Hello Japan!

I'm leaving for Japan soon. Reality is sinking in, and I'm not exactly the most excited member of the team.

JLPT was good, thank God! Passing shouldn't be difficult, I'm probably just expecting much higher to see if I can take on the next grade. Only the listening section had a bit of difficulty, but everything else was pretty much okay.

After the exam, I decided to drop by her house, but kinda expected she won't be home. She wasn't anyway. So I passed something to her dad, who was really nice and said she was doing fine, sleeping well with no visible problems. Hope she gets it soon. It's silly I know. But... Oh well.

Went to Gina's mother-in-law's house after that. Baby Eden was celebrating his first month, and my parents were invited, so I decided to drop by, albeit unexpectedly. Gina looked as radiant as ever, with little Eden in her arms. Constantly smiling, like the fantastic hostess that would make even a stranger feel welcomed, she was in a perfect picture of health. I'm glad she's happy. I knew she would make a wonderful mother, despite whatever some people in church thought and said. But we didn't talk much, just looked into one another's eyes from afar, and tearing off the gaze purposely. Shijie was there, sheepish, just constantly telling me to eat and if I wanted more drinks.

It was the first time Shijie's mum saw me too. I think she knew who I was. Every time I looked at her, she had a really apologetic look on her face. She kept asking Gina to let my mum carry Eden, and kept singing praises about how knowledgeable my mum was about handling babies. It made me feel really bad too. I mean, it was no fault of hers. And I'm sure she knows how blessed she is to have Gina as a daughter-in-law. I wanted to go over and ask if everything was okay, but she looked as if she would break down if I did. Maybe I would have myself. My parents soon realized that I was getting really quiet, and decided to leave early. Gina's grandparents would be arriving soon. It would spell disaster if I was still around. The last time her grandma saw me, she cried her heart out and ask me if I would take Gina back. On Gina's wedding day too. The thought of it just breaks my heart again. I couldn't help but leave the wedding dinner that day just to cry outside the restaurant.

I know all this memories are coming at a lousy time. The Devil just wants to hit me where I'm most vulnerable right now. My fear of rejection. My fear of loneliness. My fear of worthlessness. I'm beginning to get disappointed with God. Like I've any right to be. Like I think I know the bigger picture better than Him. Sigh. No self-pitying Victor. Stop it.

Was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers last night. The book writes that God will never tell us why He wants things to go in certain ways. But it adds that God will simply reveal His glory. And I really hope to get a glimpse of it. But for now, I have to remain quiet and wait upon Him. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I just can't help wondering what "all these things" could mean. I hope it doesn't mean troubles, heartaches, and long waits for some things that might never come.

Managed to collect nearly enough support to return my dad every penny that he had paid for me already. That's a huge relief for me. I've only a few supporters, but it's been another amazing journey for support raising. Jehovah Jireh indeed, He is. So much of it came on the last day!

For all those reading, please pray for me okay? I promise I'll do my best and not drag the entire team down in any way. I just have this knack of affecting other people when I'm down. Can't seem to conceal my emotions very well, they seem to be written all over my face and words.

David, thanks for coming up and asking if I'm okay. I was much better after talking to you. It's a character flaw that I have to fix, and so deeply rooted only God can change me. Michelle, thanks for that lovely letter of encouragement, it's wonderful to know that you're still trusting God despite being constantly attacked. I hope you're not affected by my current situation. Andrew, don't take it too hard, you know you can talk to me if you need to. Heartbroken people understand one another better. Caleb, Jennifer, David & Irene Tai, Thiam Kwee, Louis & Fae, thanks for providing me with financial support for this trip! And all the people praying for me, I won't let you all down! Matthew Lim, sorry I couldn't meet up with you, was busy sorting out my thoughts. Dinner together once I come back okay!

Oh and Nick!! I want sexy, white "branded" T-shirts from KL. No, not so tight that my nipples can be seen. And no suggestive words on them. I've quit my clubbing habit a long time ago. The temptation to go back there is horrendously great in my current situation, but no no. Thanks. Love you bro. *Mat handshake*

Goodbye Singapore. Hello Japan. Hello lonely people outside the train stations and 99 Yen stores. Jesus loves you. +)