RAH

Just outside Raffles Place MRT station two days ago, I was on my way home when someone passed me a free magazine. The issue was about marriage, so I decided to just skim through it on the way home. Free reading material anyway. Inside there was an article interviewing three pastors and how they viewed marriage. There was nothing outstandingly special, but one thing caught my eye. One of the pastors was asked to give tips for those on the look out for potential partners. And the tip he gave was this:

Observe how he/she handles children. It'll give you a good insight into how he/she is going to handle your children in the future.
Observe how his/her lifestyle i.e. grooming, eating habits. A spouse who can't handle his or her own life with care will not be able to handle yours either.
Observe how he/she treats the elderly. It will give a picture of how he/she will handle your parents in the future.

I took one look at this and the first thing that came to my mind was: Does eating seaweed count as eating vegetables? Goodness, such arrogance and perfectionism coupled with low self-esteem. Ironic. Sigh. Go figure. It's not that hard.


My driving instructor is a mad man. He must be thinking that I'm both a genius and a complete idiot at the same time. More of the latter.
First lesson, hardly any progress. Didn't even get to step on the accelerator. "I tell you ah, I think you cannot make it la. Other people fourth lesson on the road le. I think for you about sixth lesson then you can go onto the main road." Crestfallen.
Second lesson, he drives to the middle of a main road, gets out of the car, kicks me into the driver's seat. Then as my car engine stalled a good number of times, continues to complain about how I'm totally hopeless, and that he've seen much better. He thinks I've been fiddling with my dad's car and getting useless advice and assume that I know how to drive already. "You so good, you drive lor! People like you, drive your lao peh's car in the carpark all the time, need to come for lesson for what?" I really felt like telling him that I ain't the spoiled brat from the rich family he keeps assuming I come from, and that I don't have a car because my dad has a handicap and we don't need one at the moment.
Third lesson, engine didn't stall much. However, got sent into a ulu place to learn how to reverse. And I haven't even gotten the biting point of the clutch right yet. Which means hanging 3 seconds in front of every green light because I'm VERY slowly releasing the clutch. Stalling the engine would mean a torrent of non-stop cursing and insults for the next 10 minutes.
Fourth lesson, went back to the ulu place to learn how to do reverse parking. And he puts the poles so close to one another that the car would never even have been able to go through straight. Then he sits down for a cup of coffee at the passenger seat and continues to nag about how useless I am. Of course, I never made it between the poles.

I'm suppose to take a minimum of 20 lessons before I can sit for the practical test. And I'm already forced to learn how to do reverse parking at the 4th lesson! Someone please tell me that private lessons are NOT supposed to be so fast. And if it is really fast by normal standards, why is he insulting me non-stop?

I've been keeping VERY quiet, nodding my head and doing everything he says. Everything. I even smile whenever I can, say my "sorry"s, "please"s and "thank you"s, and pay him with exact change, not huge notes. Why? Because I started out knowing absolutely nothing about driving and wanting to do my best so as to get this over and done with. And he accuses me of being a spoilt, stupid brat with filthy rich parents (doctors, he say) with big cars and who'll buy me a Ferrari the moment I pass the test.

RAH.

It must be my face. Jamie says I have girly eyes. Huge, watery, innocent girly eyes. No wonder I only attract aunties and gay men. Totally lacking masculinity and an aura of assertion. I quote a passage from my sexuality module's readings.

"Thus, every heterosexual who is not claimed by the opposite sex as a hearthrob in their youth has doubts - and not only of being ignored and feeling invisible, but also because of sexual aspirations lofted his or her way by other people with insecure sexual identities."

Interesting. If this is true, that my sexual identity is constructed based on the people who are attracted towards me, I should be feeling really sucky now. This is when whatever remaining baseless ego keeps one man afloat in a world of ambiguity. "I'm a child of God" needs a bit more breaking down. I wonder what sexual identity can one be labelled with if he only attracts guys and older ladies.

RAH.