Being in a family where my dad has always (and still is) strongly emphasizing chivalry, generosity, ethics and principles, I have learned to monitor my own actions closely and judge myself harshly for any ungentlemanly deed done consciously or unconsciously.
Therefore, to know that such sights are commonplace in a country like Japan was mind-boggling. And it added an entire dimension to the complexity of love. Casanovas abhor Players, because Players take on a bad boy mindset as opposed to their preferred model of mystic charm. They also take comfort in the belief that although Players may be hugely effective at the start, they usually lose the girl in the long run.
Strangely enough, these evidences have served to rock my foundation of understanding, at least in terms of romantic love. I have been giving this immense thought, and I have come to finally admit that this is the truth.
Sacrifice, ironically, serves to tie down those who give, to those who take.
Japanese wives, in giving up so much to their husbands (who are notoriously famous for having affairs in double digit percentages of the population), only find themselves loving and serving their husbands more and more. There is nothing conservative or traditional about this, this behavioral trait can be traced all over the world.
One of the Casanova's foundational principles is to give more than the girl can ever return, and thus fix in her a vulnerability which ties her to him. That doesn't require much explanation. But ironically, that doesn't work. Most of the Casanovas whom I know who are in long-term relationships are those who strangely become slops and laggards, even abusers. They have their girlfriends serving them, doing nice things for them, crying over them, lamenting about how they used to be such wonderful guys, and secretly hoping for a glimpse of the "Prince Charming" effect they once used to know so well. In reality, these guys are actually playing another manipulation trick (albeit extreme), which is "regulating" the flow of "rewards". They reveal their loving side, about 1% of the time, and practically perform it so "lovingly" that it is permanently seared into the minds of their lovers for at least the next few weeks or so, and who thus work extremely hard so as to feel loved just for those short moments.
To me I find it terribly hard to understand. But my own history is no testimony to the success of the virtuous opposite. The ladies in the few relationships I have been in have always said the same thing, although in variations such as "You love me more than anyone I know" and "I've never felt more loved by anyone before".
Understandably, I have been chucked away despite them being able to make such confessions just a few days before the big breaks. Yes, I said it. "Understandably". I don't think such a word exist in the dictionary, but I can't think of a better word, because I get the picture now. Not fully, but as long as I apply the "Japanese Wife" model.
Why? Because I never gave any of them a chance to sacrifice something for me. Not that I didn't accept their gifts of love, but BECAUSE I accepted their gifts of love. And when I accepted them, I always paid back in full or double, triple the amount. I never made any of them feel that they had to sacrificed something for me. But the side effect was this: In so doing, I didn't allow them to be truly vulnerable.
Maybe next time, I'll have to purposely tell my future girlfriend that her gift was crap, even if I knew the amount of effort she put into it. Maybe I'll have to just take take take and consciously tell myself not to bother about thanking her for anything she has done. Maybe I'll have to let her know that if she wants to keep a guy like me, she'll have to put a lot more hard work into the relationship, to the point it becomes ritualized and ingrained in her nature.
Even as I write, I feel myself sinking into the mold of people I despise the most, the Players themselves. Why does one have to be make a woman feel inadequate in order make her stay? Doesn't every girl want to be loved, appreciated, treated like a princess? Or is it just lip service? Is it a strange lust to be abused, bullied into obedient submission, to feel that she has put so much effort into the relationship that she's practically chained herself to it?
Can't the man who consciously makes an effort to make a woman feel loved, feel beautiful, feel adequate, feel precious, win in the end?
Something tells me that until I TOTALLY understand this paradox, I'll never be ready for a serious relationship.
What did he do, that you would painstakingly select the most beautiful of seashells to spell his name out on the sand? What did he do, that you would gladly be a maidservant if you had to, just to be close to him? What did he do, that you would give up your entire family, and even some of your closest friends, just to be able to tell yourself that you love him? Lord, tell me! What must a man do, to be loved oh so much by a woman? -Valentino Casanova
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