Many people have asked me before, "Is anger towards God wrong?"
To be honest, my answers have changed as I grow up. When I was younger and my walk with God was immature and inexperienced, God was always a fearsome figure. Any contemplation about anger towards God was immediately perceived as an act too daring, as if I were to go up to my own dad and shout vulgarities at him.
As I grew older, God placed various obstacles and events in my way so as to get to know Him better, I realized that anger against God was only alright, it was necessary as part of a relationship. The idea of a relationship between Jesus and the Church is symbolized by the relationship of husband and wife, and anger in relationship is unavoidable. However, it is necessary risk to bond the couple closer in a deeper understanding of one another.
Today, I learned something else. Whether anger against God is right or wrong, must be analyzed depending on situation.
I pride myself on not being able to get angry. Growing up with two extremely lovable but often horrible siblings definitely comes with more than ample amounts of opportunities to exercise tolerance. It's not that anger doesn't come, it just doesn't show, and that's what I take pride in. After awhile, it tends to subside, often happening when I've convinced myself that nothing can be done about it, or found a way to work around it instead.
However, anger can come in the weirdest manners. During main service worship practice today, the sound system kept tripping like crazy, cutting off the sound from the monitors that I needed to hear. Annabelle's voice was oscillating between loud and soft, and regardless of how I strummed, her voice just didn't sound as... as beautiful as I had always known it to be.
As irritation grew among the music team, Thiam Kwee called for a short sharing session instead, just so that we can get a rein on our emotions and put an end to the constantly degrading music quality. I was more of less fine, till that happened. It didn't help that it was also during then that my three-day long toothache decided to go full-blown. My facial muscles didn't give away much, I was still smiling and agreeable with everyone. But my mind was going berserk inside. Anger was overwhelming. Someone in the band was probably leading a less-than-righteous life, so much so that God was allowing this error to happen.
The most outragrous reasons were running amok in my head: Maybe it was Ilango because of our lack of faith in God to provide a woman for us who was not money-minded. Maybe it was Serene or Faith because they never seem to sing loud enough. Maybe it was Nick because he always behaves like a disrespectful slob, slouching on the chair while playing the bass. Maybe it was Thiam Kwee because for such a big problem to occur, the worship team coordinator must be screwing up his life. Or maybe it was Kok Poh, because he's always so busy with work. Or maybe it was Karen because since she was from another church, so she has no incentive to really perform with all her heart.
When the sharing session was over, that was when God nudged me.
"When the music gets bad, why do you let anger stop you from worshipping Me?"
So there was a lesson to be learnt from this horrible technical fault. And it was for me. I don't know about anyone else, but God was looking at my heart. I realized I have adopted the only trait that I detested about my mentor Jeremiah. Letting musical faults irritate me so that I cannot worship. Anger had blinded me to the spiritual aspects of the worship. Pride in my guitar playing has led me to focus on the unimportant details.
Ironically, in my happiness over the end of my internship, I had forgot to pray the items on the agenda for revival for the church. As I reached home, I looked back at the Friday item. Guess what I saw.
A prayer request against letting anger take root in our hearts.
On a brighter note, my weight has hit the extreme lowest point for the past 12 years. The last time I was 70.1 kg was in Secondary 1. This puts my BMI at 22.4, which means for the first time ever in my life, I am more underweight than overweight, if I use the government's yardstick of 23 as the optimal weight. It could be possible that I might break the 70kg barrier if I keep up my cutting phase, and just for the fun of it, I think I'll give it a go. For now, I'm very happy that God has allowed me to hit my target of getting my six/eight pack at the end of my internship! It would have been perfect timing (at least I think so) if the beach holiday to Phuket had gone ahead. Sigh. Oh well.
The strange thing now is that I can go for a huge buffet and lose weight the next day. Yet, I can eat salad for a meal and gain an entire kilo. Oh yes, I'm learning to eat vegetables too! I thought I'd start on it next year, but sometimes God puts these little surprises when you least expect them. Even more shocking is that this change in eating regime began with the vegetable dish that I thought I'd never get use to: salad, because of it's horribly raw, green taste. But I never knew that with light mayonaise (and better still, honey mustard!!), salad is actually appetizing! Went to a pretty nice restaurant for lunch with Nick today, and I took more vegetables than him, the bulk being coleslaw. It was pretty delicious, until the gravvy from the potato salad just mixed in and became a strange tasting concortion that was not too pleasing to the tastebuds. But vegetables!! Finally, one step closer to obedience towards my parents, who have been nagging me to eat vegetables my whole life. Oh, and my ex-girlfriends and the girl who had come close to sharing a relationship with me.
Now that my internship's pay had come in, I've decided to spend the last two weeks doing the weirdest, wackiest stuff that I won't be able to do when school begins, be it due to financial poverty or lack of time or the need to protect my reputation.
Friday 24 July: Patronized Fabulous Tan to wax my upper legs (Boy, it hurt!)
Saturday 25 July: Try a sirloin steak prepared "rare" (Courtesy of Nicholas)
Sunday 26 July: Play L4D at a lanshop and purposely scream SO loud to scare the secondary school boy next to me
Monday 27 July: Cable skiing @ ECP + Learn to Rollerblade (hopefully Richard will be free!)
Tuesday 28 July: Ice-skating after helping out Crusade at Matriculation!
Wednesday 29 July: Make a fashion statement by dressing like an absolute punk that got teleported from Harajuku to Orchard Road (don't worry I'll be wearing shades)
Thursday 30 July: Go to Union Square and try Salsa-ing!
Friday 31 July: Act drunk and attempt the Moonwalk at a KTV bar after a glass of orange juice while friends belt out any of the King of Pop's songs
Some of these are kinda boring, so the list is liable to change. But anyway, spontaneity is so fun! If anyone of you should want to join me, be my guest! +)
Come to think about it, anger really is unjustifiable sometimes. I used to be angry at God for not providing me with good enough A-level results to get a scholarship. As I grew up in university life, I always envied those scholars whom the government valued, and whose road to greatness had been paved out.
Then I read this article. And I couldn't stop smiling.
Screw the scholarships. The government can keep them. The scholars can have them. My God has much better plans for me than the government can ever have. My Father's agency hires those most open to spontanity, with the desire to please and obey Him. And from what I know, His compensation is always more than enough, and the only type that is guaranteed even on the day the Earth breathes its last. +)
Oh, and I rejected the teaching scholarship. +))
Hatred - the anger of the weak. -Alphonse Daudet
In your anger, do not sin. -Paul (Eph 4:26a)
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