Something within tells me I'm about to encounter one of the biggest crossroads of my life. I know not what, I know not when, only that it is soon, and it will come.
I've been trying to fight the voices around me, they no longer tell me that I cannot make it any longer, they've been trying to make me feel guilty. Am I to feel guilty for evil thoughts that seep through my head and into my conscience? Am I to feel like a sinner when my thoughts go haywire?
There are things I crave for, things that make me vulnerable. As the days go by, I'm no longer the actor, I've become the reaction. I'm beginning to shun small talk, even conversations with friends. It's terrible that nothing excites me any more. I don't look forward to the future, when I will grow up and grow old.
I walked my grandma back to her place after the toilet renovations were over. 5 years ago, the time taken to walk from my house to hers was only 5 minutes, now it's nearly 45 minutes. I feel her feeble hand grasp mine, occasionally letting go. Her body is filled with perspiration, even though she had taken a bath at my place. She can't speak anymore, but we all know she still likes sweet desserts, and have provided her maid with enough money to get her towhuey from the hawker center downstairs.
But as we were walking home, a fear gripped me. I don't want to grow old. If being old means being led by the hand, being fed, being bathed, being treated like a child...
Suddenly, the future doesn't look so bright any more.
But I do know one thing. If the future doesn't come, then I might never have the chance to see you and hold you in my arms.
Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. -David (Psalms 71:18)
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Jubilee Project
Can I listen to your song?
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
My God Provides
Met my dad for dinner today. Before we met, this was his SMS.
When he arrived, he proudly showed me a $17,000 check for a project that he had been working all year long. All of a sudden, my huge worry regarding the fees for Andrew's Media and Communications Studies in the University of Queensland disappeared. The sum was enough to pay off 1 out of the 3 semesters that he will be doing in Australia, as well as provide a cushion in case any trouble was to happen.
God is truly wonderful! Despite being semi-retired and earning inconsistently, God still provides opportunities for him to work on small projects and bring home something for the family!
For today, I felt happy enough to suggest eating at Inagiku after that. Had one of the most delicious (and expensive) dinners in my life, and a long, memorable conversation on my future career direction(s).
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. -Paul (1 Tim 6:17)
I'll be a wee bit late. While waiting, think of what you very much like to have for dinner. Fret not, I'm feeling rich! Love Dad :-)That's my dad, always trying to clear my insecurities. One can't help but love him for trying so staunchly to do that.
When he arrived, he proudly showed me a $17,000 check for a project that he had been working all year long. All of a sudden, my huge worry regarding the fees for Andrew's Media and Communications Studies in the University of Queensland disappeared. The sum was enough to pay off 1 out of the 3 semesters that he will be doing in Australia, as well as provide a cushion in case any trouble was to happen.
God is truly wonderful! Despite being semi-retired and earning inconsistently, God still provides opportunities for him to work on small projects and bring home something for the family!
For today, I felt happy enough to suggest eating at Inagiku after that. Had one of the most delicious (and expensive) dinners in my life, and a long, memorable conversation on my future career direction(s).
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. -Paul (1 Tim 6:17)
Monday, November 08, 2010
-
The topic of "you" was brought up over a game of pool with an old friend. And although I haven't been writing much about you lately, you haven't been far from my thoughts.
Sometimes, as I observe the behaviors of young couples thoroughly soaked in an atmosphere of love, I think about the two of us and how I once used to be able to love so deeply in that manner. It goes without saying that I also haven't been loved in that manner for so long I've forgotten what the feeling is like to be loved so deeply by another, with a passion to possess wholly, shutting out the rest of the world despite their screams to be heard.
Over the last two weeks or so, a strange fear has gripped me in its occasional but nagging grasp. It's the fear that I will never be able to love so deeply again, or translated in a slightly different manner, the fear that I have lost the ability to love another with all my heart.
So many things have changed since the day you left those years ago. No longer am I worried of being double-faced, now I'm totally transparent. My colleagues can feel my angry or stressed-up vibes from afar, and when I'm not myself, the whole office realizes it before I even know it myself. I also find that when I'm trying to pursue the love of another, I begin to do silly things that reflect nothing of my character, only to be (understandably) shunned and blamed for stupid mistakes that occur along the way. No longer do I find a thrill in fooling with the feelings of ladies I have no interest in, I just turn them down before anything grows.
But when I'm not in love, when I have no one to impress, in the midst of my family members and close friends, I'm happy to be eccentric. I'm myself when I laugh very loudly, dance instead of walking, dish out good advice that no one really wants to hear, and grin from ear to ear. I'm myself when I dress unconventionally, make funny remarks out of nowhere, provide alternate perspectives few have ever considered and talk about sociology and God for a good half an hour straight without an indication of stopping anytime soon.
It's strange how I know I'm eccentric, because the general view is that you can't be eccentric if you know you're eccentric. Even writing that last line was a terrible tongue-twister that I won't bother explaining. But I'm happy to be alone, and I don't want to fall in love because honestly, I'm not myself when I'm in love, and secondly, I don't actually think anyone will fancy me when I'm myself. I think I'll make a fake boyfriend if I were seriously in love, and will make pretty uncaring boyfriend if I'm being my authentic self.
I've kinda lost my train of thought halfway writing this, but I think I'll leave it there because I know she's probably going to find this post somewhere down the road. As for you, I hope you're happy, and I want you to know that you're still in my prayers every night.
Write me a letter if you have the time. I love letters, and I believe that your free-spirited nature will produce some of the most extraordinary literature to me, even if they probably make no logical sense in every nature of the word.
Write to me.
What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. -Liz Carpenter
Sometimes, as I observe the behaviors of young couples thoroughly soaked in an atmosphere of love, I think about the two of us and how I once used to be able to love so deeply in that manner. It goes without saying that I also haven't been loved in that manner for so long I've forgotten what the feeling is like to be loved so deeply by another, with a passion to possess wholly, shutting out the rest of the world despite their screams to be heard.
Over the last two weeks or so, a strange fear has gripped me in its occasional but nagging grasp. It's the fear that I will never be able to love so deeply again, or translated in a slightly different manner, the fear that I have lost the ability to love another with all my heart.
So many things have changed since the day you left those years ago. No longer am I worried of being double-faced, now I'm totally transparent. My colleagues can feel my angry or stressed-up vibes from afar, and when I'm not myself, the whole office realizes it before I even know it myself. I also find that when I'm trying to pursue the love of another, I begin to do silly things that reflect nothing of my character, only to be (understandably) shunned and blamed for stupid mistakes that occur along the way. No longer do I find a thrill in fooling with the feelings of ladies I have no interest in, I just turn them down before anything grows.
But when I'm not in love, when I have no one to impress, in the midst of my family members and close friends, I'm happy to be eccentric. I'm myself when I laugh very loudly, dance instead of walking, dish out good advice that no one really wants to hear, and grin from ear to ear. I'm myself when I dress unconventionally, make funny remarks out of nowhere, provide alternate perspectives few have ever considered and talk about sociology and God for a good half an hour straight without an indication of stopping anytime soon.
It's strange how I know I'm eccentric, because the general view is that you can't be eccentric if you know you're eccentric. Even writing that last line was a terrible tongue-twister that I won't bother explaining. But I'm happy to be alone, and I don't want to fall in love because honestly, I'm not myself when I'm in love, and secondly, I don't actually think anyone will fancy me when I'm myself. I think I'll make a fake boyfriend if I were seriously in love, and will make pretty uncaring boyfriend if I'm being my authentic self.
I've kinda lost my train of thought halfway writing this, but I think I'll leave it there because I know she's probably going to find this post somewhere down the road. As for you, I hope you're happy, and I want you to know that you're still in my prayers every night.
Write me a letter if you have the time. I love letters, and I believe that your free-spirited nature will produce some of the most extraordinary literature to me, even if they probably make no logical sense in every nature of the word.
Write to me.
What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. -Liz Carpenter
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Couple donate lottery win
Link: http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_599990.html
It's news like this that makes me very, very happy. It's news like this that allows me to believe that there is still hope for mankind.
Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. -God (Deuteronomy 5:10)
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