Irony Amplified

Here I am with a ton of work I know I should be doing, but not doing. And I'll just keep saying that it's because I haven't started my research yet. But again, procrastination is the main problem. I'm like totally avoiding the library this semester. Maybe it's because my classes are all back to back this time. But probably it's just pure laziness to tap my card against the electronic gateway into the library. Bah.

It's ironic that I'm blogging. Not many people read this blog anyway. Not that there's nothing "juicy" about my life. I just feel there is nothing to learn from those episodes, and all to feel ashamed about. It's sad because I'm like Jonah, but I'm constantly running away despite lesson after lesson. I find my fill from this Earth, and I'm constantly thirsting for more. But again I'm too proud to ask God to fill this aching gap that has formed up within me. I've got too much to lose, too many things I don't want to forget. I want to live this life with the false assumption that I'm tough, hardy, street-smart and vicious, thanks to all the lessons I've learnt the hard way in life. But God knows that I can't fight for nuts. I'm probably a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I'll only fight if my pride is hurt, or my love ones for that matter. In that sense I'm kind of useless really. I don't want to fight a midget who can whip off my specs and kick me in the balls to truly understand this.

Sometimes I'm reminded that to be strong, one must first be weak and then God's power will fill the emptiness. But I like to rely on my own strength, head-strong as it is. I like to think that the talents that I possess are good enough to beat any man, be it academically, physically or socially where it matters most. However, I forget that these talents are bestowed by God in the first place. And where God gives more, He expects more. But I think I see many, many people around me who are given less, but have probably contributed back to the Kingdom more than I can ever imagine myself to be able to give.

In that sense I'm broken. Broken, yet unwilling to cry for help. Is my ego really so big? I think the next woman who comes along and smashes it to bits is probably the woman I'll marry. Provided I don't hate her to death for doing so. And provided she actually exist. LOL

Devastation

Utter devastation. I'm in total collapse. Why did you have to do that? Why were you so silly? Now your life will have be undergoing a totally different spin. Your plans, your future, your hopes, your dreams, now lie shattered in front of you. All it took was just one small, silly, seemingly harmless choice, a few minutes of ecstasy, a relieving of desire and a confirmation of love.

You were smart, sassy, beautiful, vocal, everything that a man could want. I know this because I know you better than anyone else. I would rather you make a mistake with anything else at all, but this. The moment you mentioned this to me, a sudden deep rift split open my inner core. An immense gravitational pull, akin to that of a black hole, just ripped apart my senses. We were so closed, and despite distancing ourselves for a short period of time, I still felt like I was part of you. And this just feels like, something is happening in me as much as it is already happening in you.

I'm disappointed. Sorely, utterly, downright disappointed. You might not think it's much of a deal, but... it will be in the future. I'll be praying for you. Honestly, I dunno what to pray for and how to go about it, but I'm sure He does.