I love the last line.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.
Fantastic. Now I'm inclined to think that the word "Selah" probably means instrumental or free worship where the music plays on and people just bask in the presence of God.
I know everything is supposed to be over a long time ago. But my eyes still look out for you whenever I'm in school. Every time I see someone who looks like you from afar or from behind, my heart skips a beat, and time stands still just for a micro-second. How should I approach you? What should I say? How am I to react if you're going to walk away?
For the lack of a satisfactory answer, those questions are never left to rest.
But it is never you. Maybe I haven't really been looking out hard enough. Maybe God keeps you at a distance because He knows very well what could happen if we met. Or maybe He's just waiting for me to have a bad hair day before He allows an encounter to occur.
I think I know what's wrong with me. I make a pretty dysfunctional lover. Which girl wants to be charmed like a princess, seduced like a virgin, spoilt like a child and lavished like a gem, being entirely manipulated into a psychological state in which she can't help but want to give every strand of her being to her man, both physically and emotionally, only to be told by him at the very last minute, "God forbid. We shouldn't be doing this."
I think I'd get pretty pissed if I were the girl too.
How this absolutely contradictory personality formed up is a result of an extremely strange personal history. I'll leave the details for conversational fodder. On a blog dedicated to His glory, stories such as these take up way too much space in one post.
Some people have told me to give up my Casanova or seductive personality. But... I can't. It's ingrained in me, so much so that it has become part of me. Because it grew out of a desire to impress, I believed that if God gave me the strength to suppress or conquer my pride, it would go away. But given any opportunity with a woman, regardless of age, intelligence and beauty, I find myself hopelessly caught up in a matinee of micro-social interaction, be it a waltzing conversation or a tango of contact. Am I gender-biased? Unlikely. I'm even better at generating chemistry with men because no such taboos or fears exist (unless his sexuality is suspect, and I feel that I might be giving the wrong signals). I'm generally better at interacting with guys than girls because I hold back from any intimate relationship with ladies around my age or younger than me. Maybe that's why the aunties from the neighborhood and church love me.
But it makes for a lonelier world, somehow. Sometimes in those short fits of rage or temporary periods of inadequacy, I just want to let lose the beast within. Why bother constraining myself? Is my reputation that important? To whom does it matter if I become a heart-breaker?
Thankfully, there is one more safety lock on the cage that encloses around my monster. The fear of the Lord.
At this point, the emotions that hit me are as described by the psalmist. When God becomes a beast master instead of a pampering lover, then until sanity returns, darkness is my closest friend.
The only difference between insanity and pure genius is success. -Anonymous
Sometimes, it is better to reject success, and choose insanity. -Valentino Casanova
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