Thank God for good friends who read this blog and send long emails to shake you up from self-pity.
It goes to show what a distance I have to become a better follower of Christ. No, it shows how warped my idea of a good Christian has become.
Does it have to be that I'm so far off from the ideal God has chosen to keep me in training mode? Can't it be that I've been specially chosen to undergo additional training for a higher purpose, a privilege that others do not have? I dare not suppose the latter, what evil pride harbors behind such a claim!
Admittedly, I'm feeling a little lost. And very jaded, despite trying to be as objective about my blessings as possible.
But I can't see any silver lining, so I'm making assumptions that hope is not present.
For a visionary, I'm probably one of the most pessimistic types God has ever created. And though this character trait has ensured fewer disappointments in life, it has also led to a lack of faith in anything or anyone but myself.
This lack of joy within is making even the slightest effort of optimism and enthusiasm difficult. And I'm done trying. I'm going to sit back, relax and watch the sunset.
It will kill me to not do anything about the visions God has given me, but I suppose everyone has to learn to let go and not be too much of a control freak one day. After all, He's the one in control, so I'll let Him do His job.
Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. -Henry Emerson Fosdick
My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart. -Job 17:11
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