When I just glance through Chloe's blog, I saw something that reminded me of a thought that I flirted with some time ago.
"So my theory is that the greater capacity you have to hate, the more room you have to love."
I know in some way or another I subscribe to this theory partially. Admittedly, I'm strangely attracted to girls who hate themselves. The more vicious the hatred, the more intensely I get caught up. And with whatever experience I have, the statement is true. Girls who hate themselves intensely have a mind-blowing capacity to love another.
More manipulative men would nurse and stir the hatred, invoking it whenever their egos need a boost. And it works, no doubt. That's a principle of the so-called "players" and "bad boys" after all. They make the girl hate herself so deeply that any independent identity is erased and her identity is linked to who he is and what he can do.
To me, that is downright mean and heartless. My attraction is based on a desire to lift her up and let her understand how beautiful she is and what she's really capable of. My new revelation? It's not just exclusive to romantic linkages. My heart goes out to the young ladies in the school who look down on themselves. I have no inclination and desire to teach the Express girls of whom many (not all) believe they know it all, and think that they own the world. It's a facade ladies, and you know it. But if you like the little mask you wear, by all means.
As for the NA girls, it's like a magnetic attraction. They've no interest in school, no inclination to study, much less over the June holidays. Truth to be told, the only thing that I have to capture the first few minutes of their attention is my looks. I'm not THAT good-looking so the effect is pretty limited. But I offered them something, deep down in my heart. I have no idea where the words came from, but it went something like this:
Ladies. I know that there's Something beautiful deep down inside all of you. I know the world doesn't see it, doesn't recognize it, doesn't appreciate it. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It just means that you'll have to wait a little while longer before it's your turn to shine. Each and everyone of you, you were born to be beautiful, you were born to be loved, and you were born to be a star. And I'm going to help you find your way.
I'm sure they knew that the last promise was impossible; after all, I'm leaving in late July. But for the duration of the entire two periods (1hr 10 mins), I had every student captivated. It surprised me that no one had ever spoken to them that way before. After class, some girls even queued up to meet me. They spoke of their secret dreams: To be superstars, world-renowned artists, wealthy businesswomen. Some of them simply wanted a good life to provide for the ones they loved. But some time or another, these dreams disappeared, fading into the background of a hostile world of academic competition. And it was nice to be able to revive these dreams back again. I swear I saw some of them literally skip away for the next class after our conversation ended!
My supervisor was impressed. She never did capture half of any class' attention before, at least since I started class observation (because she nags alot). And it was a nice feeling to be complimented by a senior teacher. However, the jubilation didn't last long.
The little, dark voice came back to haunt me.
It spoke of my failures, my uselessness, my short-term successes. You want real evidence, It asked. Simple. Look at your past relationships. None of them worked out. All of them were ladies who needed love, needed motivation, needed inspiration. They needed approval, to know that they were beautiful, intelligent, charming, desired. And that you gave! And how eloquently too! After all, it was your gift, no? Did God not reveal your talent to inspire with words that penetrate deep into the soul and warm hearts, giving them the will and the belief to fight untold hordes of enemies? But oh, how meaningless. One by one they left, without logical reasoning. Yes, you made them feel beautiful alright, even in areas they felt they had absolutely no beauty in. No doubt, you made them feel like they matched your level of intelligence. Alright, you turned on their confidence, confidence enough to charm the world. And oh yes, you made them feel desired, far more desired by you than any other man they have ever met or believe they could ever meet. You're a genius, but you're also an absolute failure. Your inspirations are short-lived, your motivations groundless. And if you can't even keep someone who sticks by you ever so often, how can you convince students you meet twice a week? Even with you by their side, hopelessness will seep in again, and they will look to another for approval, another who's careful not to give it so easily, unlike you. Forget it, Victor. Just drop the idea. Go lose some weight.
My only rebuttal to Chloe's statement was: me. It was why I never penned the "theory" down on my blog in the first place. I took pride in myself as someone who could love oh so deeply, without feeling hatred for anyone or anything around me. I can forgive easily, grudges disappear within the hour. But I forget that I do hate something with an intense hatred that burns like a furnace which goes on night and day. I forget that there is something I have not and cannot forgive, despite the unusual magnanimity that has unwittingly become part of my personality after years of training in patience and love.
Myself.
When sorrow come, they come not in single spies, but in battalions. -William Shakespeare
And no, I won't ever need any woman to heal the gaping wounds in my heart. Haven't met one that knew about them anyway, much less bothered to tend to them. Even if I met one who was willing to, chances are I won't be attracted to her in the first place. - Valentino Casanova
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