Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear

Now that post-graduation work has started, it's nice to feel some stability with a newly established routine. Life returns to normal a little now that there's things to be done, general datelines to meet, with that pressure to learn something new about an industry that actually exists.

With the transition into working life more or less on its way, I can now say without a doubt that I'm not someone who can feel comfortable doing nothing productive. The saying "An empty mind is the Devil's workshop" truly applies to me. Since I've returned from my graduation trip to New Zealand, much of my mind has had been in quite a mess. By uprooting deeply embedded psychological and emotional problems in my mind and posing them as theological dilemmas, the Devil really made use of that opportunity to shake my faith and dilute my behavior.


I know this is going to sound a little strange, but my latest revelation came when I was watching Toy Story 3. I haven't watched the other two earlier productions, at least not to completion, so I wasn't exactly enthusiastic when Jeremy suggested the movie. But I dragged my feet to the theater, and I gotta admit the heart-warming parts really got to me.

In the movie, there is a villain by the name of Lotso, short for "Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear". Below is a picture of him.


Now there is something about this character that really drew me to him. Once a cute, lovable bear owned by a little girl who really cared about him, he and a few other toys were accidentally abandoned after a picnic. After a long way home, he found that the parents of the little girl had already bought another Lotso for their daughter, and bitterness and sadness blinded his heart so deeply he developed his own ideology of love and ownership. In time (and unsurprisingly in my opinion), he became the charismatic leader of the "abandoned" toys at Sunnyside Nursery.

I suppose most children who watched the show would be quite happy to see the villain get his just desserts at the end, but I felt really sad for him. In some way, I knew what it was like to be in his position.

Lotso was abandoned by an owner who meant the world to him, and honestly, his rage was justified. His developed notion of independence united the toys at Sunnyside, and he fed them with the idea that no one cared about them. Almost, I felt a parallel to his character. Having experiences that no one should really have to go through, I have come to believe in a certain pattern of relationship between men and women, and to be brutally honest I have shamelessly preached this to the people around me given any opportunity to do so. Fortunately most people have held on to the stance that my ideology is a little extreme despite none of them being able to out-argue me given the barrage of evidence and the strength of economic logic. Nonetheless, there have also been many who, after hearing my viewpoint and/or experienced a similar situation, have been made disillusioned with romance and love.

Lotso is just an extreme example of what entrenched bitterness can do. I don't suppose I've gone as far as him in terms of influence and far-reaching measures. However, the ideology that one was unloved and will always be unloved is, I realize, a terribly easy pill to swallow, and unfortunately, also one that is nearly impossible to spit out.

How different is the ideology that women will always pick the economically advantaged man and relegate the attributes of character, personality and talent! How easy is it for a man who was dumped to blame it on the monetary aspect of his rival, given that it allows him to keep his pride, and especially since societal trends lean so heavily in this direction!



If there is anything I've learned from C.S. Lewis, it is that one does not have to understand a pattern to believe it. Likewise, there is no need to understand the deep theological meanings behind a blood sacrifice to believe and receive salvation Jesus' death on the Cross.

Likewise, I do not have to understand how God brings two people together to believe it. Even if the evidence stacks heavily on the side of the opposition, I should not promote an ideology birthed from bitterness. Because like Lotso, I may be able to comfort and assure for a period, but in turn I'd also be planting the seeds of despair that might take more than a miracle to uproot.


Sadly, what was once a seed deep within me has blossomed into an enormous oak struggling to not spread its fruit and seeds all around the forest.



If there's one thing I hate yet thrive on, it must be that bitter sensation under the tongue that tingles and sparks.


Lord don't let my new job be the tranquilizer.





Oh, how bitter it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. -Wilfred T. Grenfell

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. -David (Psalms 71:20)

Sitting Back and Watching the Sunset

Thank God for good friends who read this blog and send long emails to shake you up from self-pity.

It goes to show what a distance I have to become a better follower of Christ. No, it shows how warped my idea of a good Christian has become.

Does it have to be that I'm so far off from the ideal God has chosen to keep me in training mode? Can't it be that I've been specially chosen to undergo additional training for a higher purpose, a privilege that others do not have? I dare not suppose the latter, what evil pride harbors behind such a claim!

Admittedly, I'm feeling a little lost. And very jaded, despite trying to be as objective about my blessings as possible.

But I can't see any silver lining, so I'm making assumptions that hope is not present.

For a visionary, I'm probably one of the most pessimistic types God has ever created. And though this character trait has ensured fewer disappointments in life, it has also led to a lack of faith in anything or anyone but myself.

This lack of joy within is making even the slightest effort of optimism and enthusiasm difficult. And I'm done trying. I'm going to sit back, relax and watch the sunset.

It will kill me to not do anything about the visions God has given me, but I suppose everyone has to learn to let go and not be too much of a control freak one day. After all, He's the one in control, so I'll let Him do His job.




Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. -Henry Emerson Fosdick

My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart. -Job 17:11

Daisies in the Garden

Today was one of those exceptional days for me when I know that God is speaking to me.

I haven't been able to hear His voice for so long that I've almost suffered a spiritual depression. It was silly to expect to surely hear His voice during youth camp, but there were only traces of it, if nothing at all.


But God always shows up at unexpected places. On this occasion, it was the toilet at the dentist's office. On the wall of the cubicle was the poem Footprints in the Sand. I've read the poem uncountable times, nonetheless, the words shouted out this time.

Then an analogy came to me.

May is a girl who loves flowers, and was expecting her boyfriend Max to buy her some on her birthday. She's been additionally nice to him, and she's hinted way too many times that she really likes daisies. On the big day, Max doesn't even turn up, any worse still, he doesn't even pick up his cell phone. When he eventually returns her miss calls late in the afternoon, he cites fatigue, an excuse she finds extremely lame. So she barricades herself in her room and refuses to come out of it, much less talk to anyone, preferring to sulk and wallow in self-pity. Little had she known that if she had looked out of the window, she would have discovered the reason for Max's fatigue: Her entire garden is filled with daises dancing in the wind, newly planted the night before her birthday.


I feel like May right now, and I wonder so many times in the course of the past few days whether my inability to hear His voice is based on my rebellion and sulking. I'm beginning to be consumed by the thought that obedience doesn't pay off, and at the same time feel guilty for my lack of faith and my warped belief of a capitalistic nature of His justice. It's demoralizing to have to convince myself that I haven't looked out of the window yet, and at the same time trying to content myself with thoughts such as, "Wow the chicken rice stall is open today! I can save some money by having my $2 chicken rice! God is good!" when it has been open everyday without fail. I know my God is better than that, and that sometimes good things are worth waiting for, but at the back of my mind, all the good things that I want are slowly fading away in front of my eyes.

Anyway, I had my 4th teeth extraction which went very smoothly today. Hopefully that gets rid of the monthly toothaches. Come to think about it, I've lost more teeth then some of the street hooligans. Thank God for small mouths, now I'm $420 dollars poorer. I'm quite sure I can get the iPhone 4G for that amount of money.


I'm currently reading a book by Joshua Harris, the author of the Christian bestseller "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Bought the book "Boy Meets Girl" on impulsion because of a Tecman discount, now I'm regretting it. It's mainly written for couples already in love and finding if theirs is a godly relationship.

Finally, it sucks to know that I didn't have to kiss dating goodbye. It kissed me goodbye and walked out of my life.



To those men who think that being single was better than being attached, you forget one thing. There's "single and actively dating" and "single with no chance of being hooked up". The latter cannot, in any way, share in the lawns considered to contain the greener grass.




What's further embarrassing and guilty-striking is the insane number of complains in my last few blog posts. Sigh.




Hell is oneself, hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone. -T.S. Eliot

If I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,' I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent. -Job 9:26-28

Being Ignored

It's late at night, and I'm getting this terrible feeling that no one would ever be interested in me. That I'm a condemned book whose poor condition and obscure contents warrants a stashing away in the attic of a library where only moths and silverfish frequent.

I'm feeling like a jilted lady on the dance floor, where men only ask me to dance because they were approaching my direction with the intention of inviting my friend, only to see her whisked away by another and creating that uneasy embarrassment that forces their pride to do what they would not have otherwise.

I'm feeling like a man who took half a night to built up his courage to ask a lady I fancied to dance, only to have her eyes on another much better looking stud dancing beside us.

When social dancing, there is nothing one abhors more than a release of contact at the end of a song without a minimal "thanks, that was great", "sorry I didn't get your name", or even a smile. It's even worse than dancing with a rhythm-deaf person with bad breath and a strangling grip. Basic etiquette amongst the human race saves us the emotional pain of such direct, truthful behavior.

Of course, there are people who claim they would rather dance with the rhythm-deaf-bad-breath-strangling-grip person. But the Pharisee within me reserves a certain amount of despise for them, even when I know I shouldn't. Being ignored, in my opinion, is far worse than being with someone you don't really like. It's different from being alone, which is necessary for soul development and self-reflection.

All of us are vulnerable, some more than others. It is times like these that I wish I could meet someone else who's feeling equally ignored and low on confidence to perk up right now, just so I can get rid of that "being ignored" sensation.

But isn't it always the moment when we think everyone is asleep that we suddenly feel that no one cares?


Worse still, doesn't one feel guilty when craving for attention, because our religious leaders recognize that as a sign of moral retardation?


The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. -Oscar Wilde

I was brought up to never demand for attention, because to do so would be tantamount to deserving none. -Valentino Casanova

Writing Letters

Love letters.


It's been ages since I last wrote one.


But they form some of the most valuable things in my possession. Stashed in a secret drawer that I hardly open any more.


But I kicked the duck and wrote one more. Not a love letter, just a... letter.


I realize how much I love to write. The joy of sitting down with a pen and carefully crafting each sentence with the intention of making the other feel loved, simply with words alone. It's a glorious feeling, something I could actually spend my life doing. Sadly, I haven't had many of them from the ladies in my life, probably because I haven't met one who really had feelings for me or whose love language didn't fall in that category.




To me, the perfect love letter can conjure even the physical presence of the lover. Nicholas Sparks books and movies are immensely popular simply because he uses this technique. You hear the voice of the writer in the background as the letter is being read. That's the effect of a good love letter. The Bible is a love letter from God, written so beautifully that when read, one can (though not always, admittedly) feel God's presence. In the most intimate of relationships, one can even hear God's voice, which aids significantly in other situations when trying to identify whether it is God speaking.

Love letters. A pursuit that I had to force myself to stop doing because it would have simply led people on for all the wrong reasons. The ideal substitute, song-writing, is just no fun when you don't have an audience. But as I sat down to write, I felt happy. And I'm sure God must have felt happy when He wrote the Bible.


As I wrote, a song came into my head. A beautiful song that you have got to hear.

Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be someone
Waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life

Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place would I recognize the face
Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake and there's so much love to make
I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you and
I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life

It's you, it's you I've been waiting for all of my life
Maybe it's you, maybe it's you I've been waiting for all of my life

And I come to notice that with every love letter I write, I harbor a hope that has never seen the light of day long enough to turn into a proper thanksgiving.



Yet, even as I was writing, I was still hoping that it might be you. And I still am.





Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls. For, thus friends absent speak. -John Donne

Church Camp

There have been many calls for testimonies regarding the church camp, be it during the closing night, main service or youth service. I see that many people have been touched by it: more people than ever are believing in revival, greater bonds are being forged both inter and intra-congregation, and faith is being build up.

It's also heartening to see Richard go up and share his testimony, especially since he's made a point to take more initiative to do the things he knows he should. I've witnessed (and am still witnessing) fantastic progress in his growth and faith; it won't be long before he surpasses many of the old-timers in the youth.

However, I cannot say the same for myself this church camp. I don't have any positive testimonies or words of encouragement for people. Instead, I've more questions than ever.

I get extremely uneasy when I hear sermons on blessings. And a large portion of Pastor Andy's sermons were based on the privileges, benefits etc. of unity in Christ. He started off on familiar ground, talking about the need for unity in Christ and Biblical evidences of Christian duty as such. Fair enough, I'm 100% behind that. However, when he begins to talk about privileges, blessings and benefits of being united, I suddenly feel a huge obstacle impeding my understanding. In a flash, the theme of the church camp simply disappeared from the sermon topics, and replacing it was many stories of how faith in God was compensated by blessings. To add to my self-righteous disgust, 99% of it was about money.

In addition, Richard, Dominick and myself spent quite some time talking about how we communicated with God. No lack of interesting conversational material when you're in the company of good friends like them. Among the things discussed was how Dominick was blessed by God with numerous things he desired (of which most of them he would admit were pretty superficial items) such as and iPod, iMac, miraculous changing of fast food menus etc. You really have to ask him to tell you all his amazing stuff. He just reminded God that he really didn't like to spend money, but would like these things, and voila, God answered him by blessing him wonderfully.

To me such stories are fabulous to listen to, for in some way or another, they strengthen one's faith and drive the listeners to seek God for themselves in a deeper, more intimate manner. And there are way too many stories of how God has blessed His flock by answering many of their hearts' desires.

But one thing I don't get.

God shows no predictable pattern of how He blesses people. Preachers like John Bevere have expounded on how obedience leads to blessings. Honoring your parents, obeying your superiors, working with all your heart, avoiding temptation are actions that are directly in accordance to the Word of God, and pleases Him. The divine order (quoting Pastor Lawrence) that God has set up in this world will ensure that we are blessed when we obey these rules.

Somehow tell me how come so many who've lived with unbelievably passionate adherence to the Word of God died such horrible deaths?

Forgive my Pharisee-like mindset, but I also know plenty of people who are simply Christians by name and pagan by actions have numerous prayers answered, especially prayers for blessings on themselves, with no intention to share them as alleged by their after-actions.


With such stories, I can only conclude that there is no way one can ever predict how God bestows blessings. This is very much in accordance with what I strongly believe in, for when was God ever the god of fortune or the god of prosperity that we might follow the Bible like some mechanical manual to twist God's arm into getting what we want? When was His sense of justice ever similar to my sense of justice? I don't understand the fairness behind the parable of the workers' wages nor the parable of the prodigal son, so what makes me think that I will ever figure out the conditions by which He showers His blessings or not?

Then again, I am pointed back to verses like Matthew 7:7-8, Psalms 37:4 and 1 John 5:14 which clearly indicate that God answers prayers, with conditions like seeking His righteousness first, in accordance with His will etc. How then do we explain fair-weathered Christians asking for a sports car and getting it? How can we ever know that asking for something materialistic, selfish will be according to His will?



Under the bombardment of such questions, I thus decided a long time ago that I won't ask God for material things that I deem stem from selfish desires. And I don't. Over the years I have cultivated a spirit of immense contentment with my circumstances and channeled all discontentment to myself in order to drive motivation for self-improvement. And when I hear how God blesses other Christians so richly especially in terms of material gains, I try to be happy for them, even if I think their conduct is terribly undeserving of such blessings. I tell myself that I must not be one of those bloody Pharisees comparing religious standards, for only God knows the heart. But given long enough, I often have the balls to think that God could be repeatedly making serious mistakes with His judgment.


Then again, I have two friends repeatedly asking why I can't ever seem to understand that I have the right to desire good things from God simply because of my status as a child of God. I don't get it. There are a ton of people out there who claim to be children of God, and He's blessing them so much, while leaving the extremely zealous and faithful disciples to die under persecution in third world countries for their faith without so much as to answering the prayers of their supporters for safe release!



Pray tell me, how can I ever ask for something materialistic or monetary without feeling undeserving or like a hypocrite?




Should that be impossible, pray teach me, how can I stop being envious of how others are claiming their sonships by asking and receiving for material gains way beyond what is needed to live?





You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. -David (Psalms 145:16-17)

Avatar

You know that a movie has struck a chord in the human soul when newspapers begin reporting a huge spike in depression numbers all over the world after it has been screened.

And I was right to avoid watching that movie in 3D when it was the top dog in the theater. And I somehow managed to find the willpower to resist it in on 4 plane rides over a period of 4 months. But all walls broke down on a bus ride back to Singapore for Kuala Lumpur. I decided that the psychological effect would be lesser with a sub-par sound system and a lousy screen, in addition to the expected stomach-churning bumpy ride.

I underestimated the power of my own imagination to bring 2D to life.



It didn't take much to push myself right to the brink of psychological breakdown in order to understand this phenomenon. Avatar was simply a reminder to people of a longing human beings were divinely created with.

That we belong to a home far more beautiful than our world will ever be, technology, human imagination and all.

That our freedom lies in a body and a name that we are yet to receive, and that our present condition is nothing but a weak prototype of the real deal.

That we were created to give our allegiance and fight for something grander than ourselves, namely a future.

That each one of us was born to be a hero, to be acknowledge as a prince/princess, and to be given a esteemed position destined for, yet fought for at the same time.

The beauty of the movie, really, is the fact that as a viewer you know deep down in your heart that the Navines were going to win. It would have been an extremely depressing movie should the humans have won. Viewers would have walked away feeling cheated of their feelings, and the ratings would have remained below the seabed. But as all good movies, the bad guys received their just desserts and the good guys became glorious victors.


It so happened that by divine arrangement I had a thorough read-through of the first three-quarters of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity at my grandmother's place a day before watching the movie. Succinctly, he summarized the beauty of everything Christianity was about. Let me re-frame it in the context of this post.

That eventually, the good guys are going to win. That their King is coming back one day to destroy this fallen world and resurrect the Tree of Life which belongs at the center of the planet. That they will have new bodies with abilities beyond the human imagination, with special names given only to members of the Royal Family. That they will be crowned as heroes, predestined from the beginning yet having fought for their right without that knowledge. That forever will be spent gazing towards a Central Destination where their energies are focused without obstruction and love will abound in the air and in the core of every relationship. Death and destruction will be stories of the past, exploration and adventure in the environment will be a hobby without limits, and time will be a dimension left on paper.

You really can't blame people for wishing they were in Pandora to the point depression overcomes their sensibilities. Christians have every right to have their heads in the clouds with their absurd levels of faith in such dreams.

The irony however, is that the most devout Christians were also the biggest contributors to the world. Their rhetoric was clearly embedded in other-worldly fantasies, their actions based on a credit-accumulation system with an interest rate that was out of this world, their time spent on pleasing a Spiritual Being that cannot be scientifically proven and seen, and their bodies worked to death as if it was nothing more than an avatar.

It is with such a level of absurdity that I'm hoping my life would undertake.

To know and live out the fact that I am created to be nothing less than a hero fighting under the flag of a King whose victory has already been predestined.





If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -C.S Lewis

Stepping into the Working World

Grad trip over, time for the ritualistic job search with the duty of customizing and sending resumes, impressing recruitment officers and learning the ropes all over again. Often, working world is when the learning REALLY begins.

I'll be interested to know where God is going to place me in for my starting career. In the meantime, this resume photo of me may look a tad geeky, but it's definitely more impressive than how I look on a daily basis.



The first essential in a boy's career is to find out what he's fitted for, what he's most capable of doing and doing with a relish. -Charles M. Schwab