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Dedicated to you.

To blow bubbles of love into your life,
Naught be all else to me save till He comes.
His kingdom and more, would this Monarch tithe,
Just so to write love once more on her arms.

The only reason why I know it's okay to sigh is because Jesus sighed too. -Valentino Casanova

The Hypocrite Christian

The conclusion of my final exam paper was a huge relief, yet an almost crushing disappointment. No, God has been really wonderful, and I'm really thankful to how He's carried me through this period once again. It's just that I find myself too focused on the exam, unwilling to think ahead, so much so that when it's all over, I don't know what to do with my time.

I've been mulling over some issues during the exam period. Having notice some subtle changes to the way my friends have been towards me recently, and it wasn't too long before I started guessing that something terrible has happened. A ghastly reliving of history as an outcast once more, only the reasons different each time.

There's a reason why the term "hypocrite" is used on Christians. Not "evil", bad-tempered" or "selfish". Maybe "proud". But it's always "hypocrite". Sometimes, even Christians stick such labels to other Christians! But the term "hypocrite" cuts really deep, and the stigma has a hook at the end that makes it nearly impossible to take out.

Unlike "selfish", "evil" or "bad-tempered", "hypocrite" cannot be proven otherwise. Let's say someone labels you "selfish". You can always make amends (whether or not you did something to cost yourself such a stigma) by doing the exact opposite. In this case, you could show your generosity by buying everyone dinner or sharing your notes or something to that effect. But there's nothing really opposite to "hypocrite". If you make an effort to speak the truth or be "real", people will still think that you are putting on a mask, that you're fake, that you are still extremely capable of doing something malicious behind their back. Worse still, if you're someone who's by nature nice and friendly, the term "hypocrite" only amplifies itself because people think that you're really good at faking it.

That's why Christians can't really take this label off easily. Often it takes time, and most Christians are persuaded by either themselves or their friends to step out of the scene. It can be a painful decision, especially when there's a certain affective bond towards some of the members within. In addition, there isn't even a need to look for evidence. If the news goes around that you're a hypocrite, even those you might consider close to yourself are likely to assume the worst until proven wrong.

That's why for us Christians, it can be the most destructive label in regards to our reputation. No matter how hard you work to build up your reputation as someone who is a worthy friend and confidant, a simple twist of events can bring every single effort crashing down. Worse, should our identity be built on those relationships, it can stir confusion and disillusionment within, and much worse still, even lead to further sinning when one tries to patch up the damage done, be it by lying or boasting. Feelings of being maligned can fuel emotions of hatred towards people you once called friends, especially when no wrong has been done on your part.

That's why it is important for us as Christians to stick to our principles, that is to love despite the chaos around us. Despite our friends criticizing us without finding out the truth. Despite the rumors tearing up bonds that you thought would withstand a little more hardship than a few well-planted seeds of gossip. Friendship is a two-way bond, even as one party lets go, you must not be afraid to hold on. Hopefully, through negotiation they might listen. If not, then you must wait for time to tell the truth and expose those whose actions may warrant a little more than their just desserts. Revenge is after all, not ours to take. We simply cry to God, and leave it in His hands. We must go on to love people as we have always loved them, even if the entire situation had caused our reputation and testimony as a Christian to undergo an irreversible stigma.

Be proud and stand with your head high, if people undeservedly label you a hypocrite Christian. Because it may have meant that after all, you really shone brightly enough a light not of your own which may have caused enough potential for some to label you a threat in one way or another.

However, if one thoroughly deserves it, one should apologize. Amends might seem impossible, but a retreat from the scenario temporarily should still be warranted. Temporarily, I emphasize.




The challenge now must be to love like never before. To find those who twisted stories consciously or unconsciously, and tell them that they are loved, much less grudges forgiven. God will restore what has been lost or damaged, even if it seems nearly impossible.






I dunno how. But I know He will some how.







If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent," forgive him. -Jesus (Luke 17:4)

Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the Lord. "I will protect them from those who malign them." -David (Psalms 12:5)

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“Are you the happiest and the saddest right now that you’ve ever been?”
“Of course I am.”
“Why?”
“Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

(The History of Love, Nicole Krauss)

Objective and Subjective Goodness

I haven't been blogging for the longest time. My laptop fan is getting cranky and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Been procrastinating about bringing it to the service center so often, but can't bear to since the exams are coming and all my notes are inside.

As I look back during the course of this week, I realize that my actions have been quite... mean. What I mean to say is that instead of the usual cheerful disposition that comes when I try to do things, my perspective of life suddenly took a slightly negative dip, and I find I've been complaining a lot. My QT material, as it always has been, had perfectly timed lessons about the tongue, to remind me of something I learned some time ago: That it is not always negative thoughts that spout off hurtful words, but hurtful words that stir up negative thoughts, from which even more hurtful words precipitate.

But it was on a usual bus ride to school on a Friday afternoon that God suddenly spoke to me again. I was humming the tunes of worship songs, albeit not exactly in a worshipful mood but more like an inclination to see if this Sunday's worship would go smoothly. The other half of my mind was thinking about my own life, and how often things would be better if things went this way instead of that way etc. Suddenly, a thought crept into my head. I can actually worship and complain at the same time! How terrible is that? It's so terrible it's scary.

This led to another thought. How often is it that I forget God's goodness to think that He's allowing life to treat me so "badly"? That thought plagued my mind on and off, until just today, when the usual 5km run around the neighborhood allowed me some time off from the remainder of my readings to ponder over this issue seriously.

Let's admit it. Despite God being so good to us time and time again, and it's really concrete stuff, like our exam results, or healing of sicknesses, or mending of relationships with our friends etc, there are ACTUALLY occasions when we will doubt His goodness. From my experiences, it usually hits us when we're down and out, feeling a little more "low" than usual. Our mind will suddenly rationalized the occasions when God had been really good, to events of coincidence, natural forces, our own abilities and hard work etc.

So now that we agree that such things happen to all people, let us think about why this happens. From what I am able to draw out of this phenomenon, it has its roots in the difference between objective and subjective goodness.

It's not so much a matter of perspective. After all, perspective is in the realm of subjectivity. Objective goodness means experiencing God's goodness, and remembering it as such, preferably through writing or testimony. Subjective goodness is more complex.

Let's use my favorite topic as an example.

For those of you who have been in relationships, you'll see that the character traits of both yourself and your lover can be subjectively interpreted as good and bad, depending on the situation. This is a much-discussed topic in interpretive sociology, but I don't intend to go so deep, nor is such level of analysis warranted. I believe that if most people cannot understand, it's not really valid besides on a theoretical or abstract level.

Let me show you some examples of subjective goodness from my own experiences in the few relationships I've had.

Sensitivity <--> Emotional
Strength <--> Rashness
Humility <--> Low self-esteem
Meekness <--> Weakness
Knowledge <--> Busybody
Intellect <--> Eccentricity
Kindness <--> Gullibility
Confidence <--> Egoism
Faithful <--> Close-minded
Care <--> Manipulation
Encouraging <--> False hope
Predictability <--> Boring
Unpredictability <--> Unstable

The list could go on. Essentially, it answers the difficult question of why "love" can become "hate" in a day. For those of us who have been the "dumpee" or the victim, we often ask ourselves how someone could love us like crazy at one time, and after that hate us like mad at the end. Even worse still, the greater the infatuation, the more explosive the hatred. I've been complimented for all the traits on the left, and likewise accused of almost every trait on the right. But stranger still, I believe most people reading this who had been the "dumper" in the relationship don't really get it themselves, or have not put it in words, so let me theorize it.

The term "subjectivity" means a matter of perspective. The very same movie can make someone cry and another laugh. Likewise, some actions perceived at that moment in time can seem really nice, giving us all the wonderful feelings and emotional "highs" of being in love, but when it's all over and done with, seems like a horribly manipulative act riddled with deeper intentions and deceptions.

How does this link back to the topic? Simple. Most of us who do a basic level of reflection will agree with me that despite all the times God has been so obviously good to us, when all hopes were lost and yet something fantastic happened that turned the entire situation around, and to top it off, the multiplicity of such events in our life, WE CAN STILL EXPERIENCE OCCASIONS WHEN WE THINK THAT GOD ISN'T GOOD. That's a fact. It happens, and so I write because I know some of you reading this might be going through a tough time and you're wondering about this to yourself.

So how do we remedy this situation? We look back at some of the times when God has been good (even those we're not sure about) and take "perspective" out of the picture. We have to realize objectively that these are events in our lives when God has indeed been good, and that there was nothing coincidental about it. Nothing about our own effort, nothing about natural forces whatsoever, it's God, God, God.

But thinking is not good enough. Writing, recording, giving testimonies; these are ways in which thoughts become embedded in our memory and knowledge systems. As I have posited above, bad thoughts don't always lead to hurtful words. Hurtful words lead to bad thoughts too. Likewise, what comes out of our mouth affects the knowledge that we have. And by speaking and writing so, when we think back, look back at how He has been so gracious to us, we will understand it not with the subjective lens of goodness, but with the objective knowledge of His goodness.



For those of you anti-Christians who might be reading this, it is easy to think that I am promoting a psychological practice to firmly embed "good thoughts about God" into the minds of "feeble" Christians who need a "feel good" booster shot into their bloodstream of faith. From the perspective of a world where God doesn't exist, this will be the case, no doubt.

But then again, that's a perspective, rendering it subjective, and committing the entire fallacy that this post is focused on. Because objectively speaking, God does exist. And looking back on our lives, the Chosen Ones will find that their lives are intimately filled left right and center with the hand-prints of this Everliving God.




I am still confident of this: That I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. -David (Psalms 27:13)

For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness, knowledge. -Peter (2 Pet 1:5)

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Now that I've woken up and not under the stupor of the night, I realize how strongly I can feel to even post something like that. The emotions that you draw within me simply by the memories I hold.




It's all good now. As long as you're happy.




To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another. -Gottfried Wilhelm Von Leibniz

500 Days of Summer

As great as the show was, I found myself softly burning up with anger time and again.

Because our relationship was exactly like that of Summer and Tom's. Exactly. Even during the scene when she laid on the bed and her face scrunched up when she smiled. I didn't see Summer on my computer screen. I saw you. Even during the scene when he purposely bumped his hand against her's with the intention of holding it, in which she moved away.


It's also strange, because my last words to you were also, "I really hope you're happy."


The parallels are frightening.






Damn I wish my Autumn comes soon. It's already November for God's sake.








You don't want to be named as someone's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife? -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

The Woman Behind the Warrior

One thing I love about war movies, is how they draw out the warrior within. I know it sounds kinda silly, but often I wish there was a battle to fight. Not that I don't have my battles now, given the similar trials and temptations that befall any ordinary man, but somehow, it's just... different.

I've been watching a ton of war movies lately, and I find something very similar among all the heroes of the show I've been watching. Every male hero has a remarkably strong woman behind him. No, it doesn't mean that she kicks ass and does kungfu, but she is an unusual source of strength even when she's miles away.

Maybe it's Hollywood providing a sense of gender equality. Or maybe it's just my preference. Or maybe the directors and actors are just that damn good. But nonetheless, I agree wholeheartedly with them and their story-lines. A good wife is a must-have, and the impact on her man is way greater than she herself could possibly imagine.

Does it seem like a mere coincidence that before great men fall in glory, a woman always comes to their minds? Though I've never felt like that, I think that it is highly possible.


So, a tribute to the women behind some of the greatest heroes in movie history (as depicted in the movies I've watched). I think if such women really exist, I'll chase them in a heartbeat. See if you can recognize them.




The greatest driving force of a hero that God provides for, is more often than not, a woman he loves. The greatest weakness of a hero that God allows for, is more often than not, also a woman he loves. -Valentino Casanova

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. -King Lemuel (Proverbs 31:10)

Failing Gracefully

Recently, I've been asking God why He allows failures in people's lives. Some of these failures often have nothing seemingly beneficial in them, and to a large extent, hurt us deeply, scarring our souls and fostering deep pessimism within.

I'm someone who doesn't take failure too well. Though by His grace I've often managed to emerge stronger, wiser, more experienced and more determined to make the best out of it, often failure leaves me bitter and angry for long periods of time. I'm not someone to complain a lot, but if I do, I find that it usually has something to do with a failure that I have attributed to myself or to an inherent social, systemic bias that cannot be changed.

Do you believe that God can speak through a non-Christian? I would think that if He could speak through a donkey (Numbers 22:8), He could speak through anyone. And of all places, He spoke to me during Salsa class, when I'm intently focused on the instructors' movement.

My Salsa instructor was teaching us how to do an Open Break, which occurs when the guy pushes his partner perpendicular in front of his body so that she can turn around and catch hold of his outstretched hand. It's quite a flamboyant move. But while we were trying it out with the music, our instructor suddenly stopped everyone, and commented, "Guys, you have to be bold. This move requires you to push with more strength, and for the ladies, you must trust the guy to catch hold of you. It's a fantastic chance to show off some shines, look gorgeous, and attract the attention of the audience."

You know those type of moments when God smiles and doesn't say anything? He knows that He doesn't need to when you actually got the idea already. And at that moment, I did.

God is like the male dancer, who is responsible for thinking of the various moves to do; all the lady (the church or us Christians) has to do is follow. Every time He comes up with something, it is an opportunity for us to not just follow His lead but to show off how great a couple we are. And sometimes, when the music calls for it, God throws in a spanner. He pushes a little harder, something akin to the trials and failures that we have in our lives. Well, we may be caught off-guard, but nevertheless, we know what to do. The Bible is our instruction manual, and by reading it we know our footwork, when to turn, when to stretch out our hand for Him to catch hold of it, and bring us to balance again.

But the thing is this: What is our attitude after we realized that God has pushed us? Some of us become grumpy. No one really likes to be pushed around after all. We want our freedom, our rights, our just rewards etc., that comes from living the "good Christian life". But take a look at the big picture. The male dancer pushes his partner in this manner so that she has the opportunity to look good and confident! And if she does so, he looks good too, both of them look fantastic, and the dance will be a memorable, awesome one.

God allows trials and temptations, failures and disappointments, to come into our lives so that we can grab this opportunity to look good, for Him and for ourselves. This lesson resounded with what Desmond taught my senior DG just that afternoon.

In order to be real Christian men, we must learn to fail with grace.

It dawned on me why God allowed me to fail my driving test time and time again. I don't take failure too well. I don't know how to fail gracefully. I did not see that failure is one of the best opportunities to look good, both for God and for myself. My peers form the audience, watching me, watching God, watching us dance.

The next move for me must thus be this: How can I make God look good in my next failure?



Come to think about it, I should be grateful that it was a driving test that I failed, and not a relationship. The parallels are really frightening though.

First relationship lasted 3 months = Immediate failure in the circuit by the 3rd station. Did not even go onto the road.

Second relationship lasted 3+ years = Circuit was perfect, small accumulated errors on the road, but the immediate failure was no fault of my own, but of a bicycle that suddenly swerved onto the zebra crossing.

Third relationship lasted 3 months = Failed in the circuit at the 3rd station again, and two more immediate failures sealed my fate, even when the instructor gave me chances. Outside driving was perfect.

For those of you who have some inkling of my relationships, you'll agree that it is a frightening parallel.





But it's better late than never. Let's hope I don't fail either again. And if I do, remind me to stretch out my hand, knowing that He will catch me so I won't fall, and while doing so, do the most outrageous styling ever with the most radiant smile on my face.

So the world will know.








Sing to the LORD, for He has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. -Isaiah (Isaiah 12:5)

The LORD is my Light and my Salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the Stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? -David (Psalms 27:1)