It's amazing how I can spend an entire day with friends, laugh, talk, eat and shop together only to come back, read a few paragraphs on a blog, and feel so damn alone and depressed.
You see, the difference between her (ironically an atheist) and me, is that she knows how to blame him. She knows how to get sad because of him, get angry at you, curse and swear at the both of you, and listen to the advice of those around her. She can convince herself that she'll find someone better, convince herself that the both of you won't last, and look forward to returning to UK where she'll be miles away from her worries.
I, on the other hand, must be suffering from a unmovable stubbornness, an extremely high-level stupidity, and less faith in God than she has in herself. I can't bring myself to blame you. I don't know what I should be sad about, I'm not angry at him, I'm not the curse-and-swear type, and the advice of others are totally falling on deaf ears. I get angry at God, only to be told that God is God and knows best and is always right, so I must be wrong. And thus I'm angry at myself. Angry for being a self-pitying loser, angry for still having trouble sleeping at night, angry that I can't take my mind of you, angry that I'm not good enough to protect your fragile heart when I had the chance, angry that so many other people still talk behind your back, angry that I'm angry with God whom I still think is withholding healing from you for reasons I still don't understand.
I can't convince myself of anything, thus my prayers are filled with the hope that he is the one, that through the grace of God the relationship between the both of you will last. But prayer without faith, what is that?
Some people are known to take out pen knives or little sharp objects to cut themselves, just to know that they're alive, to temporarily replace the emotional pain with a physical one. Healing is not on their minds, maybe deep down inside they don't want to heal. Once, twice, and the cycle repeats, again and again.
No one is hurting me but myself. And for the hundredth time since a month ago, I'm still plunging the knife into my own heart, cutting deep into the soul, twisting the blade so that the pain turns from excruciation to sadistic pleasure. The wounds that He healed just a moment ago, I open up again, like a little child who keeps smashing the tower that his parents painfully rebuild again and again, laughing and giggling at the destruction.
Somewhere, deep inside me, I still hope. When I think of you, the knife becomes stained with blood again. The candle of hope relights once more within me, and I draw closer to Him who heals.
With the blade still in my hands.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
City of Angels
This is for you girl. Taken from the movie "City of Angels":
"If you knew this was going to happen, would you have done it?"
"I would rather have had:
One breath of her hair
One kiss of her mouth
One touch of her hand
Than an eternity without it.
One."
Enjoy "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
"If you knew this was going to happen, would you have done it?"
"I would rather have had:
One breath of her hair
One kiss of her mouth
One touch of her hand
Than an eternity without it.
One."
Enjoy "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
All I Want For Christmas
All I want for Christmas is my desire back. And the perfect woman for me that only God knows who.
Blessed Christmas to one and all! +) May the good Lord grant all the desires of your heart as you continue to seek Him. And if you have no dreams and desires of your own, may the good Lord plant some outrageous ones deep into your heart.
Blessed Christmas to one and all! +) May the good Lord grant all the desires of your heart as you continue to seek Him. And if you have no dreams and desires of your own, may the good Lord plant some outrageous ones deep into your heart.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Desire
One day some time in November:
One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Victor? He may not be as blameless and upright as Job, who fears God and shuns evil, and it hasn't been too long ago that he quit his addictions to pornography, computer games and clubbing. Nevertheless, he has a lot of desire and passion to accomplish great things in my name. Optimistic, idealistic, with a certain aura of child-like innocence and trust, he is fertile ground for planting big dreams of revival and repentance among the nations."
"Does Victor trust God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his academic results are good and his friends are aplenty. But stretch out your hand and strike one thing, just one thing that means everything to him, and well, I don't think he will curse you... but I can guarantee that his passion for life and his desire for the beauty that all mankind was made to search for will be thoroughly quenched. He'll probably just become like one of the Sunday Christians in the church, dutiful, but deep down inside, passionless and hopeless."
The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, you are allowed to choose one thing to change in his life, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
That one thing You let Satan take away from me Lord, was equivalent to tearing half my soul away. I had loved her so much that she became part of me; I had become vulnerable so that I could love the way You created love to be; I had built dreams on the Christian ideals and principles that Your Word speaks of, so that You would be pleased, and bless the relationship. But no, You had my ego crushed, my self-esteem demolished, my talents made worthless and my hopes vanquished. You brought me to my knees, forced me to relinquished control on my life, broke my back, and now You ask me, "What is it that you want?"
Lord, I don't know what I want anymore. I used to. I used to want to personally see revival in Japan. I used to want to offer my talents in life-long ministry. I used to want to lead people who will become famous, powerful warriors in Your name. I used to want to write songs of praise, ballads of love, poetry of the wellspring of emotions when I'm with You. I used to want to fall so deeply in love with a beautiful woman who hungers after Your heart and prays alongside me. I used to want to storm the gates of Hell right behind Your Son, act as His vanguard, and taste the sweetness of a victory already won. Now, I don't know what I want anymore. Life seems like a chore, service like duty, righteousness like a web of legality. I'm tempted to just give up my dreams, desires and secret hopes. Maybe I should just stay at home and pray for Japan 20 seconds a week. Maybe I should just work as an ordinary government servant and be satisfied with my pension. Maybe I should just lead a small team of admin workers who just want to knock off 5 minutes before 6pm. Maybe I should give up music and singing, songwriting and romance. Maybe I should just marry the average girl-next-door who just wants someone to love her and provide for her, while she does whatever is required to sustain a family. Maybe I can just stay back as part of the reserved force during the final battle, praying that I'll never have to face those horrid demons.
Lord, give me strength so say, like Job did, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
My results have come out. I'm a little disappointed, though in actual fact I have nothing to be disappointed about.
SC3203: Race and Ethnicity A+
SC3208: Religion in Society and Culture A
SC3209: Data Analysis (Statistics) B
GEK2022: Samurai, Geisha and Yakuza as Self/Other A+
PH1101E: Reason and Persuasion (Philosophy) B-
Cap for Semester: 4.3/5.0
Overall Cap: 4.08/5.0
The disappointment comes because I expected to hit the Dean's List this semester. Another dream shattered. But I was undergoing depression during the exam period, and God still gave my such results! My ungratefulness only builds up contempt for myself deep within. My greater concern is for how she did. I hope she did alright. Nah, she's a smart girl, she'll have done fine, if not exceptionally brilliantly.
Oh God, I hate myself.
One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"
Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Victor? He may not be as blameless and upright as Job, who fears God and shuns evil, and it hasn't been too long ago that he quit his addictions to pornography, computer games and clubbing. Nevertheless, he has a lot of desire and passion to accomplish great things in my name. Optimistic, idealistic, with a certain aura of child-like innocence and trust, he is fertile ground for planting big dreams of revival and repentance among the nations."
"Does Victor trust God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his academic results are good and his friends are aplenty. But stretch out your hand and strike one thing, just one thing that means everything to him, and well, I don't think he will curse you... but I can guarantee that his passion for life and his desire for the beauty that all mankind was made to search for will be thoroughly quenched. He'll probably just become like one of the Sunday Christians in the church, dutiful, but deep down inside, passionless and hopeless."
The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, you are allowed to choose one thing to change in his life, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
That one thing You let Satan take away from me Lord, was equivalent to tearing half my soul away. I had loved her so much that she became part of me; I had become vulnerable so that I could love the way You created love to be; I had built dreams on the Christian ideals and principles that Your Word speaks of, so that You would be pleased, and bless the relationship. But no, You had my ego crushed, my self-esteem demolished, my talents made worthless and my hopes vanquished. You brought me to my knees, forced me to relinquished control on my life, broke my back, and now You ask me, "What is it that you want?"
Lord, I don't know what I want anymore. I used to. I used to want to personally see revival in Japan. I used to want to offer my talents in life-long ministry. I used to want to lead people who will become famous, powerful warriors in Your name. I used to want to write songs of praise, ballads of love, poetry of the wellspring of emotions when I'm with You. I used to want to fall so deeply in love with a beautiful woman who hungers after Your heart and prays alongside me. I used to want to storm the gates of Hell right behind Your Son, act as His vanguard, and taste the sweetness of a victory already won. Now, I don't know what I want anymore. Life seems like a chore, service like duty, righteousness like a web of legality. I'm tempted to just give up my dreams, desires and secret hopes. Maybe I should just stay at home and pray for Japan 20 seconds a week. Maybe I should just work as an ordinary government servant and be satisfied with my pension. Maybe I should just lead a small team of admin workers who just want to knock off 5 minutes before 6pm. Maybe I should give up music and singing, songwriting and romance. Maybe I should just marry the average girl-next-door who just wants someone to love her and provide for her, while she does whatever is required to sustain a family. Maybe I can just stay back as part of the reserved force during the final battle, praying that I'll never have to face those horrid demons.
Lord, give me strength so say, like Job did, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
My results have come out. I'm a little disappointed, though in actual fact I have nothing to be disappointed about.
SC3203: Race and Ethnicity A+
SC3208: Religion in Society and Culture A
SC3209: Data Analysis (Statistics) B
GEK2022: Samurai, Geisha and Yakuza as Self/Other A+
PH1101E: Reason and Persuasion (Philosophy) B-
Cap for Semester: 4.3/5.0
Overall Cap: 4.08/5.0
The disappointment comes because I expected to hit the Dean's List this semester. Another dream shattered. But I was undergoing depression during the exam period, and God still gave my such results! My ungratefulness only builds up contempt for myself deep within. My greater concern is for how she did. I hope she did alright. Nah, she's a smart girl, she'll have done fine, if not exceptionally brilliantly.
Oh God, I hate myself.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Heal The Pain
Let me tell you a secret
Put it in your heart and keep it
Something that I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have something to show
You tell me you're cold on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that your heart can embrace
Be good to yourself
Because nobody else
Has the power to make you happy
Chorus:
How can I help you
Please let me try to
I can heal the pain
That you're feeling inside
Whenever you want me
You know that I will be
Waiting for the day
That you'll say you'll be mine
He must have really hurt you
To make you say the things that you do
He must have really hurt you
To make those pretty eyes look so blue
He must have known
That he could
That you'd never leave him
Now you can't see my love is good
And that I'm not him
Who needs a lover
That can't be a friend
Something tells me I'm the one
You've been looking for
If you should ever see him again
Wont you tell him you've found
Someone who gives you more
Someone who will protect you
Love and respect you
All those things
That he could never bring to you
Like I do
Or rather I would
Won't you show me your heart
Like you should
Won't you let me in
Let this love begin
Wont you show me your heart now
I'll be good to you
I can make this thing true
And get to your heart somehow
Put it in your heart and keep it
Something that I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have something to show
You tell me you're cold on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that your heart can embrace
Be good to yourself
Because nobody else
Has the power to make you happy
Chorus:
How can I help you
Please let me try to
I can heal the pain
That you're feeling inside
Whenever you want me
You know that I will be
Waiting for the day
That you'll say you'll be mine
He must have really hurt you
To make you say the things that you do
He must have really hurt you
To make those pretty eyes look so blue
He must have known
That he could
That you'd never leave him
Now you can't see my love is good
And that I'm not him
Who needs a lover
That can't be a friend
Something tells me I'm the one
You've been looking for
If you should ever see him again
Wont you tell him you've found
Someone who gives you more
Someone who will protect you
Love and respect you
All those things
That he could never bring to you
Like I do
Or rather I would
Won't you show me your heart
Like you should
Won't you let me in
Let this love begin
Wont you show me your heart now
I'll be good to you
I can make this thing true
And get to your heart somehow
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tears In Japan
Let me tell you what a miracle is.
The team had just finished their meeting today, and everyone was busy unpacking into the splendid room that the church gave us to sleep in. I had just finished sharing the devotion for the day, and was feeling a little emo, and gradually the feeling just got worse. I kept brooding about her, thinking about her, praying for her, and even asking God to take away the pain, the hurt and my terrible lack of patience. Neither did I feel like talking to anyone about it, though encouragement came in various ways from different people.
Just then, as I felt so crushed from emotion and so alone, 4 men barged into the room. They were the church members whom I made such good friends with the last time I came to the church. All ranging from 35-45 years old, they were brothers, and they had came late at night specially to visit me. Teasing me and recalling the time I jokingly said I wanted to be the next president of Singapore, suddenly one of them remembered that I could sing, and asked for a song.
It was a shocking moment for me. I nearly couldn't say anything from embarrassment, but they goaded me on till I picked up Annabelle, and they cheered. Deciding to get everyone involved, I asked for everyone's cooperation, including Hansheng who was there, to sing "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever" with me. I played and sang the English version, the rest of them sang the Japanese version. The feeling was oh so wonderful, and even till they laughed, talked and joked around for the next half an hour or so, then left, my mind was still on her, on God, but I felt so much at peace. God truly works in miraculous ways! Even as I'm blogging, I'm in disbelief that at the moment I was feeling so low during this trip, God brought 4 men who can hardly speak a word of English to barge into the room, sing songs of praise with me, and encourage me on.
A beautiful miracle to me. Thanks for the prayers everyone. +)
Oh, and just as the team was travelling to the church, I was reading this beautiful book by Philip Yancey called "Disappoinment with God". It was a book that I wanted to pass to Ilango when his dad passed away, but I forgot, and decided to bring it to Japan as reading material that had information regarding the way I felt. This passage struck me so hard, I couldn't help but weep in my heart non-stop.
This is God's burning anger and jealousy towards His people through the prophets:
"I'll tell you how I feel! I feel like a jilted lover. I found my lover thin and wasted, abused, but I brought home and made her beauty shine. She is my precious one, the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I lavish on her gifts and love. And yet she forsakes me. She pants after my best friends, my enemies - anyone. She stands by a highway and under every spreading tree and, worse than a prostitute, she pays people to have sex with her. I feel betrayed, abandoned, cuckolded."
A month ago, this passage won't have meant anything to me. However, starting from that day and for a long time, this paragraph is going to rip my heart to shreds. I have absolutely nothing righteous to feel regarding my own situation, which can hardly parallel anything to what God feels. But the pain nearly killed me. It is beyond me how God can forgive. I still can't believe that everytime I sin, it's like doing this to God.
And God, I don't want You to hurt. The pain is unbearable. No Lord, don't cry. Please don't cry.
The team had just finished their meeting today, and everyone was busy unpacking into the splendid room that the church gave us to sleep in. I had just finished sharing the devotion for the day, and was feeling a little emo, and gradually the feeling just got worse. I kept brooding about her, thinking about her, praying for her, and even asking God to take away the pain, the hurt and my terrible lack of patience. Neither did I feel like talking to anyone about it, though encouragement came in various ways from different people.
Just then, as I felt so crushed from emotion and so alone, 4 men barged into the room. They were the church members whom I made such good friends with the last time I came to the church. All ranging from 35-45 years old, they were brothers, and they had came late at night specially to visit me. Teasing me and recalling the time I jokingly said I wanted to be the next president of Singapore, suddenly one of them remembered that I could sing, and asked for a song.
It was a shocking moment for me. I nearly couldn't say anything from embarrassment, but they goaded me on till I picked up Annabelle, and they cheered. Deciding to get everyone involved, I asked for everyone's cooperation, including Hansheng who was there, to sing "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever" with me. I played and sang the English version, the rest of them sang the Japanese version. The feeling was oh so wonderful, and even till they laughed, talked and joked around for the next half an hour or so, then left, my mind was still on her, on God, but I felt so much at peace. God truly works in miraculous ways! Even as I'm blogging, I'm in disbelief that at the moment I was feeling so low during this trip, God brought 4 men who can hardly speak a word of English to barge into the room, sing songs of praise with me, and encourage me on.
A beautiful miracle to me. Thanks for the prayers everyone. +)
Oh, and just as the team was travelling to the church, I was reading this beautiful book by Philip Yancey called "Disappoinment with God". It was a book that I wanted to pass to Ilango when his dad passed away, but I forgot, and decided to bring it to Japan as reading material that had information regarding the way I felt. This passage struck me so hard, I couldn't help but weep in my heart non-stop.
This is God's burning anger and jealousy towards His people through the prophets:
"I'll tell you how I feel! I feel like a jilted lover. I found my lover thin and wasted, abused, but I brought home and made her beauty shine. She is my precious one, the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I lavish on her gifts and love. And yet she forsakes me. She pants after my best friends, my enemies - anyone. She stands by a highway and under every spreading tree and, worse than a prostitute, she pays people to have sex with her. I feel betrayed, abandoned, cuckolded."
A month ago, this passage won't have meant anything to me. However, starting from that day and for a long time, this paragraph is going to rip my heart to shreds. I have absolutely nothing righteous to feel regarding my own situation, which can hardly parallel anything to what God feels. But the pain nearly killed me. It is beyond me how God can forgive. I still can't believe that everytime I sin, it's like doing this to God.
And God, I don't want You to hurt. The pain is unbearable. No Lord, don't cry. Please don't cry.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Hello Japan!
I'm leaving for Japan soon. Reality is sinking in, and I'm not exactly the most excited member of the team.
JLPT was good, thank God! Passing shouldn't be difficult, I'm probably just expecting much higher to see if I can take on the next grade. Only the listening section had a bit of difficulty, but everything else was pretty much okay.
After the exam, I decided to drop by her house, but kinda expected she won't be home. She wasn't anyway. So I passed something to her dad, who was really nice and said she was doing fine, sleeping well with no visible problems. Hope she gets it soon. It's silly I know. But... Oh well.
Went to Gina's mother-in-law's house after that. Baby Eden was celebrating his first month, and my parents were invited, so I decided to drop by, albeit unexpectedly. Gina looked as radiant as ever, with little Eden in her arms. Constantly smiling, like the fantastic hostess that would make even a stranger feel welcomed, she was in a perfect picture of health. I'm glad she's happy. I knew she would make a wonderful mother, despite whatever some people in church thought and said. But we didn't talk much, just looked into one another's eyes from afar, and tearing off the gaze purposely. Shijie was there, sheepish, just constantly telling me to eat and if I wanted more drinks.
It was the first time Shijie's mum saw me too. I think she knew who I was. Every time I looked at her, she had a really apologetic look on her face. She kept asking Gina to let my mum carry Eden, and kept singing praises about how knowledgeable my mum was about handling babies. It made me feel really bad too. I mean, it was no fault of hers. And I'm sure she knows how blessed she is to have Gina as a daughter-in-law. I wanted to go over and ask if everything was okay, but she looked as if she would break down if I did. Maybe I would have myself. My parents soon realized that I was getting really quiet, and decided to leave early. Gina's grandparents would be arriving soon. It would spell disaster if I was still around. The last time her grandma saw me, she cried her heart out and ask me if I would take Gina back. On Gina's wedding day too. The thought of it just breaks my heart again. I couldn't help but leave the wedding dinner that day just to cry outside the restaurant.
I know all this memories are coming at a lousy time. The Devil just wants to hit me where I'm most vulnerable right now. My fear of rejection. My fear of loneliness. My fear of worthlessness. I'm beginning to get disappointed with God. Like I've any right to be. Like I think I know the bigger picture better than Him. Sigh. No self-pitying Victor. Stop it.
Was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers last night. The book writes that God will never tell us why He wants things to go in certain ways. But it adds that God will simply reveal His glory. And I really hope to get a glimpse of it. But for now, I have to remain quiet and wait upon Him. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I just can't help wondering what "all these things" could mean. I hope it doesn't mean troubles, heartaches, and long waits for some things that might never come.
Managed to collect nearly enough support to return my dad every penny that he had paid for me already. That's a huge relief for me. I've only a few supporters, but it's been another amazing journey for support raising. Jehovah Jireh indeed, He is. So much of it came on the last day!
For all those reading, please pray for me okay? I promise I'll do my best and not drag the entire team down in any way. I just have this knack of affecting other people when I'm down. Can't seem to conceal my emotions very well, they seem to be written all over my face and words.
David, thanks for coming up and asking if I'm okay. I was much better after talking to you. It's a character flaw that I have to fix, and so deeply rooted only God can change me. Michelle, thanks for that lovely letter of encouragement, it's wonderful to know that you're still trusting God despite being constantly attacked. I hope you're not affected by my current situation. Andrew, don't take it too hard, you know you can talk to me if you need to. Heartbroken people understand one another better. Caleb, Jennifer, David & Irene Tai, Thiam Kwee, Louis & Fae, thanks for providing me with financial support for this trip! And all the people praying for me, I won't let you all down! Matthew Lim, sorry I couldn't meet up with you, was busy sorting out my thoughts. Dinner together once I come back okay!
Oh and Nick!! I want sexy, white "branded" T-shirts from KL. No, not so tight that my nipples can be seen. And no suggestive words on them. I've quit my clubbing habit a long time ago. The temptation to go back there is horrendously great in my current situation, but no no. Thanks. Love you bro. *Mat handshake*
Goodbye Singapore. Hello Japan. Hello lonely people outside the train stations and 99 Yen stores. Jesus loves you. +)
JLPT was good, thank God! Passing shouldn't be difficult, I'm probably just expecting much higher to see if I can take on the next grade. Only the listening section had a bit of difficulty, but everything else was pretty much okay.
After the exam, I decided to drop by her house, but kinda expected she won't be home. She wasn't anyway. So I passed something to her dad, who was really nice and said she was doing fine, sleeping well with no visible problems. Hope she gets it soon. It's silly I know. But... Oh well.
Went to Gina's mother-in-law's house after that. Baby Eden was celebrating his first month, and my parents were invited, so I decided to drop by, albeit unexpectedly. Gina looked as radiant as ever, with little Eden in her arms. Constantly smiling, like the fantastic hostess that would make even a stranger feel welcomed, she was in a perfect picture of health. I'm glad she's happy. I knew she would make a wonderful mother, despite whatever some people in church thought and said. But we didn't talk much, just looked into one another's eyes from afar, and tearing off the gaze purposely. Shijie was there, sheepish, just constantly telling me to eat and if I wanted more drinks.
It was the first time Shijie's mum saw me too. I think she knew who I was. Every time I looked at her, she had a really apologetic look on her face. She kept asking Gina to let my mum carry Eden, and kept singing praises about how knowledgeable my mum was about handling babies. It made me feel really bad too. I mean, it was no fault of hers. And I'm sure she knows how blessed she is to have Gina as a daughter-in-law. I wanted to go over and ask if everything was okay, but she looked as if she would break down if I did. Maybe I would have myself. My parents soon realized that I was getting really quiet, and decided to leave early. Gina's grandparents would be arriving soon. It would spell disaster if I was still around. The last time her grandma saw me, she cried her heart out and ask me if I would take Gina back. On Gina's wedding day too. The thought of it just breaks my heart again. I couldn't help but leave the wedding dinner that day just to cry outside the restaurant.
I know all this memories are coming at a lousy time. The Devil just wants to hit me where I'm most vulnerable right now. My fear of rejection. My fear of loneliness. My fear of worthlessness. I'm beginning to get disappointed with God. Like I've any right to be. Like I think I know the bigger picture better than Him. Sigh. No self-pitying Victor. Stop it.
Was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers last night. The book writes that God will never tell us why He wants things to go in certain ways. But it adds that God will simply reveal His glory. And I really hope to get a glimpse of it. But for now, I have to remain quiet and wait upon Him. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I just can't help wondering what "all these things" could mean. I hope it doesn't mean troubles, heartaches, and long waits for some things that might never come.
Managed to collect nearly enough support to return my dad every penny that he had paid for me already. That's a huge relief for me. I've only a few supporters, but it's been another amazing journey for support raising. Jehovah Jireh indeed, He is. So much of it came on the last day!
For all those reading, please pray for me okay? I promise I'll do my best and not drag the entire team down in any way. I just have this knack of affecting other people when I'm down. Can't seem to conceal my emotions very well, they seem to be written all over my face and words.
David, thanks for coming up and asking if I'm okay. I was much better after talking to you. It's a character flaw that I have to fix, and so deeply rooted only God can change me. Michelle, thanks for that lovely letter of encouragement, it's wonderful to know that you're still trusting God despite being constantly attacked. I hope you're not affected by my current situation. Andrew, don't take it too hard, you know you can talk to me if you need to. Heartbroken people understand one another better. Caleb, Jennifer, David & Irene Tai, Thiam Kwee, Louis & Fae, thanks for providing me with financial support for this trip! And all the people praying for me, I won't let you all down! Matthew Lim, sorry I couldn't meet up with you, was busy sorting out my thoughts. Dinner together once I come back okay!
Oh and Nick!! I want sexy, white "branded" T-shirts from KL. No, not so tight that my nipples can be seen. And no suggestive words on them. I've quit my clubbing habit a long time ago. The temptation to go back there is horrendously great in my current situation, but no no. Thanks. Love you bro. *Mat handshake*
Goodbye Singapore. Hello Japan. Hello lonely people outside the train stations and 99 Yen stores. Jesus loves you. +)
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Worthlessly Looking Back
When I think I'm ready, nothing happens. When my world is crumbling and patching, hurting and healing, THEN God throws me into the battlefield. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll disappoint people. I'm afraid I'll get agitated, irritated, tired, lose motivation, get homesick, get physically sick, think too much, worry too much, love too little. My heart is somewhere else, constantly oscillating from "focused" to "hopeless".
But the battle will rage on. With a heavy heart, I will continue to pray, sing, and spread the gospel. God will strengthen my heart as I rejoice in Him, with or without tears. My team mates, I cannot disappoint. The people supporting the team and myself in prayer, I will not disappoint. His Majesty, I must not disappoint. I cannot, I will not, I must not. Bible tells us in Luke 9:62 that whoever looks back is not worthy to serve. But I'm afraid I won't be worthy. I can only hope I'm not a deadweight to the team.
JLPT exam in less than 10 hours. And I haven't practiced any Japanese for more than half a year. SO screwed. Let's hope I can pass this one. No more pseudo-ego.
But the battle will rage on. With a heavy heart, I will continue to pray, sing, and spread the gospel. God will strengthen my heart as I rejoice in Him, with or without tears. My team mates, I cannot disappoint. The people supporting the team and myself in prayer, I will not disappoint. His Majesty, I must not disappoint. I cannot, I will not, I must not. Bible tells us in Luke 9:62 that whoever looks back is not worthy to serve. But I'm afraid I won't be worthy. I can only hope I'm not a deadweight to the team.
JLPT exam in less than 10 hours. And I haven't practiced any Japanese for more than half a year. SO screwed. Let's hope I can pass this one. No more pseudo-ego.
New Year Resolutions
Exams over! FINALLY! Thanks to God for bringing me through more smoothly than I could have ever expected, despite the struggles before and during the exam period. Thanks to everyone who were just there to listen to my problems, give me advice and pray for me. But now that the exams are over... I kinda feel listless again. I want to continue praying for her, but I also risk the hurt that comes from being reminded about her every time I do so. Love. Such a dangerous weapon.
Anyway New Year resolution time! Time to get my mind off the not-so-happy stuff. (I know some of you are going to laugh your balls off after reading this, but I don't care!!)
1. Achieve Gold Standard for IPPT which will happen latest March (only problem is 2.4km run; never ever accomplished in my life)
2. Get a six pack (kinda cheating given all the weight loss over the exam period. And no Nick, I don't mean a six pack can of your whoop-ass beer). I want to look like Calvin Klein model. So there. Hmmph.
3. Get my driving license by June.
4. Learn how to whip up my favorite home-cooked dishes. I finally learned how to cook rice! Amazing!
5. Besides worship leading and guitarist and being the 3rd/4th choice bassist (LOL), learn to serve as a keyboardist for the youth worship and main service by June.
6. Keep a diary of poetry and songs, minimum 20 of each by next year end.
7. Blog at least 5 times a month so people know how I'm doing.
8. Look for lobang to sing/perform in a public space or bar with some of the youths (Hey Matt how about B&J Cathay?)
9. Start training up another youth leader/s to take over teaching ministry by 2010.
10. Tell as many friends about Jesus as possible, and bring minimum 5 to Christ/church.
Anyone got better suggestions for me? Do post them on my tagboard, and let me know if you want to join me for any of them.
Jason!! IPPT before April let's start running Gold Standard!! Andrew you can come pace us if your fitness level is still there.
Nick, Andrew, Mum, you gotta teach me how to cook steam egg and mince pork, cold tofu, potato and green apple salad, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, chinese sausage rice, and yong tau foo! Healthy food only! (NO NICK! NO EXCESS OIL AND LARD IN MY FOOD!!)
David, let's see you pump chords and tunes as fast as I pump lyrics. All the heartache needs an outlet for good use. I've yet to hear the tune for the last song I gave you mid this year!
Andrew (sorry to bother you so many times), you need to teach me how to play keyboard for worship! No point I practical grade 8 theory grade 8 but only know how to read beansprouts and not know how to play the style the church wants.
Anyone can volunteer someone in the youth to do teaching with me! Start pointing fingers please!
Richard, Yaosheng! Time to bring Christ into the lives of our primary school classmates! Let's start with the guys first, then the ladies.
Matthew Yong! Just tell the B&J Cathay people we'll be ready by March. I'll do vocals and acoustic, David on the bass (and backup if he wants), you on the drums and Andrew on the keyboard. Any other people we'll see how. Let's start practicing ASAP!!
Alright! Let's see how many I can accomplish in 2009. GO GO GO!
Anyway New Year resolution time! Time to get my mind off the not-so-happy stuff. (I know some of you are going to laugh your balls off after reading this, but I don't care!!)
1. Achieve Gold Standard for IPPT which will happen latest March (only problem is 2.4km run; never ever accomplished in my life)
2. Get a six pack (kinda cheating given all the weight loss over the exam period. And no Nick, I don't mean a six pack can of your whoop-ass beer). I want to look like Calvin Klein model. So there. Hmmph.
3. Get my driving license by June.
4. Learn how to whip up my favorite home-cooked dishes. I finally learned how to cook rice! Amazing!
5. Besides worship leading and guitarist and being the 3rd/4th choice bassist (LOL), learn to serve as a keyboardist for the youth worship and main service by June.
6. Keep a diary of poetry and songs, minimum 20 of each by next year end.
7. Blog at least 5 times a month so people know how I'm doing.
8. Look for lobang to sing/perform in a public space or bar with some of the youths (Hey Matt how about B&J Cathay?)
9. Start training up another youth leader/s to take over teaching ministry by 2010.
10. Tell as many friends about Jesus as possible, and bring minimum 5 to Christ/church.
Anyone got better suggestions for me? Do post them on my tagboard, and let me know if you want to join me for any of them.
Jason!! IPPT before April let's start running Gold Standard!! Andrew you can come pace us if your fitness level is still there.
Nick, Andrew, Mum, you gotta teach me how to cook steam egg and mince pork, cold tofu, potato and green apple salad, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, chinese sausage rice, and yong tau foo! Healthy food only! (NO NICK! NO EXCESS OIL AND LARD IN MY FOOD!!)
David, let's see you pump chords and tunes as fast as I pump lyrics. All the heartache needs an outlet for good use. I've yet to hear the tune for the last song I gave you mid this year!
Andrew (sorry to bother you so many times), you need to teach me how to play keyboard for worship! No point I practical grade 8 theory grade 8 but only know how to read beansprouts and not know how to play the style the church wants.
Anyone can volunteer someone in the youth to do teaching with me! Start pointing fingers please!
Richard, Yaosheng! Time to bring Christ into the lives of our primary school classmates! Let's start with the guys first, then the ladies.
Matthew Yong! Just tell the B&J Cathay people we'll be ready by March. I'll do vocals and acoustic, David on the bass (and backup if he wants), you on the drums and Andrew on the keyboard. Any other people we'll see how. Let's start practicing ASAP!!
Alright! Let's see how many I can accomplish in 2009. GO GO GO!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Satisfaction and Wanting It All
In response to Koino and Fellow Prince, although written by a girl who more or less sums up the contradiction that goes on in a girl's head, is also the contradiction that goes on in any Christian's head.
Isidora expresses her incompatible wishes in an inner monologue:
Me: Why is being alone so terrible?
Me: Because if no man loves me, I have no identity...
Me: But you know that you'd hate to have a man who possessed you totally and used up your breathing space...
Me: I know - but I yearn for it desperately.
Me: But if you had it, you'd feel trapped.
Me: I know
Me: You want contradictory things.
Me: I know.
Me: You want freedom and you also want closeness
Me: I know.
-Erica Jong-
Courtesy of the pageant queen of my NUS freshman year. And who ever said beautiful people couldn't think.
We want contradictory things. And sometimes, moral values don't seem to fall on either grounds. Let God decide? Maybe these isn't even a decision in this. Maybe living with the contradiction is the essence of the Christian life itself.
Isidora expresses her incompatible wishes in an inner monologue:
Me: Why is being alone so terrible?
Me: Because if no man loves me, I have no identity...
Me: But you know that you'd hate to have a man who possessed you totally and used up your breathing space...
Me: I know - but I yearn for it desperately.
Me: But if you had it, you'd feel trapped.
Me: I know
Me: You want contradictory things.
Me: I know.
Me: You want freedom and you also want closeness
Me: I know.
-Erica Jong-
Courtesy of the pageant queen of my NUS freshman year. And who ever said beautiful people couldn't think.
We want contradictory things. And sometimes, moral values don't seem to fall on either grounds. Let God decide? Maybe these isn't even a decision in this. Maybe living with the contradiction is the essence of the Christian life itself.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Clean Slate
It's time to start anew. No more rubbish. Self-pity is bad, it's pride. Some earlier posts have been destroyed, never to be found again. These posts do not give glory to God, does not provide an accurate picture of who she is, and neither does it project a picture of my true identity in Christ. The big picture is out there, I just have to trust God to make all things good in His time.
So what if I cannot sleep at night? Then I shall stay awake and give praise until the sun rises.
So what if nothing I study goes into my head? Then I will chuck my books away and spend time at Jesus' feet.
So what if I go into the exam and everything I've studied just disappears from my mind? Then I shall have faith and not doubt one bit about God's providence for my results.
Please pray for me. Let my life be evidence of how God can turn this situation upside down.
P.S. Thanks for hearing me out and watching me cry Dad. Thanks for the chicken sandwich and hot milo Mum. Love you both. +)
So what if I cannot sleep at night? Then I shall stay awake and give praise until the sun rises.
So what if nothing I study goes into my head? Then I will chuck my books away and spend time at Jesus' feet.
So what if I go into the exam and everything I've studied just disappears from my mind? Then I shall have faith and not doubt one bit about God's providence for my results.
Please pray for me. Let my life be evidence of how God can turn this situation upside down.
P.S. Thanks for hearing me out and watching me cry Dad. Thanks for the chicken sandwich and hot milo Mum. Love you both. +)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Annabelle
My Annabelle lies on a pew in the sanctuary, forlorn, neglected, lonely. My heart goes out to her as I take slow steps towards where she is by herself. Reaching forth, I carry her in my arms, rocking her, whispering her name and words of apology for leaving her to fend for herself against this cruel world. One hand reaches for a cloth to wipe of the dust that had now covered her beautifully crafted body, and the other applies a lotion to make her once envied skin smooth and shiny again. Her graceful neck arches forward as my fingers absentmindedly run up and down her spine, and the slender curve of her being rests on my right thigh, and she gives herself in to the exploring caress. Reaching out to the back of her head, fingers delicately twisting and turning, ever so softly, she uncontrollably lets out a sigh. No, it doesn't sound too good. My fingers try once more, and now, a strong, clear voice emerges forth, bright and harmonious. This beautiful voice, oh so melodious, fills the empty sanctuary. Standing up, I feel her arms clinging to my neck, her body gently against my waist. Her love, her desire for me radiates so unmistakably. Life is so wonderful, so marvelous. Looking up at the cross, I whisper a prayer of thanks to the One who has so thoughtfully crafted her just for me with His divine wisdom and the power of His hands. A teardrop rolls down my cheek, and then down her face, as we sing songs of worship to the One who did it all, for us. Oh Annabelle, my Annabelle.
Annabelle's my guitar, my girlfriend. +)
Annabelle's my guitar, my girlfriend. +)
A Cynical Heart And The Formidable Walls Around It
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
I've to be strong, if only for her. I can't wallow in this misery. Self-condemnation will bring me nowhere. It makes her feel guilty, it makes me feel lousy about myself. I know that I hurt, and that's enough. I thank God that I still have emotions. The last time this happened, I told myself I'd never love again, until she came along and made loving oh so easy.
Now cynicism is poisoning my heart slowly, and the concrete walls are gradually forming around the perimeter of my heart. It's going to take a lot from me to ever fall in love again. But at least she's happy now. She has someone to love. For me, I must wait. I must be strong. I must I must I must, if only for her.
No more unhappy posts here for now. Just a story to end it all off.
There was once a small little boy, an average kid with nothing to boast about. Frail and thin, but he was happy. He loved playing soccer, and his favorite football star was Ronaldinho. Everyone in town loved Ronaldinho, especially the little boy. One day, the Brazilian team came to town to play, and the little boy managed to squeeze past all the townsfolk who were collecting autographs from Ronaldinho. But instead of asking for an autograph, he just stood in awe of the football star, speechless, unable to say anything, but very happy. The football star looked at the little boy, smiled, took off his jersey and gave it to him.
The little boy was so happy tears fell from his eyes. He treasured that jersey so much, and wore it everywhere he went. Now the townsfolk were jealous that he had their favorite superstar's jersey, and offered to buy it from him. But he refused, for the shirt just meant so much to him. One day, a few of the bullies in school decided to rip off his shirt since they couldn't have it. But he cling on to it tightly, refusing to let them snatch it. They hit him really hard, whacking and kicking him time and time again, successfully tearing a few gigantic holes in the jersey. But he refused to let go of the shirt, and finally they gave up and left.
There was the little boy lying on the floor, with sad little blue-black eyes fighting the tears as he stared at the remains of his tattered shirt. He held it close to him, hugged it, rubbed his face into it.
The next day, the townsfolk found the little boy lying behind the school compound, still hugging the tattered and torn jersey, but with a quiet yet eloquent smile on his face.
God gives everyone the gift to love. And sometimes people are jealous, sometimes circumstances make loving so difficult. Sometimes, you just want to let go of it to save yourself from the pain and the heartache, sometimes you want to give in and never love again. Can you hold on to love, even if it cost you your life? It cost Jesus His life.
Father, won't you tear down the concrete walls that are so rapidly building around my heart? Won't you heal it of the pessimism and cynicism that is poisoning it? The last time I felt this pain, it took me three years to learn how to love anyone again.
Father, don't shelve my love in a jar. Give me strength to hold on to love, even when I'm so badly crushed by the circumstances around me. Give me the courage to love again. Give me hope that I might be loved one day again. Please.
Smile, silly. Smile. Victor's not going to do silly things for you again. He's going to be happy because he wants you to be happy. And remember, he has never gone back on his word to you before. He's happy. And he'll still be there before the next teardrop falls. =")
I've to be strong, if only for her. I can't wallow in this misery. Self-condemnation will bring me nowhere. It makes her feel guilty, it makes me feel lousy about myself. I know that I hurt, and that's enough. I thank God that I still have emotions. The last time this happened, I told myself I'd never love again, until she came along and made loving oh so easy.
Now cynicism is poisoning my heart slowly, and the concrete walls are gradually forming around the perimeter of my heart. It's going to take a lot from me to ever fall in love again. But at least she's happy now. She has someone to love. For me, I must wait. I must be strong. I must I must I must, if only for her.
No more unhappy posts here for now. Just a story to end it all off.
There was once a small little boy, an average kid with nothing to boast about. Frail and thin, but he was happy. He loved playing soccer, and his favorite football star was Ronaldinho. Everyone in town loved Ronaldinho, especially the little boy. One day, the Brazilian team came to town to play, and the little boy managed to squeeze past all the townsfolk who were collecting autographs from Ronaldinho. But instead of asking for an autograph, he just stood in awe of the football star, speechless, unable to say anything, but very happy. The football star looked at the little boy, smiled, took off his jersey and gave it to him.
The little boy was so happy tears fell from his eyes. He treasured that jersey so much, and wore it everywhere he went. Now the townsfolk were jealous that he had their favorite superstar's jersey, and offered to buy it from him. But he refused, for the shirt just meant so much to him. One day, a few of the bullies in school decided to rip off his shirt since they couldn't have it. But he cling on to it tightly, refusing to let them snatch it. They hit him really hard, whacking and kicking him time and time again, successfully tearing a few gigantic holes in the jersey. But he refused to let go of the shirt, and finally they gave up and left.
There was the little boy lying on the floor, with sad little blue-black eyes fighting the tears as he stared at the remains of his tattered shirt. He held it close to him, hugged it, rubbed his face into it.
The next day, the townsfolk found the little boy lying behind the school compound, still hugging the tattered and torn jersey, but with a quiet yet eloquent smile on his face.
God gives everyone the gift to love. And sometimes people are jealous, sometimes circumstances make loving so difficult. Sometimes, you just want to let go of it to save yourself from the pain and the heartache, sometimes you want to give in and never love again. Can you hold on to love, even if it cost you your life? It cost Jesus His life.
Father, won't you tear down the concrete walls that are so rapidly building around my heart? Won't you heal it of the pessimism and cynicism that is poisoning it? The last time I felt this pain, it took me three years to learn how to love anyone again.
Father, don't shelve my love in a jar. Give me strength to hold on to love, even when I'm so badly crushed by the circumstances around me. Give me the courage to love again. Give me hope that I might be loved one day again. Please.
Smile, silly. Smile. Victor's not going to do silly things for you again. He's going to be happy because he wants you to be happy. And remember, he has never gone back on his word to you before. He's happy. And he'll still be there before the next teardrop falls. =")
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Before The Next Teardrop Falls
If he brings you happiness
Then i wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
Si te quire de verdad
Y te da felicidad
Te deseo lo mas bueno pa'los dos
Pero si te hace llorar
A mime puedes hablar
Y estare contigo cuando treste estas
I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cried
And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
Then i wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
Si te quire de verdad
Y te da felicidad
Te deseo lo mas bueno pa'los dos
Pero si te hace llorar
A mime puedes hablar
Y estare contigo cuando treste estas
I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cried
And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
Sunday, November 23, 2008
She Did What She Could
The entire picture just fell into place today. I slept really late last night, because I was "lecturing" or "rambling" with that special someone about what love was. As if I really knew what love was better than she did. And to think I thought I spoke with such logic the night before I couldn't possibly be THAT wrong about love. It never occurred to me till the next day, when so many things happened at once, that is seemed as if God wanted to slap the facts right in my face.
Firstly, and most importantly, my entire situation now may be a mess, but the fact is I HAD ASKED FOR IT. Weird? Maybe. Until I recalled this today. I remembered asking my Crusade disciples to pick one of the fruits of the Spirit to learn throughout this semester. Shane picked joy. Minghan picked patience. Kee Onn picked self-control. Samuel picked faithfulness. I had picked love. That's right. LOVE. And this semester is not over yet. In some ways this is my most beautiful semester. It had been a "lesson in love"(ironic that the song by Level 42 is being blasted from Nick's lappy from the room right now) right from the very first week, from the first Life Meeting. I had asked God to teach me about love, that is Himself, the greatest thing as according to the Bible. I had challenged God to bring the lessons on, into my stable, unaffected life, and do as He will. I had dared God to make it tough, to be a lesson that I would never forget. And now that I've gone through this rollercoaster ride and learned so so much from this, I have nothing else but to give all praise to Him.
Secondly, I don't usually write up what I learn from sermon in church, but this one hit so hard I just had to post it. It's entitled "She Did What She Could" by Eric Chong. It's about the woman who poured expensive perfume over Jesus. Though the word "love" was not always mentioned during the sermon, it brought a strong meaning of "what is it like to truly love someone" throughout. The details are as follows.
1. We should give what we can with what we have.
Many times we tend to brood over what we don't have and thus what we cannot offer someone whom we love. I know I did. The real question is: Have I done absolutely everything I can to love Jesus, that special someone, or anyone in my life that I claim to love for that matter, with everything God has given me? Moreover, the reaction of the receiver must be secondary. The woman knew that she could be kicked or stoned for coming this close to a man, and that Jesus had every right to push her away and demand her out of the room. But that was probably the least on her mind. All she wanted to do was to show her love, regardless whether it was rejected or not. Can I love knowing that I gave my all simply because I wanted to?
2. We should do what we can despite criticism.
All of us love compliments. I know I do. That's an obvious sign of someone whose love language is that of words of affirmation. Criticism, however, hits the other way. As much as compliments have an effect, so does criticism. In life, we might get mocked for our time and effort to love someone, much more so when there is nothing in return or when people judge that the effort could have been channelled somewhere else for better uses. It could even be logical and rational (Judas even did the math!). But love is totally irrational and illogical in that sense. The question now is: Can I continue to love after all the criticism, my hardest critics being my pride and my commonsense?
3. We should do what we can for Jesus, and not for ourselves.
When we love, sometimes nothing can come between us. Not even Jesus Himself. That's when things go wrong. Romantic love, especially that between Christians, easily takes everything and everyone out of perspective so that they are the only two people remaining. When God is not inside, He will not bless the relationship. When we are to love, we are to love not only without a reason of self-gain, but for God's glory, because Jesus deserves it. The question to me now is: Does my love reflect His glory? Even if love is a two-way communication, did I ensure on my part that God was glorified through my actions towards the people whom I love?
Lastly, I must thank Fellow Prince. Yup, the guy who posts on my tagboard on the left (I finally confirmed who he was). We had a good talk after lunch about what love was, and despite him being a much younger Christian and a person who has never actually been in a relationship, his words had so much wisdom and his questions of vital importance. His encouragement came like a breath of fresh air, and I was thoroughly revitalized. I learnt so much during our conversation, it would be impossible to list them all on this blog. Moreover, it confirmed so many things that have been going through my mind, and my struggles with God. He said this, "Victor, you have been using your own understanding to define love, and it is not going to be possible unless you ask God for understanding." Just one of the hundred lines which made an impact on me. Yup, I have not been asking God to give me wisdom and understanding to see this entire conflict from His perspective. It's one of the things that he prayed for me about before he left. Oh, and he gave me a letter that he spent the night writing. I couldn't help but shed a few tears upon reading the touching words of encouragement inside. In many ways we share similar viewpoints about love, and how we began off as hormone raging boys with low self-esteems to men who are learning to rely on God for our self-worth and trusting Him daily for everything that we have, even the Christian girl who will eventually choose to spend the rest of her life with us. Thank you my friend. I really hope that our friendship will continue to grow stronger as time goes by.
As for the rest of you reading this, there will come a time (or maybe it's already been done) when these questions are going to be so vital to how God teaches you what love truly is. I pray that it would be useful the next time you fall in love yourself. +)
Firstly, and most importantly, my entire situation now may be a mess, but the fact is I HAD ASKED FOR IT. Weird? Maybe. Until I recalled this today. I remembered asking my Crusade disciples to pick one of the fruits of the Spirit to learn throughout this semester. Shane picked joy. Minghan picked patience. Kee Onn picked self-control. Samuel picked faithfulness. I had picked love. That's right. LOVE. And this semester is not over yet. In some ways this is my most beautiful semester. It had been a "lesson in love"(ironic that the song by Level 42 is being blasted from Nick's lappy from the room right now) right from the very first week, from the first Life Meeting. I had asked God to teach me about love, that is Himself, the greatest thing as according to the Bible. I had challenged God to bring the lessons on, into my stable, unaffected life, and do as He will. I had dared God to make it tough, to be a lesson that I would never forget. And now that I've gone through this rollercoaster ride and learned so so much from this, I have nothing else but to give all praise to Him.
Secondly, I don't usually write up what I learn from sermon in church, but this one hit so hard I just had to post it. It's entitled "She Did What She Could" by Eric Chong. It's about the woman who poured expensive perfume over Jesus. Though the word "love" was not always mentioned during the sermon, it brought a strong meaning of "what is it like to truly love someone" throughout. The details are as follows.
1. We should give what we can with what we have.
Many times we tend to brood over what we don't have and thus what we cannot offer someone whom we love. I know I did. The real question is: Have I done absolutely everything I can to love Jesus, that special someone, or anyone in my life that I claim to love for that matter, with everything God has given me? Moreover, the reaction of the receiver must be secondary. The woman knew that she could be kicked or stoned for coming this close to a man, and that Jesus had every right to push her away and demand her out of the room. But that was probably the least on her mind. All she wanted to do was to show her love, regardless whether it was rejected or not. Can I love knowing that I gave my all simply because I wanted to?
2. We should do what we can despite criticism.
All of us love compliments. I know I do. That's an obvious sign of someone whose love language is that of words of affirmation. Criticism, however, hits the other way. As much as compliments have an effect, so does criticism. In life, we might get mocked for our time and effort to love someone, much more so when there is nothing in return or when people judge that the effort could have been channelled somewhere else for better uses. It could even be logical and rational (Judas even did the math!). But love is totally irrational and illogical in that sense. The question now is: Can I continue to love after all the criticism, my hardest critics being my pride and my commonsense?
3. We should do what we can for Jesus, and not for ourselves.
When we love, sometimes nothing can come between us. Not even Jesus Himself. That's when things go wrong. Romantic love, especially that between Christians, easily takes everything and everyone out of perspective so that they are the only two people remaining. When God is not inside, He will not bless the relationship. When we are to love, we are to love not only without a reason of self-gain, but for God's glory, because Jesus deserves it. The question to me now is: Does my love reflect His glory? Even if love is a two-way communication, did I ensure on my part that God was glorified through my actions towards the people whom I love?
Lastly, I must thank Fellow Prince. Yup, the guy who posts on my tagboard on the left (I finally confirmed who he was). We had a good talk after lunch about what love was, and despite him being a much younger Christian and a person who has never actually been in a relationship, his words had so much wisdom and his questions of vital importance. His encouragement came like a breath of fresh air, and I was thoroughly revitalized. I learnt so much during our conversation, it would be impossible to list them all on this blog. Moreover, it confirmed so many things that have been going through my mind, and my struggles with God. He said this, "Victor, you have been using your own understanding to define love, and it is not going to be possible unless you ask God for understanding." Just one of the hundred lines which made an impact on me. Yup, I have not been asking God to give me wisdom and understanding to see this entire conflict from His perspective. It's one of the things that he prayed for me about before he left. Oh, and he gave me a letter that he spent the night writing. I couldn't help but shed a few tears upon reading the touching words of encouragement inside. In many ways we share similar viewpoints about love, and how we began off as hormone raging boys with low self-esteems to men who are learning to rely on God for our self-worth and trusting Him daily for everything that we have, even the Christian girl who will eventually choose to spend the rest of her life with us. Thank you my friend. I really hope that our friendship will continue to grow stronger as time goes by.
As for the rest of you reading this, there will come a time (or maybe it's already been done) when these questions are going to be so vital to how God teaches you what love truly is. I pray that it would be useful the next time you fall in love yourself. +)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
One Down Four to Go
Philosophy paper done! I must really thank God. I think I more than survived the paper when I realized just the day before that I HADN'T DONE nearly 40% of my readings. But then again, they were supplementary. I was just worried that I won't be able to sleep, because, knowing me, I'm a mugger and I just have to read everything, supplementary included. LOL
The Lord pulls me through every situation, through the mud and the dirt maybe, but while I complain about my dirty clothing, I forget to see that He is covered in leeches.
Thank you Lord. One down, four to go. For His glory and His alone.
The Lord pulls me through every situation, through the mud and the dirt maybe, but while I complain about my dirty clothing, I forget to see that He is covered in leeches.
Thank you Lord. One down, four to go. For His glory and His alone.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Stand For Something!
To quote a very good "black" church friend of mine, he once told me, albeit jokingly (but now that I've thought through it, it's so true):
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
I don't want to fall for everything. I only want to fall for Jesus, and whatever good things He will bestow upon those who place their trust in Him.
For those of you who've been praying for me, even though you had no idea what I was going through, thank you. I feel so much better now. I had allowed jealousy and pride to take over me, and in many ways I made things worse for myself. I had judged, compared, and accused wrongly. So it's my fault, and I'm slowly learning to deal with it. Things might not look good in the future from any normal person's perspective, but who is to say that God's plans are not the best? But thank you all again. I didn't think that I would survive this wave of emotions, but God is really good. Again, He has saved me from the depths, allowed me to taste how Jesus feels like every time we sin, and restored me back to normality. Who knows what lies in the future for me, for us? Only God knows.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you thank you thank you. Back to mugging for exams. +)
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
I don't want to fall for everything. I only want to fall for Jesus, and whatever good things He will bestow upon those who place their trust in Him.
For those of you who've been praying for me, even though you had no idea what I was going through, thank you. I feel so much better now. I had allowed jealousy and pride to take over me, and in many ways I made things worse for myself. I had judged, compared, and accused wrongly. So it's my fault, and I'm slowly learning to deal with it. Things might not look good in the future from any normal person's perspective, but who is to say that God's plans are not the best? But thank you all again. I didn't think that I would survive this wave of emotions, but God is really good. Again, He has saved me from the depths, allowed me to taste how Jesus feels like every time we sin, and restored me back to normality. Who knows what lies in the future for me, for us? Only God knows.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you thank you thank you. Back to mugging for exams. +)
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wise Words from a Wise Bear
bear™ says:
why rely on your pride to impress someone & at the deepest end of our heart fear that one day we will lose him / her[?]
why rely on your pride to impress someone & at the deepest end of our heart fear that one day we will lose him / her[?]
Wow. Food for thought for me. I really need to give my pride to God, even if that's the only thing I have left. Every single part of it, even if it means I'll no longer be special in the eyes of the world, or have nothing to impress my beloved.
Thanks bear. I wish I could give you the same amount of encouragement that you've given me when you're down. God bless you and protect your fragile heart.
Time for me to thrash things out with God now. Hear from me soon y'all.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I Will Sing
Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart
Chorus:
I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing
Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart
Chorus:
I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing
Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Beautiful Feet
Today, someone told me how her ex-boyfriend used to criticize her toes for being ugly and deformed. Well, I had a good look and it appeared to be pretty normal. Nothing else was mentioned after that. It just ended as a funny little joke.
But before I started to blog, and was wondering what on earth could be interesting, this situation sprang back to mind. Three verses in the Bible talk about beautiful feet. They are:
Song of Solomon 7:1
How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman's hands.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"
Romans 10:15
And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
Interesting! Now those are good ways to get beautiful feet. The first one talks about the beloved of the king, the second and third talks about good news. Some people go to doctors and manicurists to get something done about their feet. However, in my opinion, the much cheaper way to get beautiful feet is to tell the good news! And the good news can only be that of the salvation promised to all who believes as stated in the Bible.
Beautiful feet is interesting! I believe that missionaries who travel far and wide to spread the gospel don't exactly have the most beautiful of feet. Their feet are probably laden with dead skin, dead bugs, rough sand and sticky mud. Their feet probably have the scars of whips, holes caused by piercing, or contain broken bones. How could such feet be beautiful in the eyes of the world? Some might not even be considered "feet" in the human sense of the word. But in the eyes of God, these feet sure are beautiful.
I want my feet to be beautiful in the eyes of God. After all, it is only His opinion that matters. And I only have to share the good news! And to top that off, only beautiful feet get to wear beautiful shoes, those of the gospel of peace, as mentioned in Ephesians 6:15. And isn't it peace that the world needs today? Good news that brings peace to the individual. Come, be a bearer of so wonderful a promise, and have your feet made beautiful by Him today.
But before I started to blog, and was wondering what on earth could be interesting, this situation sprang back to mind. Three verses in the Bible talk about beautiful feet. They are:
Song of Solomon 7:1
How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman's hands.
Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"
Romans 10:15
And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
Interesting! Now those are good ways to get beautiful feet. The first one talks about the beloved of the king, the second and third talks about good news. Some people go to doctors and manicurists to get something done about their feet. However, in my opinion, the much cheaper way to get beautiful feet is to tell the good news! And the good news can only be that of the salvation promised to all who believes as stated in the Bible.
Beautiful feet is interesting! I believe that missionaries who travel far and wide to spread the gospel don't exactly have the most beautiful of feet. Their feet are probably laden with dead skin, dead bugs, rough sand and sticky mud. Their feet probably have the scars of whips, holes caused by piercing, or contain broken bones. How could such feet be beautiful in the eyes of the world? Some might not even be considered "feet" in the human sense of the word. But in the eyes of God, these feet sure are beautiful.
I want my feet to be beautiful in the eyes of God. After all, it is only His opinion that matters. And I only have to share the good news! And to top that off, only beautiful feet get to wear beautiful shoes, those of the gospel of peace, as mentioned in Ephesians 6:15. And isn't it peace that the world needs today? Good news that brings peace to the individual. Come, be a bearer of so wonderful a promise, and have your feet made beautiful by Him today.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Old Has Gone, The New Has Come
Suddenly, so suddenly, some of the things, vices all, that I used to enjoy in the past, I don't now. It's funny. I realize first-hand now, that when you trust God to give you the best, the little evil things that you use to rely on for self-identification and gratification in the past just simply fade into the background. It's so beautiful, so marvelous. And they're not coming back. I just know it.
Last night, Ilango told me that he is kind of pessimistic that any evangelical program that the church or the youth group undertakes is not going to work. The target audience for these how-to seminars don't have the sense of urgency or a heart for the lost. Well, it's is nice to see that Ilango has really matured during this period while seeking God for direction for further studies. I just pray that the other youths will also learn to put God first in their lives, and oh, the potential of transformation! The dreams that can come true! However, this sense of urgency and heart for the lost is not something that the leaders can teach or transmit. As leaders, we must pray for these to grow and swell in their hearts, and this, only God can do. We will not give up on the people, we will continue to provide avenues for them to evangelize and give the world their testimony. We will leave the rest to our Almighty God to handle. His will be done.
I've been inspired by Michelle's lesson on fasting, and thus I've also started a time of fasting and prayer for two things: healing and guidance. Healing not for myself, but for someone close to me. Guidance for the both of us and the relationship that is to come or not. And I'm beginning to feel the effects of fasting. So much temptation and fear, so much distractions and worries. And she is not taking it well too. The illness is striking back like never before, and she is suffering I know. But we will stand strong and claim the Bible's promise that He will not put us under more temptation and stress than we can bear, and if ever this happens, He will provide a way out. The fasting is only ten days, and today is day two. But I'm beginning to waver, and the strength I need to pray, I must rely on Him to provide. I'm hoping that He will also make the illness more sufferable for her, but eventually He will take it away in His mercy and grace. As for the answer and permission for a relationship, we haven't actually heard anything, but we're beginning to see so many commonalities and "perfect fittings". To me, it is wonderful, unheard of, and really unbelievable. I actually thought that girls like these don't exist in this world. And now God just puts one right in front of me. I'm like woah. But no hurry, we want to hear God's voice in this, and we believe that He will make His answer clear and recognizable. In the meantime, we will continue to pray together and cultivate a lifestyle of total dependence and wholeheartedness in loving Him.
Heavely Father, give us strength. Pray for me during this fasting period, and for her too. When it is all over, I'm sure she will be more than willing to share about the miraculous healing that will take place. =) Amen.
Last night, Ilango told me that he is kind of pessimistic that any evangelical program that the church or the youth group undertakes is not going to work. The target audience for these how-to seminars don't have the sense of urgency or a heart for the lost. Well, it's is nice to see that Ilango has really matured during this period while seeking God for direction for further studies. I just pray that the other youths will also learn to put God first in their lives, and oh, the potential of transformation! The dreams that can come true! However, this sense of urgency and heart for the lost is not something that the leaders can teach or transmit. As leaders, we must pray for these to grow and swell in their hearts, and this, only God can do. We will not give up on the people, we will continue to provide avenues for them to evangelize and give the world their testimony. We will leave the rest to our Almighty God to handle. His will be done.
I've been inspired by Michelle's lesson on fasting, and thus I've also started a time of fasting and prayer for two things: healing and guidance. Healing not for myself, but for someone close to me. Guidance for the both of us and the relationship that is to come or not. And I'm beginning to feel the effects of fasting. So much temptation and fear, so much distractions and worries. And she is not taking it well too. The illness is striking back like never before, and she is suffering I know. But we will stand strong and claim the Bible's promise that He will not put us under more temptation and stress than we can bear, and if ever this happens, He will provide a way out. The fasting is only ten days, and today is day two. But I'm beginning to waver, and the strength I need to pray, I must rely on Him to provide. I'm hoping that He will also make the illness more sufferable for her, but eventually He will take it away in His mercy and grace. As for the answer and permission for a relationship, we haven't actually heard anything, but we're beginning to see so many commonalities and "perfect fittings". To me, it is wonderful, unheard of, and really unbelievable. I actually thought that girls like these don't exist in this world. And now God just puts one right in front of me. I'm like woah. But no hurry, we want to hear God's voice in this, and we believe that He will make His answer clear and recognizable. In the meantime, we will continue to pray together and cultivate a lifestyle of total dependence and wholeheartedness in loving Him.
Heavely Father, give us strength. Pray for me during this fasting period, and for her too. When it is all over, I'm sure she will be more than willing to share about the miraculous healing that will take place. =) Amen.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Blogskin Change
Whee finally found time to change my blogskin. About time too, was getting a bit bored of the old and mushy one, thought it would be good to find something more explosive and loud. Haha... I've been wildly happy the last few weeks. It's been a long time since I've felt exhilaration, on cloud nine... It's an old feeling, foreign, but welcomed. However prayer is still a must-have, and if God is not present, there will be no advancement.
Into a new battle, Lord. You lead, I'll follow. And the prize is waiting. I know she is. =)
Into a new battle, Lord. You lead, I'll follow. And the prize is waiting. I know she is. =)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Answering Machine
I'm listening to all the nice little love songs while doing my readings. This is one really nice and funny one! Go listen to it if you have the time. =) Oh, and she agreed tonight to go out with me. X)
Answering Machine
A little while ago I went and placed a call
To tell this girl I know that she could have it all
The wedding, the ring, the whole darn thing, I was willing to tie the knot
So I called her up, and this is the answer I got:
[CHORUS:]
"I'm so sorry you have just reached my answering machine,
I'm not in at present, I'm sure you know the whole routine.
Leave your name and number, and I'll try to get back to you;
You have 30 seconds to talk to me before you're through."
And I said,
"Baby let's go get married, I need to hear you're mine.
I am hanging on, I am hanging on, I am hanging on this line.
And if I can leave one message before you go to bed,
I would say to you...:"
And the phone went dead.
So I stepped out to buy some dog food for the cat.
Of course she called about three minutes after that.
Would she be my wife and share my life? Well of course you can write the
plot,
Cause she called me up, and this is the answer she got:
"I'm so sorry you have just reached my answering machine,
I'm not in at present, I'm sure you know the whole routine.
Leave your name and number, and I'll try to get back to you;
You have 30 seconds to talk to me before you're through."
And she said,
"Baby I got your message, I am answering your call.
I have thought it out, I have thought it out, and I think that, all-in-all
If you ask if we can marry, and make it for all time,
then my answer is...:"
and the phone went,
"I'm so sorry, you have just reached my answering machine..."
A little while ago I went and placed a call
To tell this girl I know that she could have it all
The wedding, the ring, the whole darn thing, I was willing to tie the knot
So I called her up, and this is the answer I got:
[CHORUS:]
"I'm so sorry you have just reached my answering machine,
I'm not in at present, I'm sure you know the whole routine.
Leave your name and number, and I'll try to get back to you;
You have 30 seconds to talk to me before you're through."
And I said,
"Baby let's go get married, I need to hear you're mine.
I am hanging on, I am hanging on, I am hanging on this line.
And if I can leave one message before you go to bed,
I would say to you...:"
And the phone went dead.
So I stepped out to buy some dog food for the cat.
Of course she called about three minutes after that.
Would she be my wife and share my life? Well of course you can write the
plot,
Cause she called me up, and this is the answer she got:
"I'm so sorry you have just reached my answering machine,
I'm not in at present, I'm sure you know the whole routine.
Leave your name and number, and I'll try to get back to you;
You have 30 seconds to talk to me before you're through."
And she said,
"Baby I got your message, I am answering your call.
I have thought it out, I have thought it out, and I think that, all-in-all
If you ask if we can marry, and make it for all time,
then my answer is...:"
and the phone went,
"I'm so sorry, you have just reached my answering machine..."
Saturday, August 23, 2008
That's What Hurts
Haven't blogged for a long time, but this song just somehow just echoes the little feeling inside me. Not that I've met her yet, but well, soon I hope.
That's What Hurts
Never let nobody know me
Never let nobody dare
Never let somebody hold me
Long enough for me to care...
Till I found you
Till I found you.
Never let my guard down easy
Never let myself let go
I never knew the reason why
I never let my feelings show
Till I felt the pain
Of loving you
And that's what hurts
When we say goodbye
And that's what hurts
On those sleepless nights
There's nothing I can do
'Cos I'm lost inside of you
And that's what hurts.
I never let nobody touch me
Never let nobody try
I never let somebody move me
Deep enough to make me cry
Till I found you
Till I found you
I was strong and independent
I never needed anyone
I thought I had it all together
Until you came and proved me wrong
Now I'm stronger with you
In my life
And that's what hurts
When we say goodbye
And that's what hurts
On those sleepless nights
There's nothing I can do
Cos I'm lost inside of you
And that's what hurts
Yeah and that's the catch
But the hearts not good at holding back
It's a blessing and a curse
And I don't know what's worse
And that's what hurts.
Sometimes I wanna run
Sometimes I feel just like a fool
Sometimes I'm even sorry baby
That I felt in love with you.
Oooh that's when it hurts
It hurts so bad
Ooh can't sleep at night
Nothing I can do
Cause I'm lost inside of you
Oohhh
It hurts oh it hurts
Cause I'm lost inside of you
I can't help myself
I can't help myself
Hurts without you baby
You're not here, you're not here
Never let nobody dare
Never let somebody hold me
Long enough for me to care...
Till I found you
Till I found you.
Never let my guard down easy
Never let myself let go
I never knew the reason why
I never let my feelings show
Till I felt the pain
Of loving you
And that's what hurts
When we say goodbye
And that's what hurts
On those sleepless nights
There's nothing I can do
'Cos I'm lost inside of you
And that's what hurts.
I never let nobody touch me
Never let nobody try
I never let somebody move me
Deep enough to make me cry
Till I found you
Till I found you
I was strong and independent
I never needed anyone
I thought I had it all together
Until you came and proved me wrong
Now I'm stronger with you
In my life
And that's what hurts
When we say goodbye
And that's what hurts
On those sleepless nights
There's nothing I can do
Cos I'm lost inside of you
And that's what hurts
Yeah and that's the catch
But the hearts not good at holding back
It's a blessing and a curse
And I don't know what's worse
And that's what hurts.
Sometimes I wanna run
Sometimes I feel just like a fool
Sometimes I'm even sorry baby
That I felt in love with you.
Oooh that's when it hurts
It hurts so bad
Ooh can't sleep at night
Nothing I can do
Cause I'm lost inside of you
Oohhh
It hurts oh it hurts
Cause I'm lost inside of you
I can't help myself
I can't help myself
Hurts without you baby
You're not here, you're not here
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Gen12ii Tokyo '08
Wee I'm back from Japan! And I've got a ton of stories to tell! =) However I think I'd rather be doing verbal presentations than putting it all on my blog. Alright, tata! Hope to come back here again soon. =)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Created For A Purpose
We were created for war. For victory. For glory. For THE KING. War on earth burns with hatred, are lead by imperfect leaders, fought by inadequate men, and recorded as disasters in the chronicles of history. The victors execute the losers, rewrite Social Studies textbooks, and prepare for yet another generation of war. But the true war is won by the hearts of love, lead by a perfect KING, fought my soldiers that are invincible because they bear His emblem, and recorded as the greatest victory of all time. The victors give the losers what they have always desired, write their names in the Book of Life, and prepare for a joy that will last forever.
Will you give your life for THE KING?
Will you give your life for THE KING?
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Exams Over!
Yay. My exams are over. I'm damn slack now. Super super slack. I had planned to do so many things after the exams, and now that it's all over, I just dun feel like doing them. Dang.
I want to write a story. I'm inspired by Bleach, of all shows. Sadly I'm an author of romantic fiction, not adventure, supernatural stories. However, I'm going to combine plots. Wahaha... Went to the library today and was reading up on some advice by established writers on how to write stories. Apparently there is alot of work needed, but I dun recall ever taking down so many notes about character, scenery and other stuff that are so valuable to them. After all, writing romance fiction is just a hobby, not my career!
But I've gotta start soon. Darn, still got this Sunday's lesson to do up. I think I'll do a "Mother's Day Special" lesson. I do that every year anyway. There's no other earthly love so sacrificial and celebrated as that of maternal love. After all, it is true to a certain extent that only the mother can be sure that the child truly belongs to her because she gave birth to it. We men, husbands, can never, ever know.
I want to write a story. I'm inspired by Bleach, of all shows. Sadly I'm an author of romantic fiction, not adventure, supernatural stories. However, I'm going to combine plots. Wahaha... Went to the library today and was reading up on some advice by established writers on how to write stories. Apparently there is alot of work needed, but I dun recall ever taking down so many notes about character, scenery and other stuff that are so valuable to them. After all, writing romance fiction is just a hobby, not my career!
But I've gotta start soon. Darn, still got this Sunday's lesson to do up. I think I'll do a "Mother's Day Special" lesson. I do that every year anyway. There's no other earthly love so sacrificial and celebrated as that of maternal love. After all, it is true to a certain extent that only the mother can be sure that the child truly belongs to her because she gave birth to it. We men, husbands, can never, ever know.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
23 Years Old
It's been a wonderful 23th birthday for me! =) Yesterday I was taken to Sushi-Tei for a treat by my dad, and in the evening at another beautiful Japanese restaurant at Icon Village with the whole family. I've also gotten really nice presents from my family members. Dad gave me a really cool LG KS-20 phone which I've been eyeing for quite a while, and Nick gave me real some real nice Bleach toys and a pair of slippers to replace my ultra-slippery ones. Here are some pictures taken with my new handphone. Heez!
I can't tell what Nick is doing...
Dad having a share of my birthday cake...
Mum, Andrew and Nick grabbing the food Mum bought from Pizza Hut for supper...
A rare opportunity to see Mum tucking into something as sinful as Pizza Hut...
My Urahara soft toy from Nick! (Richard must be jealous)
The other Urahara & Ururu keychain he bought for me too! =)
I'm happy today! Thank God for such a loving family. Thanks Mum and Dad! =)
I can't tell what Nick is doing...
Dad having a share of my birthday cake...
Mum, Andrew and Nick grabbing the food Mum bought from Pizza Hut for supper...
A rare opportunity to see Mum tucking into something as sinful as Pizza Hut...
My Urahara soft toy from Nick! (Richard must be jealous)
The other Urahara & Ururu keychain he bought for me too! =)I'm happy today! Thank God for such a loving family. Thanks Mum and Dad! =)
Monday, April 21, 2008
Mugging for Exams
Ngee Ann Polytechnic is quite a nice place! Went to the library there this afternoon to study with Jowyne and Candice. But I think I'm probably the only one who really got anything done. Jowyne was busy talking to her two friends most of the time (at least when I was there, haha!) and Candice slept and 4am the night before so she was busy trying hard to keep away most of the time. Had a late lunch at a nice canteen, but boy, is the food there expensive. Candice and I both agreed NUS food is a lot cheaper. Haha...
I'm kind of done with Sociology of Tourism, and I'm working on Sociology of Power at the moment. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful insights that Sociology has given me, and everything I learn shows me all the more why God wanted to save us in the first place. It's quite a sad picture really, of life in this world. However, I want to do something to change it, to help people. Ever negative, Sociology always argues that there is no way out, and any action is contributing even more a vicious cycle in the bigger picture, or an attempt to slow down the destruction process. However, one must try. I always see myself as someone who thinks and agrees with Marx, holds a Durkheim-like hope for society, and endeavors to solve the problems from the perspective of a Weberian, independent bureaucracy. Troublesome really, because all of them conflict right from their very fundamentals.
I still have quite a bit from Sociology to complete, as well as Modern Japanese Religions, Japanese Language 4 and Sociology of Deviance to settle. Must remember to really thank God for the essays that have just been returned! I got a stunning A+ for my Sociology of Tourism essay and a pretty good A- for Sociology of Deviance essay. Amazing really. God has been good to me. I still have the Sociology of Power essay and Modern Japanese essay yet to be returned to me at the moment, but I trust God that everything will turn out as He will, not as I have planned.
Okay, I've been slacking too much. Tend to go into Facebook mood once I sit in front of the computer with an internet connection. Sigh. Back to books!
I'm kind of done with Sociology of Tourism, and I'm working on Sociology of Power at the moment. I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful insights that Sociology has given me, and everything I learn shows me all the more why God wanted to save us in the first place. It's quite a sad picture really, of life in this world. However, I want to do something to change it, to help people. Ever negative, Sociology always argues that there is no way out, and any action is contributing even more a vicious cycle in the bigger picture, or an attempt to slow down the destruction process. However, one must try. I always see myself as someone who thinks and agrees with Marx, holds a Durkheim-like hope for society, and endeavors to solve the problems from the perspective of a Weberian, independent bureaucracy. Troublesome really, because all of them conflict right from their very fundamentals.
I still have quite a bit from Sociology to complete, as well as Modern Japanese Religions, Japanese Language 4 and Sociology of Deviance to settle. Must remember to really thank God for the essays that have just been returned! I got a stunning A+ for my Sociology of Tourism essay and a pretty good A- for Sociology of Deviance essay. Amazing really. God has been good to me. I still have the Sociology of Power essay and Modern Japanese essay yet to be returned to me at the moment, but I trust God that everything will turn out as He will, not as I have planned.
Okay, I've been slacking too much. Tend to go into Facebook mood once I sit in front of the computer with an internet connection. Sigh. Back to books!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Gen12ii
Preparation for Gen12ii has begun, and I've just gotten my portfolio last night! I'm in charge of Special Programs with Pearlyn! Haha... I'm happy and disappointed in a way. Happy because that's where my talent and passion lies, but disappointed because I didn't get my first choice and really stretch myself for this mission trip. But it's good also. I think the Crusade staff and seniors know about some of the problems with my "outside life" and are afraid that I'll be affected by it. Well, I can protest for all I want, but I guess God knows better also. I'm not that suitable to lead a Christian team and I know it. A secular team with secular missions, hey, I think I'll suit just fine. Which I think is kinda sad in some sense. But I'll be 100% behind Xinyi all the way! I think she'll be an excellent leader. She's probably the only one who can control Jody and Suma too. =P
One more last essay to go, a 3500 word essay on Modern Japanese Religions, where I will be analyzing the social origins of New Religions. For some reason, nothing is flowing into my head now. It somehow is the hardest essay to write so far, now that my Tourism essay is complete and my Power and Deviance essays have long been settled. I'm also kinda relieved that Japanese 4 is over, I don't think I can carry on to Japanese 5. It's way too taxing on my time and energy level, and this particular module, unlike the earlier language modules, has totally drained my passion. Japanese suddenly becomes like Chinese with all the forced memorizations and emphasis on particular forms of speaking. Walker sensei has also announced her displeasure with all our mid-term grades during lecture before, and boy, it was demoralizing. What she does not know is the number of people in this batch who has Japanese language experience before but did not declare it. And now she expects so much from these "talented batch" she forgets people like myself who literally learn from scratch. Which is kind of sad really.
This is a kinda depressing post I realize. And if you look carefully, I'm trying my best to pepper it with as much joy and enthusiasm as I can, with little success. Sigh. Lots of things have been on my mind since the giving out of the portfolios last night. A tinge of enthusiasm towards the mission trip has sort of vaporized. Maybe my enthusiasm was based on the wrong things? Ironically, I wrote down in my Gen12ii handbook that what I wanted to learn from this trip was humility and the heart of a servant, and just a few minutes before the portfolios were given out. Haha... God really humbles me in ways unimaginable. That's why I hate asking Him to humble me. My ego is way too big, and it's running on air, not on any stable substance. Bursting it kinda creates a certain depression that I gotta kick myself out of. And I honestly don't know how long I can last.
I still have to lead worship and do up the youth's lesson for Sunday. Monday I've gotta hand up the religion paper and take the Japanese oral test. Sigh. I need more strength from You Lord. Help me depend on You and not myself.
One more last essay to go, a 3500 word essay on Modern Japanese Religions, where I will be analyzing the social origins of New Religions. For some reason, nothing is flowing into my head now. It somehow is the hardest essay to write so far, now that my Tourism essay is complete and my Power and Deviance essays have long been settled. I'm also kinda relieved that Japanese 4 is over, I don't think I can carry on to Japanese 5. It's way too taxing on my time and energy level, and this particular module, unlike the earlier language modules, has totally drained my passion. Japanese suddenly becomes like Chinese with all the forced memorizations and emphasis on particular forms of speaking. Walker sensei has also announced her displeasure with all our mid-term grades during lecture before, and boy, it was demoralizing. What she does not know is the number of people in this batch who has Japanese language experience before but did not declare it. And now she expects so much from these "talented batch" she forgets people like myself who literally learn from scratch. Which is kind of sad really.
This is a kinda depressing post I realize. And if you look carefully, I'm trying my best to pepper it with as much joy and enthusiasm as I can, with little success. Sigh. Lots of things have been on my mind since the giving out of the portfolios last night. A tinge of enthusiasm towards the mission trip has sort of vaporized. Maybe my enthusiasm was based on the wrong things? Ironically, I wrote down in my Gen12ii handbook that what I wanted to learn from this trip was humility and the heart of a servant, and just a few minutes before the portfolios were given out. Haha... God really humbles me in ways unimaginable. That's why I hate asking Him to humble me. My ego is way too big, and it's running on air, not on any stable substance. Bursting it kinda creates a certain depression that I gotta kick myself out of. And I honestly don't know how long I can last.
I still have to lead worship and do up the youth's lesson for Sunday. Monday I've gotta hand up the religion paper and take the Japanese oral test. Sigh. I need more strength from You Lord. Help me depend on You and not myself.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Irony Amplified
Here I am with a ton of work I know I should be doing, but not doing. And I'll just keep saying that it's because I haven't started my research yet. But again, procrastination is the main problem. I'm like totally avoiding the library this semester. Maybe it's because my classes are all back to back this time. But probably it's just pure laziness to tap my card against the electronic gateway into the library. Bah.
It's ironic that I'm blogging. Not many people read this blog anyway. Not that there's nothing "juicy" about my life. I just feel there is nothing to learn from those episodes, and all to feel ashamed about. It's sad because I'm like Jonah, but I'm constantly running away despite lesson after lesson. I find my fill from this Earth, and I'm constantly thirsting for more. But again I'm too proud to ask God to fill this aching gap that has formed up within me. I've got too much to lose, too many things I don't want to forget. I want to live this life with the false assumption that I'm tough, hardy, street-smart and vicious, thanks to all the lessons I've learnt the hard way in life. But God knows that I can't fight for nuts. I'm probably a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I'll only fight if my pride is hurt, or my love ones for that matter. In that sense I'm kind of useless really. I don't want to fight a midget who can whip off my specs and kick me in the balls to truly understand this.
Sometimes I'm reminded that to be strong, one must first be weak and then God's power will fill the emptiness. But I like to rely on my own strength, head-strong as it is. I like to think that the talents that I possess are good enough to beat any man, be it academically, physically or socially where it matters most. However, I forget that these talents are bestowed by God in the first place. And where God gives more, He expects more. But I think I see many, many people around me who are given less, but have probably contributed back to the Kingdom more than I can ever imagine myself to be able to give.
In that sense I'm broken. Broken, yet unwilling to cry for help. Is my ego really so big? I think the next woman who comes along and smashes it to bits is probably the woman I'll marry. Provided I don't hate her to death for doing so. And provided she actually exist. LOL
It's ironic that I'm blogging. Not many people read this blog anyway. Not that there's nothing "juicy" about my life. I just feel there is nothing to learn from those episodes, and all to feel ashamed about. It's sad because I'm like Jonah, but I'm constantly running away despite lesson after lesson. I find my fill from this Earth, and I'm constantly thirsting for more. But again I'm too proud to ask God to fill this aching gap that has formed up within me. I've got too much to lose, too many things I don't want to forget. I want to live this life with the false assumption that I'm tough, hardy, street-smart and vicious, thanks to all the lessons I've learnt the hard way in life. But God knows that I can't fight for nuts. I'm probably a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I'll only fight if my pride is hurt, or my love ones for that matter. In that sense I'm kind of useless really. I don't want to fight a midget who can whip off my specs and kick me in the balls to truly understand this.
Sometimes I'm reminded that to be strong, one must first be weak and then God's power will fill the emptiness. But I like to rely on my own strength, head-strong as it is. I like to think that the talents that I possess are good enough to beat any man, be it academically, physically or socially where it matters most. However, I forget that these talents are bestowed by God in the first place. And where God gives more, He expects more. But I think I see many, many people around me who are given less, but have probably contributed back to the Kingdom more than I can ever imagine myself to be able to give.
In that sense I'm broken. Broken, yet unwilling to cry for help. Is my ego really so big? I think the next woman who comes along and smashes it to bits is probably the woman I'll marry. Provided I don't hate her to death for doing so. And provided she actually exist. LOL
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Devastation
Utter devastation. I'm in total collapse. Why did you have to do that? Why were you so silly? Now your life will have be undergoing a totally different spin. Your plans, your future, your hopes, your dreams, now lie shattered in front of you. All it took was just one small, silly, seemingly harmless choice, a few minutes of ecstasy, a relieving of desire and a confirmation of love.
You were smart, sassy, beautiful, vocal, everything that a man could want. I know this because I know you better than anyone else. I would rather you make a mistake with anything else at all, but this. The moment you mentioned this to me, a sudden deep rift split open my inner core. An immense gravitational pull, akin to that of a black hole, just ripped apart my senses. We were so closed, and despite distancing ourselves for a short period of time, I still felt like I was part of you. And this just feels like, something is happening in me as much as it is already happening in you.
I'm disappointed. Sorely, utterly, downright disappointed. You might not think it's much of a deal, but... it will be in the future. I'll be praying for you. Honestly, I dunno what to pray for and how to go about it, but I'm sure He does.
You were smart, sassy, beautiful, vocal, everything that a man could want. I know this because I know you better than anyone else. I would rather you make a mistake with anything else at all, but this. The moment you mentioned this to me, a sudden deep rift split open my inner core. An immense gravitational pull, akin to that of a black hole, just ripped apart my senses. We were so closed, and despite distancing ourselves for a short period of time, I still felt like I was part of you. And this just feels like, something is happening in me as much as it is already happening in you.
I'm disappointed. Sorely, utterly, downright disappointed. You might not think it's much of a deal, but... it will be in the future. I'll be praying for you. Honestly, I dunno what to pray for and how to go about it, but I'm sure He does.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Meaningless Words
Sometimes when I do my QT, I ponder about the "important" things that I should have done for the day. And sometimes I realized I've done nothing to add to my treasure chest in Heaven.
One can tell God "I love You" everyday, but does nothing to show it, is nothing more than a hypocrite. He's probably worse of than someone who doesn't even believe God exists. Why? Because you know, but you don't do. The Bible says that is equivalent to sinning. And if THAT'S truly the case, I'm a dead man. I mean, that probably goes to show that I sin all the time.
Adding on to the severity of the problem, as a teacher of the Word, or the head of the Teaching Ministry in the church youth group, the burden and punishment is heavier. The Bible also says that those who teach have the responsibility to ensure that what continues on is pure and right, and most importantly, of the Bible. Now a teacher who speaks but does not do, what good is it? Doesn't that double the hypocritical accusation thrown at him/her?
From many perspectives, it seems like the sins are doubled on my side. And yes, I would agree with anyone who says it is so. Does it mean there is no hope? Who would want to teach unless he/she goes into full time ministry?
I think, it only goes to show that God's grace is doubled for those "on top" as it is doubled for those "below". But the lukewarm is spat out. Ouch. No one should be in the middle.
One can tell God "I love You" everyday, but does nothing to show it, is nothing more than a hypocrite. He's probably worse of than someone who doesn't even believe God exists. Why? Because you know, but you don't do. The Bible says that is equivalent to sinning. And if THAT'S truly the case, I'm a dead man. I mean, that probably goes to show that I sin all the time.
Adding on to the severity of the problem, as a teacher of the Word, or the head of the Teaching Ministry in the church youth group, the burden and punishment is heavier. The Bible also says that those who teach have the responsibility to ensure that what continues on is pure and right, and most importantly, of the Bible. Now a teacher who speaks but does not do, what good is it? Doesn't that double the hypocritical accusation thrown at him/her?
From many perspectives, it seems like the sins are doubled on my side. And yes, I would agree with anyone who says it is so. Does it mean there is no hope? Who would want to teach unless he/she goes into full time ministry?
I think, it only goes to show that God's grace is doubled for those "on top" as it is doubled for those "below". But the lukewarm is spat out. Ouch. No one should be in the middle.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year!
Here's wishing everyone a blessed Chinese New Year! Hope you get loads of angbaos! Spend the money wisely yar? And dun forget to tithe some back to God during offering this Sunday! =) God bless again!
Monday, February 04, 2008
A New Hope, A New Life
It's time to revive this blog again. A new phrase of life, a new increment of trust in God despite me not being clear where I'm going. It's a time to start things all over again, the idea of single-hood, loneliness, guided by faith and comforted by my Supernatural Creator.
RJ, thanks for being one of those people who'll still come to this old, dusty blog though I do not update it often. It is just sad that most of my thoughts are too misleading to be written down here; it is a blog dedicated to Jesus after all. It's almost like I've a split personality, not wanting to be found out. The monster in me still surfaces often, too often for me to even have the strength to record the temptations that I face. No one likes to hear a Christian soldier fail in the battles he faces. And I fail so often that I'm too shameful to face my Maker and my Lord who died so that I have a chance to even win a single battle.
But I must record my battles. For those who'll drop by this blog to read, to the other weary and war-torn soldiers who are on the point of giving up, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I intend to fight to the very last drop of blood, even if my demons are countless and seem immortal. Will you fight with me? Our demons may be different, but the fountain from which we draw strength is the same. Fight with me I say, and experience the countenance and power of a God who promises never to leave us or forsake us.
I have to pray for Shijie, Gina, Yaosheng, Cindy, Huiyun, and Xiao Wei. Their situations are different, but their solutions are the same. They need God. They need love. They want to feel beautiful, desired, and clean. Prepare for miracles to happen.
RJ, thanks for being one of those people who'll still come to this old, dusty blog though I do not update it often. It is just sad that most of my thoughts are too misleading to be written down here; it is a blog dedicated to Jesus after all. It's almost like I've a split personality, not wanting to be found out. The monster in me still surfaces often, too often for me to even have the strength to record the temptations that I face. No one likes to hear a Christian soldier fail in the battles he faces. And I fail so often that I'm too shameful to face my Maker and my Lord who died so that I have a chance to even win a single battle.
But I must record my battles. For those who'll drop by this blog to read, to the other weary and war-torn soldiers who are on the point of giving up, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I intend to fight to the very last drop of blood, even if my demons are countless and seem immortal. Will you fight with me? Our demons may be different, but the fountain from which we draw strength is the same. Fight with me I say, and experience the countenance and power of a God who promises never to leave us or forsake us.
I have to pray for Shijie, Gina, Yaosheng, Cindy, Huiyun, and Xiao Wei. Their situations are different, but their solutions are the same. They need God. They need love. They want to feel beautiful, desired, and clean. Prepare for miracles to happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)