Desire

One day some time in November:

One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Victor? He may not be as blameless and upright as Job, who fears God and shuns evil, and it hasn't been too long ago that he quit his addictions to pornography, computer games and clubbing. Nevertheless, he has a lot of desire and passion to accomplish great things in my name. Optimistic, idealistic, with a certain aura of child-like innocence and trust, he is fertile ground for planting big dreams of revival and repentance among the nations."
"Does Victor trust God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his academic results are good and his friends are aplenty. But stretch out your hand and strike one thing, just one thing that means everything to him, and well, I don't think he will curse you... but I can guarantee that his passion for life and his desire for the beauty that all mankind was made to search for will be thoroughly quenched. He'll probably just become like one of the Sunday Christians in the church, dutiful, but deep down inside, passionless and hopeless."
The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, you are allowed to choose one thing to change in his life, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.

That one thing You let Satan take away from me Lord, was equivalent to tearing half my soul away. I had loved her so much that she became part of me; I had become vulnerable so that I could love the way You created love to be; I had built dreams on the Christian ideals and principles that Your Word speaks of, so that You would be pleased, and bless the relationship. But no, You had my ego crushed, my self-esteem demolished, my talents made worthless and my hopes vanquished. You brought me to my knees, forced me to relinquished control on my life, broke my back, and now You ask me, "What is it that you want?"

Lord, I don't know what I want anymore. I used to. I used to want to personally see revival in Japan. I used to want to offer my talents in life-long ministry. I used to want to lead people who will become famous, powerful warriors in Your name. I used to want to write songs of praise, ballads of love, poetry of the wellspring of emotions when I'm with You. I used to want to fall so deeply in love with a beautiful woman who hungers after Your heart and prays alongside me. I used to want to storm the gates of Hell right behind Your Son, act as His vanguard, and taste the sweetness of a victory already won. Now, I don't know what I want anymore. Life seems like a chore, service like duty, righteousness like a web of legality. I'm tempted to just give up my dreams, desires and secret hopes. Maybe I should just stay at home and pray for Japan 20 seconds a week. Maybe I should just work as an ordinary government servant and be satisfied with my pension. Maybe I should just lead a small team of admin workers who just want to knock off 5 minutes before 6pm. Maybe I should give up music and singing, songwriting and romance. Maybe I should just marry the average girl-next-door who just wants someone to love her and provide for her, while she does whatever is required to sustain a family. Maybe I can just stay back as part of the reserved force during the final battle, praying that I'll never have to face those horrid demons.

Lord, give me strength so say, like Job did, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

My results have come out. I'm a little disappointed, though in actual fact I have nothing to be disappointed about.

SC3203: Race and Ethnicity A+
SC3208: Religion in Society and Culture A
SC3209: Data Analysis (Statistics) B
GEK2022: Samurai, Geisha and Yakuza as Self/Other A+
PH1101E: Reason and Persuasion (Philosophy) B-
Cap for Semester: 4.3/5.0
Overall Cap: 4.08/5.0

The disappointment comes because I expected to hit the Dean's List this semester. Another dream shattered. But I was undergoing depression during the exam period, and God still gave my such results! My ungratefulness only builds up contempt for myself deep within. My greater concern is for how she did. I hope she did alright. Nah, she's a smart girl, she'll have done fine, if not exceptionally brilliantly.

Oh God, I hate myself.