The Greatest Gift

School has started and I've been terribly busy. Had to relief 6 periods of classes today, and all I did was grab a chair and had very interesting conversations with various cliques of girls. Despite doing something as simple and entertaining as that, it was still ultra-tiring. And fasting didn't help because I K.O. on my desk within a few minutes of prayer; I nearly died of starvation during driving class later. So I did most of my praying on the bus and MRT.

But I survived. Yay.


The prayer agenda for the senior guys was for the Holy Spirit to move in the hearts of the junior guys. Sometimes I'm inclined to think that if one does not listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, then one is no different from a non-believer. After all, the Holy Spirit acts like a guide, a teacher, but yet never overwhelms us, always gently voicing from the side. Thus it is so easy for other priorities like studies, music, relationships, get in the way of the Holy Spirit's voice, drowning Him out.

It's the last day of June, and the last day for this episode of Everyday with Jesus. And as I did my QT, this verse sounded out to me:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:11-13)

It was a well-quoted verse; at one glance, nothing special. Then a little question popped into my head, "Why doesn't the verse end like '... how much more will your Father in heaven give to those who ask him?' Why Holy Spirit? Why not money, wisdom or health?"

Then it dawned on me. The Holy Spirit is the greatest gift that God can ever give! However, the thing about gifts is this. The giver can offer it, but the receiver has the right NOT to take it. It's not like punishment, or laws, or your ugly green duffel bag that they chuck into your arms on Tekong. Imagine if you chucked your duffel bag back at the sergeant. Best of luck to you, brave soldier. They'll probably enlist you to the Commandos, or send you to Detention Barracks for insubordination. Most likely the latter.

But the Holy Spirit is a gift from God. Have you ever bought something for someone, only to have it chucked away? Have you ever spent so much effort to do something for someone only to hear that it was immediately discarded without so much as a glance?

Yes, yes, I understand that sometimes a girl just doesn't wants her pursuer to get the wrong idea. The best thing to do then is to discard the gift with the hope that his passion will fizzle out after a few bouts of "emo-ness". But turning the tables around, have you ever felt rejected?

For myself, giving gifts is my most frequently used love language when physical touch and words of affirmation have been rendered handicapped or overused. I can still recall the time when, being young and full of hot-blooded passion, I wrote a love letter to an ex-girlfriend every week for half a year only to find out that she tore up every one of them without reading a single word. I'm not so vain as to liken myself to God, but often I share a portion of His sentiments when I see people not wanting to read the Bible despite having full access to it. I also recall the time when I left gifts and sent flowers to another girl's house, only to have her discard them immediately for the sake of her own sanity. Foolhardy and childish, ain't I? (But deep down inside I suspect that this part of me hasn't really been put to rest yet; blame it on the hopeless, "emo" romantic within me)

But God gives the Holy Spirit, and that is the greatest gift anyone can ever accept. Thus the need for prayer when Christians around us, of whom have accepted the Holy Spirits into their hearts, have over time learn to deaden the Voice within after the constant bombardment of worldly desires and personal pressures. The very commonality of this sight should drive those of us who can see this tragic portrait into much worry and grief.

Pray, my brothers, that the Holy Spirit will move within the hearts of our juniors. Pray that God will put them in circumstances where they begin to long for an out-of-this-world guidance that never fails. Pray most of all, that the Voice is not just heard clearly, but obeyed out of the utmost fear and the highest adoration.



God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will. -Anonymous (Hebrews 2:4)

We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly. -Mark Twain

If someone were to ask me, given the chance to turn back the hands of the clock, would I still leave little gifts outside your window, write poems of love to you, sing love songs into your ear? Would I send you flowers, escort you to your doorstep, copy verses of the Good Book and leave them where I know you'd find them? Oh yes, I would. My only regret would be that I didn't do any thing more. -Valentino Casanova

Inside Love, Outside Action

Some people are very good at talking, but very poor at doing. At usually, they aren't exactly the most well-like people. I don't think I'm alone when I admit I'm occasionally guilty of this, and neither am I alone when I say I really dislike these things happening.

A large majority of girls are easily charmed by sweet nothings of love, romantic poetry and long telephone chats. After all, guys who are good at talking and poor at doing usually stand a much higher chance of winning a girl's heart than a guy who's poor at talking but good at doing. But all is not rosy for sweet-talkers. In the end, his relationships are numerous but short-lived, in contrast to his counterpart who may not be so successful, but is finally realized as a keeper, at least as a husband.

Nonetheless, being the perfectionist that I am, sometimes the drive to be the best of both worlds can take over. (Ironically I'm stil single, so it doesn't always work, at least in romantic relationships) It becomes a bad thing when one begins to tire out and feel like an absolute failure, but I don't want to delve into that part of my life. I want to talk about love and deeds.

As I ponder about the agenda on the prayer list today, to pray for love among the hearts of the youths so that revival can come about, a question comes to mind: How will I ever know that God is working? Is it possible that one can grow in love so deeply in the heart, yet show nothing from the exterior?

I think the Bible's answer to the last question is a resounding no. If one's heart is filled with love, one will be compelled to good deeds motivated by the good intentions that are a result of love. Where is this shown? Let's look at 2 Cor 5:13-14,

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.

Why would Paul even have to clarify to the Corinthians about whether he was in the right mind or not? Using my sanctified imagination, I think that he was behaving and giving with so much patience and love that it had even become strange to them! They had never seen someone love and give with such generosity before, and therefore begin to ask themselves if he and his khakis were alright. So his deeds must have been noticed before he had to explain that it was Christ's love that translated into the love in his own heart, and he uses the word "compelled". He couldn't help it. He had to do it, or he'd feel strange.

Have you ever loved someone so much before that you couldn't help but want to do something good, something loving for that person? There is a bubbling desire, a bursting of adrenaline, and a subsequent immense void if that person rejects your action or fails to recognize it. Love compels, makes us do the strangest things.

Thus, won't it be strange to say that we love someone and then go on to live comfortably doing absolutely nothing loving towards that person? Therefore, love is shown by deeds. The evidence of God answering this prayer can only be seen through visible, tangible works of love.


But there is also one more question. Can deeds come before love? My answer is, yes, why not? We can't always sit down and wait for that nice, warm sensation of love to overcome us, overwhelm us, take control of us, before carrying out deeds of love. It can be the other way around! Taking initiative to love a certain person, even when one's heart is cold, may seem hypocritical at first, but to end off there is decide the conclusion of a movie simply by watching the opening scene. We can GROW to love someone when we start by first doing deeds of love for them.

Jesus inspired that when He said these verses:

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:38-45a)

When I first read that, I thought that it was simply to make your enemy feel guilty (Prov 25:22; Romans 12:20) or to show that world that as Christians we are different. But that's just the external benefits! What about the internal benefits? By doing good deeds first, love will grow in our hearts.

As we look carefully at the last verse of Matthew 5, Jesus wants us to be perfect like God is. And Jesus isn't a hypocrite. Far from it. Jesus knew that sometimes, by doing good deeds for others first, we benefit by having love grow in our hearts. Jesus is perfect not simply because He does good deeds for His enemies. He is perfect because by doing these good deeds first, He can even love those who took His life. It didn't matter if the enemy's skin was too thick to feel the burning coals on his head. It didn't matter if the enemy was too blind to see the difference among us Christians. But it mattered that our hearts and our deeds are one.

That, my friend, is what it means to be perfect like God.




But when perfection comes, the imperfection disappears. -Paul (1 Cor 13:10)

I find that I love you more not when you do things for me. No no no, I find that I love you more when I'm able to do things for you. It is possible thus, that any hint of acknowledgement from you can make the rest of my day. That's why a non-Christian, who once loses all opportunity to do something, anything, for the one he loves, will find that his love has dwindled away in no time. But for Christians, we have one more instrument to love: Prayer. You can't stop a Christian praying for you, and so you can never really stop him from loving you. -Valentino Casanova

Enthusiasm

Today was a busy day, so I didn't get any peace and quiet to do my prayer and fast during lunch. All the teachers were buzzing around calling their students about the new procedures for containing the H1N1 virus. Even I had students to call, now that I'm also the new temporary co-form teacher for a Secondary 3 class.

But as I ponder about inner transformation for revival, a Heineken advertisement just kept popping into my head. One thing about the advantage about starting revival among youths and young adults is that unlike most older adults, the chance of inspiring and exciting them are much, much higher. Adults are more skeptical, having "seen much of the world" and thus more or less unable to become enthusiastic about revival.

Enthusiasm starts from within, and spreads contagiously. But it affects the heart, a near parallel to this incurable disease called love. As I look at the advertisement, I notice the guy at 0:26min and I can't help but laugh at his expression.

But as the laughter simmers down and the undercurrents of giggles come to an end, one wonders if enthusiasm for revival and the presence of God would ever match the enthusiasm that lovable blue-shirt fellow had for a walk-in fridge loaded with beer bottles.








Youth! There is nothing like youth. The middle-age are mortgaged to Life. The old are in Life's lumber-room. But youth is the Lord of Life! Youth has a kingdom waiting for it. Every one is born a king, and most people die in exile. -Oscar Wilde

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. -Paul

My Shield and My Fortress

I can't say I was listening out to God speak today. For some reason, my mind kept wandering to many places, most of them indistinguishable or impossible to remember. There hasn't been very much work to do in school, and most of the time is spent just planning the productive things that could be done in the meantime or in the near future.

What this also led to is not very healthy. I begin to take my eyes off things above and focus on things below. We plan plan plan, do do do, and get lost in these things. Even prayer becomes a chore to be postponed, fasting becomes a delayed meal or something we make up for during breakfast and dinner, and then we ask God why He isn't speaking. Silly isn't it? I can't say for sure if God was silent or my ears have not been properly trained to listen out for His voice today, but I do know that such days are bound to happen.

So I didn't hear anything. I decided then to flip to the Bible to see what the Good Book says about God's protection. The agenda for prayer today is protection for the leaders and youths as we embark on revival. My QT material provided very good insight, but nothing relevant to protection, at least directly.

What did I find? Two verses that stood out quite prominently to me.

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
(Psalm 33:20)

O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress,
(Psalm 59:9)

What the two verses had in common was this, the concept of watching and waiting. God provides protection like a shield and a fortress. As we look forward and pray for revival, I take comfort in the fact that God is already there, like a fortress, our home base, where soldiers recover from the wounds of battle and stand ground against the enemy. In addition, I hope and I find joy in the fact that God will be our shield. Revivals are in fact offensive weapons, and a fortress is too large to move, but shields can be moved. So as we wait in hope for the Lord, we're also in fact waiting for the Lord's signal to come out of our fortress to attack.

Sometimes the Lord's silence is like asking us to hold back. Only by His command will we go forth together and attack. But for some of us, the enemy might be pressing in hard on all sides, trapping us in our fortress, and pumping stress on the same walls the Bible says will never fail. But often, as we see our Commander's silence, we begin to feel that maybe the walls might collapse if this keep up.

Then we see an opening, there is hope if we attack now! The enemy has become complacent! We might suffer losses as the shields are not prepared yet, but a hope of winning, yes! We turn and look at the Lord, but His eyes are still looking forward, His hand still down. He is not looking for a small victory. He is looking at a victory so immense, so large, so overwhelming that the enemy will be completely wiped out and have no choice but to flee.

So thus we continue to hope. As the shields are being prepared, we wait for the Lord's signal to attack. It may be silence now, the signal is down, but let us continue hoping and preparing so that we may be 100% effective when He gives the green light.

But for now, let us have faith in the walls of this fortress. His protection never fails, and our lives will not be taken as long as we stay within these walls. Helms Deep will not fall. When the Riders of Rohan arrive, we shall slay the enemy.

A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. -Gandalf

Trust My Love

I'm sitting here in the teacher's room. Told Tams I was too sianz to go back to work, but well, here I am. Most of the other teachers have gone home already, having started at 8+am, and I'm here clocking in my time at 1pm. Which means I'll only be leaving at 5.30pm, or when the school janitors decide to chase me out.


At 12-12.30 today, I wasn't exactly in a mode or position that most people usually are in when they're fasting. I was standing on a train from Bukit Gombak to Tiong Bahru, leaning against the window, tummy growling, and thinking very hard. Sometimes God tells us things via a gentle whisper, a thought into our heart, or a passage from the Scriptures. This time, it wasn't the case. It was plainly laid out in front of me.


I cannot, cannot, cannot stand failure. Which is why the trip was unusually moody for me because I had just flunked my driving test. And being me, I was blaming myself. Maybe it was a sin that I committed before the test. Maybe I was too nervous. Maybe I was...


Now that I've read David's e-mail about how God spoke to him using today's Everyday with Jesus article, it's amazing how intepretations can be remarkably different. Before the test, I had done my QT, and it was about how sometimes "problems don't go away despite our most ardent praying".


I never really understood how God works through failing me. Although I can list so many occasions where I had failed and God had brought even better things out of it for me, failure has always been something that I cannot accept. I've even managed to hide it so well that when during a conversation, Ilango once said that he envied me because I seemed to be successful in every thing that I did, that I achieved whatever I wanted to achieve eventually. To a large extent God has indeed blessed me with numerous successes, but to say that I've succeeded in everything that I wanted to succeed in would be a misguided exaggeration.


I've had my fair share of failures. But maybe too few that each one hurts more deeply than they should. And the most serious problem of all: I ALWAYS take the blame.


Noticeably, this seems pretty normal. I mean, I failed the driving test. Hui Kok Wing Victor, S8511XXXX, failed the test at the circuit, he didn't even have to drive on the main road. It has to be my fault, who else can I blame? My driving instructor? The car? The people who designed the circuit? The other trainees constantly blocking the way?

But this is absolute pride! Even though I give God to glory when I suceed, I need constant reminders that God also has a part in my failures.


The agenda for prayer for revival today is wisdom. And one thing has been made VERY clear to me, for the umpteen time. Wisdom and pride does not go together. Moreover, even with immense wisdom, I will never know why God allows certain things to happen.


At foresight, failing the driving test means that I've to go for more driving lessons. It also means that I'm $500 dollars poorer instead of just $250, and this doesn't include the cost of the driving lessons yet. It means that I have less time to have dinner with my family and friends for the next few weeks, and longer if I fail the second time. It means that I can never give glory to God and say that by His grace I made it through the first time.


At foresight, nothing good can come out of failing. At hindsight however, all I hear is what God was saying to me through my QT material, "For your own good this has to be done, some day you will understand. You must trust my love."




My pride chooses to see only what's in front of me. But God reminded me that revival is not dependent on total victories one after another. The path to revival may be, and often is, strewned with failures.













To be able to acknowledge one's inability to understand every situation and outcome, yet to continue to have faith that everything will turn out good in His time, that, is the pinnacle of humble wisdom.

As you serve Me, you will experience greater failures than this. If you thought that the misery caused by these small stumble was tough to handle, behold, those that you will encounter in the future! Remember that even in certain villages, my Son did not manage to bring healing too. Not every revival meeting will be met with success, not every prayer will be answered positively, not every soul that you evangelize to will be saved. But through these small failures, You are undergoing preparation to understand the way I work, and You will know that I am God. -God to Valentino, on a moody train ride back


I did my best, and by His grace, I failed. -Valentino Casanova

The Gate

No, I don't have a habit of fasting and praying. Often, I fall asleep because the hunger and the tiredness from the night before just overwhelms me. But in order to usher in God's presence and favor for revival in the Agape Youth, I decided to fast and pray. It wasn't long, and my determination to extend it was clearly lacking. Moreover, I won't want the teachers in the staff room to think I was trying to take a short nap.

As I opened the Bible, the book of Micah just came to mind. 7 chapters is pretty long for only half an hour dedicated to this fasting and prayer session, so I decided to skip all those chapters on destruction and wrath, and just skim over those that had slightly happier stuff written on them. But nothing really caught my eye, until I reached Micah 4:2. Here's what was written:

Many nations will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths." The law will go out from Zion, the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.

I can't say again how spot on this verse was, given that the agenda for prayer was on God's guidance. Amazing how God speaks some times. Again, something in my heart twitched, and I was directed to the Book of Revelations, specifically to what Jesus said to the churches. I don't really like Revelations because of all the confusions and misinterpretations by others of the book itself, and so I must confess I don't read it often. But a force drew me to search out which church St. Matthew's must be emulating, so as to find out what Jesus could possibly be wanting to say to us. And His words to the church of Sardis just popped out of the blue.

To the angel of the church in Sardis write: These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. Yet you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their clothes. They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

I'll leave it to you what God is trying to say to our church through these verses. But a shiver just went down my spine as I read it.

And so, these analogies and verses came to me during the prayer and fasting. Half an hour, but it all came in the first ten minutes. What did I do for the next twenty minutes? Pray... and doze off. Of course, I can sleep absolutely anywhere. And boy can I dream too. A vision of a gate. That's it. But clear as it was, a gate. I didn't think much of it. I mean... People dream of the weirdest things all the time, and a vision of a gate would probably fall under the "meaningless" or "weird" category.

So I went back to reading my book "Hearing God".

"Victor."

"Huh?"

"What did you see?"

"A gate, nothing much."

"Recall it again, and be specific."

"Well, it was in the settings of a small forest, a nice cloudy day..."

"The gate, Victor. What did it look like."

"Well, it was made of wood, and..."

"Go on."
"Oh my goodness. It was open."

I went to my favorite website, Biblegateway.com, and searched for the word "gate". Nothing came up. I thought my memory was fooling me, and I searched for every version there was. Nothing. I didn't believe that it was possible, I'm sure I saw the word "gate" in the Bible before. Googled it. Bingo. John 10:7-9.

Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture.

Then it became very clear to me. Commonsensical as it may seem to the average Christian, Jesus is the only way to be saved. For revival to take place, this might just have to be re-emphasized all over again, and the sole authority of God's Son upon salvation reaffirmed and proclaimed to the world.

The still, small voice of God is best suited to the purposes of God precisely because it most fully engages the faculties of free, intelligent beings who are socially interacting with agape love in the work of God as His colaborers and friends. -Dallas Willard, Hearing God

He who has ears, let him hear. -Jesus (Matthew 11:15)

Why Aren't People In Despair?

When I see the blind and wretched state of man, when I survey the whole universe in its dumbness and man left to himself with no light, as though lost in this corner of the universe, without knowing who put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him when he dies, incapable of knowing anything, I am moved to terror, like a man transported in his sleep to some terrifying desert island, who wakes up quite lost and with no means of escape. Then I marvel that so wretched a state does not drive people to despair.

I see other people around me, made like myself. I ask them if they are any better informed than I, and they say they are not. Then these lost and wretched creatures look around and find some attractive objects to which they become addicted and attached. For my part I have never been able to form such attachments, and considering how very likely it is that there exists something besides what I can see, I have tried to find out whether God has left any traces of himself.

-Written by the great scientist and Christian Blaise Pascal

May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers,
half-truths and superficial relationships,
so that we may live deeply in your heart.
May God blesss us with anger at injustice,
oppression and exploitation of people
so that we may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain,
rejection, starvation and war so that we may reach out our hand to
comfort them and turn their pain to joy.
And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe we can make
a difference in this world.

-Franciscan Benediction

The Social Construction of Fetishes

I wonder how people should feel when they meet an old flame who's now married off to another guy. Worse still, how people should react when the old flame's single colleague is constantly complimenting you and checking you out without a hint of discretion.



Every single person we have been together with, more of passion and less of duration, affects and shapes our preferences in one way or another. No, I don't mean huge boobs, long legs or rebonded hair. Those are the common ones. What I find more interesting is the really uncommon fetishes that develop subconsciously. One man's meat can be another's poison. Every man is different, every impact varied, every trigger or stimuli mixed with the subject's persona produces a resounding familiarity yet distinguishably wild and random.




I wonder what your social memory has developed yours to be.






"One can love a house so much even a raven atop contributes to the joy", a twisted translation of a Chinese 4-character idiom. Sometimes I wonder, if the house is no more, will the stimuli evoked from the presence of ravens subconsciously resurrect the house once more? At what lengths will one go to impose/foster/create the presence of ravens in the subsequent houses that one will eventually inhabit?






It's true. The more people you've been together with, the less you will have of an idea of what you really prefer. -Valentino Casanova

People should always have something which they prefer to life. -Johann G. Seume

Where Amazing Happens

No obsession for gadgets, cars, guns, martial arts, fighter jets, warfare, cigarettes or barbells. Besides close combat, the only shadow of genuine manhood that I can boast of is sports, and more specifically, basketball.

If you can watch the below videos (especially the hook shot!) and not feel a shiver up your spine, how can you call yourself a man?

A man with huge pride cannot stand competition, because it means risking a loss to his reputation. He aims to eliminate his rival quickly, and if possible, with the least amount of effort, so as to win cheers from the surrounding spectators.

A man who enjoys competition fears no risk to his reputation. He aims to learn from his rival, no matter how small, and puts in his very best. There is no better form of respect for your opponent by challenging him at the same level and playing your heart out.





Can the same be said about love?






The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort. -Colin Powell

The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war. -John Lyly

To My Dad

To the man who has by far the most impact on my life, a blessed birthday with many more to come.

I'm reminded of one of the discussion periods during the church retreat when groups of about eight to ten people gathered to talk about what the speaker had just expounded on. I recall Uncle Lester complaining mildly about how his children don't obey what his wife and himself have told them anymore, and how in some sense they have given up on even disciplining their children. Honestly, I was secretly gasping when he recounted of stories of how his son would bring his food into the room to study and eat at the same time, or of how his daughter would lock her door when studying so that the parents won't disturb. Maybe he was exaggerating, maybe he wasn't. But whatever the case, the overemphasis on the importance of studying was slowly eroding the family bonds.

My dad would never allow me to do these things. Bringing food into the room was a nono since the day I was born, and I never had my own room to lock anyway. Dad had brought home the bacon and Mum had taken pains to cook it, so we were to accord them the basic respect of eating together. Studying was made secondary to the family meal, and the collaborated saying of grace ritualized. From some perspectives, it can even be seen as harsh, but I've gotten use to these rules. Especially towards the last few years, my dad's temper has simmered down a lot, and the days when he would discipline us without much explanation were long gone. Now, at least for myself, I can tell that he loves us children very much, but still lets everyone know who's the boss in the family.

As the years passed, my dad became my close friend. I don't share everything with him; different things are meant to be shared with different people. But I would say he knows a big chunk of the things most intimate to me. He always gives godly advice, and I appreciate that, though often they are hard things to do. I enjoy the long conversations with my dad, of him recounting tales of his past, about his influential grandfather whom he always admired, about the woman he loves so dearly with all his heart, and the God whom he fears respectfully and obeys faithfully. Occasionally he would lull into a "naggy" disposition, but I don't mind hearing the same things over and over again.

Given his extremely stubborn independence, I fear much for him. As the years go by, I watch the strands of silver-white hair increase exponentially, his limbs weaken, his voice tone down. The man I once reckoned as the strongest man in the world, who beats Superman hands down because of the "mouse" in his biceps, is growing more and more frail. He walks slower now, with a cane or walking stick when the distance is long, and pauses on the stairs frequently. Parkinson's Disease seems to swallow the calmness of his demeanor, yet his aura is stately. He is, without a doubt, the man whom I learned visually and from a first-hand basis what true charisma really was.

And now, I'm beginning to worry. I'm worried that one day, he's going to end up in a wheelchair, as the polio that he had struggled with his whole life takes on its toil. I'm worried that one day, he's going to overwork himself as I consider joining ministry and someone has to pay the university fees of my brothers. I'm worried that one day, if I should die in a freak accident, that he'll collapse emotionally.

For those of you whose dads are still alive and well, don't take him for granted. Pastor Lawrence mentioned that God loves us unconditionally, but bestows favor conditionally. We can't disobey and expect God to bless us abundantly. Obedience is the sure way to gain God's favor. But let us take it one step further. If there's one thing I learned about God through my relationship with my dad, it's this: Take initiative to do the things that you know he enjoys seeing you do for Him. That requires a certain intimacy with God. I didn't know the things my dad enjoyed, until I got to know him as a close friend. Now that I do, I take initiative to do things for him most of the time. That's why among the three of us brothers, I can't say for sure that my dad loves me the most, but I dare say that he trusts me the most when it comes to the large majority of things.

Imagine, if obedience brings God's favor, what are the wondrous possibilities of blessings that can come our way if we take initiative to do things for God without Him even asking?










Before a man can devote himself to God or to a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, even beyond explanation. -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

If there is one thing my dad demonstrated to me about chivalry, it is this: You can't recognize a true gentleman until poverty overcomes him. Don't assume one is a gentleman unless you see him buy everyone drinks without hesitation even after he has lost his job and his bank account is near zero. Don't assume the man you love is a gentleman if his temper fluctuates with his wealth, but like he promised on his wedding day: for richer and for poorer. And most of all, don't assume the man you admire is a gentleman, unless he loves you the way Christ loves the church, being able to give up everything for you, including his own life. Poverty, dear sister, is what differentiates the heart of a true gentleman from the overrated lifestyle vied among wannabes. -Valentino Casanova

Who Is Jesus To Me?

I've just finished the biography of Mother Teresa, and I just had to share this poem with everyone. It depicts her interpretation of Matthew 25:40. And I find that the more I read through this poem, the more I can't help but to marvel in agreement.

Who Is Jesus To Me?

Jesus is the Word made Flesh.
Jesus is the Bread of Life.
Jesus is the Victim offered for our sins on the Cross.
Jesus is the Sacrifice offered at the Holy Mass for the sins of the world and mine.
Jesus is the Word - to be spoken.
Jesus is the Truth - to be told.
Jesus is the Way - to be walked.
Jesus is the Light - to be lit.
Jesus is the Life - to be lived.
Jesus is the Love - to be loved.
Jesus is the Joy - to be shared.
Jesus is the Sacrifice - to be offered.
Jesus is the Peace - to be given.
Jesus is the Bread of Life - to be eaten.
Jesus is the Hungry - to be fed.
Jesus is the Thirsty - to be satiated.
Jesus is the Naked - to be clothed.
Jesus is the Homeless - to be taken in.
Jesus is the Sick - to be healed.
Jesus is the Lonely - to be loved.
Jesus is the Unwanted - to be wanted.
Jesus is the Leper - to wash His wounds.
Jesus is the Beggar - to give Him a smile.
Jesus is the Drunkard - to listen to Him.
Jesus is the Retard - to protect Him.
Jesus is the Little One - to embrace Him.
Jesus is the Blind - to lead Him.
Jesus is the Dumb - to speak for Him.
Jesus is the Crippled - to walk for Him.
Jesus is the Drug Addict - to befriend Him.
Jesus is the Prostitute - to remove from danger and befriend.
Jesus is the Prisoner - to be visited.
Jesus is the Old - to be served.





I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. -Jesus (Matthew 25:40)

Anorexia and Pornography: Life-long Struggles

As I flipped the pages of the Straits Times today, I saw a photograph of a friend I got to know in NUS. Under the Mind Your Health section page 16-17 was Natalie, a pretty, spunky girl from what I last remembered of her. Didn't see her often in school; the last time I saw her was during Arts Camp last year, and boy was I shocked at the change.

A victim of anorexia nervosa, Natalie had virtually turned into a skeleton. I remembered gasping in silent shock; she was a shade of the beautiful babe that quite a number of guys had been crazy about. It was my first life encounter with an anorexia victim, and I was to meet a few more as the year passed.

But as I read the article, a wave of relief swept over me. She had managed to seek professional help and is now recovering. As I read her blog, which I've tagged on the side of my own one, I begin to understand a little more personally about this issue than what I already know from my own personal research. A new revelation that I'd learned was the issue of control. Some sufferers of anorexia on one hand enjoy the control they have over their own bodies, seeing the numbers on their weighing machine go down, being able to control their diets etc., while on another hand lose control of their emotions and rational thinking.

However, what struck me most was Natalie's personal revelation of her relationship with God. Peppered around her blog posts were little snippets of how people close to her showed her how much God loved her with their little actions. People like her parents, her best friend Pearl (who I also know) and the supporters on her blog. I don't actually think that she hears God's voice too clearly, because people who do can't help but talk or write about their conversations with God. But I think the actions from the people around her is more than sufficient to show God's love adequately, in order to battle with this life-long issue of anorexia.

You don't have to be suffering from anorexia to read her blog. Inside all of us we struggle with certain inadequacies about who we are. Some of the sins that are rooted so deeply within us have connections to these inadequacies. Pornography for example. I'm not generalizing this to all men, but some men are addicted to pornography because of what the world tells them: That they need to have certain amounts of money, looks, brands, cars, power etc., to get a certain kind of woman that the whole world supposedly adores. In the meantime, while capitalists are cashing in on the huge amount of money spent on looks, brands, cars etc., men who can't afford these things, or who can afford them but find them useless, turn to pornography for a short-term fix, and slowly it becomes an addiction. Quite quickly actually.

So do give her some support when you can. She's a pretty lady and a good writer so most of you guys won't find it much of a chore to update yourself on her life. If you can suffer mine, her's is a breeze. And for the ladies, there's quite a bit of food pornography in it, so beware. Food can be to anorexia-prone girls what videos of beautiful, naked women are to pornography-prone addicts. Why else can we explain why female magazines have 10 times more advertisements on food than men's magazines?







Most anorexics are very intelligent. Many are high achievers, like established dancers, yet they feel that it's not enough. -Geraldine Tan, psychologist at Center For Effective Living

Take it from someone's who's been through it. Pornography is a life-long struggle, as much as anorexia is. The world makes a big deal out of anorexics because they are visually outstanding, but if you look carefully into the eyes of some guys, their addiction to pornography is often equally as noticeable, if not worse. -Valentino Casanova

Revival and Reality

Church camp was great! Pastor Lawrence is a great speaker, the unorthodox type; I love his style. The message was clear and straight-forward, easy to grasp, and never boring. People came forth for altar calls, rededicated their lives back to Jesus, resumed an active prayer life, rediscovered the passion for QT, and grasped the concept of "being in the desert" with God.

The most exciting thing for me was that my prayers were being answered right in front of my eyes. Since the beginning of this year, I have been praying for revival in St. Matthew's every night. But as time went by, nothing happened, at least from what I could see, and my heart had grown slightly disappointed. Nonetheless, I gained confidence from the testimonies of people who prayed for their church and nation for twenty years before revival came about, and these short stories gave me hope and kept me on my knees. And now this! Amazing! God is good! He didn't keep me and all the others who must have been desiring for this revival waiting very long, in six months a glimmer of hope is on the horizon.

But now we must keep our eyes open for the attacks by the devil. He won't like this much, and I bet he'll do everything to keep this revival from ever occurring. It'll be unwise to stop praying now and be complacent because of the victory of just one battle. For evidence, the history of St. Matthew's for over the last twenty years is littered with countless losses. Regardless, I'm trusting God to make this work.

Over the past few days, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. It's those kind of days when I'm so happy that I'm being fed nourishing, delicious spiritual food after a long starvation, yet plagued by the fear that this is simply a one-time off event, a momentary high that last just for those three, four days. I confided to my roommates of my secret fear, the fear that this flame will not last, and even be extinguished by the disappointments from reminders of sky-high hopes that failed to materialize over my teenage years. I hate being disappointed, I hate failing, and most of all I hate being reminded of them.

This emotional roller coaster ride is taking it's toll on me. For example, right after coming home from the camp, I felt that I had to remind Nicholas of his arrogance. I don't know how to do it without sounding arrogant myself, but I also don't want him to have his ego shattered the way God shattered mine just so that he will learn it the hard way. So I just told it in his face, and as expected, he didn't take it very well. Tension increased, tempers flared, insults were fired. Suddenly the blissful feeling from the camp just vanished. I switched on my laptop, went straight to Facebook to play Restaurant City and Mousehunt again, and suddenly a gripping thought flashed through my mind.



Nothing has changed.





The challenge now is how to bring whatever that was learned and apply them into practice. While sitting on the nice comfy chair at the hotel's function room, anyone and everyone can imagine and dream of revival in church. But when we all come back to "Sunny Singapore" and back to our normal lives, how easy is it to sink back into our old ways, as if nothing had happened! No, it must not be this way. Initiative must be taken, difficult measures must be implemented, complete obedience must be fostered.







But something is weighing down on me heavily. My feet feel like a ton of steel has been riveted around it. I suspect it's sin, but it isn't. I take a glance downwards to double-check, and I can't believe what I see.

A fragmented mirror-screen, reflecting two decades of failures and loneliness back at me.

Someone pass me a hammer. And get me some bandages.

I live in a mirror, one that’s made of broken glass
My thoughts and body are distorted into a giant blackened mass
My eyes do not see clearly what I have to give to life
My spirit swims in search of hope, but is drowned with all the strife
I plead humbly for help from somewhere up above
But I feel so abandoned, and unworthy of His love
When will my pain and suffering end its battle fought too long?
When will my soul be filled with peace and sing life’s beautiful sweet song?
Please help me God break from this squeezing deathly grip
Please calm the sea and be the Captain of my ship

-Taken from an anti-anorexia blog

The next time the Devil reminds you of your past, you remind him of his future. -Lawrence Seow

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. -Paul (Rom 8:1)

Revival Must-haves

Church camp starts tomorrow! So excited. Plus, Michelle and I are having our worship leading debut tomorrow during main service too! Okay, not me really, it's her. I'm just helping because she got pushed two months ahead of schedule last minute. As usual, spiritual attacks abound; my toothache came back again two days ago, but slowly subsided. It's a constant reminder of how I must never steal a single piece of limelight from God, for it's with His strength that I can even have a voice to sing, it's for His victory over death that I even have something to sing about.

Last Sunday was the Global Day of Prayer organized by some of the largest churches in Singapore. Some of the youths and I went for it, and though we were late, we still managed to catch quite a large part of it. Everything went pretty good, there were few screw-ups (the major ones being the power-point, as usual), but something was strangely amiss. The worship was fantastic, the crowd was wild and party-like, the atmosphere was on fire. But there was a problem.

Firstly, this was a Global Day of Prayer event. But the amount of time I spent praying was less than 1/4 of the entire time I was there! Worship took half the time, sermon and some performances took up the other quarter. Instead, it seemed like a youth-outreach program! The organizers had lined-up performances that were very much eye-candy. Some were totally weird, like beat-boxing and break dancing, then calling it a Christian performance. Alright, I'll let that off, but I could tell Jason was definitely not happy about it. I blame it on the fact that we grew up in a conservative Christian environment, but there's still something strange about rapping "Yo, Jesus, He's the man, yo." It's just... strange. But the thing that irked me was that I expected to go there and pray, but we hardly did so.

Secondly, and more dangerously, was that the Global Day of Prayer targeted the audience. It was all about the audience. How important they were, how they need to stand up and go forth, how they are unique and special blah blah. I was squirming in my seat consistently; such messages are... wrong. God doesn't NEED you. He isn't Uncle Sam. If you don't want to get up and obey, He'll find someone else. God INVITES you to do His work, "Whom shall I send? Who shall go for us?" (Isaiah 6:8a) He doesn't look and say, "Hey bro, I need you. You're the key." It's nice to think that we are the key people with Messianic destinies predestined since before time. But I'm sorry to disappoint you, if you're not willing to help, that's just too bad. You missed your chance. You're not Neo from The Matrix or John Conner from Terminator. Neither are you the Phoenix from X-Men Chronicles or Leonidas from 300. God's kingdom will not come any slower if you're not willing to play a part in it, there are many others who are more than happy to stand in your place.

If revival is going to come, it'll come with a re-emphasis not on who we are, but who God is. The church comes dangerously to telling the Good News with the listeners as the main figure. If this doctrine continues, there is no difference from the advertisements on television. Prosperity sermons come from this evil, misaligned strain of human wisdom. The Bible talks more about the path of Jesus being one of suffering, not prosperity. We are warned that the path is not easy, that suffering is commonplace in the Christian walk, then called to suffer with Jesus. We are even commanded to make Christ's suffering complete in us(Col 1:24).

The Church doesn't need softies. No great movement ever took forth with people making a huge din then running away in the face of suffering. No great transformation ever took place with people waving huge banners and fleeing the authorities.

Least of all, no great Christian revival ever took place by focusing on teaching people about how great they are and how important they are to the Kingdom. On the contrary, great revivals take place by telling people simply who God is. In the 1800s, the hellfire and brimstone preachers were relegated as pessimistic preachers, and the "revivalists" who focused on the mercy of God began to gain prominence. The wannabe world evangelists today follow that trend by talking about God's mercy and grace (and for some of them, prosperity too!), but they forget one thing. The people in the 1800s (because of the slowly dying out but still prominent hellfire and brimstone preachers) were strongly aware of sin, that's why the mercy/grace sermons had their effect. The people today do not have an awareness of sin that is as evident, and mercy/grace sermons are slowly being dominated by prosperity sermons that sound good to the human ears.


If revival is to start in church and in Singapore:
1. We must know God intimately
2. We must disregard ourselves as nothing but disposable instruments called to serve and obey
3. All efforts at evangelism must aim at making people aware of sin again


Without this three things, revival will not come, or at best, match the level of other major religions or new-age doctrines that focus on ME ME ME. My "energy", my "qi", my "optimistic perspectives". Christianity MUST differ in that we focus on GOD GOD GOD. It matters not if Christians start leaving the church when suddenly their lives are filled with suffering. It matters not should global church leaders debate over something so "point blank" in the Bible. It matters not if pre-believers start getting turned off when they find out through Christianity that the world doesn't revolve around them (and not because we start becoming obnoxious, self-glorifying and rude).








But because the world REALLY doesn't revolve around them, (or us, for that matter). It revolves around HIM, and will continue to, till the end of time.








Let Jesus be everything, and I, nothing. I'm nothing but a small instrument in His hands. It matters not what happens to me, it only matters that people love Jesus more each day. -Mother Teresa

Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring. All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. -Paul (2 Thess 1:4-5)

Can't Fight This Feeling

I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, had grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when were together
You gave my life direction
You made everything so clear

And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

'Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

My life had been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I'd been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
'Cause you took me to the places that alone I'd never find

Love is everything it's cracked up to be... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. -Erica Jong

Loving and Hating

The whole world always seems to be in love when you're single.




When I just glance through Chloe's blog, I saw something that reminded me of a thought that I flirted with some time ago.

"So my theory is that the greater capacity you have to hate, the more room you have to love."

I know in some way or another I subscribe to this theory partially. Admittedly, I'm strangely attracted to girls who hate themselves. The more vicious the hatred, the more intensely I get caught up. And with whatever experience I have, the statement is true. Girls who hate themselves intensely have a mind-blowing capacity to love another.

More manipulative men would nurse and stir the hatred, invoking it whenever their egos need a boost. And it works, no doubt. That's a principle of the so-called "players" and "bad boys" after all. They make the girl hate herself so deeply that any independent identity is erased and her identity is linked to who he is and what he can do.

To me, that is downright mean and heartless. My attraction is based on a desire to lift her up and let her understand how beautiful she is and what she's really capable of. My new revelation? It's not just exclusive to romantic linkages. My heart goes out to the young ladies in the school who look down on themselves. I have no inclination and desire to teach the Express girls of whom many (not all) believe they know it all, and think that they own the world. It's a facade ladies, and you know it. But if you like the little mask you wear, by all means.

As for the NA girls, it's like a magnetic attraction. They've no interest in school, no inclination to study, much less over the June holidays. Truth to be told, the only thing that I have to capture the first few minutes of their attention is my looks. I'm not THAT good-looking so the effect is pretty limited. But I offered them something, deep down in my heart. I have no idea where the words came from, but it went something like this:

Ladies. I know that there's Something beautiful deep down inside all of you. I know the world doesn't see it, doesn't recognize it, doesn't appreciate it. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It just means that you'll have to wait a little while longer before it's your turn to shine. Each and everyone of you, you were born to be beautiful, you were born to be loved, and you were born to be a star. And I'm going to help you find your way.

I'm sure they knew that the last promise was impossible; after all, I'm leaving in late July. But for the duration of the entire two periods (1hr 10 mins), I had every student captivated. It surprised me that no one had ever spoken to them that way before. After class, some girls even queued up to meet me. They spoke of their secret dreams: To be superstars, world-renowned artists, wealthy businesswomen. Some of them simply wanted a good life to provide for the ones they loved. But some time or another, these dreams disappeared, fading into the background of a hostile world of academic competition. And it was nice to be able to revive these dreams back again. I swear I saw some of them literally skip away for the next class after our conversation ended!

My supervisor was impressed. She never did capture half of any class' attention before, at least since I started class observation (because she nags alot). And it was a nice feeling to be complimented by a senior teacher. However, the jubilation didn't last long.





The little, dark voice came back to haunt me.





It spoke of my failures, my uselessness, my short-term successes. You want real evidence, It asked. Simple. Look at your past relationships. None of them worked out. All of them were ladies who needed love, needed motivation, needed inspiration. They needed approval, to know that they were beautiful, intelligent, charming, desired. And that you gave! And how eloquently too! After all, it was your gift, no? Did God not reveal your talent to inspire with words that penetrate deep into the soul and warm hearts, giving them the will and the belief to fight untold hordes of enemies? But oh, how meaningless. One by one they left, without logical reasoning. Yes, you made them feel beautiful alright, even in areas they felt they had absolutely no beauty in. No doubt, you made them feel like they matched your level of intelligence. Alright, you turned on their confidence, confidence enough to charm the world. And oh yes, you made them feel desired, far more desired by you than any other man they have ever met or believe they could ever meet. You're a genius, but you're also an absolute failure. Your inspirations are short-lived, your motivations groundless. And if you can't even keep someone who sticks by you ever so often, how can you convince students you meet twice a week? Even with you by their side, hopelessness will seep in again, and they will look to another for approval, another who's careful not to give it so easily, unlike you. Forget it, Victor. Just drop the idea. Go lose some weight.





My only rebuttal to Chloe's statement was: me. It was why I never penned the "theory" down on my blog in the first place. I took pride in myself as someone who could love oh so deeply, without feeling hatred for anyone or anything around me. I can forgive easily, grudges disappear within the hour. But I forget that I do hate something with an intense hatred that burns like a furnace which goes on night and day. I forget that there is something I have not and cannot forgive, despite the unusual magnanimity that has unwittingly become part of my personality after years of training in patience and love.










Myself.








When sorrow come, they come not in single spies, but in battalions. -William Shakespeare

And no, I won't ever need any woman to heal the gaping wounds in my heart. Haven't met one that knew about them anyway, much less bothered to tend to them. Even if I met one who was willing to, chances are I won't be attracted to her in the first place. - Valentino Casanova