Don't mind if you see widgets all over this blog, or be surprised if you suddenly can comment on my posts. I've been fooling around with the html templates; something which when I find myself doing, I know I'm way too free at work.
Today was an exceptionally quiet day in the office, with most of the managers out for client meetings and almost all of them going home straight. With hardly anything to do in the office, my boredom overcame me and I began to read Stuff magazine (the girl on the front cover was WAY too photoshopped), surfing for PR news and updating myself with the latest in world politics. The intern corner was a little quiet with one of us sick and the others pretty carried away with their work, whereas I was desperately finding ways to kill time.
Then it hit me. I hate the way I am now. It's strange because when there's a ton of work to be done, I can bury myself and avoid the spiritual emptiness and physical void, and work seems fantastic BECAUSE it's better than having to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. It takes my mind off real issues, and gives me a temporary albeit false meaning of satisfaction meeting small deadlines and racing against my abilities all the time. Reflecting back, most of the work given to me has been stimulating my memory, testing my determination and challenging my speed, but I can almost feel the monotony and dementia tearing my mind apart! Some parts of my mind which used to be so active in university are now couch potatoes watching the rest of my brain work. I can't even mentally multiply 62 with 33 in my head any more, a little Biblical empiral problem with calculations I was toying with (Daniel 10 and 11) on the way to work.
It took my very first no-work day in 3 months to realize this. How pathetic! Having been so absorbed at work and too proud to ask my parents for a cent, I suddenly get a glimpse into how it is to have no life outside of one's career. I can't afford to buy a book from the bookstore, and going to the library after office hours is too tiring (I'm too polite to do leisure reading during office hours anyway). I don't even dare to ask a girl I fancy out for dinner or a movie because I'm too broke to pay for the bill for both of us. Neither is basketball after work something to look forward to because I'm so overcome by lethargy so much so even the 2 gym sessions per week are a pain in the ass. Playing Starcraft II helps to while away the evenings when there are no emails to answer, but even as I lie down in bed for the night, I can't help but think that I've wasted those particular evenings on things that didn't matter.
Noticeably, for the first time, my dad didn't finch when I asked him for superglue to stick the sole of my shoes in place with the rest of the body. Think he's slowly getting used to me refusing financial assistance from him. I'm a working guy already for God's sake, even if all I get is an intern's pay. I'm still waiting for payday to arrive (next week seems like years) so I can get a proper pair of shoes to go to work with; hopefully my current ones last till then.
The nagging thought that going for this internship was an act of disobedience to God itself suddenly becomes very appealing, but I'm doing my best to shelve this aside in the hope that something good will come out of it. Self-pity is not going to solve anything. But even now as I ponder the next step as my internship crosses the halfway mark, my prayer life isn't anywhere close to my best. God hasn't been saying anything specific, and I'm not getting any inspiration from my personal Bible study. It almost feels like He isn't there, except to chide me to stop just when I feel like giving in to temptations online.
Time for bed. And no, I don't feel like praying. I've been praying for the same things almost every night for more than a year, and to be fair, I haven't seen any of them come true. And most of them aren't even for myself.
Giving up is certainly a viable option, if only temporarily.
Oh for the constraining love of Jesus to keep us active and useful! - Charles Spurgeon
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