The Un-Conditionality of Love

Despite having been brought up in a Christian family and a born-again Christian for more than 10 years, there is one huge barrier to my understanding of how love works.

I am unable to conceptualize "love" any further than the combination of two factors: duty and credit. As Christians, we have a duty to love others, and as such no one should be unlovable. Yet on the other end, is not love something that we strive to attain by perfection?

I once knew what it was like to love without reason. Or so I thought. But as the realities of life eventually broke through the curtains of romance, I tell myself: It must have been lust. Or sympathy. Or the human need of my ego. Or because we knew one another's dark secrets and vulnerabilities. There is no such thing as unconditional love! The beloved must possess some quality to be desired. If no such quality exist, then love only comes about as resultant of a choice to be duty-bound by the lover.

With such a formula in my mind, I cannot understand how God can love me unconditionally. But that's not difficult to reconcile, because God is God and His love is beyond my understanding, surpassing any standard that I can ever hope to achieve. But this gap in understanding only serves to weigh me down whenever I sin. Sin means I'm not up to God's standard, and as such, I can't reconcile the fact that He doesn't hate me for making mistakes, ESPECIALLY when they are repeated again and again.

For example, I believe one of my biggest weakness is my ego. When cornered, I am inclined to fight back, yet I am resolute in my stand not to return the insult. So what do I do? I lie. And God, is my creativity at full throttle when I lie! I conjecture lies so sophisticated yet without much though. Automatic.

Colleague: (loudly) Hey I heard that you're not staying on with the company. Why aren't you staying?
Me: Personal reasons. I don't like to talk about it. (Truth is, I don't mind talking about it, but I don't want to talk about it with you. I don't want you to know about my family's financial circumstances, my unhappiness at the way I was blatantly favored over my friends, and my loss of trust in the company to handle certain issues)
Colleague: Oh, so have you started applying for anywhere else?
Me: Not really. (Truth is, I've just sent out my resume and cover letters to 6 different companies already)
Colleague:  Oh, then you might want to try XXX statutory board, from what I heart they're very good.
Me: Oh okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the advice. (Truth is, I have absolutely zero interest in the ministry and no intention to even check them out)

Breakdown. I wasn't even really cornered to begin with, lies (some might argue that they are white lies but honestly, lies are lies are lies are lies) just keep coming out. And then, I'll feel like I'm just sliding back into failure mode. Confessions abound, resolutions to keep on the straight and narrow, convictions to change with His help. But I still don't understand this unconditional love. I dare not entertain the miserable thought that God only forgives us because it is His duty to do so. In that case... won't love be tied to perfection? Won't sin decrease the love in some proportionate ratio that God deems worthy to utilize?

As I observe my couple friends, think back about the relationships that I once had (and lost), I can't help thinking to myself: I'm single because I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not gentlemanly enough, not rich enough, not handsome enough, not fit enough, not intelligent enough, not confident enough. But then again, I'm well aware that this might not be the case. Nevertheless when I see a friend who's attached, I'll squeeze out some rationale to satisfy my querying spirit. Richard is good-looking and confident, Matthew has the gift of the gab and is really generous, David is steady and manly, etc. There are even some for the third-party guys in all of my past relationships.

And so it comes whenever I'm chasing after any lady, my perfectionist mindset and self-consciousness sets in, and I inevitably begin to act differently in her presence. And when I encounter failure of any kind, especially those along a moral spectrum, I can almost see my "score" being deducted at the speed of a taxi meter and before long I back out. It doesn't help that failure is only more evident with heightened awareness and a suddenly fragile ego.

Strangely enough, I have no desire for women who display top-notch, holy-holy behavior. The opposite is true: I'm drawn to the very "imperfections" I try so hard to avoid. Especially if I find out occasions where they have been lying to protect their image, has displayed vengeful hatred, have occasional bad tempers, possess glib tongues, etc. Not that I share any of these traits, but in many senses, they seem a little more normal and exciting.

It's ironic how I mark myself down when my mistakes and sins are exposed, but have a totally different scoring system to judge interest in ladies. It might just be God's providence that this mindset ensures my singlehood, in addition to my misfortune to be attracted to either women who are already attached or whom I know I shouldn't venture any further with. For the latter, I usually fail myself so badly that I have no choice but to withdraw from contention, if they don't already hate me or think me a weirdo or loser.

But all said and done, I still don't get the unconditional love part. And maybe that's why it's so hard for me to evangelize confidently when the only thing material I have is whatever I've been taught. How can love possibly be unconditional?




There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.-Solomon (Prov 30:18-9)