At 12-12.30 today, I wasn't exactly in a mode or position that most people usually are in when they're fasting. I was standing on a train from Bukit Gombak to Tiong Bahru, leaning against the window, tummy growling, and thinking very hard. Sometimes God tells us things via a gentle whisper, a thought into our heart, or a passage from the Scriptures. This time, it wasn't the case. It was plainly laid out in front of me.
I cannot, cannot, cannot stand failure. Which is why the trip was unusually moody for me because I had just flunked my driving test. And being me, I was blaming myself. Maybe it was a sin that I committed before the test. Maybe I was too nervous. Maybe I was...
Now that I've read David's e-mail about how God spoke to him using today's Everyday with Jesus article, it's amazing how intepretations can be remarkably different. Before the test, I had done my QT, and it was about how sometimes "problems don't go away despite our most ardent praying".
I never really understood how God works through failing me. Although I can list so many occasions where I had failed and God had brought even better things out of it for me, failure has always been something that I cannot accept. I've even managed to hide it so well that when during a conversation, Ilango once said that he envied me because I seemed to be successful in every thing that I did, that I achieved whatever I wanted to achieve eventually. To a large extent God has indeed blessed me with numerous successes, but to say that I've succeeded in everything that I wanted to succeed in would be a misguided exaggeration.
I've had my fair share of failures. But maybe too few that each one hurts more deeply than they should. And the most serious problem of all: I ALWAYS take the blame.
Noticeably, this seems pretty normal. I mean, I failed the driving test. Hui Kok Wing Victor, S8511XXXX, failed the test at the circuit, he didn't even have to drive on the main road. It has to be my fault, who else can I blame? My driving instructor? The car? The people who designed the circuit? The other trainees constantly blocking the way?
But this is absolute pride! Even though I give God to glory when I suceed, I need constant reminders that God also has a part in my failures.
The agenda for prayer for revival today is wisdom. And one thing has been made VERY clear to me, for the umpteen time. Wisdom and pride does not go together. Moreover, even with immense wisdom, I will never know why God allows certain things to happen.
At foresight, failing the driving test means that I've to go for more driving lessons. It also means that I'm $500 dollars poorer instead of just $250, and this doesn't include the cost of the driving lessons yet. It means that I have less time to have dinner with my family and friends for the next few weeks, and longer if I fail the second time. It means that I can never give glory to God and say that by His grace I made it through the first time.
At foresight, nothing good can come out of failing. At hindsight however, all I hear is what God was saying to me through my QT material, "For your own good this has to be done, some day you will understand. You must trust my love."
My pride chooses to see only what's in front of me. But God reminded me that revival is not dependent on total victories one after another. The path to revival may be, and often is, strewned with failures.
To be able to acknowledge one's inability to understand every situation and outcome, yet to continue to have faith that everything will turn out good in His time, that, is the pinnacle of humble wisdom.
As you serve Me, you will experience greater failures than this. If you thought that the misery caused by these small stumble was tough to handle, behold, those that you will encounter in the future! Remember that even in certain villages, my Son did not manage to bring healing too. Not every revival meeting will be met with success, not every prayer will be answered positively, not every soul that you evangelize to will be saved. But through these small failures, You are undergoing preparation to understand the way I work, and You will know that I am God. -God to Valentino, on a moody train ride back
I did my best, and by His grace, I failed. -Valentino Casanova
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