Envy and the Loss of Humanity

At times I hear the silence screaming
The mark of death knocking at my door
Save me, I call out. But who hears me?

Do not leave me here, I cry. But who listens?

You came down, picked me up
Cradled me in your arms
Loved me like a child, helpless and small
Who am I that one as beautiful as yourself
Would lift me from the depths
And exalt me above the angels?

That I would dance in your courts
Spinning, twisting, crossing
Dictated by the rhythm of a heart once dead
But revived through the depths of love

Undeserving. Unworthy.

Unashamed.

The psalm of my life right now has to be Psalms 73. My QT material has been a rather rude awakening to my attitude of worthless laments against the wicked who prosper.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. (Psalms 73:2-3)

Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I hold a certain abhorrence for the rich and arrogant. It could well be because some of the most traumatic experiences in my life have to do with them. Envy could have seeped in, though it is probably disguised by disgust and prejudice against them.

But why should I let my foot slip because of this envy? Because I don't trust God to carry out His promises? When I see evil slowly gaining the upper-hand, it's really difficult. Out of love, I don't pray curses against them. To me it's just wrong. But in my heart, what's really going on?

I'm confused. When some things that happen to me really hurt me, I don't feel a thing. I begin asking some of the weirdest questions. Why can't I get angry? I know I should be angry now. Any "normal" person would be. Is it not reasonable for me to feel bitterness? Why am I not feeling it?

Then I realize that in some sense, by cloaking myself with emotional invulnerability, I have lost my humanity.

I've become numb to the pain anyone tries to cause me, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Forgiving becomes easy, but worthless. Of course you can forgive anyone when it comes at zero emotional cost to you! No one can hurt me when nothing really matters to me, right?

But if I don't hurt, then where has the driving force of my life gone to?




I open the door of my heart, just to peek inside and see how she's doing. A bright light emits forth; she's been doing her duty of shinning the light of life to the world. But where is she? Under a tiny shadow at the corner, she huddles, knees to her chest, head buried.

How can it be, that when the warmth from the light is more than adequate, she is trembling in cold?



They that envy others are their inferiors. -German Proverb

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. -Psalm 25:16