The Next Step

I haven't been blogging here for quite a while, I realize. Been busy with the new blog, neglected my personal one. Hah.

Right now will be exactly a week before Andrew goes to Australia for his studies. Was a great farewell BBQ party last night, organized by his buddies Haryanto and Simon. Another awesome lunch at Ding Tai Fung with a bunch of the younger youths in the afternoon who wanted to give him a goodbye treat.

I guess I'm a little envious of the fact that he will be going overseas to study. I've always wanted to do something like that myself, especially when my ego is constantly questioning my "apparent dependence" on my parents. Been longing to have my own room, own space, own time for a long, long time, but I'm burdened by a heavy sense of responsibility to ensure that my parents are not lonely and that the family has sufficient money to give Nick a similar opportunity to study overseas.

I haven't been going out much during the last two weeks (except to the gym), and thus spending very little. I'm still hoping for Chinese New Year to come soon, so at least I can top up my EZ-link card to go gym. Walking is a viable option, but it's still a 20-minute journey at brisk-walking pace. Ironically, staying at home so much has fostered laziness in me to blog.

I hope the MFA gets back to me on the results of the second round soon. To be honest, besides the social status and the fact that the pay will help get Nick to university, I don't exactly feel drawn to the job. Many people have been telling me that if you're not some scholar-material, you're just inside to do the work that no one wants to do. Personally, I hate it when I'm not being utilized to the maximum. Makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.

I've been toying with an idea for some time. Should I not get the jobs of my choice, I would like to go teach English in Banchang, Thailand. Most people who know my working style have been encouraging me to be a teacher, but I've made it pretty clear that I don't like teaching students who are only learning for the sake of examinations. Teaching English in Thailand however, a different issue altogether. The language will actually help bring higher-level jobs to the countryside, or at least increase the value of these students when they eventually go out to work.

The slow pace of lifestyle will also mean that I can afford a bicycle and travel around the neighboring towns, learning about changing third-world lifestyles in the face of rapid development. I can partner factory owners to ensure ethical and sustainable industrial processes, learn entrepreneurship from the local shop owners, and even minister to the Thai Christians over there. The idea of having a blog or Twitter feed that can broadcast my updates back to friends and supporters back at home is also incredibly attractive, especially if they inspire creative ideas to improve the Thai's life. I won't need much monetary support too, probably about S$1000/month would be sufficient.

Sigh. But it's all day-dreaming I guess. The pressure of status-anxiety among my peers, the family's financial vacuum and my parents' well-being are all obstacles that have to be overcome. The only concrete step taken is to pick up Thai from David, who's been so kind as to teach me the language at express speed through weekly lessons.

However, the thought of toiling in a job which does not utilize my talents and worse still, brings no meaning to my life, is a terrible thought. But then again, isn't that reality for most people in the Third World?



One thing you lack. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. -Jesus (Mark 10:21)

Un-Moving

I guess I'm not moving in the end. It was too much of a hassle to shift to tumblr, and from experience I write way too much to justify the templates used in a micro-blogging site like Tumblr.

So I decided to spend a full day revamping the blog, getting rid of little bugs, adding the comments function and removing the little vanity things like visitor counters and personal profile. There is a peace of mind when writing under anonymity, although readers who actually bother to sieve through the entire archive might piece together who I am.

But I'm staying, and not going anywhere. Appreciate all comments to improve this website for His glory!

Moving

Haven't blogged for the longest time. Seems like I've transited a little too far into micro-blogging, specifically, Twitter.

Considering moving the entire library of thoughts to tumblr. Will keep everyone updated soon.

Couple Dynamics

From stereotypes to basic assumptions. I'm quite sure majority of Singaporeans think this way.


Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, but far too many third-parties are having an influence on the perception.


I must endeavor to stick to my own.

Poverty and Temptation

Sometimes, I feel so weak to temptation that the only thing that stands in my way is my own sheer poverty. You won't believe some of the most regrettable things I would do if I had some to spare.

Nope, I don't even believe it myself.



What a sad way to start the new year.


Poverty is the schoolmaster of character. -Antiphanes

The Un-Conditionality of Love

Despite having been brought up in a Christian family and a born-again Christian for more than 10 years, there is one huge barrier to my understanding of how love works.

I am unable to conceptualize "love" any further than the combination of two factors: duty and credit. As Christians, we have a duty to love others, and as such no one should be unlovable. Yet on the other end, is not love something that we strive to attain by perfection?

I once knew what it was like to love without reason. Or so I thought. But as the realities of life eventually broke through the curtains of romance, I tell myself: It must have been lust. Or sympathy. Or the human need of my ego. Or because we knew one another's dark secrets and vulnerabilities. There is no such thing as unconditional love! The beloved must possess some quality to be desired. If no such quality exist, then love only comes about as resultant of a choice to be duty-bound by the lover.

With such a formula in my mind, I cannot understand how God can love me unconditionally. But that's not difficult to reconcile, because God is God and His love is beyond my understanding, surpassing any standard that I can ever hope to achieve. But this gap in understanding only serves to weigh me down whenever I sin. Sin means I'm not up to God's standard, and as such, I can't reconcile the fact that He doesn't hate me for making mistakes, ESPECIALLY when they are repeated again and again.

For example, I believe one of my biggest weakness is my ego. When cornered, I am inclined to fight back, yet I am resolute in my stand not to return the insult. So what do I do? I lie. And God, is my creativity at full throttle when I lie! I conjecture lies so sophisticated yet without much though. Automatic.

Colleague: (loudly) Hey I heard that you're not staying on with the company. Why aren't you staying?
Me: Personal reasons. I don't like to talk about it. (Truth is, I don't mind talking about it, but I don't want to talk about it with you. I don't want you to know about my family's financial circumstances, my unhappiness at the way I was blatantly favored over my friends, and my loss of trust in the company to handle certain issues)
Colleague: Oh, so have you started applying for anywhere else?
Me: Not really. (Truth is, I've just sent out my resume and cover letters to 6 different companies already)
Colleague:  Oh, then you might want to try XXX statutory board, from what I heart they're very good.
Me: Oh okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the advice. (Truth is, I have absolutely zero interest in the ministry and no intention to even check them out)

Breakdown. I wasn't even really cornered to begin with, lies (some might argue that they are white lies but honestly, lies are lies are lies are lies) just keep coming out. And then, I'll feel like I'm just sliding back into failure mode. Confessions abound, resolutions to keep on the straight and narrow, convictions to change with His help. But I still don't understand this unconditional love. I dare not entertain the miserable thought that God only forgives us because it is His duty to do so. In that case... won't love be tied to perfection? Won't sin decrease the love in some proportionate ratio that God deems worthy to utilize?

As I observe my couple friends, think back about the relationships that I once had (and lost), I can't help thinking to myself: I'm single because I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not gentlemanly enough, not rich enough, not handsome enough, not fit enough, not intelligent enough, not confident enough. But then again, I'm well aware that this might not be the case. Nevertheless when I see a friend who's attached, I'll squeeze out some rationale to satisfy my querying spirit. Richard is good-looking and confident, Matthew has the gift of the gab and is really generous, David is steady and manly, etc. There are even some for the third-party guys in all of my past relationships.

And so it comes whenever I'm chasing after any lady, my perfectionist mindset and self-consciousness sets in, and I inevitably begin to act differently in her presence. And when I encounter failure of any kind, especially those along a moral spectrum, I can almost see my "score" being deducted at the speed of a taxi meter and before long I back out. It doesn't help that failure is only more evident with heightened awareness and a suddenly fragile ego.

Strangely enough, I have no desire for women who display top-notch, holy-holy behavior. The opposite is true: I'm drawn to the very "imperfections" I try so hard to avoid. Especially if I find out occasions where they have been lying to protect their image, has displayed vengeful hatred, have occasional bad tempers, possess glib tongues, etc. Not that I share any of these traits, but in many senses, they seem a little more normal and exciting.

It's ironic how I mark myself down when my mistakes and sins are exposed, but have a totally different scoring system to judge interest in ladies. It might just be God's providence that this mindset ensures my singlehood, in addition to my misfortune to be attracted to either women who are already attached or whom I know I shouldn't venture any further with. For the latter, I usually fail myself so badly that I have no choice but to withdraw from contention, if they don't already hate me or think me a weirdo or loser.

But all said and done, I still don't get the unconditional love part. And maybe that's why it's so hard for me to evangelize confidently when the only thing material I have is whatever I've been taught. How can love possibly be unconditional?




There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.-Solomon (Prov 30:18-9)

Blessed Christmas!

Blessed Christmas to one and all, and may the good Lord continue to grant you the desires of your heart even as you serve Him in all obedience and faithfulness. +)

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. -Paul (Galatians 4:4-5)