable to unite to fight men as a whole. However, although it serves to explain internal family struggles, it doesn't explain why inter-family disputes between genders never really occurred.


Thus I come to my final conclusion. Women may have been oppressed from the perspective of a contemporary scholar, but they did not see themselves as being oppressed as a gender group at that point in time.

Then my next question is: Why didn't they see themselves as oppressed? It is clearly so, given that wife-beatings, men having affairs etc. was extremely common in most civilizations. In addition, women were nearly treated as servants to men in some of the most advanced civilizations, Japan, for example. This is blatant oppression, it would take a non-human to be unable to recognize it. Even dogs know when they are being oppressed in such an obvious manner.


So I fiddled with the idea, talked to my dad (who's a marriage counselor), and the answer, I believe, can be found in the Bible, specifically, the example of Jesus and the Church.




A woman will wholeheartedly serve her man, if she believes that he will die for her.




As civilizations advance and declare war on one another, men don't even have a choice. They have to fight for both their families and their countries. Most probably don't give two hoots about the latter, but for the former they'll be hard-pressed to draw the sword, I feel. Thus, given that his life is on the line (and more so, the more wars there are), there is a possible link between frequent wars and the subservience of women. Women, wives in particular, are more likely to be willing to serve their husbands in such circumstances, because if their husband loses the war, they lose their lives too. Serving is almost a form of self-protection because it ENFORCES the idea of the "weaker" gender that requires protection, so that they don't actually have to go to war. (No, women will not stand in for men. Remember, marriage wasn't based on romance, daughters were matchmaked and "sold" to their husband's family) Love for their husbands that is shown through their dedication thus "grows" from such an arrangement.



So, there's my conclusion. Not exactly a complete explanation, but plausible to me.



However, a contemporary example is required to prove my point. As I've been going around Orchard Road these few days, I see the usual bunch of ah bengs and ah lians. I always wonder why ah lians are so hot. Don't see such standards in the average university girl. And it's strange also, how they stick to their ah beng boyfriends, especially when abused or treated like shit. Guys, do that to the university-level girlfriend and you can kiss her goodbye. Stranger still, given societal norms, hot ah lians should have more options of boyfriends, and university girls should have less, but yet such things happen. Education in simple economics should suffice to justify how weird this is.

So I came up with a wacky explanation. Ah lians are more willing to suffer because they believe that their ah beng boyfriends would actually die for them. The fact that quite a few of them are willing to pick a fight if you simply verbally abuse their girlfriends probably proves the point.


In conclusion, I'll pick something out from my dad's marriage counseling materials. Men, if you're not willing to die for her, don't marry her. Women, if he's not willing to die for you, don't marry him. That's what my dad always warns those who are undergoing the marriage counseling course. Christ was willing to lay down His life for the Church, and the subservience of the Church (we're nowhere close, really) to His will is justified based on this fact.



How many of us would enter into marriage if confronted with such a statement?






This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. -1 John 3:16

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more. -Erica Jong

Death Gives Life Meaning

When ever was death the opposite of life?

An apparent contradiction is no contradiction at all if one realizes the limitations of language. Life in this world is but one type; life eternal is but a totally different concept.




For what's the point of living, if one has nothing to die for but one's self?






I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies. -Jesus (John 11:25)

-

Dedicated to you.

To blow bubbles of love into your life,
Naught be all else to me save till He comes.
His kingdom and more, would this Monarch tithe,
Just so to write love once more on her arms.

The only reason why I know it's okay to sigh is because Jesus sighed too. -Valentino Casanova

The Hypocrite Christian

The conclusion of my final exam paper was a huge relief, yet an almost crushing disappointment. No, God has been really wonderful, and I'm really thankful to how He's carried me through this period once again. It's just that I find myself too focused on the exam, unwilling to think ahead, so much so that when it's all over, I don't know what to do with my time.

I've been mulling over some issues during the exam period. Having notice some subtle changes to the way my friends have been towards me recently, and it wasn't too long before I started guessing that something terrible has happened. A ghastly reliving of history as an outcast once more, only the reasons different each time.

There's a reason why the term "hypocrite" is used on Christians. Not "evil", bad-tempered" or "selfish". Maybe "proud". But it's always "hypocrite". Sometimes, even Christians stick such labels to other Christians! But the term "hypocrite" cuts really deep, and the stigma has a hook at the end that makes it nearly impossible to take out.

Unlike "selfish", "evil" or "bad-tempered", "hypocrite" cannot be proven otherwise. Let's say someone labels you "selfish". You can always make amends (whether or not you did something to cost yourself such a stigma) by doing the exact opposite. In this case, you could show your generosity by buying everyone dinner or sharing your notes or something to that effect. But there's nothing really opposite to "hypocrite". If you make an effort to speak the truth or be "real", people will still think that you are putting on a mask, that you're fake, that you are still extremely capable of doing something malicious behind their back. Worse still, if you're someone who's by nature nice and friendly, the term "hypocrite" only amplifies itself because people think that you're really good at faking it.

That's why Christians can't really take this label off easily. Often it takes time, and most Christians are persuaded by either themselves or their friends to step out of the scene. It can be a painful decision, especially when there's a certain affective bond towards some of the members within. In addition, there isn't even a need to look for evidence. If the news goes around that you're a hypocrite, even those you might consider close to yourself are likely to assume the worst until proven wrong.

That's why for us Christians, it can be the most destructive label in regards to our reputation. No matter how hard you work to build up your reputation as someone who is a worthy friend and confidant, a simple twist of events can bring every single effort crashing down. Worse, should our identity be built on those relationships, it can stir confusion and disillusionment within, and much worse still, even lead to further sinning when one tries to patch up the damage done, be it by lying or boasting. Feelings of being maligned can fuel emotions of hatred towards people you once called friends, especially when no wrong has been done on your part.

That's why it is important for us as Christians to stick to our principles, that is to love despite the chaos around us. Despite our friends criticizing us without finding out the truth. Despite the rumors tearing up bonds that you thought would withstand a little more hardship than a few well-planted seeds of gossip. Friendship is a two-way bond, even as one party lets go, you must not be afraid to hold on. Hopefully, through negotiation they might listen. If not, then you must wait for time to tell the truth and expose those whose actions may warrant a little more than their just desserts. Revenge is after all, not ours to take. We simply cry to God, and leave it in His hands. We must go on to love people as we have always loved them, even if the entire situation had caused our reputation and testimony as a Christian to undergo an irreversible stigma.

Be proud and stand with your head high, if people undeservedly label you a hypocrite Christian. Because it may have meant that after all, you really shone brightly enough a light not of your own which may have caused enough potential for some to label you a threat in one way or another.

However, if one thoroughly deserves it, one should apologize. Amends might seem impossible, but a retreat from the scenario temporarily should still be warranted. Temporarily, I emphasize.




The challenge now must be to love like never before. To find those who twisted stories consciously or unconsciously, and tell them that they are loved, much less grudges forgiven. God will restore what has been lost or damaged, even if it seems nearly impossible.






I dunno how. But I know He will some how.







If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent," forgive him. -Jesus (Luke 17:4)

Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the Lord. "I will protect them from those who malign them." -David (Psalms 12:5)

-

“Are you the happiest and the saddest right now that you’ve ever been?”
“Of course I am.”
“Why?”
“Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

(The History of Love, Nicole Krauss)

Objective and Subjective Goodness

I haven't been blogging for the longest time. My laptop fan is getting cranky and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Been procrastinating about bringing it to the service center so often, but can't bear to since the exams are coming and all my notes are inside.

As I look back during the course of this week, I realize that my actions have been quite... mean. What I mean to say is that instead of the usual cheerful disposition that comes when I try to do things, my perspective of life suddenly took a slightly negative dip, and I find I've been complaining a lot. My QT material, as it always has been, had perfectly timed lessons about the tongue, to remind me of something I learned some time ago: That it is not always negative thoughts that spout off hurtful words, but hurtful words that stir up negative thoughts, from which even more hurtful words precipitate.

But it was on a usual bus ride to school on a Friday afternoon that God suddenly spoke to me again. I was humming the tunes of worship songs, albeit not exactly in a worshipful mood but more like an inclination to see if this Sunday's worship would go smoothly. The other half of my mind was thinking about my own life, and how often things would be better if things went this way instead of that way etc. Suddenly, a thought crept into my head. I can actually worship and complain at the same time! How terrible is that? It's so terrible it's scary.

This led to another thought. How often is it that I forget God's goodness to think that He's allowing life to treat me so "badly"? That thought plagued my mind on and off, until just today, when the usual 5km run around the neighborhood allowed me some time off from the remainder of my readings to ponder over this issue seriously.

Let's admit it. Despite God being so good to us time and time again, and it's really concrete stuff, like our exam results, or healing of sicknesses, or mending of relationships with our friends etc, there are ACTUALLY occasions when we will doubt His goodness. From my experiences, it usually hits us when we're down and out, feeling a little more "low" than usual. Our mind will suddenly rationalized the occasions when God had been really good, to events of coincidence, natural forces, our own abilities and hard work etc.

So now that we agree that such things happen to all people, let us think about why this happens. From what I am able to draw out of this phenomenon, it has its roots in the difference between objective and subjective goodness.

It's not so much a matter of perspective. After all, perspective is in the realm of subjectivity. Objective goodness means experiencing God's goodness, and remembering it as such, preferably through writing or testimony. Subjective goodness is more complex.

Let's use my favorite topic as an example.

For those of you who have been in relationships, you'll see that the character traits of both yourself and your lover can be subjectively interpreted as good and bad, depending on the situation. This is a much-discussed topic in interpretive sociology, but I don't intend to go so deep, nor is such level of analysis warranted. I believe that if most people cannot understand, it's not really valid besides on a theoretical or abstract level.

Let me show you some examples of subjective goodness from my own experiences in the few relationships I've had.

Sensitivity <--> Emotional
Strength <--> Rashness
Humility <--> Low self-esteem
Meekness <--> Weakness
Knowledge <--> Busybody
Intellect <--> Eccentricity
Kindness <--> Gullibility
Confidence <--> Egoism
Faithful <--> Close-minded
Care <--> Manipulation
Encouraging <--> False hope
Predictability <--> Boring
Unpredictability <--> Unstable

The list could go on. Essentially, it answers the difficult question of why "love" can become "hate" in a day. For those of us who have been the "dumpee" or the victim, we often ask ourselves how someone could love us like crazy at one time, and after that hate us like mad at the end. Even worse still, the greater the infatuation, the more explosive the hatred. I've been complimented for all the traits on the left, and likewise accused of almost every trait on the right. But stranger still, I believe most people reading this who had been the "dumper" in the relationship don't really get it themselves, or have not put it in words, so let me theorize it.

The term "subjectivity" means a matter of perspective. The very same movie can make someone cry and another laugh. Likewise, some actions perceived at that moment in time can seem really nice, giving us all the wonderful feelings and emotional "highs" of being in love, but when it's all over and done with, seems like a horribly manipulative act riddled with deeper intentions and deceptions.

How does this link back to the topic? Simple. Most of us who do a basic level of reflection will agree with me that despite all the times God has been so obviously good to us, when all hopes were lost and yet something fantastic happened that turned the entire situation around, and to top it off, the multiplicity of such events in our life, WE CAN STILL EXPERIENCE OCCASIONS WHEN WE THINK THAT GOD ISN'T GOOD. That's a fact. It happens, and so I write because I know some of you reading this might be going through a tough time and you're wondering about this to yourself.

So how do we remedy this situation? We look back at some of the times when God has been good (even those we're not sure about) and take "perspective" out of the picture. We have to realize objectively that these are events in our lives when God has indeed been good, and that there was nothing coincidental about it. Nothing about our own effort, nothing about natural forces whatsoever, it's God, God, God.

But thinking is not good enough. Writing, recording, giving testimonies; these are ways in which thoughts become embedded in our memory and knowledge systems. As I have posited above, bad thoughts don't always lead to hurtful words. Hurtful words lead to bad thoughts too. Likewise, what comes out of our mouth affects the knowledge that we have. And by speaking and writing so, when we think back, look back at how He has been so gracious to us, we will understand it not with the subjective lens of goodness, but with the objective knowledge of His goodness.



For those of you anti-Christians who might be reading this, it is easy to think that I am promoting a psychological practice to firmly embed "good thoughts about God" into the minds of "feeble" Christians who need a "feel good" booster shot into their bloodstream of faith. From the perspective of a world where God doesn't exist, this will be the case, no doubt.

But then again, that's a perspective, rendering it subjective, and committing the entire fallacy that this post is focused on. Because objectively speaking, God does exist. And looking back on our lives, the Chosen Ones will find that their lives are intimately filled left right and center with the hand-prints of this Everliving God.




I am still confident of this: That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. -David (Psalms 27:13)

For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness, knowledge. -Peter (2 Pet 1:5)

-

Now that I've woken up and not under the stupor of the night, I realize how strongly I can feel to even post something like that. The emotions that you draw within me simply by the memories I hold.




It's all good now. As long as you're happy.




To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another. -Gottfried Wilhelm Von Leibniz

500 Days of Summer

As great as the show was, I found myself softly burning up with anger time and again.

Because our relationship was exactly like that of Summer and Tom's. Exactly. Even during the scene when she laid on the bed and her face scrunched up when she smiled. I didn't see Summer on my computer screen. I saw you. Even during the scene when he purposely bumped his hand against her's with the intention of holding it, in which she moved away.


It's also strange, because my last words to you were also, "I really hope you're happy."


The parallels are frightening.






Damn I wish my Autumn comes soon. It's already November for God's sake.








You don't want to be named as someone's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife? -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

The Woman Behind the Warrior

One thing I love about war movies, is how they draw out the warrior within. I know it sounds kinda silly, but often I wish there was a battle to fight. Not that I don't have my battles now, given the similar trials and temptations that befall any ordinary man, but somehow, it's just... different.

I've been watching a ton of war movies lately, and I find something very similar among all the heroes of the show I've been watching. Every male hero has a remarkably strong woman behind him. No, it doesn't mean that she kicks ass and does kungfu, but she is an unusual source of strength even when she's miles away.

Maybe it's Hollywood providing a sense of gender equality. Or maybe it's just my preference. Or maybe the directors and actors are just that damn good. But nonetheless, I agree wholeheartedly with them and their story-lines. A good wife is a must-have, and the impact on her man is way greater than she herself could possibly imagine.

Does it seem like a mere coincidence that before great men fall in glory, a woman always comes to their minds? Though I've never felt like that, I think that it is highly possible.


So, a tribute to the women behind some of the greatest heroes in movie history (as depicted in the movies I've watched). I think if such women really exist, I'll chase them in a heartbeat. See if you can recognize them.




The greatest driving force of a hero that God provides for, is more often than not, a woman he loves. The greatest weakness of a hero that God allows for, is more often than not, also a woman he loves. -Valentino Casanova

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. -King Lemuel (Proverbs 31:10)

Failing Gracefully

Recently, I've been asking God why He allows failures in people's lives. Some of these failures often have nothing seemingly beneficial in them, and to a large extent, hurt us deeply, scarring our souls and fostering deep pessimism within.

I'm someone who doesn't take failure too well. Though by His grace I've often managed to emerge stronger, wiser, more experienced and more determined to make the best out of it, often failure leaves me bitter and angry for long periods of time. I'm not someone to complain a lot, but if I do, I find that it usually has something to do with a failure that I have attributed to myself or to an inherent social, systemic bias that cannot be changed.

Do you believe that God can speak through a non-Christian? I would think that if He could speak through a donkey (Numbers 22:8), He could speak through anyone. And of all places, He spoke to me during Salsa class, when I'm intently focused on the instructors' movement.

My Salsa instructor was teaching us how to do an Open Break, which occurs when the guy pushes his partner perpendicular in front of his body so that she can turn around and catch hold of his outstretched hand. It's quite a flamboyant move. But while we were trying it out with the music, our instructor suddenly stopped everyone, and commented, "Guys, you have to be bold. This move requires you to push with more strength, and for the ladies, you must trust the guy to catch hold of you. It's a fantastic chance to show off some shines, look gorgeous, and attract the attention of the audience."

You know those type of moments when God smiles and doesn't say anything? He knows that He doesn't need to when you actually got the idea already. And at that moment, I did.

God is like the male dancer, who is responsible for thinking of the various moves to do; all the lady (the church or us Christians) has to do is follow. Every time He comes up with something, it is an opportunity for us to not just follow His lead but to show off how great a couple we are. And sometimes, when the music calls for it, God throws in a spanner. He pushes a little harder, something akin to the trials and failures that we have in our lives. Well, we may be caught off-guard, but nevertheless, we know what to do. The Bible is our instruction manual, and by reading it we know our footwork, when to turn, when to stretch out our hand for Him to catch hold of it, and bring us to balance again.

But the thing is this: What is our attitude after we realized that God has pushed us? Some of us become grumpy. No one really likes to be pushed around after all. We want our freedom, our rights, our just rewards etc., that comes from living the "good Christian life". But take a look at the big picture. The male dancer pushes his partner in this manner so that she has the opportunity to look good and confident! And if she does so, he looks good too, both of them look fantastic, and the dance will be a memorable, awesome one.

God allows trials and temptations, failures and disappointments, to come into our lives so that we can grab this opportunity to look good, for Him and for ourselves. This lesson resounded with what Desmond taught my senior DG just that afternoon.

In order to be real Christian men, we must learn to fail with grace.

It dawned on me why God allowed me to fail my driving test time and time again. I don't take failure too well. I don't know how to fail gracefully. I did not see that failure is one of the best opportunities to look good, both for God and for myself. My peers form the audience, watching me, watching God, watching us dance.

The next move for me must thus be this: How can I make God look good in my next failure?



Come to think about it, I should be grateful that it was a driving test that I failed, and not a relationship. The parallels are really frightening though.

First relationship lasted 3 months = Immediate failure in the circuit by the 3rd station. Did not even go onto the road.

Second relationship lasted 3+ years = Circuit was perfect, small accumulated errors on the road, but the immediate failure was no fault of my own, but of a bicycle that suddenly swerved onto the zebra crossing.

Third relationship lasted 3 months = Failed in the circuit at the 3rd station again, and two more immediate failures sealed my fate, even when the instructor gave me chances. Outside driving was perfect.

For those of you who have some inkling of my relationships, you'll agree that it is a frightening parallel.





But it's better late than never. Let's hope I don't fail either again. And if I do, remind me to stretch out my hand, knowing that He will catch me so I won't fall, and while doing so, do the most outrageous styling ever with the most radiant smile on my face.

So the world will know.








Sing to the LORD, for He has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. -Isaiah (Isaiah 12:5)

The LORD is my Light and my Salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the Stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? -David (Psalms 27:1)

Waiting for God's "Immeasurably More"

By Cindi McMenamin (taken from a blog of a young lady suffering from anorexia)

"Lori looked away as she sat across the table from me and told me something she knew I didn't want to hear.

"It's not that bad. I was over-reacting. Besides, it's better to have a little pain with him at times, than to be alone."

Lori was choosing to stay in a dating relationship that was clearly unhealthy and unsafe. I knew God had more in store for Lori. But Lori apparently didn't believe that. And she was settling for far less than she should.

So often we, as women, settle. We think, at times, that it's better to stay with a boyfriend who mistreats us - verbally, emotionally, or physically - than to have no man in our lives at all. We reason that it's better to stay at a job that we hate, than to look and pray for something better. We would rather be around negative people who bring us down than to feel we have no friends at all. And when we settle like that, we are clearly saying to God and others that He is not capable of giving us anything better.

I remember feeling that way, too. I had just met the man of my dreams. But he lived 1,000 miles away. And my on-again, off-again boyfriend of four years lived just across town. That relationship was convenient. It was comfortable (for the most part…except when I was crying my eyes out!). And it was better to be with someone, than to be alone, I remember thinking.

It was my sister who finally burst my unbelieving bubble with the truth.

"If you settle for what you have now, you are denying God the opportunity to bless you with a man who will love you like He intends for you to be loved. Don't break God's heart that way, Cindi. Let Him bless you with His best for you."

My fear to make a change was denying God the opportunity to bless me? God used those words of my sister's to convince me to trust Him and walk out of an unhealthy dating relationship that was slowly drying up my soul. And as I did…God proved Himself true to His Word. God had something far better for me. He was just waiting for me to believe it.

In Ephesians 3:20, we are told that God is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

In another translation, that verse reads: "God can do anything you know, far more than you can ask or think or imagine in your wildest dreams…." (The Message).

Now I can imagine quite a bit. I'm sure you can, too. And yet God promises to outdo far more than we can even imagine or dream up. That's pretty spectacular, if you really think about it. That gives us a glimpse of just how big and just how perfect our God is. He is a God who is able to do immeasurably more.

Are you settling for less? Do you know that you can do better in your dating relationship or your job or your present circumstance, but you just don't have the strength to make the change? Or are you holding onto something bearable because you feat God cannot bring you anything better?

Whether it be an unhealthy relationship or a job that is sucking the life out of you, you could be settling for second place when God has first place waiting for you in the wings.

Psalm 84:11 tells us "The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

The God who counts the number of hairs on your head (Matthew 10:30), and records your days in a book (Psalm 139:16), and has thoughts of you too numerable to mention (Psalm 139:17-18) wants to blow your expectations out of the water by coming through in a mighty way for you. So let me ask you: How big is your God? You answer that question by what you are willing to accept and what you are unwilling to expect.

Lori ended up trusting that God had immeasurably more for her. She asked some friends to stand by her and hold her accountable, and she gained the strength to walk out of her hurtful relationship. She believed she'd be walking into a realm of loneliness, but she trusted her Lord, anyway. Today she is happy, healthy and blessed beyond reason.

Expect immeasurably more, my friend, when it comes to God's plans and purposes for your life. For you have an immeasurably big God who is waiting for you to believe it."

Top Ten Signs You've Been Single Too Long

I found this hilarious site from Askmen.com. And I decided to see how true it is.

#10. You assume you repulse all women. Yeah, I mean... don't I?
#9. You develop bad eating habits. I'm learning to eat vegetables. That's a habit my mouth knows is BAD.
#8. You gush about your feelings to women. Is Mum included?
#7. Your dating standards plummet. If I were dating, I would think so.
#6. You get a cat. YESH! Finally, one that I can safely say I'm not suffering from.
#5. You surf mail-order bride sites "out of curiosity". Once, but for research purposes. Yeah right.
#4. You look at female friends as potential girlfriends. Erm. Opps. Tams and Zhi are not going to have lunch with me anymore.
#3. You play too many video games. I'm not doing this because I've kicked the addiction, not because I don't suffer from it.
#2. You consider your mother's dating advice. Totally. Mum, you rock. You're also the reason Nick is laughing at me while girls surround him.
#1. You google old flames. One of the hundred things I do while Facebook-ing. How can you count that?!



This looks bad. Even God is laughing.



We all end up in a single bed sooner or later. -Anonymous

Failure Beyond Doubt

Victor has failed his driving test for the 3rd time already.

He really doesn't like cars. He can steer women on the dance floor, steer canoes on rough waters, steer the most complex and deep conversations, steer a Stinger in Grand Theft Auto at 160 km/h without killing a single civilian, but he can't steer a dumb, inanimate car.


Talk about faith and trusting God, Victor even brought an I/C photograph ready to collect the little blue card.

Talk about prayer, Victor did a hell lot of that, although it seemed like a "last-minute-grab-Buddha's-feet" effort.

Talk about excitement, Victor was even wondering how he would be breaking the happy news to all the lovely people who have shown him support, including you, in a way.



Sadly, it was not to be.



Not even when his instructor arranged for the most lenient tester in the school to take him. Not even when this very nice tester was willing to forgo two negotiable immediate failures so that he can pass. God had to make him collect three immediate failures so that the result would be beyond doubt.

"You're actually a very good driver. You just lack confidence only. I really want to pass you but I can't. I'm sorry. Try harder next time."


I realize that I'm writing in the form of a third person because I still can't bring myself to face this entire episode. I suspect this is how an alter is created in multiple personality disorder.

Often, I wonder how people react to disappointments. I think about it so much, I don't know how to react when faced with one. When I got the result, all I remembered was slowly walking out of the driving center to the MRT station. It was numbing. Some part inside me wanted to smash something really badly. Another part wanted to just sit down and cry. But the level of self-control within me is so highly-developed, such avenues of catharsis are simply unavailable. I just gave a blank stare and walked.

I know that as I contain all these feelings and emotions, something is dying slowly inside. And it didn't help that I refused to converse with God - at least till the MRT station. And it was then that I realized that if I didn't, I'd have no one to talk to. And when conversation started, I just lambasted Him all the way home. I refused to attend the Campus Crusade Life Meeting, I refused to eat dinner with Dad and Nick by feigning sleep, and I personally abused myself by running another 5km when I'm exhausted and still have an important presentation the next day. It was easy. I just had to convince myself that I was fat even though just last Sunday my grandma was appalled at how skinny I've become. She gasped when I jokingly told her it was trendy.

Sometimes, I think self-abuse is contextual. When it's something like bulimia, the world gasps in horror and devises means and ways to "help" people out of it. When it's something like running way beyond one's capacity, no one really cares.


Relax, I've stopped lambasting God already. I've given up trying to come up with creative ideas on why He would make me fail my driving test so many times. I'm tired of reminding Him that He owes me an explanation, because I know sometimes it way out of my wisdom, and that He doesn't have to give me one anyway. I've stopped telling Him that I've spent all my internship money on driving lessons, and that I really wanted to return my dad the additional money he has given me for the remainder, of which He'll remind me gently that my dad's money is also His money.

You can't win any argument with God. But I'm still feeling very shitty. Very very shitty. I know I'm in the season of asking for humility before formally embarking on the evangelical band project with the church peeps, but Lord, I really don't see how it's related. There's already nothing to boast by passing at the 3rd try, why push it down to the 4th, 5th try?




You know God, sometimes I think that I'm regressing in my relationship with You. Of all the abstract things I write here, so often I don't even get the fundamentals right.





There is no loneliness greater than the loneliness of a failure. The failure is a stranger in his own house. -Eric Hoffer

Has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time? -Asaph (Psalms 77:8)

If I Could Sing You Two Songs From The 80s

In sequence.

Without music, life would be an error. The German imagines even God singing songs. -Fredrich Nietzsche

Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought. -Percy Bysshe Shelley

A Manifestation of Divine Arrangement

Such dances are, if I may say, some of the finest outcomes of a world in which God chose to use a love between man and wife as an analogy of His love for the Church. It would thus be a pity, should one never learn to dance in his/her lifetime.






Dance little lady dance! You know you've only got one chance. -Tina Charles

Two Weddings and A Confession

What a hectic weekend. Two big weddings, with plenty of dressing up to do.


Friday started with an extravagant dinner at the Sentosa Resort and Spa, hosted by my cousin and her new husband. I'm not very close to her, but enough to not raise an eyebrow upon hearing that the groom from Taiwan was much older than her and exceedingly wealthy. To be honest, I never really thought that she was pretty, but boy, the wedding photos were really BOOMZ. I will never underestimate the power of Photoshop again. Technology can really make people look... I dunno. Prettier than they ought to be. The food was awesome also. Abalone and scallops galore. Great atmosphere too, if only the sound quality of the two live singers (friends of the groom) could be better adjusted.


Next, Saturday was another busy day with Caleb and Jennifer's wedding. Emceeing with Michelle at the church service was fun, and as I predicted a long time ago, Jennifer did cry at her wedding. I told Michelle how I thoroughly enjoyed the way Caleb said his wedding vows almost poetically, and I wonder if I could add another dimension by gently stroking my bride's face during my own wedding. God knows when that will happen anyway. But no bittersweet feelings, even while witnessing a childhood crush say her lines and vow to love her new husband for the rest of her life. Frankly, there's no better catch for her than Caleb. Another sumptuous dinner at the Marina Mandarin ballroom, with more abalones and prawns, and then the end of a beautiful memory. If either of you are reading this, congratulations again, and thank you for the invitation to a great wedding. +)


Now for the breakthrough. You know how during these kinds of dinners, how aunties and uncles will ask you stuff like "So when is your turn", "Got any girlfriend or not" or some even better still, "Where's your girlfriend?", as if I'm expected to have one now. I don't see Andrew and Nicholas getting fired by such questions, maybe because of the Chinese tradition of expecting the oldest to get married before the younger ones. Frankly, I don't like such questions, because wriggling my way through requires me to either lie or be so bluntly frank it hurts. Not saying anything isn't helpful either, because some people will just make the funniest assumptions that I just broke up recently, am gay, or both. So, not one to lie without giving myself away super obviously, I just say the truth.

"Not anytime soon."
"Nope, don't have any girls who want me."
"Nope, I don't have a girlfriend."

So, being the usual curious uncles and aunties (mostly the latter), they'll continue probing further, often to the embarrassment of my parents who are nearby. So, I decided to use my answer to conduct a social experiment to see what people's reactions are, and how they are grouped.



"I'm still studying la, Auntie. Study no money wan. Poor family some more leh. No money = no girlfriend."



But I did discover something extremely unusual upon giving this answer. I took my lifelong assumption as a hypothesis: That those who are middle-class or slightly lower in class status would reply with surprise, and that those who are higher or upper-class would nod understandingly. Apparently, I found a slightly less expected dichotomy. Regardless of class status, those who are 40-ish and below all nodded understandingly, and those above all gave surprised answers, arguing that not all girls go for money. Such a remark thus deflected all attention from myself, setting the ground for extremely hostile and interesting debates between members of that table, giving me enough material to write a rough thesis.

Of course, being extremely pleased with myself for killing two birds with one stone, I proceeded to move from table to table (mostly among the relatives for the first wedding and the church friends for the second) to try out this new trick.

Then upon returning home, I suddenly heard God speak from the small voice within.



"Victor."
"Er... Is that You Lord?"
"Are you really from a poor family? Think about it."
"Yeah, I am. Technically speaking, yes."
"Look around you."



And as I proceeded to recall my memories of both weddings, I saw something else. A different definition of "family".

In the first wedding, I saw my relatives. Arguably, my relatives from both paternal and maternal side are all extremely successful people from all walks of life. I saw my immediate family as "poor" relative to all of them, which was largely true, but social capital-wise, I am wealthy beyond my dreams. If there was such a thing as total net-worth of family assets from 2 degrees of family onwards, the simple connection of my dad and mum puts our family right at the top. My dad and mum are arguably the poorest among their siblings by far (though admittedly the happiest by far too), but their siblings are immensely wealthy and famous. Which means that from another perspective, I'm not poor, and thus I could have been lying all these while.

In the second wedding, I saw my church friends. Church friends technically form a "family" from the Christian perspective, and though not all of them are richer than me, but there are some who are wealthy beyond my imagination. Informed by my parents, my church comprises of a disproportionate amount of millionaires (though by visible lifestyle it's nearly impossible to believe), which accounts for the extremely important status that it holds in the Anglican Diocese, despite having a weekly service attendance of less than 120. Moreover, wealth is not measured simply in monetary terms, but in spiritual terms: there are also some (especially in the youth) who are spiritual giants and whom I know will go on to become great servants of God, which more or less will account for their financially-impossible-to-calculate wealth in Heaven.



So is Victor really poor? From those (extremely valid) perspectives, I don't think so. So why when asked, does he go around claiming that he is?










With a little self-examination, it only boils down to two reasons:

1. It is an easily swallowed rationalization of loneliness.
2. It acts as an effective filter against girls who are interested in the only thing he personally despises.



As useful as it maybe, Victor has to understand that the holiness of God does not stand for any form of lying, and will weed out even those beliefs that he might have come to assume as the truth.



No more lying. If nothing, Victor has to learn to shut his trap. The truth, if to be told, is that Victor is way richer than any one of you can believe.










My poverty was simply a matter of my perception. The truth however, is no respecter of any man's perceptions, only God's. -Valentino Casanova

The reality of life is that your perceptions - right or wrong - influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place. -Roger Birkman

The "Japanese Wife" Paradox

When I was in Tokyo for both my mission trips, I remembered seeing numerous encounters of wives and girlfriends giving up their seats on the train to their husbands or boyfriends. I could hardly contain my astonishment upon witnessing what I defined as "absolute male chauvinism", to see healthy, strong men sitting down, reading their newspapers, while their (majority) petite, frail wives carried heavy bags of groceries and stood up holding the handrails.

Being in a family where my dad has always (and still is) strongly emphasizing chivalry, generosity, ethics and principles, I have learned to monitor my own actions closely and judge myself harshly for any ungentlemanly deed done consciously or unconsciously.

Therefore, to know that such sights are commonplace in a country like Japan was mind-boggling. And it added an entire dimension to the complexity of love. Casanovas abhor Players, because Players take on a bad boy mindset as opposed to their preferred model of mystic charm. They also take comfort in the belief that although Players may be hugely effective at the start, they usually lose the girl in the long run.

Strangely enough, these evidences have served to rock my foundation of understanding, at least in terms of romantic love. I have been giving this immense thought, and I have come to finally admit that this is the truth.

Sacrifice, ironically, serves to tie down those who give, to those who take.

Japanese wives, in giving up so much to their husbands (who are notoriously famous for having affairs in double digit percentages of the population), only find themselves loving and serving their husbands more and more. There is nothing conservative or traditional about this, this behavioral trait can be traced all over the world.

One of the Casanova's foundational principles is to give more than the girl can ever return, and thus fix in her a vulnerability which ties her to him. That doesn't require much explanation. But ironically, that doesn't work. Most of the Casanovas whom I know who are in long-term relationships are those who strangely become slops and laggards, even abusers. They have their girlfriends serving them, doing nice things for them, crying over them, lamenting about how they used to be such wonderful guys, and secretly hoping for a glimpse of the "Prince Charming" effect they once used to know so well. In reality, these guys are actually playing another manipulation trick (albeit extreme), which is "regulating" the flow of "rewards". They reveal their loving side, about 1% of the time, and practically perform it so "lovingly" that it is permanently seared into the minds of their lovers for at least the next few weeks or so, and who thus work extremely hard so as to feel loved just for those short moments.

To me I find it terribly hard to understand. But my own history is no testimony to the success of the virtuous opposite. The ladies in the few relationships I have been in have always said the same thing, although in variations such as "You love me more than anyone I know" and "I've never felt more loved by anyone before".

Understandably, I have been chucked away despite them being able to make such confessions just a few days before the big breaks. Yes, I said it. "Understandably". I don't think such a word exist in the dictionary, but I can't think of a better word, because I get the picture now. Not fully, but as long as I apply the "Japanese Wife" model.

Why? Because I never gave any of them a chance to sacrifice something for me. Not that I didn't accept their gifts of love, but BECAUSE I accepted their gifts of love. And when I accepted them, I always paid back in full or double, triple the amount. I never made any of them feel that they had to sacrificed something for me. But the side effect was this: In so doing, I didn't allow them to be truly vulnerable.

Maybe next time, I'll have to purposely tell my future girlfriend that her gift was crap, even if I knew the amount of effort she put into it. Maybe I'll have to just take take take and consciously tell myself not to bother about thanking her for anything she has done. Maybe I'll have to let her know that if she wants to keep a guy like me, she'll have to put a lot more hard work into the relationship, to the point it becomes ritualized and ingrained in her nature.

Even as I write, I feel myself sinking into the mold of people I despise the most, the Players themselves. Why does one have to be make a woman feel inadequate in order make her stay? Doesn't every girl want to be loved, appreciated, treated like a princess? Or is it just lip service? Is it a strange lust to be abused, bullied into obedient submission, to feel that she has put so much effort into the relationship that she's practically chained herself to it?



Can't the man who consciously makes an effort to make a woman feel loved, feel beautiful, feel adequate, feel precious, win in the end?



Something tells me that until I TOTALLY understand this paradox, I'll never be ready for a serious relationship.






What did he do, that you would painstakingly select the most beautiful of seashells to spell his name out on the sand? What did he do, that you would gladly be a maidservant if you had to, just to be close to him? What did he do, that you would give up your entire family, and even some of your closest friends, just to be able to tell yourself that you love him? Lord, tell me! What must a man do, to be loved oh so much by a woman? -Valentino Casanova

-

Will someone please take that arrow out of my heart. Please.






Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. -Anonymous

To Ph.D or not to Ph.D

Some people always want to be blessed by God. They'll do all sorts of things like tithe a bit more, take up a few more ministries in church, stop swearing so often etc. Well, this post is not about a debate about how useful doing all this things are. I always tell people that you can fool some of the other gods, but not God.

From a different perspective, sometimes we can have blessings thrown onto our lap and not know whether to accept them! Yes, I bet you think I'm weird now. After all, who doesn't want blessings?

I, for one, don't really ask for personal blessings. But let me tell you my dilemma.


I have an extremely nice supervisor. His name is Professor Michael Hill and he's REALLY nice. He looks like Santa Claus, with the red nose included, and always chuckles. (I'm beginning to think he might just be Santa Claus). We share a huge interest in the Sociology of Religion, and he always tells me about his stories. A brilliant man, he always recommends great articles highly relevant to the thesis I'm starting my research on now.

So, one meeting, I briefly mentioned that I might be interested in furthering my studies in the Sociology of Religion, with the added dimension of faith-based welfare organizations. I also mentioned that I come from a pretty middle-class family, not one of the 8.5% of Singaporeans who are millionaires, and that my parents are retiring soon, which means that I have to take over as the breadwinner of the family within the next few years. I also briefly hinted that doing Masters in NUS would be pretty boring, and that I would rather go out to work if given a choice.

The conversation more or less ended there, with him giving advice on looking out for certain universities in Australia. I didn't think much of it either, busying myself with the upcoming deadlines.

Then came an email in my NUS inbox, and behold, he had fired letters to quite a handful of universities in UK, Australia, New Zealand, asking if there was a studentship for Masters or Ph.Ds with regards to faith-based welfare organizations and the Sociology of Religion. Apparently, he's quite a renowned academic, and received positive replies in no time. Among them was this fantastic opportunity:

http://geography.exeter.ac.uk/geography/postgraduate/value_added.shtml

It's a fully funded Ph.D in Human Geography in a renowned university located in one of the most beautiful towns in UK. 9th in UK, two ranks behind LSE and ahead of other famous institutions like King's College, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Manchester, the University of Exeter is one of the most prestigious research universities for the Sociology of Religion.

3 years, and I'll be Dr. Hui, at only 28 years old too! Plus, I'll get to study a discipline and work in a field that I'm really interested in. I'll get to travel around in UK, visit my parents' friends, experience snow for the first time, study Christian theology too. Maybe I'll even get to visit the Loch Ness and see the legendary monster, roam the streets of London, visit museums and castles, ride a white horse on the meadows and pick up the British and Cockney accent like my parents once did. Awesome right?




Wrong.




Firstly, God hasn't replied me as to whether He would like me to go yet.

Secondly, a Ph.D is a huge over-qualification, especially for such a field as mine. Maybe I'll get a job as the next NKF director, because I don't really like golden taps.

Thirdly, my parents are retiring within 3 years, and Andrew's pay at Mediacorp is peanuts. Who's going to feed the family?

Fourth, I would like to get attached and married soon. I'm already a year late from getting married at my target age of 23. If I studied first, came home, found a nice girl, dated for two years and settled down, I'll be what... 31? I still want some hair in my wedding photos, thanks.

Fifth, the cost of living in UK is super high. Although my school fees will be totally covered and there's no bond, but the lodging, food, clothing, miscellaneous... That will all be horrendously heavy on my family's treasury.

Sixth, I'm going to miss all my friends and family members in Singapore. Big time. Big, big time.

Seventh, it sucks going alone. Admit it. At least when Andrew was considering Mass Communications in Australia,Thomas was there, and he had some other friends who might have been going, I think. (Tams, you want to study Masters at LSE or not?! Then again, that's only one year. Sianz. Do Ph.D leh! I'll be your Dan Humphrey until you find your Chuck Bass.)

Eighth, I am sure that I will miss Singaporean food. And my dad's taste-saturated dishes. And mum's lovely home-cooked food. And Andrew's experimental pastries. And Nick's extremely unhealthy and high-class culinary. I'm not looking forward to eating my own cooking there, as palatable and edible as it is.

Ninth, I'm REALLY going to miss Singaporean girls. I can't emphasize this enough. Yes, even if they are extremely feminist ones like Chloe Fong who keeps saying that guys are inferior. And no, I haven't been on an official date for nearly a year already. But I bet I'm still going to miss it.

Lastly, I still want to send you flowers every year. White roses, with a tinge of the freshness of April spring.




See. Sometimes blessings can be huge headaches.




I bet some of you hate me now.







What I'm looking for is a blessing not in disguise. -Kitty O'Neill Collins

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. -Eric Hoffer