What Drives You?

During a youth sharing session last Sunday, the question "What drives you?" was thrown to the forefront. It's easy to take such a question lightly, until one begins to slowly listen to the responses of those around him/her. Answers such as computer games, music, friends begin to emerge from the lips of the members sitting in a the little circle in the room.

Valid answers, all, I thought. But then again, how could it be? How can one be fueled by something like computer games? How can music be the oxygen that sustains the flickering flame that burns in the heart within? How can something like friends, which often change like the seasons, be something to look forward to everyday?

Then it was my turn to answer the question. It was not difficult to sense that although the question might be very exciting to answer, few would bother to listen to the answers of others. Why should I care, after all, about the force that drives my brother's life?

My answer to the question is simply this: expectations and responsibilities.

I don't know if it's Biblically proven, but that's the measuring stick that I use to draw the line between maturity and immaturity. I grew up accustom to not making demands of anyone but myself, and living and breathing to accomplish the expectations set for me, and the responsibilities tied to my position.

In this case, immaturity is seen through the desire to live for one's personal pleasure, to throw one's responsibilities aside and to do what one wants to do.

How can one be considered mature, if all one does is live for tomorrow's pleasure? I am not able to understand. Then again, the world celebrates the eccentricity of desire, the madness of lust and the beauty of "following one's heart".

Do we not fall in love with Audrey Hepburn's amazing character portrayal of Holly Golightly, the eccentric gold-digger in Breakfast at Tiffany's? Are we not obsessed with the strange antics of Lady Gaga, the self-obsession of Michael Jackson and the fashion of David Beckham? The world today celebrates a drive that is supposedly "true to oneself", "honest" yet "glamorous" and noticeably consumer-based.

It was foolish to believe that the working world would be as meritocratic as the education system, even if the latter wasn't perfect. Truth to be told, it is even more skewed. Hard work and a sharp mind is worth little, interpersonal skills and a strong alcohol tolerance is probably more useful. Personal wealth still possess the strongest correlation with success.

But the people with supposedly the most "charisma" I find, are simply those who recklessly pursue what they want to pursue i.e. their heart's desire. I see men who possess credentials that would make my resume little more than a blank piece of paper.

They are not older men with a wealth of experience beyond me. Almost all of them were younger than me, but my goodness, the things they have had!

Some of them collected cars, some of them have amazing portfolios of photography, some of them have numerous investment experiences, some of them have almost half a decade of experience with the stock market. Some of them have almost double-digit internships, some of them were renowned models, some of them fashion designers invited onto the world stage to fly all over the world. Some of them are entrepreneurs who appear on magazines, some of them are born-socialites, some of them are webmasters of internet portals with more than a million visits a week.

In my line of work, I have to familiarize myself with such people, and boy, do they blow you away! I shall not even venture to mention how pathetic I feel when compared to them. But then again, they are men who pursue what they really want, without a care in the world. And such behavior makes them attractive, and in today's media-crazy world, superstars.

Then I begin to ask myself: Why am I the total opposite?

The thing that fuels my life is the very thing that these men despise. Expectations and responsibilities. Of course, I can satisfy myself with the easy answer that every single one of them were rich, and if one is rich, one doesn't have to deal with expectations and responsibilities.

But I refuse to be satisfied with such an shallow answer. Then again, avoiding the question only makes my drive become a burden.

It doesn't help to think that God has expectations for me too, and that there are responsibilities to being a Christian. My very definition of maturity has become my stumbling block in a world that valorizes the chasing of one's desire.

Unlike them, I have nothing to show. No credentials, no medals, no portfolio. I had chosen to be a nerd during my student life, to write songs and stories over the holidays, take up church responsibilities over my weekends. When they were busy building their resumes by taking part-time jobs, learning about the stock market, socializing with societies' aristocrats, I chose to read self-help books, play computer games and tinkle on my guitar imagining I was a rock star. When they were busy trading on Wall Street, purchasing expensive equipment and studying about the latest fashion trends, I was doing my best to be a good son, take as little money as I could from my parents, and struggling with being a good Christian (to no avail as I soon learned).

Comparing myself to them, I think I've wasted my youth. As much as I tried to live a life without regrets, I had aimed for the wrong thing.


My life's fuel was topped up with "Expectations & Responsibilities" gas.


And with cars that run on "Pure Desire" overtaking me by the busloads, my bicycle engine is refusing to kick-start any longer.




I should have followed my "heart".





The first principle of success is desire - knowing what you want. Desire is the planting of your seed. -Robert Collier

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. -David (Psalm 145:16)