Desperado

Some of you know, I did give myself the nickname "Desperado" before. Of course, upon first hearing it, most people assumed it was because I was desperate or something, and to top it off, majority of people don't know that it was the title of one of the most beautiful Country songs ever written by the Eagles. For those who don't have a clue, do take a few minutes to listen to the music and the lyrics.

As time went by, I forgot this song, and even dropped the nickname because of the numerous misinterpretations by people. But these few weeks at my workplace, the song was repeatedly played over and over again as part of the "atmosphere music", albeit the milder unplugged version by an unknown female jazz singer.

As I retreated to the kitchen everyday to wash the hundreds of plates and cutlery towards the end of my working hours, the lyrics of the song came back to me again, this time, in a strange way.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

You better let somebody love you,
Let somebody love you,
You better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late.

I never really understood that section of the lyrics, till recently. Funny how I've always constantly made the silly mistake of running after the Queen of Diamonds instead of the Queen of Hearts. It made no sense to a Primary 4 kid, but it brought a helluva meaning to me now, after all the negative experiences. And I won't say I have a lot on my "table", but the second verse jolted me by blatantly pointing out to me why it seems that I don't have a lot on my table in the first place.


In an attempt to eliminate all weaknesses, I've even gone so far as to quantify anyone's love for me. I only allowed them to love me at most to the extent that I can afford to love them in return, in whatever measurement I saw fit. God is an exception, because His love cannot be even compared to. My parents are another exception, because the love they shower on me is too complex to be measured or converted specifically. However, I make it certain that it is limited to the largest extent by little actions such as taking as little money as I can from them to survive, accepting as few favors as possible, and doing everything possible that I know pleases them.

Upon further reflection, when it comes to a human relationship with someone of the opposite gender, notably a romantic one, I have constantly refused all gestures of love possible unless I myself am attracted to that person. And even in the scenario where attraction is present, I would ensure that (even regrettably through the occasional deception) she cannot love me more than I could possibly love her! Could it then be that one of the reasons that every relationship I've had failed was a result of the lady not being able to love me as much as she wanted to?




How sad it would be if it were the truth! That I should be dumped time and time again in exchange for another man who could not love them as much as I, but who yet savored every bit of the love they could offer!





Then again, it only goes to show that I am impossible to love or I loved too much, if they could ever believe that they could love someone else more than they could me.







How often does one find a song that speaks so specifically to oneself and to hardly anyone else?









It was the men I deceived the most that I loved the most. -Marguerite Duras

We all have one common weakness: we find ourselves latched on emotionally to a partner if we could and did loved him/her more than he/she loved us. True love, then, can only be achieved if both partners keep trying to out-love the other without desiring anything in return. -Valentino Casanova