Gen12ii

Preparation for Gen12ii has begun, and I've just gotten my portfolio last night! I'm in charge of Special Programs with Pearlyn! Haha... I'm happy and disappointed in a way. Happy because that's where my talent and passion lies, but disappointed because I didn't get my first choice and really stretch myself for this mission trip. But it's good also. I think the Crusade staff and seniors know about some of the problems with my "outside life" and are afraid that I'll be affected by it. Well, I can protest for all I want, but I guess God knows better also. I'm not that suitable to lead a Christian team and I know it. A secular team with secular missions, hey, I think I'll suit just fine. Which I think is kinda sad in some sense. But I'll be 100% behind Xinyi all the way! I think she'll be an excellent leader. She's probably the only one who can control Jody and Suma too. =P

One more last essay to go, a 3500 word essay on Modern Japanese Religions, where I will be analyzing the social origins of New Religions. For some reason, nothing is flowing into my head now. It somehow is the hardest essay to write so far, now that my Tourism essay is complete and my Power and Deviance essays have long been settled. I'm also kinda relieved that Japanese 4 is over, I don't think I can carry on to Japanese 5. It's way too taxing on my time and energy level, and this particular module, unlike the earlier language modules, has totally drained my passion. Japanese suddenly becomes like Chinese with all the forced memorizations and emphasis on particular forms of speaking. Walker sensei has also announced her displeasure with all our mid-term grades during lecture before, and boy, it was demoralizing. What she does not know is the number of people in this batch who has Japanese language experience before but did not declare it. And now she expects so much from these "talented batch" she forgets people like myself who literally learn from scratch. Which is kind of sad really.

This is a kinda depressing post I realize. And if you look carefully, I'm trying my best to pepper it with as much joy and enthusiasm as I can, with little success. Sigh. Lots of things have been on my mind since the giving out of the portfolios last night. A tinge of enthusiasm towards the mission trip has sort of vaporized. Maybe my enthusiasm was based on the wrong things? Ironically, I wrote down in my Gen12ii handbook that what I wanted to learn from this trip was humility and the heart of a servant, and just a few minutes before the portfolios were given out. Haha... God really humbles me in ways unimaginable. That's why I hate asking Him to humble me. My ego is way too big, and it's running on air, not on any stable substance. Bursting it kinda creates a certain depression that I gotta kick myself out of. And I honestly don't know how long I can last.

I still have to lead worship and do up the youth's lesson for Sunday. Monday I've gotta hand up the religion paper and take the Japanese oral test. Sigh. I need more strength from You Lord. Help me depend on You and not myself.