I can't seem to stop talking about Jesus! (And I'm very happy about it). Started out on Sunday night when I talked to a new friend about Christianity and love till the wee hours of the morning. Then the next day I did Harvest Week a.k.a. Street Evangelism in NUS with my senior DG for about an hour plus, having an opportunity to speak to three different people about the four spiritual laws. Some of them even turned out to be wonderful conversations! And today, I went out with my junior DG for Harvest Week again, and spoke to three more people , one of whom prayed to receive Christ! It's a really nice feeling. +)
Now that Nick is in Shanghai, there is no more "obstacle" to kneeling down and praying beside my bed (which has been the excuse for not developing a discipline of praying for God-knows-how-long). And the last few days have been times when I'm on my knees praying for different people and their struggles, or particular prayer requests. I'm trusting God for more and more, and I've absolute faith that some big things are going to happen soon. It's wonderful what a bit of time praying can do! Something tells me the effect is exponential too.
Everywhere I go, I ask the Holy Spirit to speak. Of course, the tendency is for me to start interrupting and blabbering on about my life, my hopes, the people close to me, the people whom I love. But He is always there, watching and smiling, and the peace is so tranquil. I still get a low feeling very often, which more often than not is covered up with a strong smile and a confident glance, but deep inside there is an unspeakable joy of being close to Him. In my pain, my hurt, I feel Him all the more closer. And I cherish this fellowship, this connection. It is always during my lowest moments that He is near to me.
Desmond has been wanting to speak to me about last December for a long time. I was open to talk about it since February, but starting from then, he's always never been able to meet up with me for personal time. He's either busy, or more often, sick. It's about the fifth time he's apologize for not being able to make it for PT, and honestly I'm really okay. Every time he sees me at Crusade Corner he'll tell me, "Victor, remember what I told you after the mission trip. Be careful to obey whatever God wants you to do." I've never gotten to say my peace, but with regards to the incident, God hasn't convicted me of any wrong doing. Some people will go so far as to say I'm genuinely insane or psycho (I hardly get such accusations though) for love's sake. If so, then Jesus would be the epitome of madness for the sake of love. How many missionaries have died being labelled crazy, how many heroes were considered stupid till the consequences of their actions felt? If each were to consider his reputation or image, who is going to stand out?
My friend, you might be reading this, or she might be directing this post to your purview, so I'll say this. You bloody better take good care of her; she's more valuable than you can ever imagine, more fragile than glass, yet tougher than steel. She's gone through more than you probably ever will your entire life, so don't underestimate her ability to empathize the pain of another. I sense you're wondering if I'll snatch her from under your nose the moment you leave for UK, and I don't blame you. You don't know me, but rest assure that I pose no such threat. Her heart is with you, and no matter what I do now, it's not going to change that fact anytime soon. But yes, I'm still going to love her and you can call me a psycho or a madman, but that's the way love is. My love does not come from within myself anymore, nor does it come from a secret hope of a reunion of passion so explosive and so real. It comes from another Source far greater than any man on Earth can provide. She knows about it, you can ask her about it.
I'm never one to beg, but I'll do so now. Do treasure her more than your own life, and treat her with more respect than you've ever given yourself. I know you do, you can, and you will. After all, among those who know me, few have ever spoken so highly of another with so much adoration before. It's the way God smashes my pride to bits. I've never felt so small in my life.
But should the day come when she sheds a single teardrop because of any form of non-negotiable, unambigious ill-treatment from your hands, believe me when I say that if she calls, I'll be there before the next one falls.
Love is not love, until love is vulnerable. - Theodore Roethke
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