God, Do I Matter?

Popped by a Christian bookstore after dinner with Thomas at Raffles City foodcourt. There was a book for sale, $19.00, which was entitled "The Bride". It was supposedly a book for disillusioned Christians who are unhappy about the way the things were going about for them in their church. Sounded pretty relevant to me, so I flipped it open and begin browsing through it.

Yes, I am unhappy. And it has been that way ever since I felt a calling to be a leader in the Agape Youth. Or a so-called leader. I've never actually contributed anything but hot air and unrealistic dreams. In my opinion, the youth's potential was never expounded on. And I'm not young anymore. I'm actually too old to be part of the youth any longer. But it's really painful to see that the calling that I felt for so long in my hearts was never really answered.

Evangelism. The Great Commission. The power of the Holy Spirit to turn the world upside down. The passion of youth. The naivete and innocence to go forth and do God's bidding without holding back or questioning. The spirit of a warrior and fighter equipped with the armor of God rushing into battle with the demons of the Hell. And winning.

I don't sense it at all with the youth. People come and people go. Leaders come and leaders go. But nothing changes. The people who come are those who were brought up their entire life in church. Those who aren't, can be counted on one hand. Are we unsuccessful? Maybe. But with a God like ours who is almighty and omnipotent, what are we afraid of?

Then it hit me.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NOT DOING ANYTHING.

Remember, God gave YOU the calling. But you've practically thrown it away. You've disowned it. You left it at the corner of your mind, hoping that it'll disappear by itself. You feel it during quiet time or when the passion of Christ overwhelms you, but you push it away, imagining that it isn't there. You know God's been calling you to behave like His child. But you behave like an idiot. Ignorant. Unmoving. Like a REAL BASTARD.

Who ever told you that you needed to be in the leadership to fulfil this calling? Did God say He'll anoint you? No. Then what are you waiting for? Is your pride to great to beg for a chance to help out? Yes. So that's it, Victor. You're too arrogant. You want people to INVITE you to help them. You want to feel needed, loved, appreciated. Are you that deprived? Did your parents not shower you with enough love and care to actually behaved is such a shamful manner? Did GOD not show you enough of HIS love? Aren't you priviledged? There are people out there in the world who have no parents, or do not know God personally, but don't behave one bit like you. You self-pitiful shithead. Go wallow in your own sorrows, swine. No one is going to join you. Even Grace could see that you're not good enough for her. God sent His Son to die for you on the cross, but you could feel that THAT wasn't enough? You ungrateful bastard. Is it too much that He gave you a calling and you go out and perform what you could without wanting a piece of the leadership?

I looked back, and a sinking feeling filled my soul. Honestly, I've never done anything for the youth. I haven't done anything for my non-Christian friends. I was actually CONTENTED to see all of them go to HELL. I knew The Way to Heaven, but I didn't share it with anyone. I believe that I could feel God's love within me, but that it never was strong enough to convict me of preaching the Word.

Rubbish. Stop fibbing and lying to yourself. There's no need to blame God. YOU were never interested in anything more that bringing attention to YOUSELF. You're sick do you know that? You're attention-deficient. Everything that you've done in your life is to attract people's attention towards yourself, and when that doesn't work, you wallow in your own self-pity. What a loser.

Okay okay. So maybe that's it. I'm so loser. The kind with the big "L" on my forehead and a "Kick Me" signed stuck to the back of my shirt. But aren't there people in the world much worst off then me? What about them?

They don't matter. As long as you do anything wrong, it hurts God. Very much. Everything someone sins, he nails Jesus' hands to the cross.

Ouch.