-

It was a crazy run, but it's 200 dollars into my pocket! Thank God for the IPPT silver. +)


It was dinner at Burger Shack after that. A nice double with some of the most delicious wagyu beef that even made the huge vegetable leaf taste good.




Then I saw you. No, not you in person; just a photograph of you with two of your besties. Hanging on a white string with the hundreds of other photos and faces on the beige wall. I took the photograph down and stared at it for a long time. I contemplated keeping the photograph for an even longer time.




"You're like a stalker."




I can't remember if it was my dinner buddy or a voice in my head that said that. But I really really wanted to keep that photograph. It took me an enormous burger, a handful of French fries and a can of A&W root beer before I made up my mind.



Your beauty is far too wonderful to be kept in my drawer of memories. It would be far better if it could be shared with the rest of the world, even if the majority would be nothing but hamburger munchies who probably didn't give two hoots about any other photograph but theirs.





Should the ache become too crushing to bear, I can always come back for another meal. Slowly, I clipped the photograph back. And I smiled at my dinner buddy, made a self-depreciating joke, as if nothing happened. But at least I have a photo in a photo to keep for now.





One day, you must tell me what the words "preenz imida" mean.







A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her. -Anonymous

A Man's Plans

Over the last few days, I've received rejections for most of the government jobs I've applied for. Either that, or else a nil reply. No opportunity for an interview except one (which was over in 10 mins because I told them straight that I would not sacrifice my Sundays).


They've probably read my Sociology essays, my emails, and my Facebook postings to know well enough I'm not exactly the most pro-government person in Singapore.


Then again, maybe not.




In retrospect, it's a good thing, really. I wouldn't know how to reply if I received a positive response, mainly because I'm not exactly interested. And those that I'm interested in require me to work on Sunday mornings.


But it's also daunting and freaky to sense that God might just be serious about me joining full-time immediately after graduation, and He's doing so by causing every agency I've applied for to reject me despite of my credentials. And I never asked for anything above $2.6K too, though the government payout pegged for my level of achievement is supposedly $3.5K. Funny.





Maybe I should add a photograph next time.







Plan for this world as if you expect to live forever; but plan for the hereafter as if you expect to die tomorrow. -Ibn Gabirol

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. -Solomon (Proverbs 19:21)

Laughter

A lot of people have told me that I laugh very loudly, that my laughter can be heard a mile away.




But whenever I hear these comments, I thank God that He has given me so many opportunities in life to practice.



To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter. -Francoise Sagan

Would You Know?

If some of you believe that only pure thoughts traveled through my mind, you're couldn't be more wrong. Very often, I feel what Lady Gaga feels.

3 times in my life, I've felt such unbelievable anger coarse through my veins. Every time, I'm left feeling more inadequate than ever, and the inadequacy resides most solidly in areas that society does not allow me to advance, at least for the moment. The things that I had more of, meant nothing to you. The things that he had more of, meant the world to you. Even if the former far outweighed the latter, it was the latter that you valued. And that was all the fighting chance I had.

Sometimes, jealousy eats a man's soul. At times, I allow it to fester, like termites nibbling away at dead wood, and before I know it my imagination becomes soul-less. And the following images suddenly appear in front of my eyes:

With my knowledge of social structures and constraints, I can adequately play the system to my advantage.
With my ability to consume literature at lightning pace and learn various skills quickly, I can pick up any skill to advance in life.
With my gift for changing my personality to suit any situation, I can fit into any desired role that would provide me with advantages.
With my leadership abilities, it would be chicken feed to climb the corporate ladder with ease and influence subordinates.

I've dreamed of working so hard that I'll be the world's richest man, a hundred times richer than he'll ever dream of being, or he'll ever be. And you'll be seeing my face on poster-boards, hearing my voice on the television, and seeing my products everywhere.

Because even if the slightest of possibilities were true, that he was really more gifted than me in all the above, I have one advantage. Determination and ambition. And it's thanks to you.

How angsty and arrogant all these sound! But unlike Lady Gaga, in reality I've chosen to go the other way. With talents like these, it would be pointless to argue with God that I'm a 2-talent man when He knows full well that I'm a 5-talent man. Doing the above however, is equivalent to gaining back 1 or 2 more talents. I'm going for the 100% profit of 5-talents, and nothing less.

But sometimes, I think to myself: Should you ever see me in the future, leading the life of someone financially ordinary, will you think to yourself that you were right all along? Would it ever cross your mind that it was because I purposefully gave up the opportunities to financially "make it big in life" and not because I was never really good enough?




And it's nights like these when I begin to reconsider throwing away the potential to conquer the entire earth.






Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. -Solomon (Proverbs 16:32)