"You're Not Good Enough"

I have a fear of rejection.

The notion of not being good enough is my life's driving force. I don't exactly know how this fear came about.

Maybe being the eldest child instilled in me a competitive spirit for my parents' attention, since Andrew was always the ultra-cute, wide-eyed baby and Nick was the youngest one receiving most of the attention. I don't remember being lavished with attention when I was young, since I was with a nanny for the two years till Andrew was born, and only then did my mum quit her job. Even when I was growing up, I wasn't cute. I mean, I wore my first pair of spectacles at K1 (4 years old), and by that time it was already 500 degrees, which meant that my eyes looked really small behind those "coca-cola bottle" glasses. No one would look cute in that. However, I was comfortable being alone (as I still very much am) with my head buried in books or playing with the hand-me-down Lego sets or Transformers courtesy of my cousins. So maybe that's not the reason.

Maybe the reason is because the people around me always made me feel inadequate. My dad always punished the three of us boys in front of the other Sunday School kids to scare the daylights out of them, and I duly received the most beating because although my offenses were my offenses alone, but Andrew's and Nicholas' offenses were somehow mine too. My mum also always compared me to my neighbor on the 17th floor who was a really brilliant chap who made it to the Gifted stream in Primary 3 and subsequently everything academically good in his life. I don't remember being valued very much for my intellectual brilliance, because I usually attribute them to God's grace and providence anyway. The day I brought back 3 A-stars and 1 A for my PSLE made my mum happy for about an hour or so, before her mood for the entire December holiday was spoiled by my brothers' average academic grades and apparent laziness (both of them were late bloomers). More or less the same thing happened when I brought back 7 points for my O Levels.

Though I can't really pinpoint my fear of rejection, I know for sure that it scares the hell out of me. There is a cliche statement that dumpees always hear: "Don't be sad, see it this way. He/she wasn't good enough for you. You deserve better." Honestly, people who say that mean well, especially since dumpees usually feel quite shitty or inadequate, putting the blame on themselves for not being good enough and thus leading to the eventual collapse of the relationship.

The ironic thing is that although I comfort my friends with that statement, to various degrees of success, I believe absolutely nothing of it when it comes to my own failed relationships. A voice sits on my shoulders and constantly whispers into my ear, "You were not good enough. You are an absolute failure. She knew you were crap, that's why she couldn't see herself spending the rest of her life with you. That's why she left."

I am fully aware of the Biblical, correct answers to such condemnation. How would I be able to counsel youths if I did not?

But I let these thoughts fester. I experience a sadist enjoyment in cutting myself down to size, telling myself that I should be more humble. That there is always space for improvement. That change is the only constant. The only direction available is "UP", every other path goes downwards. That I have to attain perfection. That I CAN attain perfection, and that if I don't, I'm not working hard enough. That it's alright to hurt myself in the process as long as I don't hurt other people. That with enough pain comes gain. That there is no such thing as a core character or personality base, everything can and should be changed. Humility is not good enough, extreme humility like that of Moses should be my goal. Faithfulness is not good enough, extreme faith like that of Abraham should be my goal. Love is not good enough, extreme love like that of Jesus should be my goal.

That there is no one I cannot beat if I try hard enough. That true success means at the end of the day, I'm left face-to-face with just myself to beat, with the rest of the world trailing in the dust.

Be forewarned. As noble as it sounds, as Biblical as it may be, something is seriously wrong with this ideology, and I know it.




But I'm tunneling along like a bullet train at maximum speed. Every rejection in my life has served to up the notch on my speed gauge one bar up, and push my heart deeper into the corner. Technically, I should be proud of what I have accomplished, yet I despise myself. If so, then I love people out of duty, and not as the Bible commands, "To love my neighbor as myself". But my life is a contradiction based on Paul's notion of "beating the body" (1 Cor 9:27).




But how then, am I going to explain so many "You know, you're really nice to me and I know you'll make a fantastic husband to a very lucky woman, but... I'm just happier with him" statements?





I can only tell myself. Victor, you're not good enough.






You're just not good enough.







And I start picking up pace again.






Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. -Paul (1 Cor 9:25-27)

Often, I wrestle with the images of certain people I have never met before, people who must have been better than me to be able to steal the heart of the lady I once loved with all of mine. -Valentino Casanova