When I think I'm ready, nothing happens. When my world is crumbling and patching, hurting and healing, THEN God throws me into the battlefield. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll disappoint people. I'm afraid I'll get agitated, irritated, tired, lose motivation, get homesick, get physically sick, think too much, worry too much, love too little. My heart is somewhere else, constantly oscillating from "focused" to "hopeless".
But the battle will rage on. With a heavy heart, I will continue to pray, sing, and spread the gospel. God will strengthen my heart as I rejoice in Him, with or without tears. My team mates, I cannot disappoint. The people supporting the team and myself in prayer, I will not disappoint. His Majesty, I must not disappoint. I cannot, I will not, I must not. Bible tells us in Luke 9:62 that whoever looks back is not worthy to serve. But I'm afraid I won't be worthy. I can only hope I'm not a deadweight to the team.
JLPT exam in less than 10 hours. And I haven't practiced any Japanese for more than half a year. SO screwed. Let's hope I can pass this one. No more pseudo-ego.
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