With the transition into working life more or less on its way, I can now say without a doubt that I'm not someone who can feel comfortable doing nothing productive. The saying "An empty mind is the Devil's workshop" truly applies to me. Since I've returned from my graduation trip to New Zealand, much of my mind has had been in quite a mess. By uprooting deeply embedded psychological and emotional problems in my mind and posing them as theological dilemmas, the Devil really made use of that opportunity to shake my faith and dilute my behavior.
I know this is going to sound a little strange, but my latest revelation came when I was watching Toy Story 3. I haven't watched the other two earlier productions, at least not to completion, so I wasn't exactly enthusiastic when Jeremy suggested the movie. But I dragged my feet to the theater, and I gotta admit the heart-warming parts really got to me.
In the movie, there is a villain by the name of Lotso, short for "Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear". Below is a picture of him.
Now there is something about this character that really drew me to him. Once a cute, lovable bear owned by a little girl who really cared about him, he and a few other toys were accidentally abandoned after a picnic. After a long way home, he found that the parents of the little girl had already bought another Lotso for their daughter, and bitterness and sadness blinded his heart so deeply he developed his own ideology of love and ownership. In time (and unsurprisingly in my opinion), he became the charismatic leader of the "abandoned" toys at Sunnyside Nursery.
I suppose most children who watched the show would be quite happy to see the villain get his just desserts at the end, but I felt really sad for him. In some way, I knew what it was like to be in his position.
Lotso was abandoned by an owner who meant the world to him, and honestly, his rage was justified. His developed notion of independence united the toys at Sunnyside, and he fed them with the idea that no one cared about them. Almost, I felt a parallel to his character. Having experiences that no one should really have to go through, I have come to believe in a certain pattern of relationship between men and women, and to be brutally honest I have shamelessly preached this to the people around me given any opportunity to do so. Fortunately most people have held on to the stance that my ideology is a little extreme despite none of them being able to out-argue me given the barrage of evidence and the strength of economic logic. Nonetheless, there have also been many who, after hearing my viewpoint and/or experienced a similar situation, have been made disillusioned with romance and love.
Lotso is just an extreme example of what entrenched bitterness can do. I don't suppose I've gone as far as him in terms of influence and far-reaching measures. However, the ideology that one was unloved and will always be unloved is, I realize, a terribly easy pill to swallow, and unfortunately, also one that is nearly impossible to spit out.
How different is the ideology that women will always pick the economically advantaged man and relegate the attributes of character, personality and talent! How easy is it for a man who was dumped to blame it on the monetary aspect of his rival, given that it allows him to keep his pride, and especially since societal trends lean so heavily in this direction!
If there is anything I've learned from C.S. Lewis, it is that one does not have to understand a pattern to believe it. Likewise, there is no need to understand the deep theological meanings behind a blood sacrifice to believe and receive salvation Jesus' death on the Cross.
Likewise, I do not have to understand how God brings two people together to believe it. Even if the evidence stacks heavily on the side of the opposition, I should not promote an ideology birthed from bitterness. Because like Lotso, I may be able to comfort and assure for a period, but in turn I'd also be planting the seeds of despair that might take more than a miracle to uproot.
Sadly, what was once a seed deep within me has blossomed into an enormous oak struggling to not spread its fruit and seeds all around the forest.
If there's one thing I hate yet thrive on, it must be that bitter sensation under the tongue that tingles and sparks.
Lord don't let my new job be the tranquilizer.
Oh, how bitter it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. -Wilfred T. Grenfell
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. -David (Psalms 71:20)
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