The Un-Conditionality of Love

Despite having been brought up in a Christian family and a born-again Christian for more than 10 years, there is one huge barrier to my understanding of how love works.

I am unable to conceptualize "love" any further than the combination of two factors: duty and credit. As Christians, we have a duty to love others, and as such no one should be unlovable. Yet on the other end, is not love something that we strive to attain by perfection?

I once knew what it was like to love without reason. Or so I thought. But as the realities of life eventually broke through the curtains of romance, I tell myself: It must have been lust. Or sympathy. Or the human need of my ego. Or because we knew one another's dark secrets and vulnerabilities. There is no such thing as unconditional love! The beloved must possess some quality to be desired. If no such quality exist, then love only comes about as resultant of a choice to be duty-bound by the lover.

With such a formula in my mind, I cannot understand how God can love me unconditionally. But that's not difficult to reconcile, because God is God and His love is beyond my understanding, surpassing any standard that I can ever hope to achieve. But this gap in understanding only serves to weigh me down whenever I sin. Sin means I'm not up to God's standard, and as such, I can't reconcile the fact that He doesn't hate me for making mistakes, ESPECIALLY when they are repeated again and again.

For example, I believe one of my biggest weakness is my ego. When cornered, I am inclined to fight back, yet I am resolute in my stand not to return the insult. So what do I do? I lie. And God, is my creativity at full throttle when I lie! I conjecture lies so sophisticated yet without much though. Automatic.

Colleague: (loudly) Hey I heard that you're not staying on with the company. Why aren't you staying?
Me: Personal reasons. I don't like to talk about it. (Truth is, I don't mind talking about it, but I don't want to talk about it with you. I don't want you to know about my family's financial circumstances, my unhappiness at the way I was blatantly favored over my friends, and my loss of trust in the company to handle certain issues)
Colleague: Oh, so have you started applying for anywhere else?
Me: Not really. (Truth is, I've just sent out my resume and cover letters to 6 different companies already)
Colleague:  Oh, then you might want to try XXX statutory board, from what I heart they're very good.
Me: Oh okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the advice. (Truth is, I have absolutely zero interest in the ministry and no intention to even check them out)

Breakdown. I wasn't even really cornered to begin with, lies (some might argue that they are white lies but honestly, lies are lies are lies are lies) just keep coming out. And then, I'll feel like I'm just sliding back into failure mode. Confessions abound, resolutions to keep on the straight and narrow, convictions to change with His help. But I still don't understand this unconditional love. I dare not entertain the miserable thought that God only forgives us because it is His duty to do so. In that case... won't love be tied to perfection? Won't sin decrease the love in some proportionate ratio that God deems worthy to utilize?

As I observe my couple friends, think back about the relationships that I once had (and lost), I can't help thinking to myself: I'm single because I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not gentlemanly enough, not rich enough, not handsome enough, not fit enough, not intelligent enough, not confident enough. But then again, I'm well aware that this might not be the case. Nevertheless when I see a friend who's attached, I'll squeeze out some rationale to satisfy my querying spirit. Richard is good-looking and confident, Matthew has the gift of the gab and is really generous, David is steady and manly, etc. There are even some for the third-party guys in all of my past relationships.

And so it comes whenever I'm chasing after any lady, my perfectionist mindset and self-consciousness sets in, and I inevitably begin to act differently in her presence. And when I encounter failure of any kind, especially those along a moral spectrum, I can almost see my "score" being deducted at the speed of a taxi meter and before long I back out. It doesn't help that failure is only more evident with heightened awareness and a suddenly fragile ego.

Strangely enough, I have no desire for women who display top-notch, holy-holy behavior. The opposite is true: I'm drawn to the very "imperfections" I try so hard to avoid. Especially if I find out occasions where they have been lying to protect their image, has displayed vengeful hatred, have occasional bad tempers, possess glib tongues, etc. Not that I share any of these traits, but in many senses, they seem a little more normal and exciting.

It's ironic how I mark myself down when my mistakes and sins are exposed, but have a totally different scoring system to judge interest in ladies. It might just be God's providence that this mindset ensures my singlehood, in addition to my misfortune to be attracted to either women who are already attached or whom I know I shouldn't venture any further with. For the latter, I usually fail myself so badly that I have no choice but to withdraw from contention, if they don't already hate me or think me a weirdo or loser.

But all said and done, I still don't get the unconditional love part. And maybe that's why it's so hard for me to evangelize confidently when the only thing material I have is whatever I've been taught. How can love possibly be unconditional?




There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.-Solomon (Prov 30:18-9)

Blessed Christmas!

Blessed Christmas to one and all, and may the good Lord continue to grant you the desires of your heart even as you serve Him in all obedience and faithfulness. +)

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. -Paul (Galatians 4:4-5)

The Otter Inside

Often, I tell myself to MAN UP, but deep down inside, I'm a lot more like an otter.

So please don't reject me should I try to hold your hand.


The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. Alexandra Penne, Self

She's Got Me High And I Don't Even Know Yet

When you least expect it. Time to rip myself away from temptation and chance.


We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us. -Anonymous

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When God doesn't want it to work out, it just doesn't. I know He has another route for me, but as long as you're in sight, an invisible force draws me towards you in a manner I can't comprehend. Out of sight, out of mind, the saying goes. And the time when we might never see each other again is drawing near.

I feel that every time I try to take a step forward, I get pushed back. Every action is suddenly weighed on a moral scale, nothing I do is right. You've been so cold since the very first day, and so warm to everyone else. Perhaps I'm drawn towards your dual-face personality; perhaps the animal within me just relishes the challenge to go beneath that mask and see you for who you really are. I don't know, and for once, I don't want to think about it.

I don't know if you will ever find out my side of the story, but my bigger fear is that you won't even care if you knew.



It is indeed terrible to be blamed, cursed, screamed at, or even falsely accused. It is far worse however, to be completely ignored by someone you care for. -Valentino Casanova

Growing Old

Something within tells me I'm about to encounter one of the biggest crossroads of my life. I know not what, I know not when, only that it is soon, and it will come.

I've been trying to fight the voices around me, they no longer tell me that I cannot make it any longer, they've been trying to make me feel guilty. Am I to feel guilty for evil thoughts that seep through my head and into my conscience? Am I to feel like a sinner when my thoughts go haywire?

There are things I crave for, things that make me vulnerable. As the days go by, I'm no longer the actor, I've become the reaction. I'm beginning to shun small talk, even conversations with friends. It's terrible that nothing excites me any more. I don't look forward to the future, when I will grow up and grow old.

I walked my grandma back to her place after the toilet renovations were over. 5 years ago, the time taken to walk from my house to hers was only 5 minutes, now it's nearly 45 minutes. I feel her feeble hand grasp mine, occasionally letting go. Her body is filled with perspiration, even though she had taken a bath at my place. She can't speak anymore, but we all know she still likes sweet desserts, and have provided her maid with enough money to get her towhuey from the hawker center downstairs.

But as we were walking home, a fear gripped me. I don't want to grow old. If being old means being led by the hand, being fed, being bathed, being treated like a child...

Suddenly, the future doesn't look so bright any more.



But I do know one thing. If the future doesn't come, then I might never have the chance to see you and hold you in my arms.



Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. -David (Psalms 71:18)

The Jubilee Project

Can I listen to your song?

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. -Rumi

My God Provides

Met my dad for dinner today. Before we met, this was his SMS.

I'll be a wee bit late. While waiting, think of what you very much like to have for dinner. Fret not, I'm feeling rich! Love Dad :-)

That's my dad, always trying to clear my insecurities. One can't help but love him for trying so staunchly to do that.

When he arrived, he proudly showed me a $17,000 check for a project that he had been working all year long. All of a sudden, my huge worry regarding the fees for Andrew's Media and Communications Studies in the University of Queensland disappeared. The sum was enough to pay off 1 out of the 3 semesters that he will be doing in Australia, as well as provide a cushion in case any trouble was to happen.


God is truly wonderful! Despite being semi-retired and earning inconsistently, God still provides opportunities for him to work on small projects and bring home something for the family!


For today, I felt happy enough to suggest eating at Inagiku after that. Had one of the most delicious (and expensive) dinners in my life, and a long, memorable conversation on my future career direction(s).



Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. -Paul (1 Tim 6:17)

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The topic of "you" was brought up over a game of pool with an old friend. And although I haven't been writing much about you lately, you haven't been far from my thoughts.

Sometimes, as I observe the behaviors of young couples thoroughly soaked in an atmosphere of love, I think about the two of us and how I once used to be able to love so deeply in that manner. It goes without saying that I also haven't been loved in that manner for so long I've forgotten what the feeling is like to be loved so deeply by another, with a passion to possess wholly, shutting out the rest of the world despite their screams to be heard.

Over the last two weeks or so, a strange fear has gripped me in its occasional but nagging grasp. It's the fear that I will never be able to love so deeply again, or translated in a slightly different manner, the fear that I have lost the ability to love another with all my heart.

So many things have changed since the day you left those years ago. No longer am I worried of being double-faced, now I'm totally transparent. My colleagues can feel my angry or stressed-up vibes from afar, and when I'm not myself, the whole office realizes it before I even know it myself. I also find that when I'm trying to pursue the love of another, I begin to do silly things that reflect nothing of my character, only to be (understandably) shunned and blamed for stupid mistakes that occur along the way. No longer do I find a thrill in fooling with the feelings of ladies I have no interest in, I just turn them down before anything grows.

But when I'm not in love, when I have no one to impress, in the midst of my family members and close friends, I'm happy to be eccentric. I'm myself when I laugh very loudly, dance instead of walking, dish out good advice that no one really wants to hear, and grin from ear to ear. I'm myself when I dress unconventionally, make funny remarks out of nowhere, provide alternate perspectives few have ever considered and talk about sociology and God for a good half an hour straight without an indication of stopping anytime soon.

It's strange how I know I'm eccentric, because the general view is that you can't be eccentric if you know you're eccentric. Even writing that last line was a terrible tongue-twister that I won't bother explaining. But I'm happy to be alone, and I don't want to fall in love because honestly, I'm not myself when I'm in love, and secondly, I don't actually think anyone will fancy me when I'm myself. I think I'll make a fake boyfriend if I were seriously in love, and will make pretty uncaring boyfriend if I'm being my authentic self.

I've kinda lost my train of thought halfway writing this, but I think I'll leave it there because I know she's probably going to find this post somewhere down the road. As for you, I hope you're happy, and I want you to know that you're still in my prayers every night.

Write me a letter if you have the time. I love letters, and I believe that your free-spirited nature will produce some of the most extraordinary literature to me, even if they probably make no logical sense in every nature of the word.



Write to me.



What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters.  You can't reread a phone call.  -Liz Carpenter

Couple donate lottery win

Link: http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_599990.html

It's news like this that makes me very, very happy. It's news like this that allows me to believe that there is still hope for mankind.



Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. -God (Deuteronomy 5:10)

Heartbreak Warfare

If you say yes now, then no longer am I too early.




I am too late.




If you want more love, why don't you say so? God knows how much I'd love you if you let me, but I can't break free at all. -John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

A Note to... Myself?

I saw that a friend was depressed on Facebook, so I wrote him a little note to cheer him up. The note went like this:

If you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and your faith is shaking along the way... sing.

Sing like you've never sung before, dance like no one's watching, and when you pray, have a chocolate bar at the same time.

God doesn't mind... if your teeth are brown and that you talk while you eat. He only wants you to remember that His timing is the best timing.

"... and with less than 2 seconds on the buzzer, Michael tries a huge jumper... OH MY GOD IT WENT IN! GAME OVER UTAH! HE COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR MORE!! GAME 7 AND CHICAGO BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE!"

Don't worry when you're down. It can only get better from here. +)

 

Then after I pressed the "Comment" button, I stood back to reread what I had just written.

And to my amazement, I realized that I had written the note to myself.

By all this we are encouraged. -Paul (2 Corinthians 7:13)

Who Needs Instruments??

Perhaps the only reason why I would ever buy an iPhone.

Richard, David, if you're reading this, let's try this on the MRT! If we pull this off successfully, I'll buy you both dinner. Let's set this as our goal for before the year ends.




Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. -Steve Jobs

Rescuing 33 Chilean Miners

Photo courtesy of Reuters.

Thank you for praying for the Chilean miners! Our God is a God who hears, and with His hands He will rescue and protect the ones He loves.


He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. -David (Psalms 18:19)

To Deny Oneself

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34)

Deny myself. For someone like me, that is nearly impossible to do. I live on dreams, and thrive on ambition, and I feed on expectations. To give up everything to pursue after His heart means that I have to give up running after things that the world has socialized me into desiring. But does that mean that everything left to run after is boring, without reward, and passionless?

I may not be inclined to do evangelism, but there are many other things that I could possibly find exciting and still do it! The one that attracts me most is this:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27)

That's something meaningful! To look after the helpless and ensure that they are fed, clothed, and have a future. One reason why God directed me to do Sociology was because the subject allowed me to take a close look into the process of marginalization, to study the workings of society and to see the inherent obstacles faced by good Samaritans.

Also, I may not have money, but I have ideas and I can motivate. God has provided me with an opportunity to be educated with certain mindsets and perspectives that I can contribute.

Question is, are we willing to die for something good, pure and true but brings no benefit to us at all?


It is by answering this question that those of us with a conscience, I believe, will come to realize that living for oneself is living for nothing at all. The revelation in the Bible will then demonstrate as clear as day, that somewhere deep within, we were hard-wired to live for something greater than our imaginations can ever conjure and our minds can ever comprehend.






If there is nothing in this world other than yourself that you would die for, than maybe you haven't truly lived. -Valentino Casanova

A Turn-Around and a Thanksgiving Post

For the people who have been praying for me, this post is a thanksgiving to God and to you all. My prayer life is back on track, and I've been comforted by His words to me. I was also thoroughly refreshed from the worship practice and flag day today, and though I'm really tired now, I believe God deserves recognition without delay!

It has been His grace that has allowed me to persevere with reading the Bible daily, and on Wednesday, I found some of my long-awaited questions answered. With regards to my question on my next career step, the verse from Joshua 1:9 was how the Lord chose to reply.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

The Lord has left the ball in my court, with the promise that He would stand by me in every decision I make. I knew it was Him, for a huge weight of anxiety was suddenly lifted from me, and an amazing joy swept through me with the freedom that accompanied it. However, it is still my responsibility to make Him obvious to my colleagues, wherever I choose to go in the end, and to ensure that His name is glorified through my words and deeds.


It was also by His providence that two friends decided to do something which had the effect of touching me deep within. One of them wrote a long letter, as he always does when he finds something amiss with my spiritual walk from my blog post; another sent a song which touched her heart to all her church friends in which I was included. The correspondence with the former shook me up a little, while the song and openness with her vulnerability of the latter inspired me to lead the song for youth worship tomorrow.


I find myself now looking forward to every word that comes from Him, and in His time, my questions will be answered.



The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. -David (Psalms 119:130)

The Social Science Theoretical Dilemma and the Christian Truth

The schools of thought in social science can roughly divided into those who believe that the individual's consciously perceived action has a direct impact on society, and those who believe that an individual has only little or an indirect impact on society. For easy understanding, one is forgiven to understand the former as micro-sociologists and the latter as functionalists. Twenty-first century thinkers however, like Bourdieu and Foucault, try to straddle somewhere in between with complex theories that make it impossible to classify them into either school of thought, so are left pretty much in the middle.

However, the dichotomy of institution versus individual was never really overcome. Even as some of us have noble aspirations to change the world, we are divided along that premise. Are we to work our way up through the government ministries and eventually make our way to global institutions such as the United Nations, World Bank or other high-level organizations so as to provide our solutions to make the dream of a Kyoto Protocol or a Copenhagen come true?

Some of us might disagree, and argue that the real work is at the grass root level, found in civil society, to empathize with those on the ground. To live with the poor is where we can eventually find the solution to world poverty and hunger.

Both are not wrong, but neither are both truly effective. Theoretically, given our limited wisdom and communication abilities, we have reached a deadlock. Or have we?


This blog post proposes another perspective that works on a similar dichotomy, but out of the stifling box of political science and sociology. Above the global and national institutions with their own petty interests and conflicting goals is one institution with a history longer than any man has ever created. Christians call this institution the "Kingdom of God". Below civil society, grassroot movements and the individual lies a subject of a unit commonly misunderstood to be smaller than the individual. Christians call this unit the "soul".

In social science, we cannot call an individual an institution, though late thinkers like Foucault will argue that it is thoroughly possible to institutionalize the individual. But one forgets that Foucault also argues that the individual must rebel against the external institution so as to gain his freedom from the institutionalization that has taken place within. All pretty understandable, but not quite so believable, and becomes extremely confusing when extended from there onwards.

The new proposal instead is based on one "strange" logic.

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you." (Luke 17: 20-21)

The Kingdom of Heaven was built to contain souls, but a soul can also yet contain the Kingdom of Heaven.


With this logic in place, we overcome the "size" problem of earlier thinkers i.e. institution is always bigger than the individual, as well as the confusing logic of later thinkers i.e. the impossible-to-measure "degree of institutionalization".


Answering the question of how we can change the world suddenly becomes extremely simple.


It begins simultaneously deep within, and at the same time, in the heavens above.


We Christians call that process "prayer". And boy, have we changed the world too many times to count!




What truth, when our Lord said, "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God"! After all, isn't it in poverty that we pray more and trust more with fewer distractions and worldly expectations in our heart? -Valentino Casanova

Lips of an Angel

Was playing Rock Band with my church friends at Playnation this afternoon, and this was one of the songs we "performed". To me, it's one of those songs that I always hear on the radio and totally fall in love with but always forget to note down the title and band. Made a resolution to add it to my repertoire.


 And as I'm going through the lyrics, it crossed my mind that this may be one of the reasons why God decided to keep me single for so long.


Because secretly, I'm still hoping that you would call me one day. And like the lyrics of this song goes, your angel lips might just still contain the power to make me unfaithful.





The pursuit of happiness is sadly, very much different from the happiness of pursuit. -Valentino Casanova

A Boring Day At Work

Don't mind if you see widgets all over this blog, or be surprised if you suddenly can comment on my posts. I've been fooling around with the html templates; something which when I find myself doing, I know I'm way too free at work.


Today was an exceptionally quiet day in the office, with most of the managers out for client meetings and almost all of them going home straight. With hardly anything to do in the office, my boredom overcame me and I began to read Stuff magazine (the girl on the front cover was WAY too photoshopped), surfing for PR news and updating myself with the latest in world politics. The intern corner was a little quiet with one of us sick and the others pretty carried away with their work, whereas I was desperately finding ways to kill time.

Then it hit me. I hate the way I am now. It's strange because when there's a ton of work to be done, I can bury myself and avoid the spiritual emptiness and physical void, and work seems fantastic BECAUSE it's better than having to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. It takes my mind off real issues, and gives me a temporary albeit false meaning of satisfaction meeting small deadlines and racing against my abilities all the time. Reflecting back, most of the work given to me has been stimulating my memory, testing my determination and challenging my speed, but I can almost feel the monotony and dementia tearing my mind apart! Some parts of my mind which used to be so active in university are now couch potatoes watching the rest of my brain work. I can't even mentally multiply 62 with 33 in my head any more, a little Biblical empiral problem with calculations I was toying with (Daniel 10 and 11) on the way to work.

It took my very first no-work day in 3 months to realize this. How pathetic! Having been so absorbed at work and too proud to ask my parents for a cent, I suddenly get a glimpse into how it is to have no life outside of one's career. I can't afford to buy a book from the bookstore, and going to the library after office hours is too tiring (I'm too polite to do leisure reading during office hours anyway). I don't even dare to ask a girl I fancy out for dinner or a movie because I'm too broke to pay for the bill for both of us. Neither is basketball after work something to look forward to because I'm so overcome by lethargy so much so even the 2 gym sessions per week are a pain in the ass. Playing Starcraft II helps to while away the evenings when there are no emails to answer, but even as I lie down in bed for the night, I can't help but think that I've wasted those particular evenings on things that didn't matter.

Noticeably, for the first time, my dad didn't finch when I asked him for superglue to stick the sole of my shoes in place with the rest of the body. Think he's slowly getting used to me refusing financial assistance from him. I'm a working guy already for God's sake, even if all I get is an intern's pay. I'm still waiting for payday to arrive (next week seems like years) so I can get a proper pair of shoes to go to work with; hopefully my current ones last till then.

The nagging thought that going for this internship was an act of disobedience to God itself suddenly becomes very appealing, but I'm doing my best to shelve this aside in the hope that something good will come out of it. Self-pity is not going to solve anything. But even now as I ponder the next step as my internship crosses the halfway mark, my prayer life isn't anywhere close to my best. God hasn't been saying anything specific, and I'm not getting any inspiration from my personal Bible study. It almost feels like He isn't there, except to chide me to stop just when I feel like giving in to temptations online.

Time for bed. And no, I don't feel like praying. I've been praying for the same things almost every night for more than a year, and to be fair, I haven't seen any of them come true. And most of them aren't even for myself.


Giving up is certainly a viable option, if only temporarily.



Oh for the constraining love of Jesus to keep us active and useful! - Charles Spurgeon

My Internship Reflections (3 months)

I'm finding it too coincidental to be true, but just when I'm going through a period of uncertainty about my future, especially career-wise, my QT material Everyday with Jesus is on the theme of seeking God's direction and having faith in His ways.

As my internship inches towards the halfway mark, I thank God for showing me so much about myself.


1. I don't aspire for obscene salaries, just decent payouts relative to what the company believes I can contribute. I'm pretty much satisfied with never earning above $10K a month for the rest of my life. But then again, I become increasingly restless whenever I feel that I am not being pushed to my fullest potential, and get irritated when others are constantly reminding me of the "learning points" of the menial aspects, even if they are right.

2. Despite my dad's mild disappointment that none of his sons are following his footsteps towards being an engineer, he will be comforted to know that at least one of them is strongly inclined towards the nature of his work i.e. consulting. My preferred scope of work is largely advisory, and I need to work towards not jumping so quickly into a defensive mode upon criticism, especially when the critic doesn't have a better solution him/herself.

3. I am not inclined towards using the phone for communication, I prefer face-to-face interactions with clients, and don't mind traveling to do so (I do harbor a dream to travel around the world on mad schedules for working assignments before I get attached or married). I also realize a strong tendency to sound extremely cordial, polite and instructional over emails. The moment I step into office, I tend to morph into a character markedly different from how my friends have perceived me to be, and I don't see it as necessarily a bad thing.

4. I value efficiency and quality above all else, and harbor a pet peeve against people who take twice the time I would take to do double the work. I thrive working in teams with clear, dedicated role for each person. The resultant is a terrible impatience for slow results and long, ineffective meetings that I justify based on the fact that we are paid to have better things to do with our time.

5. My strengths lie in research and analysis. I have a knack for creating hypothesis, theories, models and frameworks for understanding every and any problem, and I work best with a marker and a whiteboard. However, the downside is that of any theorist: a tunneling vision and almost total neglect for other competing attributes that I don't deem as important.

6. Sociology has taught me how to observe the positives and negatives of every situation. Thus, I tend to be pessimistic in a happy environment and optimistic during a crisis. Leadership studies show that if contagious, such traits tend to produce devil's advocates in the former situations, and charismatic leaders in the latter situations.

7. My unconsciously competitive nature around guys makes me a boon for the company and a bane for relationships. I thus thrive in a female-dominated environment running on testosterone compared to a male-dominated environment where everyone views me as a threat, or is led to do so. Embarrassingly, this also means that I work better in an office full of beautiful women than super friendly men.

8. Excellent presentation skills, British/American accents and the ability to suck up to the boss does not impress me, instead, it serves to increases my doubts about whether the boss can see through such a facade him/herself. Clear-mindedness, superb work dissemination and a knack for balancing client and corporate expectations are the truly admirable traits in my opinion.

9. Trust from clients, high-level superiors and subordinates under my charge (in that order) translate into a strong driving factor for me. Clients and superiors who value my opinion and in turn will tell me how I can improve in private make me feel like my effort has paid of. Superiors who give work late or with impossible deadlines (especially if it is a matter of lack of competence on their part) or openly reprimand me in front of my colleagues for a quality of work that they themselves cannot reproduce, will find it hard to motivate me to prioritize their work in the future. (Not that something like that has happened before)

10. Now that I'm single, I grow easily attached to my work, and possess the bad habit of checking and replying emails even when I'm at home or on holiday. I prefer long, non-stop working hours to university lectures and classes with time-wasting 2/4/6hr breaks in-between. My mum was right to worry about me being a workaholic, and is constantly trying to coax me home with home-cooked food.



This ends my reflection after nearly 3 months of internship work.


I wonder if these will change towards the end of 6 months, and if so, how.





So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him? -Solomon (Ecclesiastes 3:22)

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It matters little, often, who crushes you. Neither how it was done. What matters is that your pride, or as the perpetrators label it, your ego, is crumpled, torn and shredded beyond recognition, like the paper kite it really is. Truly, sorrow is a sticky companion never to be satisfied, even if it buries the fragments of one's heart beneath the ocean floor. Little pity do we have for the moans of the weak, as the world scrambles heavenward in a desperate attempt to escape the rising waters of despondency.

I do not envy the madding crowd; I am invisible to them. Nor do I long for songs to transport me to a plane away from this forsaken prison; after all, zombies do not perceive themselves to be trapped in a transcendent world of madness impossible to differentiate legend from lies. The blurry shadows circle intermittently, imitating a ritual of movements, no, dancing compulsions with no final destination.

Oh if you could only see through my eyes and my mind, the perversion that has taken place, eating into the imagination quicker than the fires of lust. The flags of justice lie trampled in the sands of time, their poles impaled into the guts of the very men who once waved them as insignias of strength. Mercy has become, under dire circumstances, forced to prostitute herself to faceless adversaries with no other intention than to hear her sob so that she might one day forget her own name.

Lepers in suits straddle the rubber handles of escalators, shedding their flesh as they ascend and descend into the fire. Slippers are traded for high-heels starting from a dollar, but a twelve percent discount if you have painted fingernails. Make-up is FOC for life as long as you promise to be a test subject for botox. The fair sells office equipment and treadmills of various dimensions and scent, baby milk powder is sprinkled from the sky and the fountain spurts forth salty lime juice that reminds one of warm beer.

Across a classroom, a poster writes, "Ability is a matter of opportunity, success is a matter of upbringing". The brightest wooden matches cuddle to form a mini-bonfire atop an overturned, plasticine bowl concealing florescent bulbs and LEDs. Under the heat, plasticine melts and the dripping oil seeps into the cracks. Sparks fly, a temporary short-circuit, and the experiment ends with the student reprimanded for neglect.

It wasn't neglect, he argues. We all make mistakes. But some of us have shorter life-spans. Some were destined for yellow-flamed glory. The others will suffer the consequences. In the meantime, you might be snuffed out by the very pedestal that you never had the chance to stand on.



To face blatant nepotism after being sold the idea of meritocracy?


Maybe that's why they call us the "Lost Generation".





One day, our ideals of democracy and equality will be spat upon and mocked by our grandchildren, the very same way we mock monarchism and patriarchy today.





Even the best things are not equal to their fame. -Henry David Thoreau

Half of My Heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Our faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you
But I can't stop loving you with half of my...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything

It's better that you never loved at all, if you can only love with half of your heart. -Valentino Casanova

Norwegian Wood

My favorite book throughout my university life has finally been turned into a movie! Best thing is, it's in the Japanese language with Japanese actors!

There's something about stories with lots of explosive sexual release, where the female leads are impossibly gorgeous but mysteriously impossible to read, and where each dialogue is loaded with connotations and double-meanings which draws me to no end. Can't wait. I only hope that by the time December arrives, I would have someone like that to watch this movie with.




Even if for my own good, I know I shouldn't.





I have a lot more patience for others than I have for myself, and I'm much better at bringing out the best in others than in myself. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm the scratchy stuff on the side of the matchbox. But that's fine with me. I don't mind at all. Better to be a first-class matchbox than a second-class match. -Reiko Ishida, Norwegian Wood

If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit. -Nagasawa, Norwegian Wood

What Jesus? No Miracles? (Mark 6:5-6)

Most of us who have been through Sunday school have grown up with the impression that Jesus can do anything. Technically speaking, that's correct, for after all, He is God. But Mark recorded a particular section of the Bible that may seem like a surprise to many of us. There were times when Jesus was unable to do miracles, EVEN WHEN HE WANTED TO!

When miracles of healing do not occur, someone has to take the blame. The guilty sufferer would suppose that God had allowed that sickness to occur because of some sin in his life. The disillusioned pastor would assume that he needed to correct certain issues in the church or in his personal life before God would use him as an instrument of healing. If both think a little longer, they might come to the conclusion that maybe it's God's will that the sufferer is subjected to this agony and stigmatization, and before long resignation hides behind the facade of submission of both parties. Prayers offered might sound a little like this, "Jesus, if only You were here to take away this pain and disease!"

Matter of the fact is this, not everyone who came to Jesus was healed. Nowhere in any of the four gospels was it written: And Jesus healed everyone who came to him. He may have healed many, healed chronic disease and raised people from the dead, but did it work every time? Nope.

Let's take a look at Mark 6:5-6.

He could not do any miracles there (Nazareth), except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Strong words. He COULD NOT do any miracles there. It was not because He did not want to, nor was it because He didn't take the opportunity. How would we explain this?

Theologians would take verse 6 as the explanation, i.e. their lack of faith meant that He could not do miracles. Uh huh. But what does it mean by a lack of faith? Is faith simply belief + obedience/action?

Nazareth was Jesus' hometown. He was not just the carpenter's son, he WAS the carpenter. A lowly occupation, plus He wasn't charismatic, good-looking or rich. The people of Nazareth had seen Him grow up, go to the synagogue, go to collect water from the well and deliver goods to customers. Suddenly, He was a celebrity with super-powers and brilliant scriptural insight.

Healing was impossible in the town because of this: Familiarity, which led to them assuming they knew who Jesus was. Put yourself in His neighbors' shoes. The quiet boy sitting with his mother every Sunday at the 4th row of your church's pews has suddenly become a celebrity. Everyone wants to know Him, to be with Him, and what's the first thing that goes through your mind?

"What the heck, if only they REALLY knew who he was. He's nothing special. I've seen Him grown up. I KNOW what He's really like."

There you got it. The reason why miracles did not happen. Jesus was not successful with every miracle, and that's a fact. Was He the problem? I don't think so. Was God purposefully holding back His love and healing power? If we believe that Jesus is God, then that's an impossibility. So what stops healing from coming?

Mark teaches us in the excerpt that even when Jesus was on Earth, He wasn't 100% successful. There is also the lesson of over-familiarity, when we think we know it all, how Jesus is like, how God is like. It is my strong belief that we will never really know how God is like. The Bible contains everything we need to know, but the best is still reserved for the end, during His return. In the meantime, we should be careful not to make statements that overemphasize the power of Jesus Christ. His power is truly ultimate and unmatchable BECAUSE it incorporates our will, and the world gives it the a name for this relationship that we all think we know only too well:





Love.





Love: The one thing that we might have thought we known before, and suddenly, are convinced that we know nothing about. -Valentino Casanova

And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith. -Matthew 13:58

The Importance of Friends (Mark 2:1-5)

Richard just posted on his Facebook status "friends... u really can't do without them."

I can't help but agree. And the very next day, I was reading through the Gospel of Mark for the second time, and I found something very interesting in Mark 2:1-5.

Jesus Heals a Paralytic

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Those of us from Sunday School, we know the story pretty well. But look carefully at verse 5. "When Jesus saw THEIR faith, he said to THE PARALYTIC..."

Notice something strange here. Apparently, the faith of the paralytic's friends led to the paralytic's sins being forgiven! Contemporary Christianity has all too often emphasized the importance of confession and repentance for the forgiveness of sins, but enclosed it in a box called "personal faith". For God to forgive one's sins, he or she has to personally want this forgiveness and claim it in the name of Jesus Christ.

Then is this story not unusual? Mark apparently did not see the need to emphasize the desire of the paralytic to be forgiven of his sins. This story could most certainly continue to be true even if the paralytic was a terribly cynical or skeptical person. After all, Mark saw it fit to attribute the forgiving of one's sins TO THE FAITH OF HIS FRIENDS.


Now, I am not here to discard the mainstream teachings of personal repentance and salvation. That teaching is very much Biblical, with sturdy foundations in the Word. Neither am I here to say that salvation is attainable without having faith in Jesus Christ. What I want to emphasize here is this: if you have a friend or family member who has not yet come to know Christ, continue to have faith! One friend was not enough for the paralytic, neither was two, nor three. It took four friends to convince him to come to know Jesus, and imagine their joy when Jesus forgave his sins and healed him of his paralysis! Even at his most skeptical, the paralytic would have at least paid a visit to the Son of God simply because of the faith of his four friends.

So for those of you out there with loved ones, keep holding on to that flickering flame of faith. Don't ever stop talking about Jesus and His power to save! Bring your loved ones into the company of people who share this faith in God to do miracles, and one day, your faith and the faith of your friends may see through to his salvation and the very healing of the timeless wound embedded deep within each human soul.


When Jesus saw their faith, he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven." -Luke 5:20

Words are easy, like the wind; faithful friends are hard to find. -William Shakespeare