It's amazing how I can spend an entire day with friends, laugh, talk, eat and shop together only to come back, read a few paragraphs on a blog, and feel so damn alone and depressed.
You see, the difference between her (ironically an atheist) and me, is that she knows how to blame him. She knows how to get sad because of him, get angry at you, curse and swear at the both of you, and listen to the advice of those around her. She can convince herself that she'll find someone better, convince herself that the both of you won't last, and look forward to returning to UK where she'll be miles away from her worries.
I, on the other hand, must be suffering from a unmovable stubbornness, an extremely high-level stupidity, and less faith in God than she has in herself. I can't bring myself to blame you. I don't know what I should be sad about, I'm not angry at him, I'm not the curse-and-swear type, and the advice of others are totally falling on deaf ears. I get angry at God, only to be told that God is God and knows best and is always right, so I must be wrong. And thus I'm angry at myself. Angry for being a self-pitying loser, angry for still having trouble sleeping at night, angry that I can't take my mind of you, angry that I'm not good enough to protect your fragile heart when I had the chance, angry that so many other people still talk behind your back, angry that I'm angry with God whom I still think is withholding healing from you for reasons I still don't understand.
I can't convince myself of anything, thus my prayers are filled with the hope that he is the one, that through the grace of God the relationship between the both of you will last. But prayer without faith, what is that?
Some people are known to take out pen knives or little sharp objects to cut themselves, just to know that they're alive, to temporarily replace the emotional pain with a physical one. Healing is not on their minds, maybe deep down inside they don't want to heal. Once, twice, and the cycle repeats, again and again.
No one is hurting me but myself. And for the hundredth time since a month ago, I'm still plunging the knife into my own heart, cutting deep into the soul, twisting the blade so that the pain turns from excruciation to sadistic pleasure. The wounds that He healed just a moment ago, I open up again, like a little child who keeps smashing the tower that his parents painfully rebuild again and again, laughing and giggling at the destruction.
Somewhere, deep inside me, I still hope. When I think of you, the knife becomes stained with blood again. The candle of hope relights once more within me, and I draw closer to Him who heals.
With the blade still in my hands.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
City of Angels
This is for you girl. Taken from the movie "City of Angels":
"If you knew this was going to happen, would you have done it?"
"I would rather have had:
One breath of her hair
One kiss of her mouth
One touch of her hand
Than an eternity without it.
One."
Enjoy "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
"If you knew this was going to happen, would you have done it?"
"I would rather have had:
One breath of her hair
One kiss of her mouth
One touch of her hand
Than an eternity without it.
One."
Enjoy "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
All I Want For Christmas
All I want for Christmas is my desire back. And the perfect woman for me that only God knows who.
Blessed Christmas to one and all! +) May the good Lord grant all the desires of your heart as you continue to seek Him. And if you have no dreams and desires of your own, may the good Lord plant some outrageous ones deep into your heart.
Blessed Christmas to one and all! +) May the good Lord grant all the desires of your heart as you continue to seek Him. And if you have no dreams and desires of your own, may the good Lord plant some outrageous ones deep into your heart.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Desire
One day some time in November:
One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Victor? He may not be as blameless and upright as Job, who fears God and shuns evil, and it hasn't been too long ago that he quit his addictions to pornography, computer games and clubbing. Nevertheless, he has a lot of desire and passion to accomplish great things in my name. Optimistic, idealistic, with a certain aura of child-like innocence and trust, he is fertile ground for planting big dreams of revival and repentance among the nations."
"Does Victor trust God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his academic results are good and his friends are aplenty. But stretch out your hand and strike one thing, just one thing that means everything to him, and well, I don't think he will curse you... but I can guarantee that his passion for life and his desire for the beauty that all mankind was made to search for will be thoroughly quenched. He'll probably just become like one of the Sunday Christians in the church, dutiful, but deep down inside, passionless and hopeless."
The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, you are allowed to choose one thing to change in his life, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
That one thing You let Satan take away from me Lord, was equivalent to tearing half my soul away. I had loved her so much that she became part of me; I had become vulnerable so that I could love the way You created love to be; I had built dreams on the Christian ideals and principles that Your Word speaks of, so that You would be pleased, and bless the relationship. But no, You had my ego crushed, my self-esteem demolished, my talents made worthless and my hopes vanquished. You brought me to my knees, forced me to relinquished control on my life, broke my back, and now You ask me, "What is it that you want?"
Lord, I don't know what I want anymore. I used to. I used to want to personally see revival in Japan. I used to want to offer my talents in life-long ministry. I used to want to lead people who will become famous, powerful warriors in Your name. I used to want to write songs of praise, ballads of love, poetry of the wellspring of emotions when I'm with You. I used to want to fall so deeply in love with a beautiful woman who hungers after Your heart and prays alongside me. I used to want to storm the gates of Hell right behind Your Son, act as His vanguard, and taste the sweetness of a victory already won. Now, I don't know what I want anymore. Life seems like a chore, service like duty, righteousness like a web of legality. I'm tempted to just give up my dreams, desires and secret hopes. Maybe I should just stay at home and pray for Japan 20 seconds a week. Maybe I should just work as an ordinary government servant and be satisfied with my pension. Maybe I should just lead a small team of admin workers who just want to knock off 5 minutes before 6pm. Maybe I should give up music and singing, songwriting and romance. Maybe I should just marry the average girl-next-door who just wants someone to love her and provide for her, while she does whatever is required to sustain a family. Maybe I can just stay back as part of the reserved force during the final battle, praying that I'll never have to face those horrid demons.
Lord, give me strength so say, like Job did, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
My results have come out. I'm a little disappointed, though in actual fact I have nothing to be disappointed about.
SC3203: Race and Ethnicity A+
SC3208: Religion in Society and Culture A
SC3209: Data Analysis (Statistics) B
GEK2022: Samurai, Geisha and Yakuza as Self/Other A+
PH1101E: Reason and Persuasion (Philosophy) B-
Cap for Semester: 4.3/5.0
Overall Cap: 4.08/5.0
The disappointment comes because I expected to hit the Dean's List this semester. Another dream shattered. But I was undergoing depression during the exam period, and God still gave my such results! My ungratefulness only builds up contempt for myself deep within. My greater concern is for how she did. I hope she did alright. Nah, she's a smart girl, she'll have done fine, if not exceptionally brilliantly.
Oh God, I hate myself.
One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Victor? He may not be as blameless and upright as Job, who fears God and shuns evil, and it hasn't been too long ago that he quit his addictions to pornography, computer games and clubbing. Nevertheless, he has a lot of desire and passion to accomplish great things in my name. Optimistic, idealistic, with a certain aura of child-like innocence and trust, he is fertile ground for planting big dreams of revival and repentance among the nations."
"Does Victor trust God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his academic results are good and his friends are aplenty. But stretch out your hand and strike one thing, just one thing that means everything to him, and well, I don't think he will curse you... but I can guarantee that his passion for life and his desire for the beauty that all mankind was made to search for will be thoroughly quenched. He'll probably just become like one of the Sunday Christians in the church, dutiful, but deep down inside, passionless and hopeless."
The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, you are allowed to choose one thing to change in his life, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
That one thing You let Satan take away from me Lord, was equivalent to tearing half my soul away. I had loved her so much that she became part of me; I had become vulnerable so that I could love the way You created love to be; I had built dreams on the Christian ideals and principles that Your Word speaks of, so that You would be pleased, and bless the relationship. But no, You had my ego crushed, my self-esteem demolished, my talents made worthless and my hopes vanquished. You brought me to my knees, forced me to relinquished control on my life, broke my back, and now You ask me, "What is it that you want?"
Lord, I don't know what I want anymore. I used to. I used to want to personally see revival in Japan. I used to want to offer my talents in life-long ministry. I used to want to lead people who will become famous, powerful warriors in Your name. I used to want to write songs of praise, ballads of love, poetry of the wellspring of emotions when I'm with You. I used to want to fall so deeply in love with a beautiful woman who hungers after Your heart and prays alongside me. I used to want to storm the gates of Hell right behind Your Son, act as His vanguard, and taste the sweetness of a victory already won. Now, I don't know what I want anymore. Life seems like a chore, service like duty, righteousness like a web of legality. I'm tempted to just give up my dreams, desires and secret hopes. Maybe I should just stay at home and pray for Japan 20 seconds a week. Maybe I should just work as an ordinary government servant and be satisfied with my pension. Maybe I should just lead a small team of admin workers who just want to knock off 5 minutes before 6pm. Maybe I should give up music and singing, songwriting and romance. Maybe I should just marry the average girl-next-door who just wants someone to love her and provide for her, while she does whatever is required to sustain a family. Maybe I can just stay back as part of the reserved force during the final battle, praying that I'll never have to face those horrid demons.
Lord, give me strength so say, like Job did, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
My results have come out. I'm a little disappointed, though in actual fact I have nothing to be disappointed about.
SC3203: Race and Ethnicity A+
SC3208: Religion in Society and Culture A
SC3209: Data Analysis (Statistics) B
GEK2022: Samurai, Geisha and Yakuza as Self/Other A+
PH1101E: Reason and Persuasion (Philosophy) B-
Cap for Semester: 4.3/5.0
Overall Cap: 4.08/5.0
The disappointment comes because I expected to hit the Dean's List this semester. Another dream shattered. But I was undergoing depression during the exam period, and God still gave my such results! My ungratefulness only builds up contempt for myself deep within. My greater concern is for how she did. I hope she did alright. Nah, she's a smart girl, she'll have done fine, if not exceptionally brilliantly.
Oh God, I hate myself.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Heal The Pain
Let me tell you a secret
Put it in your heart and keep it
Something that I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have something to show
You tell me you're cold on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that your heart can embrace
Be good to yourself
Because nobody else
Has the power to make you happy
Chorus:
How can I help you
Please let me try to
I can heal the pain
That you're feeling inside
Whenever you want me
You know that I will be
Waiting for the day
That you'll say you'll be mine
He must have really hurt you
To make you say the things that you do
He must have really hurt you
To make those pretty eyes look so blue
He must have known
That he could
That you'd never leave him
Now you can't see my love is good
And that I'm not him
Who needs a lover
That can't be a friend
Something tells me I'm the one
You've been looking for
If you should ever see him again
Wont you tell him you've found
Someone who gives you more
Someone who will protect you
Love and respect you
All those things
That he could never bring to you
Like I do
Or rather I would
Won't you show me your heart
Like you should
Won't you let me in
Let this love begin
Wont you show me your heart now
I'll be good to you
I can make this thing true
And get to your heart somehow
Put it in your heart and keep it
Something that I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have something to show
You tell me you're cold on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that your heart can embrace
Be good to yourself
Because nobody else
Has the power to make you happy
Chorus:
How can I help you
Please let me try to
I can heal the pain
That you're feeling inside
Whenever you want me
You know that I will be
Waiting for the day
That you'll say you'll be mine
He must have really hurt you
To make you say the things that you do
He must have really hurt you
To make those pretty eyes look so blue
He must have known
That he could
That you'd never leave him
Now you can't see my love is good
And that I'm not him
Who needs a lover
That can't be a friend
Something tells me I'm the one
You've been looking for
If you should ever see him again
Wont you tell him you've found
Someone who gives you more
Someone who will protect you
Love and respect you
All those things
That he could never bring to you
Like I do
Or rather I would
Won't you show me your heart
Like you should
Won't you let me in
Let this love begin
Wont you show me your heart now
I'll be good to you
I can make this thing true
And get to your heart somehow
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tears In Japan
Let me tell you what a miracle is.
The team had just finished their meeting today, and everyone was busy unpacking into the splendid room that the church gave us to sleep in. I had just finished sharing the devotion for the day, and was feeling a little emo, and gradually the feeling just got worse. I kept brooding about her, thinking about her, praying for her, and even asking God to take away the pain, the hurt and my terrible lack of patience. Neither did I feel like talking to anyone about it, though encouragement came in various ways from different people.
Just then, as I felt so crushed from emotion and so alone, 4 men barged into the room. They were the church members whom I made such good friends with the last time I came to the church. All ranging from 35-45 years old, they were brothers, and they had came late at night specially to visit me. Teasing me and recalling the time I jokingly said I wanted to be the next president of Singapore, suddenly one of them remembered that I could sing, and asked for a song.
It was a shocking moment for me. I nearly couldn't say anything from embarrassment, but they goaded me on till I picked up Annabelle, and they cheered. Deciding to get everyone involved, I asked for everyone's cooperation, including Hansheng who was there, to sing "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever" with me. I played and sang the English version, the rest of them sang the Japanese version. The feeling was oh so wonderful, and even till they laughed, talked and joked around for the next half an hour or so, then left, my mind was still on her, on God, but I felt so much at peace. God truly works in miraculous ways! Even as I'm blogging, I'm in disbelief that at the moment I was feeling so low during this trip, God brought 4 men who can hardly speak a word of English to barge into the room, sing songs of praise with me, and encourage me on.
A beautiful miracle to me. Thanks for the prayers everyone. +)
Oh, and just as the team was travelling to the church, I was reading this beautiful book by Philip Yancey called "Disappoinment with God". It was a book that I wanted to pass to Ilango when his dad passed away, but I forgot, and decided to bring it to Japan as reading material that had information regarding the way I felt. This passage struck me so hard, I couldn't help but weep in my heart non-stop.
This is God's burning anger and jealousy towards His people through the prophets:
"I'll tell you how I feel! I feel like a jilted lover. I found my lover thin and wasted, abused, but I brought home and made her beauty shine. She is my precious one, the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I lavish on her gifts and love. And yet she forsakes me. She pants after my best friends, my enemies - anyone. She stands by a highway and under every spreading tree and, worse than a prostitute, she pays people to have sex with her. I feel betrayed, abandoned, cuckolded."
A month ago, this passage won't have meant anything to me. However, starting from that day and for a long time, this paragraph is going to rip my heart to shreds. I have absolutely nothing righteous to feel regarding my own situation, which can hardly parallel anything to what God feels. But the pain nearly killed me. It is beyond me how God can forgive. I still can't believe that everytime I sin, it's like doing this to God.
And God, I don't want You to hurt. The pain is unbearable. No Lord, don't cry. Please don't cry.
The team had just finished their meeting today, and everyone was busy unpacking into the splendid room that the church gave us to sleep in. I had just finished sharing the devotion for the day, and was feeling a little emo, and gradually the feeling just got worse. I kept brooding about her, thinking about her, praying for her, and even asking God to take away the pain, the hurt and my terrible lack of patience. Neither did I feel like talking to anyone about it, though encouragement came in various ways from different people.
Just then, as I felt so crushed from emotion and so alone, 4 men barged into the room. They were the church members whom I made such good friends with the last time I came to the church. All ranging from 35-45 years old, they were brothers, and they had came late at night specially to visit me. Teasing me and recalling the time I jokingly said I wanted to be the next president of Singapore, suddenly one of them remembered that I could sing, and asked for a song.
It was a shocking moment for me. I nearly couldn't say anything from embarrassment, but they goaded me on till I picked up Annabelle, and they cheered. Deciding to get everyone involved, I asked for everyone's cooperation, including Hansheng who was there, to sing "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever" with me. I played and sang the English version, the rest of them sang the Japanese version. The feeling was oh so wonderful, and even till they laughed, talked and joked around for the next half an hour or so, then left, my mind was still on her, on God, but I felt so much at peace. God truly works in miraculous ways! Even as I'm blogging, I'm in disbelief that at the moment I was feeling so low during this trip, God brought 4 men who can hardly speak a word of English to barge into the room, sing songs of praise with me, and encourage me on.
A beautiful miracle to me. Thanks for the prayers everyone. +)
Oh, and just as the team was travelling to the church, I was reading this beautiful book by Philip Yancey called "Disappoinment with God". It was a book that I wanted to pass to Ilango when his dad passed away, but I forgot, and decided to bring it to Japan as reading material that had information regarding the way I felt. This passage struck me so hard, I couldn't help but weep in my heart non-stop.
This is God's burning anger and jealousy towards His people through the prophets:
"I'll tell you how I feel! I feel like a jilted lover. I found my lover thin and wasted, abused, but I brought home and made her beauty shine. She is my precious one, the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I lavish on her gifts and love. And yet she forsakes me. She pants after my best friends, my enemies - anyone. She stands by a highway and under every spreading tree and, worse than a prostitute, she pays people to have sex with her. I feel betrayed, abandoned, cuckolded."
A month ago, this passage won't have meant anything to me. However, starting from that day and for a long time, this paragraph is going to rip my heart to shreds. I have absolutely nothing righteous to feel regarding my own situation, which can hardly parallel anything to what God feels. But the pain nearly killed me. It is beyond me how God can forgive. I still can't believe that everytime I sin, it's like doing this to God.
And God, I don't want You to hurt. The pain is unbearable. No Lord, don't cry. Please don't cry.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Hello Japan!
I'm leaving for Japan soon. Reality is sinking in, and I'm not exactly the most excited member of the team.
JLPT was good, thank God! Passing shouldn't be difficult, I'm probably just expecting much higher to see if I can take on the next grade. Only the listening section had a bit of difficulty, but everything else was pretty much okay.
After the exam, I decided to drop by her house, but kinda expected she won't be home. She wasn't anyway. So I passed something to her dad, who was really nice and said she was doing fine, sleeping well with no visible problems. Hope she gets it soon. It's silly I know. But... Oh well.
Went to Gina's mother-in-law's house after that. Baby Eden was celebrating his first month, and my parents were invited, so I decided to drop by, albeit unexpectedly. Gina looked as radiant as ever, with little Eden in her arms. Constantly smiling, like the fantastic hostess that would make even a stranger feel welcomed, she was in a perfect picture of health. I'm glad she's happy. I knew she would make a wonderful mother, despite whatever some people in church thought and said. But we didn't talk much, just looked into one another's eyes from afar, and tearing off the gaze purposely. Shijie was there, sheepish, just constantly telling me to eat and if I wanted more drinks.
It was the first time Shijie's mum saw me too. I think she knew who I was. Every time I looked at her, she had a really apologetic look on her face. She kept asking Gina to let my mum carry Eden, and kept singing praises about how knowledgeable my mum was about handling babies. It made me feel really bad too. I mean, it was no fault of hers. And I'm sure she knows how blessed she is to have Gina as a daughter-in-law. I wanted to go over and ask if everything was okay, but she looked as if she would break down if I did. Maybe I would have myself. My parents soon realized that I was getting really quiet, and decided to leave early. Gina's grandparents would be arriving soon. It would spell disaster if I was still around. The last time her grandma saw me, she cried her heart out and ask me if I would take Gina back. On Gina's wedding day too. The thought of it just breaks my heart again. I couldn't help but leave the wedding dinner that day just to cry outside the restaurant.
I know all this memories are coming at a lousy time. The Devil just wants to hit me where I'm most vulnerable right now. My fear of rejection. My fear of loneliness. My fear of worthlessness. I'm beginning to get disappointed with God. Like I've any right to be. Like I think I know the bigger picture better than Him. Sigh. No self-pitying Victor. Stop it.
Was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers last night. The book writes that God will never tell us why He wants things to go in certain ways. But it adds that God will simply reveal His glory. And I really hope to get a glimpse of it. But for now, I have to remain quiet and wait upon Him. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I just can't help wondering what "all these things" could mean. I hope it doesn't mean troubles, heartaches, and long waits for some things that might never come.
Managed to collect nearly enough support to return my dad every penny that he had paid for me already. That's a huge relief for me. I've only a few supporters, but it's been another amazing journey for support raising. Jehovah Jireh indeed, He is. So much of it came on the last day!
For all those reading, please pray for me okay? I promise I'll do my best and not drag the entire team down in any way. I just have this knack of affecting other people when I'm down. Can't seem to conceal my emotions very well, they seem to be written all over my face and words.
David, thanks for coming up and asking if I'm okay. I was much better after talking to you. It's a character flaw that I have to fix, and so deeply rooted only God can change me. Michelle, thanks for that lovely letter of encouragement, it's wonderful to know that you're still trusting God despite being constantly attacked. I hope you're not affected by my current situation. Andrew, don't take it too hard, you know you can talk to me if you need to. Heartbroken people understand one another better. Caleb, Jennifer, David & Irene Tai, Thiam Kwee, Louis & Fae, thanks for providing me with financial support for this trip! And all the people praying for me, I won't let you all down! Matthew Lim, sorry I couldn't meet up with you, was busy sorting out my thoughts. Dinner together once I come back okay!
Oh and Nick!! I want sexy, white "branded" T-shirts from KL. No, not so tight that my nipples can be seen. And no suggestive words on them. I've quit my clubbing habit a long time ago. The temptation to go back there is horrendously great in my current situation, but no no. Thanks. Love you bro. *Mat handshake*
Goodbye Singapore. Hello Japan. Hello lonely people outside the train stations and 99 Yen stores. Jesus loves you. +)
JLPT was good, thank God! Passing shouldn't be difficult, I'm probably just expecting much higher to see if I can take on the next grade. Only the listening section had a bit of difficulty, but everything else was pretty much okay.
After the exam, I decided to drop by her house, but kinda expected she won't be home. She wasn't anyway. So I passed something to her dad, who was really nice and said she was doing fine, sleeping well with no visible problems. Hope she gets it soon. It's silly I know. But... Oh well.
Went to Gina's mother-in-law's house after that. Baby Eden was celebrating his first month, and my parents were invited, so I decided to drop by, albeit unexpectedly. Gina looked as radiant as ever, with little Eden in her arms. Constantly smiling, like the fantastic hostess that would make even a stranger feel welcomed, she was in a perfect picture of health. I'm glad she's happy. I knew she would make a wonderful mother, despite whatever some people in church thought and said. But we didn't talk much, just looked into one another's eyes from afar, and tearing off the gaze purposely. Shijie was there, sheepish, just constantly telling me to eat and if I wanted more drinks.
It was the first time Shijie's mum saw me too. I think she knew who I was. Every time I looked at her, she had a really apologetic look on her face. She kept asking Gina to let my mum carry Eden, and kept singing praises about how knowledgeable my mum was about handling babies. It made me feel really bad too. I mean, it was no fault of hers. And I'm sure she knows how blessed she is to have Gina as a daughter-in-law. I wanted to go over and ask if everything was okay, but she looked as if she would break down if I did. Maybe I would have myself. My parents soon realized that I was getting really quiet, and decided to leave early. Gina's grandparents would be arriving soon. It would spell disaster if I was still around. The last time her grandma saw me, she cried her heart out and ask me if I would take Gina back. On Gina's wedding day too. The thought of it just breaks my heart again. I couldn't help but leave the wedding dinner that day just to cry outside the restaurant.
I know all this memories are coming at a lousy time. The Devil just wants to hit me where I'm most vulnerable right now. My fear of rejection. My fear of loneliness. My fear of worthlessness. I'm beginning to get disappointed with God. Like I've any right to be. Like I think I know the bigger picture better than Him. Sigh. No self-pitying Victor. Stop it.
Was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers last night. The book writes that God will never tell us why He wants things to go in certain ways. But it adds that God will simply reveal His glory. And I really hope to get a glimpse of it. But for now, I have to remain quiet and wait upon Him. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I just can't help wondering what "all these things" could mean. I hope it doesn't mean troubles, heartaches, and long waits for some things that might never come.
Managed to collect nearly enough support to return my dad every penny that he had paid for me already. That's a huge relief for me. I've only a few supporters, but it's been another amazing journey for support raising. Jehovah Jireh indeed, He is. So much of it came on the last day!
For all those reading, please pray for me okay? I promise I'll do my best and not drag the entire team down in any way. I just have this knack of affecting other people when I'm down. Can't seem to conceal my emotions very well, they seem to be written all over my face and words.
David, thanks for coming up and asking if I'm okay. I was much better after talking to you. It's a character flaw that I have to fix, and so deeply rooted only God can change me. Michelle, thanks for that lovely letter of encouragement, it's wonderful to know that you're still trusting God despite being constantly attacked. I hope you're not affected by my current situation. Andrew, don't take it too hard, you know you can talk to me if you need to. Heartbroken people understand one another better. Caleb, Jennifer, David & Irene Tai, Thiam Kwee, Louis & Fae, thanks for providing me with financial support for this trip! And all the people praying for me, I won't let you all down! Matthew Lim, sorry I couldn't meet up with you, was busy sorting out my thoughts. Dinner together once I come back okay!
Oh and Nick!! I want sexy, white "branded" T-shirts from KL. No, not so tight that my nipples can be seen. And no suggestive words on them. I've quit my clubbing habit a long time ago. The temptation to go back there is horrendously great in my current situation, but no no. Thanks. Love you bro. *Mat handshake*
Goodbye Singapore. Hello Japan. Hello lonely people outside the train stations and 99 Yen stores. Jesus loves you. +)
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Worthlessly Looking Back
When I think I'm ready, nothing happens. When my world is crumbling and patching, hurting and healing, THEN God throws me into the battlefield. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll disappoint people. I'm afraid I'll get agitated, irritated, tired, lose motivation, get homesick, get physically sick, think too much, worry too much, love too little. My heart is somewhere else, constantly oscillating from "focused" to "hopeless".
But the battle will rage on. With a heavy heart, I will continue to pray, sing, and spread the gospel. God will strengthen my heart as I rejoice in Him, with or without tears. My team mates, I cannot disappoint. The people supporting the team and myself in prayer, I will not disappoint. His Majesty, I must not disappoint. I cannot, I will not, I must not. Bible tells us in Luke 9:62 that whoever looks back is not worthy to serve. But I'm afraid I won't be worthy. I can only hope I'm not a deadweight to the team.
JLPT exam in less than 10 hours. And I haven't practiced any Japanese for more than half a year. SO screwed. Let's hope I can pass this one. No more pseudo-ego.
But the battle will rage on. With a heavy heart, I will continue to pray, sing, and spread the gospel. God will strengthen my heart as I rejoice in Him, with or without tears. My team mates, I cannot disappoint. The people supporting the team and myself in prayer, I will not disappoint. His Majesty, I must not disappoint. I cannot, I will not, I must not. Bible tells us in Luke 9:62 that whoever looks back is not worthy to serve. But I'm afraid I won't be worthy. I can only hope I'm not a deadweight to the team.
JLPT exam in less than 10 hours. And I haven't practiced any Japanese for more than half a year. SO screwed. Let's hope I can pass this one. No more pseudo-ego.
New Year Resolutions
Exams over! FINALLY! Thanks to God for bringing me through more smoothly than I could have ever expected, despite the struggles before and during the exam period. Thanks to everyone who were just there to listen to my problems, give me advice and pray for me. But now that the exams are over... I kinda feel listless again. I want to continue praying for her, but I also risk the hurt that comes from being reminded about her every time I do so. Love. Such a dangerous weapon.
Anyway New Year resolution time! Time to get my mind off the not-so-happy stuff. (I know some of you are going to laugh your balls off after reading this, but I don't care!!)
1. Achieve Gold Standard for IPPT which will happen latest March (only problem is 2.4km run; never ever accomplished in my life)
2. Get a six pack (kinda cheating given all the weight loss over the exam period. And no Nick, I don't mean a six pack can of your whoop-ass beer). I want to look like Calvin Klein model. So there. Hmmph.
3. Get my driving license by June.
4. Learn how to whip up my favorite home-cooked dishes. I finally learned how to cook rice! Amazing!
5. Besides worship leading and guitarist and being the 3rd/4th choice bassist (LOL), learn to serve as a keyboardist for the youth worship and main service by June.
6. Keep a diary of poetry and songs, minimum 20 of each by next year end.
7. Blog at least 5 times a month so people know how I'm doing.
8. Look for lobang to sing/perform in a public space or bar with some of the youths (Hey Matt how about B&J Cathay?)
9. Start training up another youth leader/s to take over teaching ministry by 2010.
10. Tell as many friends about Jesus as possible, and bring minimum 5 to Christ/church.
Anyone got better suggestions for me? Do post them on my tagboard, and let me know if you want to join me for any of them.
Jason!! IPPT before April let's start running Gold Standard!! Andrew you can come pace us if your fitness level is still there.
Nick, Andrew, Mum, you gotta teach me how to cook steam egg and mince pork, cold tofu, potato and green apple salad, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, chinese sausage rice, and yong tau foo! Healthy food only! (NO NICK! NO EXCESS OIL AND LARD IN MY FOOD!!)
David, let's see you pump chords and tunes as fast as I pump lyrics. All the heartache needs an outlet for good use. I've yet to hear the tune for the last song I gave you mid this year!
Andrew (sorry to bother you so many times), you need to teach me how to play keyboard for worship! No point I practical grade 8 theory grade 8 but only know how to read beansprouts and not know how to play the style the church wants.
Anyone can volunteer someone in the youth to do teaching with me! Start pointing fingers please!
Richard, Yaosheng! Time to bring Christ into the lives of our primary school classmates! Let's start with the guys first, then the ladies.
Matthew Yong! Just tell the B&J Cathay people we'll be ready by March. I'll do vocals and acoustic, David on the bass (and backup if he wants), you on the drums and Andrew on the keyboard. Any other people we'll see how. Let's start practicing ASAP!!
Alright! Let's see how many I can accomplish in 2009. GO GO GO!
Anyway New Year resolution time! Time to get my mind off the not-so-happy stuff. (I know some of you are going to laugh your balls off after reading this, but I don't care!!)
1. Achieve Gold Standard for IPPT which will happen latest March (only problem is 2.4km run; never ever accomplished in my life)
2. Get a six pack (kinda cheating given all the weight loss over the exam period. And no Nick, I don't mean a six pack can of your whoop-ass beer). I want to look like Calvin Klein model. So there. Hmmph.
3. Get my driving license by June.
4. Learn how to whip up my favorite home-cooked dishes. I finally learned how to cook rice! Amazing!
5. Besides worship leading and guitarist and being the 3rd/4th choice bassist (LOL), learn to serve as a keyboardist for the youth worship and main service by June.
6. Keep a diary of poetry and songs, minimum 20 of each by next year end.
7. Blog at least 5 times a month so people know how I'm doing.
8. Look for lobang to sing/perform in a public space or bar with some of the youths (Hey Matt how about B&J Cathay?)
9. Start training up another youth leader/s to take over teaching ministry by 2010.
10. Tell as many friends about Jesus as possible, and bring minimum 5 to Christ/church.
Anyone got better suggestions for me? Do post them on my tagboard, and let me know if you want to join me for any of them.
Jason!! IPPT before April let's start running Gold Standard!! Andrew you can come pace us if your fitness level is still there.
Nick, Andrew, Mum, you gotta teach me how to cook steam egg and mince pork, cold tofu, potato and green apple salad, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, chinese sausage rice, and yong tau foo! Healthy food only! (NO NICK! NO EXCESS OIL AND LARD IN MY FOOD!!)
David, let's see you pump chords and tunes as fast as I pump lyrics. All the heartache needs an outlet for good use. I've yet to hear the tune for the last song I gave you mid this year!
Andrew (sorry to bother you so many times), you need to teach me how to play keyboard for worship! No point I practical grade 8 theory grade 8 but only know how to read beansprouts and not know how to play the style the church wants.
Anyone can volunteer someone in the youth to do teaching with me! Start pointing fingers please!
Richard, Yaosheng! Time to bring Christ into the lives of our primary school classmates! Let's start with the guys first, then the ladies.
Matthew Yong! Just tell the B&J Cathay people we'll be ready by March. I'll do vocals and acoustic, David on the bass (and backup if he wants), you on the drums and Andrew on the keyboard. Any other people we'll see how. Let's start practicing ASAP!!
Alright! Let's see how many I can accomplish in 2009. GO GO GO!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Satisfaction and Wanting It All
In response to Koino and Fellow Prince, although written by a girl who more or less sums up the contradiction that goes on in a girl's head, is also the contradiction that goes on in any Christian's head.
Isidora expresses her incompatible wishes in an inner monologue:
Me: Why is being alone so terrible?
Me: Because if no man loves me, I have no identity...
Me: But you know that you'd hate to have a man who possessed you totally and used up your breathing space...
Me: I know - but I yearn for it desperately.
Me: But if you had it, you'd feel trapped.
Me: I know
Me: You want contradictory things.
Me: I know.
Me: You want freedom and you also want closeness
Me: I know.
-Erica Jong-
Courtesy of the pageant queen of my NUS freshman year. And who ever said beautiful people couldn't think.
We want contradictory things. And sometimes, moral values don't seem to fall on either grounds. Let God decide? Maybe these isn't even a decision in this. Maybe living with the contradiction is the essence of the Christian life itself.
Isidora expresses her incompatible wishes in an inner monologue:
Me: Why is being alone so terrible?
Me: Because if no man loves me, I have no identity...
Me: But you know that you'd hate to have a man who possessed you totally and used up your breathing space...
Me: I know - but I yearn for it desperately.
Me: But if you had it, you'd feel trapped.
Me: I know
Me: You want contradictory things.
Me: I know.
Me: You want freedom and you also want closeness
Me: I know.
-Erica Jong-
Courtesy of the pageant queen of my NUS freshman year. And who ever said beautiful people couldn't think.
We want contradictory things. And sometimes, moral values don't seem to fall on either grounds. Let God decide? Maybe these isn't even a decision in this. Maybe living with the contradiction is the essence of the Christian life itself.
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