Well, B is actually a pretty okay grade. It only isn't when one starts comparing with the As, A-s and B+s that everyone else seemed to have scored. And being my usual self I started wondering where I went wrong. A lousy way to start a beautiful morning really. I greeted my dad with a cheerful good morning, but inside it was as if I was picking up something that had broken.
Thankfully, the turmoil didn't last long. Upon reflection, it hurts because there are still shreds of my self-identity leaning on such earthly foundations. Like a table top resting on its legs, God times each event in my life perfectly. With the agility and accuracy of a karate master, He breaks each leg neatly to show me that the table top still stands despite my anxieties.
Pastor Lawrence's sermon yesterday was another event timed to perfection. He explained this verse below:
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. -Paul (1 Cor 3:11-13)
What was my self-esteem and self-worth built on? Was it built on my looks, my intelligence, my wealth, my possessions, my talents? Or was it built on the Word of God? The Bible states clearly that it will be revealed with fire, so what was this fire? When will it come?
I didn't have to wait long. Within 24 hours, my results were announced by SMS. It wasn't really fire; maybe just a few sparks. But it was enough to show me that despite so many careful adjustments made, there were still a few strands of my self-worth based on my academic ability. The fact that I was emotionally distraught temporarily was proof enough that I'm still not there yet. But credit to God, there has indeed been some improvement. (Then again, something tells me that I am seriously nuts to even objectively analyze my own emotions in this way, as if my mind and body were machines to be taken apart and studied)
It also brings a timely reminder that every traumatic event in my life have only served as God's direction arrows telling me where to go and what to do. Because of this result, a number of options are permanently shut. Firstly, all opportunities to do Masters in Sociology have disappeared into thin air, mainly because postgraduate scholarships require a good grade for one's Honors Thesis. This removes all roads to attaining a professorship to teach the subject. Secondly, a below average score in my consultancy module has also burst the bubble of becoming a consultant to faith-based or non-profit organizations in the future by closing any opportunity to landing an entry-level job or internship in a consulting firm. It was a vision that was birthed over the last half a year. Lastly all research jobs, especially those in the government sector, have also diminished in terms of success should I apply for them, given that I did not fare well in what many of them recognize as the most important indicator of one's research ability.
With so many doors closed, it is tough to not feel disappointed. But over the past year, my prayer every night has been for God to make clear the direction for my next step in life. It wasn't an expected means of doing so, but who am I to complain? My prayer has indeed been answered. And from experience, in the most memorable way possible so I have one more testimony to give.
Today must be a special day, because on other days, He just sends in the birds to chirp at my window to tell me that He wants to talk to me. Usually, I'd just conveniently ignore Him or ask Him to wait a moment while I finish my never-ending computer game.
God loves Victor very much. +)
P.S. Then again Lord, You're making me think twice about continuing my prayer regarding my future spouse.
There are more tears shed over answered prayers than unanswered prayers. -St. Theresa of Anvil
