Salsa!

This whole week has been filled with so much wacky stuff! Because of it, the days seem longer, more enjoyable, more tiring, but overall it has been one wonderful experience after another.

I just finished my 3rd salsa class, and if there is something I have to agree with Professor Tong, it is that I learn more about men, women and gender differences from this dance than an entire module of gender studies. It's an amazing dance! It's also nice to see that I'm not as psycho-motor as I thought I was, haha! Although it's sad that most of the ladies in the class are either 30+ years old or undergraduates from overseas colleges in Singapore just back for the holidays, it has been pretty interesting to analyze each and every lady's personality simply by dancing alone.

Most of the 30+ year old ladies are single, and for good reason! They are always correcting me on my moves and taking the initiative to spin or cross without me giving any signal whatsoever. No wonder they are still single! Most men would like to have some control over the relationship, but when the woman usurps control when God ordained the male to be in-charge, things get messy. I might sound heavily patriarchal, and I thought so myself, until I went to Union Square for a peek at the pros shake their booty.

At Union Square, where some of the best dancers sway away almost nightly, I notice that the women who give themselves to the complete control of men looked the most beautiful. Salsa isn't a dance where the man controls the woman like a robot. On the contrary, if the man is a good lead, the woman has plenty of comfort and space to shine and shimmer! However, if she decides to take matters into her own hands, even if the guy was the best male lead in the world, he won't be able to help both of them to shine.

Interesting huh? It's the closest example that I have to a real male-female relationship so far, and it works almost perfectly. Chemistry, sizzling eye-contact, body contact and pressure, all mix into a concoction that can only be described as devastatingly shattering social boundaries, yet in complete unison and accordance to the ideal partnership.


Salsa. Beautiful.





Anyway, I just broke the 70kg barrier on Tuesday night, recording a 69.9kg after a night run. Enough is enough, I need to bulk up now. And that isn't much of a problem. In just two days, I've shifted my weight back to 72.4kg, which leaves me at the ideal BMI of 23. Now to get rid of the scrawny figure and muscle up while maintaining the current fat levels.




Tomorrow will be an exciting day. Sentosa with Nick to suntan, gym in the afternoon to work on the chest and shoulders, dinner with the Shalala people. Ice wine anyone? +)






It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. -Bette Midler

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. -God (Jer 31:13)

Public Enemies

Was a great movie. Amazing. Totally brought out the romantic in me.

Tried searching for some of the most memorable quotes in the movie, but couldn't find it. I loved the part when John (the notorious bank robber) brought Billie (the hot American-Indian babe he picked up at a club) to an expensive restaurant. Inside, she looks really uneasy, and John asks if she is okay.

Billie: Can't you see that everyone's staring at me?
John: Why not? You're the most beautiful person in the room by far.
Billie: It's not that. Everyone here can tell when a woman walks in wearing a three-dollar dress.
(John looks around nonchalantly, camera picks up women looking at Billie)
John: Well, the people who come here look at where you come from. I, however, look at where you're going.
(John stands up, grabs Billie's hand, and saunters out of the restaurant)
John: Let's go some place where they'll appreciate our money.

Damn cool la. In one minute, John insults the entire elite class of Chicago. And boy, she didn't disappoint him. When he tells her that he'll be there for her, she believes him with every fiber of her being, even when in jail.

Can't blame her too. Who can resist the charms of a super confident gentleman with such an exciting, thrilling and rewarding job? And he bought her a mink coat to dress her up to the level way above the women who looked down on her at the restaurant.


When the whole world is hurt by empty promises, I wonder if I'll ever find a woman who'll take my word for it when I say that I'll be there. When the whole world wants to go to heaven, I wonder if any girl will find a man who says he rather set up a shop five feet from hell to rob the pit of its inhabitants and send them to heaven "exciting". When the whole world admires a man who'll buy expensive mink coats for his woman, I wonder if any girl will appreciate having the only jacket on my back around her shoulders. For now.
















I'm a bank robber. I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars... and you. What else you need to know? -John Dillinger

I'm a hell robber. I like basketball, movies, good clothes, fast trains... and you. What else you need to know? -Valentino Casanova

Of Articulations, Blading, Cable-Skiing & DotA

Today was an awesome day! Woke up early to meet buddy Richard at his place to learn how to roller blade. The weather looked deceivingly gorgeous for a day out along the beach. Sadly, the morning rain ensured that I could only get most of my experience in the carpark under his condo. But I must say, I did manage to learn how to blade straight, though not for more than 10 seconds. =P After we got bored, we adjourned for DotA games with Terry, and of course, lunch upstairs.

When the rain stopped, we went cable skiing. Another awesome activity! Only we were too ambitious, attempting to use the wakeboard immediately without going through the kneeboard and double skis. Initially, there were quite a few people queuing, and we had to wait quite long. Then the rain came again. I stared at the sky, wondering if God was telling me that I should be helping out Crusade with matriculation instead of fooling around at ECP. Thankfully, the rain stopped and by that time, most of the people had left, so we had the time of our life taking multiple turns with no queue! Good value for money if you asked me. Sadly, I couldn't go much further than the turn just before the long stretch. At least Richard made it for a good 50m before falling into the water.

After the sun had gone down, we had the famous wanton noodles topped with BBQ chicken wings at the ECP food center. Delicious! Plus we got to have an intimate conversation with quite a good number of pretty girls to look at. Not much can be divulged here, besides thoughts on John Bevere's video, God, honor's rewards and relationships. It was a great bonding session. Definitely going to find some time to borrow Richard's blades and get the basics right once and for all.



It's amazing how God helps maintain friendships, and how brothers can strengthen one another with testimonies and straightforward, honest conversations. Well, more wacky activities completed! +)





Friendships that have stood the test of time and chance are surely best. Brows may wrinkle, hair grow grey, friendship never knows decay. -Anonymous

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel. -Solomon (Prov 27:9)

Anger vs. Abs, Vanity vs. Vegetables

Many people have asked me before, "Is anger towards God wrong?"

To be honest, my answers have changed as I grow up. When I was younger and my walk with God was immature and inexperienced, God was always a fearsome figure. Any contemplation about anger towards God was immediately perceived as an act too daring, as if I were to go up to my own dad and shout vulgarities at him.

As I grew older, God placed various obstacles and events in my way so as to get to know Him better, I realized that anger against God was only alright, it was necessary as part of a relationship. The idea of a relationship between Jesus and the Church is symbolized by the relationship of husband and wife, and anger in relationship is unavoidable. However, it is necessary risk to bond the couple closer in a deeper understanding of one another.

Today, I learned something else. Whether anger against God is right or wrong, must be analyzed depending on situation.

I pride myself on not being able to get angry. Growing up with two extremely lovable but often horrible siblings definitely comes with more than ample amounts of opportunities to exercise tolerance. It's not that anger doesn't come, it just doesn't show, and that's what I take pride in. After awhile, it tends to subside, often happening when I've convinced myself that nothing can be done about it, or found a way to work around it instead.

However, anger can come in the weirdest manners. During main service worship practice today, the sound system kept tripping like crazy, cutting off the sound from the monitors that I needed to hear. Annabelle's voice was oscillating between loud and soft, and regardless of how I strummed, her voice just didn't sound as... as beautiful as I had always known it to be.

As irritation grew among the music team, Thiam Kwee called for a short sharing session instead, just so that we can get a rein on our emotions and put an end to the constantly degrading music quality. I was more of less fine, till that happened. It didn't help that it was also during then that my three-day long toothache decided to go full-blown. My facial muscles didn't give away much, I was still smiling and agreeable with everyone. But my mind was going berserk inside. Anger was overwhelming. Someone in the band was probably leading a less-than-righteous life, so much so that God was allowing this error to happen.

The most outragrous reasons were running amok in my head: Maybe it was Ilango because of our lack of faith in God to provide a woman for us who was not money-minded. Maybe it was Serene or Faith because they never seem to sing loud enough. Maybe it was Nick because he always behaves like a disrespectful slob, slouching on the chair while playing the bass. Maybe it was Thiam Kwee because for such a big problem to occur, the worship team coordinator must be screwing up his life. Or maybe it was Kok Poh, because he's always so busy with work. Or maybe it was Karen because since she was from another church, so she has no incentive to really perform with all her heart.

When the sharing session was over, that was when God nudged me.

"When the music gets bad, why do you let anger stop you from worshipping Me?"

So there was a lesson to be learnt from this horrible technical fault. And it was for me. I don't know about anyone else, but God was looking at my heart. I realized I have adopted the only trait that I detested about my mentor Jeremiah. Letting musical faults irritate me so that I cannot worship. Anger had blinded me to the spiritual aspects of the worship. Pride in my guitar playing has led me to focus on the unimportant details.

Ironically, in my happiness over the end of my internship, I had forgot to pray the items on the agenda for revival for the church. As I reached home, I looked back at the Friday item. Guess what I saw.



A prayer request against letting anger take root in our hearts.





On a brighter note, my weight has hit the extreme lowest point for the past 12 years. The last time I was 70.1 kg was in Secondary 1. This puts my BMI at 22.4, which means for the first time ever in my life, I am more underweight than overweight, if I use the government's yardstick of 23 as the optimal weight. It could be possible that I might break the 70kg barrier if I keep up my cutting phase, and just for the fun of it, I think I'll give it a go. For now, I'm very happy that God has allowed me to hit my target of getting my six/eight pack at the end of my internship! It would have been perfect timing (at least I think so) if the beach holiday to Phuket had gone ahead. Sigh. Oh well.

The strange thing now is that I can go for a huge buffet and lose weight the next day. Yet, I can eat salad for a meal and gain an entire kilo. Oh yes, I'm learning to eat vegetables too! I thought I'd start on it next year, but sometimes God puts these little surprises when you least expect them. Even more shocking is that this change in eating regime began with the vegetable dish that I thought I'd never get use to: salad, because of it's horribly raw, green taste. But I never knew that with light mayonaise (and better still, honey mustard!!), salad is actually appetizing! Went to a pretty nice restaurant for lunch with Nick today, and I took more vegetables than him, the bulk being coleslaw. It was pretty delicious, until the gravvy from the potato salad just mixed in and became a strange tasting concortion that was not too pleasing to the tastebuds. But vegetables!! Finally, one step closer to obedience towards my parents, who have been nagging me to eat vegetables my whole life. Oh, and my ex-girlfriends and the girl who had come close to sharing a relationship with me.


Now that my internship's pay had come in, I've decided to spend the last two weeks doing the weirdest, wackiest stuff that I won't be able to do when school begins, be it due to financial poverty or lack of time or the need to protect my reputation.

Friday 24 July: Patronized Fabulous Tan to wax my upper legs (Boy, it hurt!)
Saturday 25 July: Try a sirloin steak prepared "rare" (Courtesy of Nicholas)
Sunday 26 July: Play L4D at a lanshop and purposely scream SO loud to scare the secondary school boy next to me
Monday 27 July: Cable skiing @ ECP + Learn to Rollerblade (hopefully Richard will be free!)
Tuesday 28 July: Ice-skating after helping out Crusade at Matriculation!
Wednesday 29 July: Make a fashion statement by dressing like an absolute punk that got teleported from Harajuku to Orchard Road (don't worry I'll be wearing shades)
Thursday 30 July: Go to Union Square and try Salsa-ing!
Friday 31 July: Act drunk and attempt the Moonwalk at a KTV bar after a glass of orange juice while friends belt out any of the King of Pop's songs

Some of these are kinda boring, so the list is liable to change. But anyway, spontaneity is so fun! If anyone of you should want to join me, be my guest! +)



Come to think about it, anger really is unjustifiable sometimes. I used to be angry at God for not providing me with good enough A-level results to get a scholarship. As I grew up in university life, I always envied those scholars whom the government valued, and whose road to greatness had been paved out.

Then I read this article. And I couldn't stop smiling.

Screw the scholarships. The government can keep them. The scholars can have them. My God has much better plans for me than the government can ever have. My Father's agency hires those most open to spontanity, with the desire to please and obey Him. And from what I know, His compensation is always more than enough, and the only type that is guaranteed even on the day the Earth breathes its last. +)





Oh, and I rejected the teaching scholarship. +))









Hatred - the anger of the weak. -Alphonse Daudet

In your anger, do not sin. -Paul (Eph 4:26a)

Sweet Innocence

As the final week of internship draws to a close, two competing emotions are manifesting little by little.

I'm totally drained out. Teaching is fun, but relieving classes is bloody tiring. Teachers on MC or leave are making special requests for me to relieve their classes, even though there are two other interns and at least four other contract teachers. From an energetic, lively teacher I'm becoming so tired I can sleep while walking around the class. And yes, I have been having my 7 hours of sleep a day.

Yet I'm going to miss the girls. It's really cute when some of them always call my name whenever I walk past their class, giggle after greeting me on the walkway, or just say repeatedly "He's so hot" behind me while I'm queuing up for brunch during their canteen breaks. (One student even boldly declared that I should be a model. I gently said that it was not going to be anytime soon, and thanked her for the compliment.) Well, I have to admit I make use of the gender difference to my advantage: students whom other teachers find impossible to control become subservient with a small wink; students who argue and retaliate become speechless when I look into their eyes; students who enjoy chatting all the time become red in the face and silent when they realize I'm behind them. It's "evil" I know, but it's an internship after all, and since it gets the students to do their work and thus make the teachers happy, I suppose, why not? As long as I ignore their catcalls and reply their greetings with a smile, the world is a much better place.

But I'm going to miss those girls alright, especially those from the Normal Academic and Normal Technical classes. I appreciate their honesty and forthrightness, despite whatever the other teachers have warned me about them. They are the clearest show of human innocence under siege by the corrupted ways of the world. And losing.



I never thought of myself as innocent or naive, until one of the senior teachers mentioned how strange it was when I told her that I believed in the inherent goodness of everyone, especially the students of the school. Her laughter made me contemplate if that which was within me was really naivety, innocence or ignorance. She said that I haven't seen the potential of maliciousness of the students, or for that matter, the working world yet.

I didn't argue. I have seen much of the maliciousness of this world. But I still believe in the inherent goodness of everyone. It just tears my heart out when people prove me wrong. But usually... no, almost all the time, I still refuse to waver in my belief of the goodness and innocence deep within.






And no, it's not a matter of perspective.







I believe we are still so innocent. The species are still so innocent that a person who is apt to be murdered believes that the murderer, just before he puts the the final wrench on his throat, will have enough compassion to give him one sweet cup of water. -Maya Angelou

Within every sinner is a heart longing for holiness. Within every harlot is a lady who can love with a fierce loyalty. That's why I still believe you're innocent. That's why the wound's so deep. -Valentino Casanova

Broken and Unworthy

Kisses by the moonlight
Lightly fluttering beside
Auburn silk, no highlights
Hair: flowing with soft sighs

Breathe, singing hushes
Pitches denied their blushes
Nocturnes my heart misses
Sashaying without noises

Hold me, ride my wings
Miss me, my soul sings
Heart me, don't be mean
Love me, be my queen


Broken.

If I were to dance to the rhythm of the night
If I were to shimmy down the city sights
Laugh not should I miss a step
Sigh not should them tears I shed
Be silent, a spectator remain
The love that guides knows not the pain
Not the hurt or anger or sadness, but
Sprouts lazily
Grows unsteadily
Stretches unwillingly

Yet, blossoms proudly

Red for the royalty in your blood
Orange for your passion's flame
Yellow for His light you shine
Green for the life you share
Blue for mercy like an ocean deep
Indigo for trust as the sun goes down
Violet for the smiles of a summer lavender

White for the mesmerizing beauty radiate

But Black deep within me
When you've been gone too long
When my heart is without song
When pain knocks on my door in throngs
When justice gives way to wrongs

Why open my eyes
When my world is darkness?
Why give words of encouragement
When my ears have become deaf?

Savior, God, King
Abandon not me alone
Cast me not from Your presence
Curse me not in Your anger
But grant Your servant just a while longer
To linger in Your splendor
Unworthy as he may be

Should the day arrive when my heart refuses to obey, should the time come when my mind refuses to submit, should the moment descend when my soul burns for another beside You, reveal the blackness in my spirit and consume all that is even a little unpleasing with the fire of Your holiness. -Valentino Casanova

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? -David (Psalms 121:1)

The Justice of Academic Results

Valentino has met people who didn't give two hoots about God and yet still aced their examinations.

Valentino has met people who blasphemed God and yet topped the entire level.

Valentino has met Christians who backslided by not coming to church, deciding instead to sacrifice the time of fellowship for studying for their papers, and then did so well they concluded that God didn't exist.

But now we call the arrogant blessed. Certainly the evildoers prosper, and even those who challenge God escape. (Malachi 3:15)

What shall we say about such things? That God is unfair? That God is blind? That there is no such thing as justice in this world?


An interning colleague of mine was absent from school for more than 5 weeks because he lied to the principal about having H1N1. The principal knows that he was lying; after all, the entire list of H1N1 sufferers were made available and accessible to them, updated daily. But she let him go ahead and "quarantine" himself at home, even after the quarantine law was dropped. And no, he didn't stay at home either. He knows, and admits to me, that he can feel that the school doesn't really want him back.

But the best part of it? He was still paid every cent, collecting the same amount of allowance as me and the other interns and contract teachers, who did not miss a single day of school.


A good friend of mine showed me the Facebook profile page of one of his pals, a model and a self-proclaimed badboy. Of course, my friend wanted to prove to me that good boys finish last, and I must say, it was one of the better examples that I have ever seen. As I read his pal's wall posts, I immediately passed the judgement that he was embarrassingly childish and his flirtation skills were really low-class. His nick even read, " XX wants to be faithful, but he can't keep his hands out of the cookie jar."

But the best part of it? It didn't take a super sleuth for me and my friend to find that a guy like him was drawing the attention of an astonishing number of beautiful (and straight) ladies to himself. Girls of all variations of beauty and intelligence had fallen victim to his "charms".


Even as I told my friend to forget about it, I couldn't help wondering why life was seemingly so unfair. I know some friends who study really hard for their examinations, and still screw up. I know friends who really want to be doctors, to serve society, only to have problems getting into polytechnic. I know girls from STC whom I interact in class with who want to break out of the mire of "uselessness" and "despondancy" but no matter how hard they try, other obstacles like family, teachers and friends limit their abilities.




Then a small voice spoke.


Why do you question My judgements? Why do you doubt that I have the best plans for your life, as well as the lives of those who honor me?

Those who honor me I will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained. (1 Sam 2:30c)

Why Lord, do you allow the wicked to prosper and bless those who hate you?

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Who are you to act as judge? Are you the one who created the Heavens and the Earth? Are you the one who breathed life into dust? Are you the One whom I have anointed to rule forever? All I require of you is to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Me. You act justly in your life, I will take care of the bigger matters out of your control.




I have to remember that one of my biggest testimonies, ironically, started out as one of my biggest failures: My A-levels.






I have never met anyone who put God first and screwed up a major exam so badly that five years later he or she can say that God screwed up his or her life because of it. -Valentino Casanova

Would you discredit My justice? Would you condemn Me to justify yourself? -God (Job 40:8)

Prayers for BGRs

Isn't it strange that when people are single they long to be attached, and when finally attached they long to be single?

Isn't it mind-boggling to see your friends having so much difficulty getting out of an abusive relationship and finding it impossible to remain faithful in an ideal relationship?

Isn't it perplexing to find some of the people with so much potential in the kingdom of God limited by their relationships with non-Christian partners, and yet they still seek other ways of drawing closer to Him without correcting this act of disobedience?

How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Cor 7:16)

As I read the prayer agenda, my heart sinks when I think of all my Christian friends around me with non-Christian partners. It feels no better when I think of all my Christian friends with partners who are just Christians by name, though one might say that I'm in no position to judge.

I really don't know how to pray for this item besides "Father, let Your will be done". If I pray any more specifically, I might come to think of myself jealous and sadistic, or ignorant and untruthful. Time will eventually tell them what kind of person they are in love with, I guess.

For now for me at least, as the days go by I'm getting more and more comfortable being single.

Comfortable. If only I could find a way to control the flood of testosterone every time I come back from the gym and my body goes into regeneration mode for that day and the next. My rate of recovery has always been nearly superhuman if I may say so; but a side-effect of muscle-building is the production of huge quantities of testosterone. Sometimes it feels like I just gorged down two dozen oysters or something. It's only by God's grace that somehow I've managed to evade pornography and the temptation to flirt around. But busying myself with activities and running my socks off can only last so long.



It's times like these that I marvel at His grace and His ability to reveal His power when I'm hopelessly weak. Prayer helps... no, prayer is absolutely necessary.







Insanity drives people to do crazy things. Without control, it leads to self-destruction. With control, it leads to a lust for perfection. Internal and external control. Occasionally from time to time, I'd think that I'm mad. All other times, I know that I'm mad. I just know it. -Valentino Casanova

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -Paul (2 Cor 12:10)

Submitting to Authority

That's it. The dream holiday to Phuket is over. No, I'm not terribly disappointed or what. I would have been if it was a sudden change, but truth be told I kinda saw it dwindling away slowly.

I've never seen a blue sea before. Neither have I ever went further than KL alone or with my friends. Well, not counting mission trips and school excursions, that is. The shock and depression of a shattered romance last year was a little heavy to take, so I busied myself with studying really hard for the semester and participating in church activities. Beknown to no one else but God alone, I also indulged my thoughts in an internship during the holidays, and with the allowance spend a few days by the blue sea.

All I wanted was to sit on the white sand, allow the waters to lap up my thighs, the sunlight to bathe my skin. I would snorkel with the fishes, do some rock-climbing, and at the very top of the cliff jump off into the sapphire-blue water. Maybe I could even go for one of their spa treatments, spin around in their disco or dance parlors, and top it off with an icy cold beer in one of their numerous beer gardens. I heard that you could see the stars on Phi Phi, meet strangers from foreign lands, salsa under the moonlight and sing to your heart's content.

Sigh. So many plans, and now it's all gone. But strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as it should have had. A trip intended for one was accidentally revealed, and a few others joined, and after that even more became interested. At best there were even nine people going! But one crisis after another. Financial problems, the H1N1 epidemic, parental consent, schedule obstructions. Even little petty politics became involved, and to my own horror I became part of it. Slowly, people dropped out for various reasons, and by the end of two months of planning, it was just me again.

No matter. I was still going anyway. At least I thought so. Then came the straw that broke the camel's back. A political meeting was to be held in Phuket less than a week before my intended arrival date, and everyone is predicting the red, yellow and blue shirts to gather again. My mum, who doesn't really read the papers often, happened to come across the newspaper article. What luck. And she forbid me to go.

I'm not exactly one to be sharp-mouthed, but I still hinted that I was going anyway. She held her ground. I was not to go. She even got my dad worried, and since both of them are going to be celebrating their God-knows-how-many-honeymoons in Japan during the time I'm planning to go to Phuket, she got even more paranoid that I was going to walk out of the house anyway. Like I would even do that. Wait, actually I did seriously consider it.

Dilemma. I left it as that, included it in a short section on my prayer agenda, went to bed.

On Sunday, John Bevere preached the need to submit to authority via a television screen in the youth room. Any other way, according to the Bible, is sin.

God couldn't have said it any louder without scaring the hell out of me.

My final four friends confirmed their pulling out of the trip, and I took an additional 10 minutes to sleep that night.

It sucks when a dream dies. Even if it's a small dream, lasting no more than a 4-day 3-night period. Strangely, it would have been a terrible blow if I had been planning to go all by myself and my mum said no. But God planned it in a way that as one by one my friends pulled out of the trip, I saw my little dream fizzle into the air piece by piece, so that when my mum pulled the plug, it wasn't really that bad. Could have been a hell lot worse and harder to submit to authority.


So, the "submission to authority". That's the agenda for the fast-and-prayer movement that the youth leaders and seniors have been embarking on for the last three weeks. God doesn't always use words; sometimes He uses circumstances which can often be pretty painful. Now I have nothing superficial or earthly to look forward to. The new semester is going to start, module preferencing round 1A opens in 2 weeks, Crusade is going to need help for matriculation. So exciting.




Aww come on, look on the bright side. Because of the holiday, you've been working your ass off in the gym since exams ended, not been buying unnecessary food and items, picked up conversational Thai, and got to know another side to some of your friends that you were hoping didn't exist. Now that the holiday is gone, at least you've lost 6kg in slightly over 2 months, become $2000 richer, and can pick up a Thai girl or haggle with a stubborn Thai peddler.





Whee.





I hope Mum doesn't find out that the hotel refund isn't 100%.








Sometimes, I feel that God has a little pin to prick all the little bubbles which carry my dreams, especially when they grow big enough to cover my vision of His gargantuan blimp. -Valentino Casanova

Build a dream, and the dream will build you. -Robert H. Schuller

-

I posted the lyrics of this song on my blog on 23 August last year, and about a week or two later, I met you. There isn't a really great video of it, but at least the sound quality is good. +)

Well, I don't believe in magic, so I don't expect you or any other girl to pop into my life just because I've posted this song up again. But somehow hearing this song just brought back a flood of memories. It's like having little snippets of both the great times and the low times of your relationship flashing like an MTV across your mind. It's weird how such things can make one smile with joy and sigh with pain at the same time.










How have you been? I hope you're doing fine. I really hope so.














We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love. -Sigmund Freud

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -Gilbert K. Chesterton

Physical and Spiritual Health

The prayer item for the youth leaders today is for good health. Surprisingly, quite a number of people around me, especially my female friends, are suffering from bouts of poor health. Quite a bad time too, considering that the war against the H1N1 epidemic has been lost.

I'm reminded of EDWY's article on 10 July about how sin and physical sicknesses sometimes have links. Not saying that all sicknesses are definitely caused by sin, but that sin can result in the manifestation of certain sicknesses.

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. (Psalms 32:1-4)

EDWY talks about how back pain, for example, is the mind's convenient way of diverting attention from the realm of emotions, and that everything medical is influenced in some ways by the emotions. Repressing emotions through silence is never a good idea, that's why verbal confession may be shameful but I believe it aids the release of emotions so that the process towards true repentence may begin.

If there is anything I thank God for, it's for the fact that my emotions are pretty stable 95% of the time (emo included). The only bad thing is that during that remaining 5% it gets really bad. Then I can be quite sure that I'll fall sick. But I don't stay sick for long, because I like to talk, and I'll pour it out to anyone who'll listen me. So... I don't get sick often, and if I do it doesn't last too long so much so that I can consider myself anything close to "sickly". Bad emotions often signals a lack of a certain virtue, be it anger (lack of love), jealousy (lack of contentment), pessimism (lack of hope), doubt (lack of faith), sadness (lack of joy), turmoil (lack of peace), bad-temperment (lack of patience), violence (lack of gentleness).

So if you are going through sickness right now, it'll be good to do a little bit of soul-searching. Maybe there is something, a negative emotion that you're struggling with, that you might need to give up so that healing can come. I won't be so daring as to short-change God's power to heal with such an obstacle in your life, but I do believe that He sometimes prolongs them, just short of holding back the Angel of Death, so that we will change, or at minimum, be aware of the residency of such negative emotions that affect our walk with Him.









AHHH!! Worship leading debut for main service in a few hours time. Nervous!! Excited!! I wonder if the effect on the body of these two emotions will cancel out each other.












Sometimes, it isn't the sickness that is contagious. Negative emotions are equally, if not more easily caught on from others. -Valentino Casanova

Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. -James (Jas 5:14-16)

Half-truths = Non-Truth = Lie

I've decided to not just fast, but to eradicate a certain negative lifestyle that has been taking root since the school holidays started: Facebook Applications. You know the type of games that require you to check and update every few minutes? It started with Restaurant City, then moved on to Mousehunt, with Basketball Tycoon being the straw that broke the camel's back. They've been huge distractions pulling me not away from the big, important things that have to be done e.g. work, QT etc., but from the small, important things that have to be done e.g. reading, prayer arrows and reflection. I've decided to give them all up, unless people decide to trade with me something on Restaurant City, or till Ruth catches up with me in Mousehunt (probably take her 3 more months). So there.


Two different agendas, two seemingly unconnected points again. In today's prayer for revival, the leaders are praying for improved family relationships for the youths as a whole, and the senior guys are praying against the sin of lying. No link. Sigh. But prayer anyway.

When I confess my sins every night before bed, a particular sin often crops up on the agenda. It dates way back, even before lust and pride became full-blown sins in my life. It is the sin of lying. I overlook them often because these sins are easily forgotten, often harmless, and sometimes, it makes me feel good. Sometimes, I think it's a self-esteem problem. You exaggerate a little here and there, add a little flair and flavor, and the story-telling goes a little out of hand, breaching the boundary between truth and lie.

We like to look good in front of people. But people don't see us 24/7, so they'll more or less believe whatever we say. Which opens the door for alot of exaggeration and lies to pop though. Worse still, if one suffers from low self-esteem, this problem will only multiply. I kind of figured that out when I was struggling with pride during my JC years. Pride was a beautiful cloak hiding the self-condemnation and low esteem within. But God smashes pride, and I'm ashamed to say that He had to do it more quite a number of times, till it has become more or less shy to manifest itself.

Nowadays, when I am about to exaggerate, and/or slot in a "harmless" lie during my conversations, I hold back my tongue. Nevertheless, one or two will just slip out, and my heart is suddenly convicted painfully, and I'm made so aware of it that the sin resounds in my memory long enough to put it before God at the end of the day.

Pastor Lawrence Seow once said something like this: Sin is like removing stones from a quarry. Once we've cleared the "big" sins, we will still find that there are "smaller" sins underneath, and even after that, even "smaller" sins right at the bottom. The struggle with sin is neverending, because God wants us to know that there is no time in our life when we can ever claim that we did not need God's grace. Even the greatest ministers, preachers, pastors, evangelist, Bible teachers, are all struggling with sin, one kind or another.

Removing pride was an extremely unpleasant and painful lesson. Now God's convicting about lying and exaggeration. And when I peer a little deeper underneath all that, I see small grains of low self-esteem. One by one, Victor. One by one.



Fear. Do not lead me to the test. Please.








The remnant of Israel will do no wrong; they will speak no lies, nor will deceit be found in their mouths. They will eat and lie down and no one will make them afraid. -Zephaniah (3:13)

Courage

Today, while I was typing out prayer pointers for the leaders and the senior guys, I breached the topic of courage. As usual, being the always-politically-correct head of the teaching ministry, it had always been safe to give credit to God for all types of resources. Courage must be among one of them right?

Well, they might be a chance that courage... isn't one of them.

Blasphemy, you might cry. How can something so important to the Christian faith be something NOT given by the Lord? Don't mistake me, I don't mean that God cannot give courage, I'm quite sure He can if He wants to. I'm just suggesting that courage isn't something that God gives DIRECTLY.

How can I prove it? Again, I'm just suggesting it because I think that this opinion is valid and can be substantiated. Using Biblegateway, I searched the word "courage", and 35 verses came out. Checking each one carefully, I realize that no Biblical character asked for courage. Instead, often it was something that was "stirred up" (Daniel 11:25), commanded (Joshua 10:25), "found" (2 Sam 7:27) or "taken", although not explicitly clear from where (Ezra 10:4).

Most often, courage was something God commanded his followers to "be", and not something that was requested by them for, like faith (Rom 12:3). So how do we be strong and courageous? How does God give us courage?



To be honest, I'm afraid of cockroaches and rats. As in, as long as the former doesn't fly and the latter doesn't move towards me, I'm fine. But as Murphy's Law proves, they always do. So what do I do? I run for my life. That's when I'm alone. I've as much courage as Courage the Cowardly Dog. But I've stood my ground before. I can boast of having killed rats and smacked flying cockroaches. But when does it happen?

Two things can bring about that effect. Camaraderie and love.

Where do soldiers get the courage to rush into battle, even when all is lost? Their mates. One another. War cries, battle drums, seeing their comrades fall, are all things that give courage, fuel adrenaline. The only occasions that I had killed rats were when my OCS buddies were around me stomping and stabbing the rats in the store, screaming and whacking hard enough to break bones. I don't know where the courage came from, but well, that's one avenue. It works, even when you encounter other sorts of courage-melting times e.g. stage fright. We just like to "die with someone next to us then die alone."

But more importantly, courage comes from love. God can provide people around us to stir up our courage, but if you ask me, most of the time, He gives love.

If Aragorn did not love Arwen enough to save her life, would he risk everything at the battle of Mordor?
If Leonidas did not love his country and his wife, would he have had the courage to face Xerxes' hordes?
If Aslan did not love his people and his land, would he have had the courage to face death by his enemies?

If Jesus did not love the world, would He risk everything and take on pain and humiliation through death on a cross?





When I recall, I find that the time I was bravest, most courageous, (and definitely most fool-hardy), was when you were clutching my arm and staring at me with oh so much love in your eyes. I had told you there and then, that I had enough in me to conquer the world, as long as you did not let go.





Years down the road, I pray that when I look back at my life today, I will find that I had made the most courageous decisions because I had been overwhelmed by Jesus' love for me.







I believe that when we ask God for courage, He gives us something way better: Love. -Valentino Casanova

Because of a great love, one is courageous. Lao-Tze

Norwegian Wood

Friday was a slack day for me. The teachers were buzzing around, marking homework, preparing lesson plans, chatting with one another, or surfing the net for the latest handbag or gadget to purchase. Not especially interested in what they were doing, plus, I had no classes to teach, no work to be done but the weekly journal to hand up to MOE, and there was simply no inspiration to write. So I did what I usually do. Grab a book.

There's a fantastic teacher's library in the staffroom, less than 10m away from my desk. How convenient. Since I was introduced by my supervisor to that place on Day 1, I had been gobbling down quite a few books from the shelf. No, I don't really care if the other teachers think I'm slack when I seemingly spend more time with my face buried in a book than doing absolutely anything else. I mean... I'm more than happy to help them in whatever way I can, and I always have been, without any hesitation to put down my book and render my services in any way. And the teachers have been exceptionally nice to me, so I guess I'm let off the hook with my behavior.

Anyway, most of the books I had chosen were little short biographies, self-help books, Christian books etc. Mostly non-fiction or advice. I had really thought that my obsession for fiction was over. It died more or less end last year, when reality hit me for the last and final time, and my "hopelessly romantic nature" laid crushed and desolated. I had never picked up a romance novel since then, and Microsoft Word is the only reason why my wastepaper basket isn't filled with a trillion balls of crushed paper with the beginning chapters of my own attempts at writing love stories.

But that Friday, I got cheated. I never thought that Norwegian Wood by bestselling author Haruki Murakami contained anything linked to romance. After all, Zhiqi had told me that his stories were depressing, grave, and heavy. At least she felt this way, and she still does. His original work was also in Japanese, and I was holding the translation in my hands, so I thought to myself, how bad could it be? It shouldn't do much harm reading a book like that.

However, it was harmful. So harmful that I finished the 400-page book in a total of 4 hours. It had been ages since I had read such an addictive book. The dominant setting was in Tokyo, Japan, a place that I was pretty familiar with, and the lifestyles there were pretty familiar to me, thus I was secretly enjoying the fact that I understood more or less everything the author was feeling and saying. But as I continued to flip the pages, to my horror and delight, I found that I was reading my own autobiography. The story that I never wanted anyone to know about.

Let me just quote a passage from the book, a letter addressed to the author written by a depressed, eccentric girl (Naoko) whom he was in love with:

Please forgive me for not answering sooner. But try to understand. It took me a long time before I was in any condition to write, and I have started this letter at least ten times. Writing is a painful process for me.
Try not to get so worked up about things. Whatever happened - or didn't happen - the end result would been the same. This may not be the best way to put it, and I'm sorry if it hurts you. What I'm trying to tell you is, I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened with me. It is something I have to take on all by myself. I have been putting it off for more than a year, and so I ended up making things very difficult for you. There is probably no way to put it off any longer.
I feel grateful in my own way for the year of companionship that you gave me. Please believe that much even if you believe nothing else. You are not the one who hurt me. I myself am the one who did that. This is truly how I feel.
For now however, I am not prepared to see you. It is not that I don't want to see you. I'm simply not prepared for it. The moment I feel ready, I will write to you. Perhaps then we can get to know each other better. As you say, this is probably what we should do: get to know each other better.
Goodbye.

When the author read the letter, he goes on to say how sad he felt, the bleak misery that overwhelmed him as he read and re-read it again and again. Incredibly as I was reading, the familiar torrents of emotions, emotions that I had assumed quelled and vanquished over this half year, just washed over me. Because this letter, this small abstract, sounds so much like...






You.





The female leads in this story are all eccentric, slightly depressed, and in need of help. There are two of them: Naoko and Midori. The author doesn't really describe in detail what they look like physically, besides them being beautiful. But his writing style focuses on their minds, their thoughts, at least from the author's perspective. And I find myself falling in love with both of them. I remember smiling as I reach the end of the book, because I have seem to found an author (or the character at least) who loves the same type of women as me. Sexy, non-conventional, quirky, eccentric, slightly depressed, needy yet independent, feminine, intimacy-craving, affirmation-desiring, emotional, intellectual ladies. Indeed I have always wondered why I've never really fallen in love with those normal, cute, bubbly girls that every guy seems to be attracted to. I've read hundreds of chick flicks and romance novels, yet none of them had really hit the nail like Murakami did.






It's really amusing, come to think about it. How many guys out there can say that they love beautiful, mad women?





Then as I think further, maybe I do, because I am mad myself.







What makes us normal, is knowing that we are not normal. -Reiko, Norwegian Wood

For those of you all who haven't read the book yet and I had recommended it to you, I've changed my mind. Don't read it, please. It is an almost mirror-replicate of my adolescent life, and there are some things inside there that I want to forget, things inside there that don't want you to ever know about me. -Valentino Casanova

Desire and Priorities

Today's prayer agenda for the senior guys was for the desire to live for God to burn within each and every junior guy in the youth.

Today's prayer agenda for the leaders was for us to have our priorities aligned with the priorities of God whenever we had to make a decision about anything.

This morning, when I looked at both pointers, I didn't think there was anything similar between the both of them. After all, it wasn't exactly written that way on purpose, each agenda had it's own goals and expectations.


I didn't expect to find their meeting points in Mitch Albom's book Tuesdays with Morrie. In my mind, I thought I had read it halfway during the school holidays, so during my free time in school I just thought of finishing it. In truth, I had finished the book within 2 hours the first time, so quickly that my impression was that I only read it halfway. So in actual fact, I was reading it for the second time, something that I rarely did for any of the books that I've read in my life.

I like the book. After all, it's about two sociologists having extremely meaningful conversations about life, a professor and a student. Here and there, I see sociological ideas littered around the chapters, and although simply put forth for readers to understand, nevertheless manages to touch the joyful strain within me regarding the subject again. It's books like these that seems to draw Biblical and sociological perspectives together, a "pure mix" of reality and spirituality that intertwines into a perfect worldview for the traveller passing through this life.

There's a passage I love inside the book. And I'll quote it here:

"We've got a form of brainwashing going on in our country," Morrie sighed. "Do you know how they brainwash people? They repeat something over and over. And that's what we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good. More is good. More is good. We repeat it - and have it repeated to us - over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all this, he has no perspective on what's really important any more.

"Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. 'Guess what I got? Guess what I got?'

"You know how I always interpret that? These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship.

These are words spoken by a man close to death, with the realization that money and power means nothing at all. You can't take it with you when you die.






It's only when you learn how to die, that you learn how to live.





How does this link to the prayer agendas? Everything! Examine youself to see where your desire lies. What are your short-term goals? What are you striving for in life? If we are students, does it mean we're exempted from considering these questions just because we have graduation to look forward to? What happens now? If God were to pop out next to you and say, "Time to go home now, my child," are you going to procrastinate? Will you have regrets? Will everyone forget you within a few weeks of your funeral because you hardly made any impact on their lives?

Our desire drives us. If our desire comes from above, to want to please Him in everything that we do, then our actions will be as such. If the desire that comes from within is self-directed, self-promoting, then we will do everything to please ourselves. Most people congregate in the latter group, even I will admit to that. We want to please ourselves, we have certain goals in mind. And when these goals become established, we are resistant to change. Even when our career has a decaying effect on our lives, and lacks any sort of meaning to us, we are reluctant to change because the pay cut will affect our payments for the car, the people we know and party with will change, and the authority we wield will disappear. Even when our spiritual life is rotting away and we long for something more to life, we are reluctant to change because it means less time to play computer games, less opportunity to pick the ladies up on a Saturday night clubbing event, and less chances to work on Sundays so you can impress your friends with the car you had been eyeing on for quite a while already.

So what are your desires? If you're not sure, just look at priorities: what you've been spending your time and resources on. And even then, ask yourself if your heart is there in the first place. You can spend every Wednesday evening as a cell leader, every alternate Friday nights at prayer meetings, monthly Saturday afternoons at worship practices and every Sunday morning in church praying, but if you're just going through the motion, then your desire isn't in it. When Jesus said, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well", He really meant it. But He can also tell who the Pharisees are, because He can see the heart (1 Sam 16:7). I believe that sometimes God doesn't "add to you" all the things that you want, because it will distract you from seeking His kingdom. And no one can really tell if another is seeking the kingdom, because desire comes from the heart, though it can be argued that what sprouted in the heart will eventually be seen via fruits or works. But works without the heart is entirely possible also, so how can I blame God when I don't get what I want?

Can someone say, "I seeked God's kingdom first, and wow, now I look like a supermodel!"
Can another say, "I seeked God's kingdom first, and wow, now I'm wealthy!"
Can another say, "I seeked God's kingdom first, and wow, now I'm famous and popular!"

Sure, why not? But you know why it rarely happens? Because looks, fame, popularity and wealth are some of the biggest, most superficial distractions in life. Can one say for sure that upon getting one or all of these, one's desire for God's kingdom will not suffer? It's not impossible, of course! But God doesn't want to lose you simply by giving you what you want either. He knows what is good and what is bad for you, and whether He gives or not is His will. We are called to desire the greater things, and often I find that it's not by giving you the superficial stuff that mankind comes to desire the greater things. It's usually by withholding them back from you.




I know this will be strange and hard to understand, but I'll write it here anyway for those of you who still want an answer. Once your desire has been firmly set upon the things above, God has an uncanny and surprising way of blessing you abundantly with all the things of your heart that are important but have been placed as a lesser priority to His kingdom. You will know it, because attaining them has become important no longer. In other words, cultivate the heart mentality of "whether I get these things or not does not matter anymore" and "my desire is for You alone", then these very things will fall from the sky.

If you are doing your best at that, but deep inside you're still asking God, "Why haven't you blessed me yet?" then you know that you're not there yet.






Yet.









Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. -Paul (Col 3:2)

Your desire is shown through your priorities, and the state of your heart while carrying them out. -Valentino Casanova

Enoch-Wannabes

Faith: You just can't please God without it. 'Nuff said.






By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. -Anonymous (Hebrews 11:5-6)

Obedience without faith is possible, but not faith without obedience. -Anonymous